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M666

Is Istikhara mandatory before marriage

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Salam brothers and sisters, 

I have been with this Shia guy for the last 10 years, we used to talk on the phone and 2 years ago he brought my marriage proposal. His parents were hesitant at first but after a while they agreed through a lot of persuasion. They put a condition that once he has a job they will marry us. After 2 years the time of marriage finally came and only month before the marriage when everything was decided between his and my parents (date, mehr amount etc) he said that Istikhara is mandatory and without Istikhara he won’t be able to marry me. I have no problem with istakhara but after such a long time of being with me all these promises to me and my parents he says he will do Istikhara. I tried to contact his parents but they dont talk to me or even answer my calls as we live in different countries. He says that only a maulvi will do istakhara and you can’t do it. If instikhara says yes, he will marry me and if it says no he won’t marry me. I need your help. I feel like it is just an excuse because I never heard of the concept that Istikhara is mandatory. It is highly recommended but he is saying he will cancel the marriage only based on an Istikhara which he wants to do one month before marriage when everything has been decided and when he has promised me and my parents on this marriage. Please help me out because I can’t stop crying and I am really distressed.thank you 

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11 hours ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

Heard too many people say they will never try to get married to anyone who lives in Pakistan/India, and while this may be extreme, there is some logic to it given that culture there generally has enormous room for improvement. It's sort of hijacked Islam in places. I wouldn't know though, i only go by testimony of hundreds of independent corroborating witnesses. 

I once read somewhere that people here are too adaptive,sadly they adapt each and everything blindly... They called it beauty of blending I think of it as doping(in real values)

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3 hours ago, Fakeha said:

I once read somewhere that people here are too adaptive,sadly they adapt each and everything blindly... They called it beauty of blending I think of it as doping(in real values)

I hesitated to talk about this issue in the past because I am not Indian / Pakistani. So hearing things from an 'outsider' might night sit right with some brothers and sisters here who are good and I didn't want to offend them. Also I have friends in the community who are from Pakistan and India and most of them are good, mumin/a people with good values who take care of their families and even extended families. 

But when it comes to marriage, I think, most of the time, the mother of the potential groom has too much power. I have seen this happen several times in our community here in Dearborn. The potential bride / groom / and brides father are fine with the marriage, then someone else comes in a steps in between the potential husband and wife to sabotage the relationship for their own personal, non Islamic reasons. If it is another family member, it sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. If it is the groom's mother, it almost always works since it seems many men in Pakistan have no ability to view their mother's actions objectively. They look at every action of their mother as if she is masooma, and intellectionally and rationally they know she is not that. We should respect our parents, but at the same time, they are human beings with good and bad qualities and they sometimes do things that are not in our best interest. That's why Allah(s.w.a) gave us our own mind and our own heart, so we could be the final decider of our actions and not someone else because we (and not other people) will be held accountable for our actions. 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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Thank you very much you all for your guidance. This guy showed a lot of red flags but I was too young and naive to see them. I believed in him. The fact is that he does everything his family tells him to do which isn't a bad thing but when the things they tell him start clashing with our religion then it becomes wrong. The way they are using istikhara to fulfil their personal needs is absolutely disgusting. And he isn't man enough to stand up for me. If he can't do this before marriage then God knows what he would do after. He could even divorce me and use Islam as a way to justify it. He first wasted years and years of my life trying to make his parents happy with his choice. And the main problem in this whole situation is his mother. She was never happy with this whole thing. He pushed and pushed. In the end when they couldn't think of anything that would justify leaving me so they used istikhara and apparently it was very bad. He misquoted my dad and said your dad is to blame for everything when my dad has been more than patient in this whole situation. He keeps on saying in Pakistan we do istikhara but that is not true. He says you are Pakistani and you will have to follow it. That's what the maulanas recommend here. He can't stand up for me and the right thing because he is too scared to go against the cultural norms in his home.

