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M666

Is Istikhara mandatory before marriage

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Salam brothers and sisters, 

I have been with this Shia guy for the last 10 years, we used to talk on the phone and 2 years ago he brought my marriage proposal. His parents were hesitant at first but after a while they agreed through a lot of persuasion. They put a condition that once he has a job they will marry us. After 2 years the time of marriage finally came and only month before the marriage when everything was decided between his and my parents (date, mehr amount etc) he said that Istikhara is mandatory and without Istikhara he won’t be able to marry me. I have no problem with istakhara but after such a long time of being with me all these promises to me and my parents he says he will do Istikhara. I tried to contact his parents but they dont talk to me or even answer my calls as we live in different countries. He says that only a maulvi will do istakhara and you can’t do it. If instikhara says yes, he will marry me and if it says no he won’t marry me. I need your help. I feel like it is just an excuse because I never heard of the concept that Istikhara is mandatory. It is highly recommended but he is saying he will cancel the marriage only based on an Istikhara which he wants to do one month before marriage when everything has been decided and when he has promised me and my parents on this marriage. Please help me out because I can’t stop crying and I am really distressed.thank you 

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I understand your need to show him how wrong he is and he is throwing away a good relationship and 10 years of emotional investment but take my advice sis...no point wasting your energy and time with him. The more you try to convince him the more you'll come across as being desperate for this marriage to go ahead(which I completely understand and am not judging you for it) and that will make him act only more like a loser he is. So call it off, simple and short and quick and move on. 

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5 hours ago, M666 said:

He said to me that the maulana he spoke to said it is mandatory. He keeps sending me these to justify the fact that is it mandatory; 

[01/02, 12:18] .: [30/01, 22:46] .: al‑Imam 'Ali (‘as), said: "Seek the best from Allah and do not decide on your own (when you intend to do
anything). How many people have decided on their own in performing a task and their destruction was in
that. "2
[30/01, 22:46] .: al‑Imam al‑Sadiq 'said: "Whosoever enters into an action without asking Allah for what is the best and
then falls into a difficulty will not receive the reward (as one who had gone thru trials and tribulations).”3
[30/01, 22:47] .: al‑Imam al‑Sadiq (as) said: "Whosoever seeks the best from Allah in his affair, and acts upon one of
the options (either performs or does not perform an action) but has something enter into his heart
(unhappiness or doubt regarding to how he acted), has leveled an (unfounded) accusation against
Allah." 122
[30/01, 22:48] .: l‑Imam al‑Sadiq (as) was once asked: "Who is the worst creation in the eyes of Allah?" The Imam (as)
,replied, "The one who levels an accusation against Him (Allah). " The person retorted, "Is it possible for
a person to level an accusation against Allah?" The Imam (as) ,replied, "Yes. The one who asks Allah for
the best and it (the best) is given to him but in the way of something that he does not like, and he
becomes upset. Thus, this is the one who has leveled an accusation against Allah. ‘’ 223

The second video talks about your situation the best. He should've done the istikhara 10 years ago, now it's too late. It's stupid that after 10 years he's still not sure. This situation puts a red flag over this guy. I really do hope he snaps out of it. Istikhara is only done when in confusion. If after 10 years of knowing you he's still confused... then I don't know what to say about this.

 

 

Edited by Ibn Al-Shahid

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No, definitely not mandatory. Istekhara is only for when the decision is unclear, but some cultures use it like fortune-telling. 

You're not going to change his parents' minds, but prepare yourself for if you have to let him go. 

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Wasalam, 

he has wasted so much of my time I just can’t stop crying. We are both Pakistani. He says it is not culture he says it is very important for Shias to do Istikhara and without it marriage can’t take place. I know a lot of people in our culture who are Shias but don’t say anything like this. He says they are all not proper Shias if they don’t do Istikhara before marriage. He says he will end everything if the istakhara is no. And he was meant to marry me this month after making me his fiancé two years ago. He said he has asked a very well known maulvis and they all said it is mandatory and without it he can’t marry. 

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Salaam Alaykum Sister

Istikharah is not mandatory. Even if you do Istikharah and it was bad, you can act against it. It is not Haraam(but you need to pay a big Sadaqah before).

I don't believe in doing Istikharah for marriage. When you are sure, do marriage and don't worry.

