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nur1507

Pls Help! Revert Sister living with in laws

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Salam Alaykum,

Please i hope as many sisters as possible read this and give me their opinion... your help is much appreciated ! 

I am a revert shia muslim sister and I am 25 years old. I have been married for less than one year to my husband and when i agreed to marry him  I accepted to live with his family :  his mother who is a housewife and she is divorced, his 16 yo sister, his two brothers of which one is mentally disable. One of his brother is married and was meant to move out soon but he didn't yet so atm I wear my hijab every day when he is at home. 

Even if I get along very well with his mum and family, I find it now too hard to live with this arrangement.  as i feel i don't have much personal space and sometimes enough privacy or enough quiet ; can't  always do my own things, cooking or cleaning expecially their mum is housewife so she is the one who mostly looks after them and manages the house . Also, i am not used to live with a disable person (down syndrome) and sometimes it  gets difficult..and on top of that the fact that I still have to  wear hijab around the house every day.. they also sometimes invite male friends and it makes me feel ubcomfortable and of course i cant mix so i have to stay the whole time in my room 

I get very frustrated and I am often sad . Sometimes I feel like I need a break but I can't even go anywhere as I am pretty much alone in this country and if i want to go stay at my parents I need to take a plane.

 What makes me feel much worse is the fact that my husband don't understand me ...instead he says i  am always exagerating, making it much bigger than it is,  blaming me for everything for my negativity for my feeling sad...  He also constantly tells me that i m the lucky and privileged one to be with him and his family and that there are many girls who would live like me .

I honestly don't believe any born muslim girl would have accepted to marry someone and live like I do ... we didn't even have a wedding...my mahr was low .. i married him purely because i wanted to be with him.. I tried to accept it,  but now this has become too much and the fact that he doesnt understand me just makes it impossible for me to go on like this

Please sisters tell me honestly ?Would you ever accept to be living like i do?

 

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Walaykum Salaam, this is such a tricky situation to be in , and i am so sorry to hear the difficulty you are going through, i hope a sister can help. I'll just post this in the meantime: 

 

Edited by Intellectual Resistance

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26 minutes ago, nur1507 said:

Please sisters tell me honestly ?Would you ever accept to be living like i do?

Yes. It's simply a matter of what you are used to.

Why not talk seriously with your husband about your feelings of loneliness in a crowd, and ask if he ever plans to move into an individual home. At the same time, try to cultivate a friendship with your mother-in-law and sister-in-law. 

 

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Whether I would accept it or not would depend on whether it's meant to be a temporary situation or not. If it is, you should try to have patience and look at the positives in your situation. Living on your own is also lonely sometimes so enjoy the company you have for now. If this is a permanent or long term situation, at least the brother living there is temporary, he should be moving out soon so just keep your hopes on that day when you can relax a bit more around the house. 

Maybe you could consider getting a job, which will give you a chance to get out of the house sometimes and clear your head a bit. 

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9 hours ago, nur1507 said:

He also constantly tells me that i m the lucky and privileged one to be with him and his family and that there are many girls who would live like me

Sorry to comment - I'm a guy. But this mentality makes me really sad.

Inhshallah everything will be fine.

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans

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Salaam Alaykum

I'm a brother.

I think you first need to talk with him more serious regarding this issue. Don't argue with him. Just tell him your needs.  Ask him is it temporary or permanent? You should know this. After a while, if he still had same altitude, do this. ( REMEMBER BEST SOLUTION IS SOLVING PROBLEMS BETWEEN YOURSELVES AND NEVER INVOLVE OTHERS EVEN PARENTS. I personally never go to second step. It's sometimes detrimental not constructive.)

 Try to be closer to his mum and get her trust. Gradually tell his mum about your problem. Try to be respectful to her and tell her it would be great if you could have your own apt with your husband and visiting you sometimes and helping you. If it didn't work, go to third step and it's talking with the Shaykh of your nearby mosque.

 

As I said I never recommend second and third step. Best solution is solving problem between yourselves. If you want to go to second step, make sure you did your best on convincing your husband. Talk with him more for several months. Remember ask him if this situation is temporary or forever. It's important to know. Whenever you talk with your husband be kinder and nicer to him. Respect him more.

We all know this is your right, but try to solve it between yourselves respectfully. Be kinder and nicer to your husband. Inshaallah it would be solved.

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On 1/2/2018 at 8:51 AM, Intellectual Resistance said:

Walaykum Salaam, this is such a tricky situation to be in , and i am so sorry to hear the difficulty you are going through, i hope a sister can help. I'll just post this in the meantime: 

 

Brother. This video is not exactly relevant here. This is more of an interpersonal issue than it is one of rights or not. 