 

I have to agree that it is in the Pakistani culture to be superstitious. It all goes back to the times when Pakistan was a part of India. In Hinduism they believe in these superstitions and I think maybe that's why even though we are not a part of India anymore, those cultural practices which are unIslamic have carried on. The way he says istikhara says no is quite amusing. I am hurt but as you all said I need to improve myself and pick myself up from all this mess. Rise above it and come out better and stronger. Maybe Allah is saving me. Also a few times he suggested that once I get married to him he will take me to Pakistan and then I will "serve" his mother and father and do stuff for them. I don't think that is a bad thing but this idea that they bring a girl to their house to "serve" their family is wrong. A purpose of woman is a lot bigger than that but sadly our culture undermines it. there is also a generation gap between his and my parents. My parents don't think like that but his parents are very old fashioned. 

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14 hours ago, Sisterfatima1 said:

Sister I am always here if you want to chat 

Thank you sister, your support and guidance means a lot to me. 

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42 minutes ago, Haimid said:

Assalam,

@Abu Hadi did you have any Ziyarat of imam reza a.s before?

No, unfortunately. I did Hajj and Umrah last year but didn't have the time to do Ziyarat, due to my work schedule.

I regretted that I didn't go. 

I shouldn't say I didn't do Ziyarat. I visited Jannatul Baqi, but the whole time I was there I was being harassed. Brothers and sisters who went know what I am talking about. I hope to finish my Ziyarat soon, InShahAllah. 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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31 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

No, unfortunately. I did Hajj and Umrah last year but didn't have the time to do Ziyarat, due to my work schedule.

I regretted that I didn't go. 

I shouldn't say I didn't do Ziyarat. I visited Jannatul Baqi, but the whole time I was there I was being harassed. Brothers and sisters who went know what I am talking about. I hope to finish my Ziyarat soon, InShahAllah. 

wanna do it together?:-)

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@Abu Hadi The reason for this behavior among Pakistanis/Indians is because obedience to parents gives you success in life. I have seen many people who are just terrible humans, they are cruel to so many people, they commit so many sins but they please their parents and that's why they get all kinds of success in world. Most people think of success as a sign of pious ness. That's why such people become popular and they are considered pious. I have a friend who married against her parents' will. She did get permission from them but they were unhappy (syed non syed issue). Now she is living very hard life, she works so hard and for past 10 years, she has been trying to please her father but he is not willing to forgive her. She is probably one of the most pious, hardworking, generous, and patient person I know but her life is hard because her parents are stubborn, traditional, and ignorant. Also she is dark skinned compared to her siblings and her parents are proud racists. It sometimes makes me question Allah's justice. This is the reason pakistani people blindly follow their parents without thinking about other people. People who disobey Their parents get punished immediately. But people who torture their wives, sibling or other people for decades never get punished. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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Guys today he sent me this message: 

"It is absolutely hurtful how you are using religion and Allah  inhis painful and hurtful situation to casue even more pain.

Bringing half cooked arguments, not listening to the other side, but instead acting and haressing my family. 

 I saw how willing they were for our marrisge, before your dad put demands.

I know you will not trust what I am saying, but that.is,the truth..istekhara is mandatory  in our.family and.what.made it even more.mandatory for everyone, was the way you acted.

When you 100 percent believe.you are.with.haq and Allah, then why are you hurting my and my family. Why are.you disrespecting them..

I could've done the same, but I didnt...know why 

Cause I believe.in Allahs justice more.than you" 

 

he is blaming me for the whole thing now. Always blame the female. He is confused and said all the arguments that you have presented me here are half cooked? He is using religion and Allah to justify istikhara? When it is apparent it is not mandatory. By weird demands he means that the disagreement on mehr but that got resolved and now he is blaming my dad for that. And by disrespecting he means me trying to call them and they not answering my calls in this extreme pain I am in. End of the day they made me his fiancé and promised my parents this marriage two years ago.