It is not correct that they took your time this long time and finally say, Istikharah. Try to contact them. Talk with your parents and ask them to call their family. One of the Shia scholars said:" I never did Istikharah on my daughters marriages".

ISTIKHARAH IS NOT MANDATORY.

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He is saying that it is mandatory. He says that every information I am getting off the internet is false and that he is right because his maulana has said it is mandatory. He says that if it is bad then he will not marry me because it is not will of Allah to get us married. If shown him so many reliable answers from scholars that say it is not mandatory but he just disregards it. He starts crying and says to me that pray it’s good otherwise I will have to leave you. I will always be there for you even if he doesn’t marry me but I don’t want a haram relationship. His parents don’t answer my call they openly ignore me because he says it is not appropriate to talk to me because I’m not married to him but he brought my proposal two years ago and made me his fiancé. I just don’t get it. I can’t sleep I just cry because he promised me marriage this month and now he is saying this. He said he has done one Istikhara and it has come out bad so he will do it again and if that is bad he will leave me. After 10 years he is saying this... I just can’t. We as Muslims are told to honour promises and he is going to break all this based on Istikhara 

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Question: I am a girl who has received many proposals for marriage but each time my father has done istikhara and it came out "bad". What should I do? Should I keep waiting until the istikhara comes out "good"?

Answer: The woman and her guardians should give importance to the qualities of the man she chooses to marry. She should not marry except a man who is religious, chaste, of good character, not a drunkard or someone who commits sins and evil deeds. It is better not to reject the proposition of a man who is religious and of good character. The Prophet has said, “When a man whose religion and character pleases you comes to you [with a proposition], then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be chaos and a great corruption in the world.” It is not good to rely on istikhara when he/she can do research about the character and background of someone who comes with a proposal.

- Sistani

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21 hours ago, M666 said:

He is saying that it is mandatory. He says that every information I am getting off the internet is false and that he is right because his maulana has said it is mandatory. He says that if it is bad then he will not marry me because it is not will of Allah to get us married. If shown him so many reliable answers from scholars that say it is not mandatory but he just disregards it. He starts crying and says to me that pray it’s good otherwise I will have to leave you. I will always be there for you even if he doesn’t marry me but I don’t want a haram relationship. His parents don’t answer my call they openly ignore me because he says it is not appropriate to talk to me because I’m not married to him but he brought my proposal two years ago and made me his fiancé. I just don’t get it. I can’t sleep I just cry because he promised me marriage this month and now he is saying this. He said he has done one Istikhara and it has come out bad so he will do it again and if that is bad he will leave me. After 10 years he is saying this... I just can’t. We as Muslims are told to honour promises and he is going to break all this based on Istikhara 

Sis this is  not good what he is doing

i just feel he is making excuses 

the way his family is treating you is not good either 

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No one answers my msgs or calls. I send his father msgs on WhatsApp he reads then but doesn’t answer. I asked the boy why his father doesn’t answer it he says it’s because it’s not right to speak to you then I say okay can I speak to your mother he says no because she will not go against her husband and you aren’t married to me yet so she won’t speak. He could have done Istikhara when he brought my proposal but he said no Istikhara is done in the final stages, I have never heard that before. He says that the Istikhara will determine everything but I say to him what about the promise you made to my parents. He says I will have to follow the Istikhara and end everything. I tell him to use his brain. He knows I a, good and use knowledge and honour everything but he starts crying and saying to me that I don’t want this to end but if Istikhara says no then Allah is not happy with the marriage. What about the time he has wasted of mine, he doesn’t care. He says whatever the decision it will be it will be the best for us which I agree but after all this time. When I’ve been with him for 10 years I could have been married with kids and a husband but he kept me waiting for him to say all this in the end. I feel so hurt 

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That is what my parents have said. But the fact that he is using shia Islam to justify these actions is a little weird. He tells me he has asked a couple of maulanas and they said it is a mandatory part of marriage and the result needs to be acted upon otherwise the marriage can not happen. I should have been preparing for the marriage choosing dresses etc but he has put me through this just when the marriage is about the approach. I say I will do it myself and he says you can’t do istakhara only a maulana can do it because he is the purest person. I know this is not true but he says tats how it is like for us Shias. He says that the imams have made it mandatory to do Istikhara before marriage. Without it no marriage can happen. And if it is no then I will leave you. He has done one istakhara and said the Istikhara said no but he will do another one because he says he loves me a lot. I have told him that through my own research it is not mandatory but he disregards everything. I 

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I also show him majlis disproving his claims that it is mandatory but he disregards them all by saying they are different sect of Shia... they aren’t saying the right thing. I’m telling you the right thing. All the information you are getting on the internet is also false. He also says when your family and friends say Istikhara is not mandatory they are wrong because I have asked maulanas and they all said it is. He said his brother did istakhara before marriage therefor he has to do it too. 

