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lola20

Men, how much does a girl's past matter to you?

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It maters a lot for me, my past should also matter for her. That does not mean that the need of men and the need of women are 100% equal and thus actions meeting those needs are equally justified. No, we are very different but that does not mean one is better than the other, just that we are different. 

I am picking the mother for my future children and she is picking the father for her future children.

Following the choices of the Imams(as) and the Prophet(S), they did not, as far as I know, marry women with a problematic "past". I trust their judgement over my own or any other modern liberal world view.

Of course this is not the case when dealing with a revert who may have a past, that is a completely different matter. But when dealing with a muslim women who was raised in a muslim household but still managed to acquire a problematic "past" then that is a different scenario in which I would decline unless I also have had a problematic "past" in which case I do not expect more from her than I do from me, but I would still rather marry someone who doesnt have a past because to my opinion men have a easier time of letting go and moving on from bad memories/emotions while women have a harder time doing so.

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People (men and women) will lie about this, possibly unintentionally. If they say it matters, believe them. If they say it doesn't matter, hold onto a little skepticism.

 

Edited by notme

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Doesn't matter at all as long as it's her past regardless of what it was, we all make mistakes and we all go through difficult times, what matters is who she is now. I would prefer that she is comfortable enough and vice versa that we are able to share most things from the past and present.

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The past matters a lot to me, but it also kinda depends a lot.  

For example, a lot of Muslims in the west aren't strict about zabiha halal eating only.  Or maybe they only eat halal at home.  If someone were to say that "once we get married, I'll change and only eat halal," I'd be really skeptical.  Or if they said they stopped drinking 6 months ago, or stopped dating a year ago, or stopped something or the other, I'd be fearful that they could go back to their old ways.  And then what recourse do I have?  If someone says they'll change their ways for me, or after marriage, that's a big red flag for me, because I don't think people really change unless they change for themselves.

Also, I feel like I have avoided lots of things that are sinful (non-halal food, alcohol, girlfriends, etc).  This isn't easy.  I see it like running a marathon, or doing an obstacle course.  When someone partakes in all those non-halal things, it's like they just skipped the middle of the course and took a cab to the finish line, and cheating.

That being said, if I feel like someone has truly changed, truly decided that they will never go back to those things, then I see no problem with pursuing a marriage with them.  But I'd expect them to be upfront with me about their past, and I'd be honest with them about my thoughts toward it.  If we are in agreement, then both of us would need to agree to never hang it over each others heads.  She couldn't threaten to go back to her old ways, or teach our kids anything about it, and I couldn't remind her about it and treat her like less of a person because of it.

tl;dr - I don't think most people really make meaningful changes in their lives.  Which is why I'd be concerned.  But for those that genuinely do, past wouldn't matter if everything else is in order.

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