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@rkazmi33 I would not be so hung up about God justice as it is a fallacious contradiction and a non existing phenomenon. In fact I read a narration yesterday, that claimed that quick chastisement is quick on X type of humans, one being oppressors. Seen any evidence of that any where?. The thiestic claim is, that the soul is being corrupted , but a persons whose life has been destroyed due to the behaviors of others or the failed algorithim of the laws of the universe, then it begs the fundamental question is there really a Good God or is there actually a God?.

Your friend is suffering not due to being noagreeable to her parents, it is because she suffers from a false ideology and it drains her thinking power. If she stops in trying to seek forgivness of her ignorants father and live life, you will see her life change. Parents did not create children, they did so on a whim of pleasure.

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2 minutes ago, M666 said:

He also said to me that You have less trust in Allah  that you started fighting on istikhara and results of istikhara

stop talking to him and attempting to fix a broken vase. Ofcourse religion will be used to impress guilt.

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5 minutes ago, monad said:

stop talking to him and attempting to fix a broken vase. Ofcourse religion will be used to impress guilt.

I want to but it is very hard to cut him off completely. I want my dad to call his dad once and say that what they did was wrong but my dad is saying leave them. He doesn't want to confront them but i want to speak to his parents and let them know how hurt I am 

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Just now, M666 said:

I want to but it is very hard to cut him off completely. I want my dad to call his dad once and say that what they did was wrong but my dad is saying leave them. He doesn't want to confront them but i want to speak to his parents and let them know how hurt I am 

okay, you tell the parents that, then what?.

If they had no intention, then why should that arouse sympathy in them?. They will see it as a blessing. Perhaps you want to let them know that you are in the right. Even if you were, the stories humans tell others, will never be the truth to save face.

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5 minutes ago, monad said:

okay, you tell the parents that, then what?.

If they had no intention, then why should that arouse sympathy in them?. They will see it as a blessing. Perhaps you want to let them know that you are in the right. Even if you were, the stories humans tell others, will never be the truth to save face.

Yes I want to let them know that I am in the right but they don't even answer my calls, as in his mother or father. The only person who spoke to me one time was his brother who told me that they don't want this marriage even to this day. But I am thinking what will I achieve by telling them that I am right and they are wrong. I have told their son that and as you can see from my previous post what he said. He has no intention to follow the truth. He is telling me that all the facts that you all have presented me here are "half cooked" and that in his family istikhara is mandatory. I don't know what has got into him that he is saying all this. esp after wasting my time and promising me marriage. 

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7 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

I hesitated to talk about this issue in the past because I am not Indian / Pakistani. So hearing things from an 'outsider' might night sit right with some brothers and sisters here who are good and I didn't want to offend them. Also I have friends in the community who are from Pakistan and India and most of them are good, mumin/a people with good values who take care of their families and even extended families. 

But when it comes to marriage, I think, most of the time, the mother of the potential groom has too much power. I have seen this happen several times in our community here in Dearborn. The potential bride / groom / and brides father are fine with the marriage, then someone else comes in a steps in between the potential husband and wife to sabotage the relationship for their own personal, non Islamic reasons. If it is another family member, it sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. If it is the groom's mother, it almost always works since it seems many men in Pakistan have no ability to view their mother's actions objectively. They look at every action of their mother as if she is masooma, and intellectionally and rationally they know she is not that. We should respect our parents, but at the same time, they are human beings with good and bad qualities and they sometimes do things that are not in our best interest. That's why Allah(s.w.a) gave us our own mind and our own heart, so we could be the final decider of our actions and not someone else because we (and not other people) will be held accountable for our actions. 

I'm mixed race, and one of my parents is indeed Indian/Pakistani so i think i can comment here.  This is only my theory from what i've observed and what i've seen in many other families. 