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I just feel so confused. I feel deceived and lied to. And the fact that he is using religion to justify all this is just beyond my understanding. He disregards everything.. and the way his family treats me makes me feel so disrespected. I don’t get why he can’t be clear with me that he doesn’t want this marriage. He did me wrong for 10 years. He gave me false hopes and dreams of marriage. And when the time finally came he is using Istikhara as an excuse. I feel disgusted how someone could do this to me. Allah will serve justice..  inshallah. it I came on the forum to clear if Istikhara is mandatory or not. It is evident from everyone who has posted here that it is not. He made me feel like it was mandatory and that it is against the Quran to not do it. 

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4 hours ago, M666 said:

I just feel so confused. I feel deceived and lied to. And the fact that he is using religion to justify all this is just beyond my understanding. He disregards everything.. and the way his family treats me makes me feel so disrespected. I don’t get why he can’t be clear with me that he doesn’t want this marriage. He did me wrong for 10 years. He gave me false hopes and dreams of marriage. And when the time finally came he is using Istikhara as an excuse. I feel disgusted how someone could do this to me. Allah will serve justice..  inshallah. it I came on the forum to clear if Istikhara is mandatory or not. It is evident from everyone who has posted here that it is not. He made me feel like it was mandatory and that it is against the Quran to not do it. 

Sister just wondering have you or your parents actually ever spoken to his parents 

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11 hours ago, starlight said:

Sorry, but what a jerk! 

Tell him you are not going ahead with the marriage because you deserve someone better. 

 

This, 100%. A man who believes in the will of Allah will not lead on a woman for ten years, only to decide he's uncertain when she demands marriage.

He is using istekhara like a horoscope for fortune-telling, and that's idolatry. You seriously should consider ending all relations with him immediately. If he does marry you, you're going to have to spend the rest of your life dealing with this superstitious nonsense and your children are likely to follow in his footsteps. 

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11 hours ago, Sisterfatima1 said:

Sister just wondering have you or your parents actually ever spoken to his parents 

Basically sister, his parents initially were very against thing marriage. He didn't tell his parents until 5 years went and when he told his mother she was not gonna get us married. At that time I was like okay, leave this relationship so I left him but he persuaded me that he loves me and can't live without me. So I came back to him because he promised he will give me marriage. Year after another went by and he would always come up with some sort of excuse. The about two years ago he convinced his parents and they agreed. They called my house and asked my parents for my hand. His parents at that time didn't really speak to me.. Never on eid or anything. It seemed like the were being forced and they only spoke to me half heartedly for the sake of their son. But his mother never asked me if I was okay or wish me on eid or anything. I asked him why doesn't your mother talk to me he said because you aren't married we don't talk. Then few months ago before moharram his brothers wife contacted me asking me about wedding clothes and size. I gave her that then they didn't speak to me because moharram came in. Then finally last month the mehr was decided, and before my dad cups ring back saying ok we agree on it, he messaged me and said I need to istakhara because it's mandatory. So his parents hardly spoke to me. When this istakhara thing came in I tried to contact them but they never pick my call up and his bhabi blocked me 

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so after your guys help, I spoke to him today and told him that istakhara is not mandatory. He said why are you trusting random people on Internet. See that's the thing. He disregards everything so there is no point trying to explain what he is doing is wrong. I feel extremely hurt that after 10 years and towards the end when the marriage was gonna happen he put istakhara in the picture claiming its mandatory. I trusted him a lot but he broke everything. The sad part is that he is using shiaism to justify it. He says that it is mandatory and I have told him to get lost. To him a promise means nothing, a girls life and time means nothing and istakhara is everything?!