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On 1/2/2018 at 7:57 AM, nur1507 said:

Salam Alaykum,

Please i hope as many sisters as possible read this and give me their opinion... your help is much appreciated ! 

I am a revert shia muslim sister and I am 25 years old. I have been married for less than one year to my husband and when i agreed to marry him  I accepted to live with his family :  his mother who is a housewife and she is divorced, his 16 yo sister, his two brothers of which one is mentally disable. One of his brother is married and was meant to move out soon but he didn't yet so atm I wear my hijab every day when he is at home. 

Even if I get along very well with his mum and family, I find it now too hard to live with this arrangement.  as i feel i don't have much personal space and sometimes enough privacy or enough quiet ; can't  always do my own things, cooking or cleaning expecially their mum is housewife so she is the one who mostly looks after them and manages the house . Also, i am not used to live with a disable person (down syndrome) and sometimes it  gets difficult..and on top of that the fact that I still have to  wear hijab around the house every day.. they also sometimes invite male friends and it makes me feel ubcomfortable and of course i cant mix so i have to stay the whole time in my room 

I get very frustrated and I am often sad . Sometimes I feel like I need a break but I can't even go anywhere as I am pretty much alone in this country and if i want to go stay at my parents I need to take a plane.

 What makes me feel much worse is the fact that my husband don't understand me ...instead he says i  am always exagerating, making it much bigger than it is,  blaming me for everything for my negativity for my feeling sad...  He also constantly tells me that i m the lucky and privileged one to be with him and his family and that there are many girls who would live like me .

I honestly don't believe any born muslim girl would have accepted to marry someone and live like I do ... we didn't even have a wedding...my mahr was low .. i married him purely because i wanted to be with him.. I tried to accept it,  but now this has become too much and the fact that he doesnt understand me just makes it impossible for me to go on like this

Please sisters tell me honestly ?Would you ever accept to be living like i do?

 

Firstly, sister tell us if your husband is desi, or whichever ethnicity he is from. This might not seem like much to you, but especially desi Muslims are notorious for mixing Islam with weird cultural beliefs and make life a living hell for those around them. I am saying this as a desi Muslim myself. 

Especially desi Muslims, believe it or not, it is possible to A.) live alone with your spouse and kids and B.) also have regular interactions with your extended family and in-laws without y'all tryna be in one single house. 

As for the religious recommendation. I am not making a fatwa (so SC members, feel free to correct me) but one need not look further to understand this situation than the marriage of Imam Ali (AS) to Hazrat Fatima (SA). Theoretically, they could have lived with the prophet but evidently there are some very obvious reasons why it was recommended that the newly wed couple live alone in their own separate house. So my advice is that you and your husband adopt the marital living conditions and lifestyle of Imam Ali (AS) and Hazrat Fatima (SA), that is to live in your own house together with also hopefully your kids in the future. But to obviously maintain good relations with your in-laws and family. Anything else as a shin Muslim you are not obligated to accept as if it was a religious edict. 

 

Also sister I might be reading into this too much but I think perhaps you were not selective enough in picking the right husband (he can change, and the first thing he needs to do is anything that is Islamically not his right over you he needs to check out the door). Lines like this (under the assumption you are being transparent about your husband) "he says I am always exaggerating, making it much bigger than it is,  blaming me for everything for my negativity for my feeling sad...  He also constantly tells me that i m the lucky and privileged one to be with him and his family and that there are many girls who would live like me" make me honestly wonder what exactly he views you as. I understand that sometimes there can be women who are ungrateful for what they are given, but your situation is not one of those situations. And he is in fact doing zulm (harm) to you by forcing you to be in a situation that has nothing to do with Islam or what it prescribes for your situation (you having to live with his family in their home). So at this point, there is no reason for you to be "grateful" for zulm being done to you. You need to spell this out for your husband clearly.

 

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Sorry for late reply, thank you very much for all your answers i very much appreciate them... i think sometimes is easy to say " yes i would accept to live in such and such conditions" as i did myself  but to find9 yourself living in that situation is very much different from expectations..  also when someone is so stubborn that lives in his own head is very difficult  to make see things from another point of view..

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5 hours ago, nur1507 said:

Sorry for late reply, thank you very much for all your answers i very much appreciate them... i think sometimes is easy to say " yes i would accept to live in such and such conditions" as i did myself  but to find9 yourself living in that situation is very much different from expectations..  also when someone is so stubborn that lives in his own head is very difficult  to make see things from another point of view..

My advice would be to convince your husband to get a house that is relatively close to his parent's house, keeping in mind your jobs. Maybe like a 5-20 minute drive to their house. That way, you get the best of both worlds, you and your husband have your own house and your husband gets to visit his parent's house conveniently. 

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