The son often brings the wife to his parents home. The mother is in charge of this home, she is like the 'chief woman' per say. She has her rules and her way of doing things, and is often extremely over protective over her son. She has often pampered him and smothered him with care, and often parents are very protective over their kids. It's a little bit like Chinese parents, where the pressure to study and excel is enormous - but it is matched with care. Often more than not, the mother continues to cook for, pamper, and even look after they sons well into their 20s and so a new woman coming into their sons life subconsciously is going to be met with some resistance from the mother.

1. She will have lived her life totally pampering her son in every way, and as soon as she does not see the wife doing likewise, she will feel he is not being cared for.

2. She has been the one really in charge of her sons life, even washing his clothes in most cases. She will feel a sense of authority over him and his decisions, and now the prospect of another woman deciding things with him independently (even if her views are considered in a respectful way) does not go down well

3. She is in charge of the house, and has her way of doing things, and when she was young her mother in law put the same standards over her, and now its her turn to do likewise to the next generation.

I believe that we must love our parents, respect them, care for them, and always make them know we listen to their concerns. However if the time ever comes when a parent feels they can abuse someones wife, humiliate her, treat her son or daughter like a child, act in whatever way they wish and exert control and dominance over their children , and when questioned  over it guilt-trip them by reminding them all the sacrifices they have done, it is going to psychologically damage everyone involved.

EDIT: From brothers i know who are married, their mother often guilt-trips them out of sincerity , feeling she wants the best for them, as mothers do. This is incredibly common. 

 

Tip to people from this culture: Wash your own clothes, cook as often as you can, get your independence, driving, career , and job as soon as possible. Slowly begin that step where you wean your mother of doing everything for you. If you don't, you may be in for a difficult moments. If you can help it, don't live with your parents , get your own place whilst still maintaining contact/care for them. If you do live in your own place, don't live with your wife in your family home for longer than a week or so if you're staying over to visit, and even then depending on factors be willing to mediate any drama.

Edited by Intellectual Resistance

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1 hour ago, M666 said:

Guys today he sent me this message: 

"It is absolutely hurtful how you are using religion and Allah  inhis painful and hurtful situation to casue even more pain.

Bringing half cooked arguments, not listening to the other side, but instead acting and haressing my family. 

 I saw how willing they were for our marrisge, before your dad put demands.

I know you will not trust what I am saying, but that.is,the truth..istekhara is mandatory  in our.family and.what.made it even more.mandatory for everyone, was the way you acted.

When you 100 percent believe.you are.with.haq and Allah, then why are you hurting my and my family. Why are.you disrespecting them..

I could've done the same, but I didnt...know why 

Cause I believe.in Allahs justice more.than you" 

 

My reply would be:

I'm a 28 year old woman. I've been here for ten years, where i have tried to push you for marriage and commitment, for many, many years.  Do you not think as a woman , at this age and where i am heading towards approaching 30s, i do not feel a sense of pain and uncertainty at being given false promises of commitment and marriage over the years? 

You claim the i am bringing half-cooked arguments, and using the religion of Allah. Let me testify one thing, and Allah is my witness, Istikhara is only used in these cases if at all, when there is cause for great doubt. However if you are able to ascertain the Taqwah of the other person, their righteousness, and their honesty and see you are compatible , it is not required and many scholars have even criticised its abuse in these cases. If you objectively go and read books on Istikhara, not constrained by what culture says but by what Allah, his apostle, and the purified progeny [asws] have said, relayed by scholars such as Sayed Sistani and others, you will know what i am saying is Haq. Furthermore, if you had been so constrained by culture, why did you not make this clear earlier, rather than make false promises of marriage? Did not the Messenger of Allah [saw] say that a believer is one who keeps his promise? Do you think it just to lead someone on for a decade and then pull up and say this? 