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1 hour ago, M666 said:

so after your guys help, I spoke to him today and told him that istakhara is not mandatory. He said why are you trusting random people on Internet. See that's the thing. He disregards everything so there is no point trying to explain what he is doing is wrong. I feel extremely hurt that after 10 years and towards the end when the marriage was gonna happen he put istakhara in the picture claiming its mandatory. I trusted him a lot but he broke everything. The sad part is that he is using shiaism to justify it. He says that it is mandatory and I have told him to get lost. To him a promise means nothing, a girls life and time means nothing and istakhara is everything?!

I have a idea to see his reaction 

tell him you will get a sheikh you know to do the istakhara for you both and see what he will say 

i think this will give his true intentions 

Edited by Sisterfatima1

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3 hours ago, M666 said:

so after your guys help, I spoke to him today and told him that istakhara is not mandatory. He said why are you trusting random people on Internet. See that's the thing. He disregards everything so there is no point trying to explain what he is doing is wrong. I feel extremely hurt that after 10 years and towards the end when the marriage was gonna happen he put istakhara in the picture claiming its mandatory. I trusted him a lot but he broke everything. The sad part is that he is using shiaism to justify it. He says that it is mandatory and I have told him to get lost. To him a promise means nothing, a girls life and time means nothing and istakhara is everything?!

You are better off without him 

find a man who truly loves you for you 

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1 hour ago, Sisterfatima1 said:

I have a idea to see his reaction 

tell him you will get a sheikh you know to do the istakhara for you both and see what he will say 

i think this will give his true intentions 

He told me that he is using a maulana to do istakhara. He said that the maulana used the Quran and then picked out a surrah from Quran then said this means it is bad and you should not get married. Then he said he will do it again using this way. And he also said he asked someone in Kerbala to do the istakhara and they said don't get married. I am so confused. I told him whatever you guys are telling me and he says don't believe these ppl they have no knowledge which I know is a lie, and that that all the imams have said to do istakhara. He says he will try it again. I messaged his dad today on Watsapp but he didn't reply even though I said I am not happy 

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1 hour ago, Ibn Al-Shahid said:

Istikhara is not mandatory for marriage. In fact, a lot of shia scholars are against marriage istikhara.

He said to me that the maulana he spoke to said it is mandatory. He keeps sending me these to justify the fact that is it mandatory; 

[01/02, 12:18] .: [30/01, 22:46] .: al‑Imam 'Ali (‘as), said: "Seek the best from Allah and do not decide on your own (when you intend to do
anything). How many people have decided on their own in performing a task and their destruction was in
that. "2
[30/01, 22:46] .: al‑Imam al‑Sadiq 'said: "Whosoever enters into an action without asking Allah for what is the best and
then falls into a difficulty will not receive the reward (as one who had gone thru trials and tribulations).”3
[30/01, 22:47] .: al‑Imam al‑Sadiq (as) said: "Whosoever seeks the best from Allah in his affair, and acts upon one of
the options (either performs or does not perform an action) but has something enter into his heart
(unhappiness or doubt regarding to how he acted), has leveled an (unfounded) accusation against
Allah." 122
[30/01, 22:48] .: l‑Imam al‑Sadiq (as) was once asked: "Who is the worst creation in the eyes of Allah?" The Imam (as)
,replied, "The one who levels an accusation against Him (Allah). " The person retorted, "Is it possible for
a person to level an accusation against Allah?" The Imam (as) ,replied, "Yes. The one who asks Allah for
the best and it (the best) is given to him but in the way of something that he does not like, and he
becomes upset. Thus, this is the one who has leveled an accusation against Allah. ‘’ 223

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Thank you for the help guys. So today I said to him I want to speak to your dad. He said you can speak to my brother. His brother spoke to me and told me that istakhara is not mandatory but in our household we have to do it. And that his parents may have bought your proposal but they are not happy with the marriage from inside. In their hearts they don't want this marriage. I said okay fine but then two years ago when they asked my parents for the proposal why didn't they mention that in their household istakhara is always done and I said how is it right after all these years you are doing istakhara. He said because we want Allah to show us the way because marriage is a very big thing. And we don't want to take the decision ourselves. I said how is it right that you told my parents and asked for marriage but didn't warn about istakhara. 

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