You then claim that your family was all for our marriage. However when you had stated that my parent were to visit your parents and fly over, what happened? They made the journey hoping they could finally secure some stability for their daughter, but were met with abuse and ridicule. Imagine a mother and father flying over to discuss what you said would be a marriage contract and then being told that the sons parents do not want this marriage to go ahead whatsoever? I ask you to objectively ponder and ask yourself: Is that respectful? Is that the sign of people who want the marriage to go ahead, who respect my parents at all?  You claim i am hurting and disrespecting your family, but i ask you, in the name of our creator to question whether this act itself, let alone the false promises and everything else that has occurred, is a sign of respect, or a sign of total and utter humiliation? 

I too believe in the justice of Allah, the Almighty. I believe in having a sense of humanity and a sense of empathy. Recognising that a Womans emotions are not to be played around with, and that she only wants honesty and transparency. That means you should not have given false promises of marriage and commitment if you knew your parents did not want the marriage, something mind, your brother also admitted to. This means you should understand that i put my entire life on hold for you, rejected so many other proposals, because i believed you when you said you would marry me and commit. However, all you have done is given false promises, year after year. You've failed to commit, failed to be honest, failed to be transparent, and failed to show any leadership. Any objective minded person can come to their own conclusion as to what the reality of the situation is, and i fear that even if this marriage were to go ahead, if we have problems like this before getting married, pray do well what on earth will occur after marriage? Will we have any autonomy in our marriage? Will it be constantly like this?

I have made my decision. While i am not old yet, if this dragged on further and i hit my 30s marriage would be much harder for me to get. I'm still in my 20s, and i want someone honest, someone transparent, someone who can make his own decisions, who wants to commit more than i do. Someone who can give me stability, security, who has enough empathy to recognise a just argument objectively, without the constraints of his or her own biases. That i say, is not just important to get married but will be a foundation throughout the marriage. I'm a woman, and a womans heart can be sensitive, and her emotions can be played around with. However i seek strength in Allah, and this is a lesson learned.

 

 

 

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Let's say this Istikhara goes ahead, what do you have?:

1. A marriage which starts of where people can not objectively appreciate the argument of the other, and where people will be biased by what their mother / father says and what culture wants. (i.e you're the victim here). How will you agree on fundamental things in your life ?

2. Being strung along for a decade and then suddenly having this pop-up. Where was it before ? If someone is serious, they would have told their parents about you very early on, and moved through this process much sooner. The whole thing is a facade of games.

3. Parents who have been humiliated, to the extent even your father doesn't want this to go ahead. They flew all the way to Pakistan under the pretence things would go ahead to then be dropped the bombshell that the prospective mother and father in law want nothing to do with you - something echoed with your brother.

4. A potential son in law who wants you to go and live and 'serve' his mother in law. This will not end well in most cases, you already have a flavour of what that might be like, and if you even think about doing that, there will be many more fights and clashes that could occur further on. I am not saying this will happen, i am saying it is a possibility.

Ultimately, you know this guy and you know other positive things i guess, so it's up to you to take it all into account holistically and then make a decision. 

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1 hour ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

My reply would be:

I'm a 28 year old woman. I've been here for ten years, where i have tried to push you for marriage and commitment, for many, many years.  Do you not think as a woman , at this age and where i am heading towards approaching 30s, i do not feel a sense of pain and uncertainty at being given false promises of commitment and marriage over the years? 

You claim the i am bringing half-cooked arguments, and using the religion of Allah. Let me testify one thing, and Allah is my witness, Istikhara is only used in these cases if at all, when there is cause for great doubt. However if you are able to ascertain the Taqwah of the other person, their righteousness, and their honesty and see you are compatible , it is not required and many scholars have even criticised its abuse in these cases. If you objectively go and read books on Istikhara, not constrained by what culture says but by what Allah, his apostle, and the purified progeny [asws] have said, relayed by scholars such as Sayed Sistani and others, you will know what i am saying is Haq. Furthermore, if you had been so constrained by culture, why did you not make this clear earlier, rather than make false promises of marriage? Did not the Messenger of Allah [saw] say that a believer is one who keeps his promise? Do you think it just to lead someone on for a decade and then pull up and say this? 

You then claim that your family was all for our marriage. However when you had stated that my parent were to visit your parents and fly over, what happened? They made the journey hoping they could finally secure some stability for their daughter, but were met with abuse and ridicule. Imagine a mother and father flying over to discuss what you said would be a marriage contract and then being told that the sons parents do not want this marriage to go ahead whatsoever? I ask you to objectively ponder and ask yourself: Is that respectful? Is that the sign of people who want the marriage to go ahead, who respect my parents at all?  You claim i am hurting and disrespecting your family, but i ask you, in the name of our creator to question whether this act itself, let alone the false promises and everything else that has occurred, is a sign of respect, or a sign of total and utter humiliation? 

I too believe in the justice of Allah, the Almighty. I believe in having a sense of humanity and a sense of empathy. Recognising that a Womans emotions are not to be played around with, and that she only wants honesty and transparency. That means you should not have given false promises of marriage and commitment if you knew your parents did not want the marriage, something mind, your brother also admitted to. This means you should understand that i put my entire life on hold for you, rejected so many other proposals, because i believed you when you said you would marry me and commit. However, all you have done is given false promises, year after year. You've failed to commit, failed to be honest, failed to be transparent, and failed to show any leadership. Any objective minded person can come to their own conclusion as to what the reality of the situation is, and i fear that even if this marriage were to go ahead, if we have problems like this before getting married, pray do well what on earth will occur after marriage? Will we have any autonomy in our marriage? Will it be constantly like this?

I have made my decision. While i am not old yet, if this dragged on further and i hit my 30s marriage would be much harder for me to get. I'm still in my 20s, and i want someone honest, someone transparent, someone who can make his own decisions, who wants to commit more than i do. Someone who can give me stability, security, who has enough empathy to recognise a just argument objectively, without the constraints of his or her own biases. That i say, is not just important to get married but will be a foundation throughout the marriage. I'm a woman, and a womans heart can be sensitive, and her emotions can be played around with. However i seek strength in Allah, and this is a lesson learned.

 

 

Thank you so much for this. You have put my thoughts and feelings in a very articulate manner. I kind of need that because emotions are making me unable to say anything in this way. I remained quite for so long. He told me never to contact his parents, at times I would want to but I never said anything to them. Now when he is crossing all the limits I have no option but to ring his dad but he doesn't answer. I send him messages on Watsapp and because of this he is saying I am "disrespecting his parents and family". He cares about disrespect when he has completely torn me apart. All my hopes and dreams. 

I would also like to add one more thing.  before I met him, I was a regular 17-18 year old teenager. I had friends. When I started talking to him I distanced a little from all my friends because as I was in a long distance relationship (which i acknowledge was haram). He made sure my world revolved around him. Everything I did, was around him and me being naive and stupid didn't think it was bad. I did keep a few good friends which I still have now. But I kind of feel ashamed of meeting because they are all married (quite recently) and I feel a little embarrassed and left out. They know about this whole situation and can't believe him. So generally I have a very lonely life. I just go to work, come back and talk to him and then repeat. I don't have any older brother or sister, I wish there was someone there to guide me and stop me from all this but he made sure I made him my priority which was my mistake. I kept the relationship very low key that my parents didn't notice it either and when they found out it was too late. I was too emotionally invested in it. 

If he did this to me a little bit earlier I would have been okay but this has come to me as a shock. I feel like I don't have enough time. I don't want to be married when I am in my 30s. If it was upto me I would have loved to be married by the age of 25 but he didn't let that happen. Luckily i am healthy and very fortunate in other aspects of my life by the grace of Allah... So I'm sure I'll find someone but it's shameful that I have been sitting at my parents home all this time and wasting my potential for someone like him who in the end gave in to his parents. He knew his parents were everything to him so why did he string me along to follow them and their cultural practices. 

Allah has told mankind to protect women but it's clear in their household women are just seen as objects who bear children, cook and clean. If they respected me they would have atleast had the courtesy to call me but they don't even answer call. It's funny because to my dad they said they want to make me their daughter. My dad was skeptical but I was the one pushing it and telling him to believe in him and his parents. So many times I had arguments with my parents for him but for the last year I didn't because I realised that my parents mean the world to me. I said to my dad today to call his house and talk to him but he said leave it. I don't want to disrespect his dad or anyone. That is the character of my dad when he can see and hear his daughter cry everyday. My mother hears me cry everyday. 

and you are right, after all this my heart doesn't want to marry into that family. I don't trust him or his family anymore. I would not even trust them to look after my pet cat let alone myself. He said he went to another maulana today and he said he explained to him the whole situation and he will do another istikhara at the time of fajr.. I am tired of these games now. I feel sick. But on the positive side I am trying to do other things, like go out on drives, buy a few things, pray to Allah and ofcourse talk to you guys here. 

I do want to talk to his parents though to give this a closure. They just don't pick up my calls but I want to. I want to speak to them I do know that won't achieve anything because their hearts are cold. 

 

Today he he also sent me a voice clip which is apparently from someone who is a scholar of ayatollah sistani. It said that if you have done istikhara once don't do it again. He just doesn't understand the foundation of this istikhara is wrong what he did. I just can't argue with him anymore.

Lastly, @Intellectual Resistance I want to thank you for your kind words and this amazing knowledge and counselling you are providing me. I look forward to reading your feedback here and I find peace in your words. Thank you so much. May Allah bless you and give you all the happiness in this world and hereafter 

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To add to what has already been said, sister I would highly recommend that if you dont offer prayer (5 times a day), start offering prayer. The immense pleasure and peace prayer offers, nothing will. 

True justice, punishment and judgement is with Allah alone : 
 

إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِالْعَدْلِ وَالْإِحْسَانِ وَإِيتَاءِ ذِي الْقُرْبَىٰ وَيَنْهَىٰ عَنِ الْفَحْشَاءِ وَالْمُنكَرِ وَالْبَغْيِ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

Verily, Allah orders justice and good conduct and giving to relatives and He forbids immorality and bad conduct and oppression. He admonishes you that perhaps you will be reminded.

Surat An-Nahl 16:90

And Allah said:

إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُكُمْ أَن تُؤَدُّوا الْأَمَانَاتِ إِلَىٰ أَهْلِهَا وَإِذَا حَكَمْتُم بَيْنَ النَّاسِ أَن تَحْكُمُوا بِالْعَدْلِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ نِعِمَّا يَعِظُكُم بِهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ سَمِيعًا بَصِيرًا

Verily, Allah commands you to render trusts to whom they are due and when you judge between people to judge with justice. Excellent is that which Allah instructs you. Verily, Allah is ever hearing and seeing.

Surat An-Nisa 4:58

 

 

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10 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

I hesitated to talk about this issue in the past because I am not Indian / Pakistani. So hearing things from an 'outsider' might night sit right with some brothers and sisters here who are good and I didn't want to offend them. Also I have friends in the community who are from Pakistan and India and most of them are good, mumin/a people with good values who take care of their families and even extended families. 

But when it comes to marriage, I think, most of the time, the mother of the potential groom has too much power. I have seen this happen several times in our community here in Dearborn. The potential bride / groom / and brides father are fine with the marriage, then someone else comes in a steps in between the potential husband and wife to sabotage the relationship for their own personal, non Islamic reasons. If it is another family member, it sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. If it is the groom's mother, it almost always works since it seems many men in Pakistan have no ability to view their mother's actions objectively. They look at every action of their mother as if she is masooma, and intellectionally and rationally they know she is not that. We should respect our parents, but at the same time, they are human beings with good and bad qualities and they sometimes do things that are not in our best interest. That's why Allah(s.w.a) gave us our own mind and our own heart, so we could be the final decider of our actions and not someone else because we (and not other people) will be held accountable for our actions. 

 handling a child over to someone else might be difficult!! I may not know so much but a big difference between eastern and western "mother Kingdom " is that eastern mum's are working women they have many more activities along with their children but in West (Pakistan/India) all the concentration of a mother is her child,her world only revolves around her house her children because she is a house wife all she act is as wife or mother.. so giving her kid's rope in other hand after a long long time..that's tough!! So all she want is what she want because she is a mother and mother knows the best:rolleyes:which can be hard or wrong sometimes!! :itsok:

Blind pursuance to ANYONE  is not a responsible act..

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30 minutes ago, peopleofchadar said:

To add to what has already been said, sister I would highly recommend that if you dont offer prayer (5 times a day), start offering prayer. The immense pleasure and peace prayer offers, nothing will. 

True justice, punishment and judgement is with Allah alone : 
 

إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِالْعَدْلِ وَالْإِحْسَانِ وَإِيتَاءِ ذِي الْقُرْبَىٰ وَيَنْهَىٰ عَنِ الْفَحْشَاءِ وَالْمُنكَرِ وَالْبَغْيِ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

Verily, Allah orders justice and good conduct and giving to relatives and He forbids immorality and bad conduct and oppression. He admonishes you that perhaps you will be reminded.

Surat An-Nahl 16:90

And Allah said:

إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُكُمْ أَن تُؤَدُّوا الْأَمَانَاتِ إِلَىٰ أَهْلِهَا وَإِذَا حَكَمْتُم بَيْنَ النَّاسِ أَن تَحْكُمُوا بِالْعَدْلِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ نِعِمَّا يَعِظُكُم بِهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ سَمِيعًا بَصِيرًا

Verily, Allah commands you to render trusts to whom they are due and when you judge between people to judge with justice. Excellent is that which Allah instructs you. Verily, Allah is ever hearing and seeing.

Surat An-Nisa 4:58

 

 

Thank you for this. And you are right I need to start praying more to put my heart at ease, make things easy for myself and find inner peace. I am gonna be honest, I am not regular in my prayers and I am totally aware of that. However, I will try to be more regular in them. Maybe all of this is a result of me being ungrateful to Allah for all his blessings by not offering regular prayers. Thank you so much for your advice, I need to establish a relationship with Allah first then consider having it with one of his creation. Maybe I should have listened to my parents when they told me this guy isn't right for me. I kept defending him because I saw some qualities in him such as loyalty, love and care. But I am doubting them now and thinking maybe they didn't exist before. By doing what he is doing to me now shows lack of care, concern and standing up to the truth and religion over his parents wishes. By all means I am not saying that he should disrespect his parents. I would have made sure I would have given his parents the same love and care that I give to my parents if he chose to marry me. 

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I want to leave it all and I am going to. But I want to give this all a closure. He is a disgusting person and I do not want to marry him. To end all of this he is now blaming it all on my dad. His dad and my dad had a disagreement on mehr but that got resolved. But now he is bring that up as a reason for doing istakhara. This is what he is saying: 

 

Istekhara happens all the time and everyone does it before.marriage in pakistan..I have given you example after example, with my brothers, with father and even before that

And it also became important to do istekhara casue the whole issue with mehr created a limbo state..where Your dad put the whole marriage in jeoperdy" 

 

He is basically blaming that diagreement between his dad and my dad on mehr for all this now. When it got resolved and everything became fine. He doesn't consider the time when his parents called my parents to Pakistan to insult them. My dad watching me cry everyday yet agreeing because of my happiness. His family mistreating me by not calling me or asking me how I was. And only a day or two ago his brother recomfirming that his parents in their heart don't want this marriage this is why they never spoke to you or called you.

i want to give this all a closure. I want to talk to his dad or make my dad call. Should I do that because now he is blaming everything on my dad and his intention

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