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lola20

Men, how much does a girl's past matter to you?

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I'm curious how much it would matter to you if you were really in love with someone. How much would it matter to you if she had a past? Would it matter less if it was done in a halal way? Would you even want to know? I'm also curious the reasoning why it seems to matter so much to guys, but it doesn't seem to matter as much to Muslim women if the man has a history? Is it a territorial thing? [EDIT] If that's true, you don't see anything wrong with that way of thinking? 

Appreciate honesty, thanks. 

Edited by Hameedeh
[EDIT] Inappropriate language removed.

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5 hours ago, lola20 said:

I'm curious how much it would matter to you if you were really in love with someone. How much would it matter to you if she had a past? Would it matter less if it was done in a halal way? Would you even want to know? I'm also curious the reasoning why it seems to matter so much to guys, but it doesn't seem to matter as much to Muslim women if the man has a history? Is it a territorial thing? Like "oh someone else has played with my meat and now I don't want it"? If that's true, you don't see anything wrong with that way of thinking? 

Appreciate honesty, thanks. 

If she is religious and has good manner, her past doesn't matter at all to me.

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Wsalam, it's all due to social and cultural conditioning that certain men seem to feel superior and arrogant towards women in this regard, honestly their is hardly anyone on this planet male or female that doesn't have somewhat of a promiscuous past? If Allah swt accepts us as we are in the present, surely we should be able to accept each other? sure their are certain people who want their wives and husbands to be pure and perfect but realistically speaking what are the odds of that being possible? In conclusion it's not fair to reject a potential spouse because of his/her past but rather judge them as they are now because honestly non of us would like to be rejected due to our stupid past and would rather be judged as the believer we are today since that is the fairest approach, we want Allah to be merciful to us but we cannot be merciful to each other, now that's something to think about the

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35 minutes ago, hasanhh said:

lt mattered a lot to me.

l did not want a diseased, drug using, pain in the arse.

So, l didn't, ahamduallah.

l also had her investigated and her family searched for criminal backgrounds.

Hasanhh I think you're confused.

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57 minutes ago, rinneganMahdi said:

Wsalam, it's all due to social and cultural conditioning that certain men seem to feel superior and arrogant towards women in this regard, honestly their is hardly anyone on this planet male or female that doesn't have somewhat of a promiscuous past? If Allah swt accepts us as we are in the present, surely we should be able to accept each other? sure their are certain people who want their wives and husbands to be pure and perfect but realistically speaking what are the odds of that being possible? In conclusion it's not fair to reject a potential spouse because of his/her past but rather judge them as they are now because honestly non of us would like to be rejected due to our stupid past and would rather be judged as the believer we are today since that is the fairest approach, we want Allah to be merciful to us but we cannot be merciful to each other, now that's something to think about the

Wow tbh I didn't expect for such an emotionally mature answer from a Muslim man lol 

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That is an irrelevant question. Since most people only make such enquiries because they're looking to gauge the opinions of someone they are personally interested in, I suggest you ask him instead of presuming his opinions based on those of random strangers on the internet who are likely not linked to him by means of culture, geography, language and circumstance.

Unless you're a researcher, in which case, go ahead...

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13 minutes ago, lola20 said:

Wow tbh I didn't expect for such an emotionally mature answer from a Muslim man lol 

You're welcome, and because it's only logical, and to be honest we sometimes forget that we came from the womb of a woman, and it's God almighty who told us that heaven lies at the feet of that woman so utmost respect  should be given since every woman has the potential to be a mother, that said men and women are equal so I don't understand why one gets harsher treatment than the other you know? It's simple logic :)

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Girl past matters as well as boys one. If some thing bad happened to you because of your bad luck is different matter. 

Say for example you have friends who have trapped you but do you have no choice of having friends; so here is your fault.

But if you are got married but another guy was a alcoholic. It is not girl's fault. Get rid of him. So for that it does not matter.    

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1 hour ago, Khadim uz Zahra said:

That is an irrelevant question. Since most people only make such enquiries because they're looking to gauge the opinions of someone they are personally interested in, I suggest you ask him instead of presuming his opinions based on those of random strangers on the internet who are likely not linked to him by means of culture, geography, language and circumstance.

Unless you're a researcher, in which case, go ahead...

That's definitely not the case lol. Honestly curious about the opinions of Muslim men. It seems to me like the family puts more importance on a woman's past being "clean" and I just wanted to see what the guys think. 

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1 hour ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

It really depends on the situation, though I'm gonna be very honest that it does matter to me in some ways.

A girl who was okay dating for many years might not have the same values as me.

Thanks for your honesty. 

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I am a very traditional guy

When I met my future wife, she was pretty upfront about her past. She had numerous boyfriends before me (she was 32 when I met her, and I was 29), and this did initially bother me quite a bit. I thought about breaking off the relationship, even though I adored her, and everything was going very well.

I stuck with her, and we married 8 months later. We have been happily married for 17 years, and she is a woman of outstanding character, honesty, and fidelity. She is a wonderful mother to my children and my best friend.

Life is complicated, and while we should hold to our convictions and principles, we should not be so rigid and unforgiving as to miss great opportunities.

 

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13 minutes ago, Silas said:

 

Life is complicated, and while we should hold to our convictions and principles, we should not be so rigid and unforgiving as to miss great opportunities.

 

You hit the nail on the head with this one bro, honestly this sums up everything perfectly

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Sorry for responding late

 

I just want to get something across. According to the fiqh and sharia is a chaste person= someone with a past who repented? 

 

I am asking this because I think all Muslims should strive to not only be chaste but to pursue chaste marital partners. And there is no real substitute for a chaste person in Islam. Even if someone repented truly for their past. That is not to say that we should ignore these types of people or ostracise them but that some us have adopted the thinking that indeed these types of people are equal to chaste people if they have repented. Which inevitably brings the question of what is the point of being chaste to begin with.

 

Also in terms of marrying these types of people when one partner is chaste. Well, as with anything in life this is complicated. And indeed your partner having a past but being repentful is playing with fire. Since I have seen such couples work out just fine and other times and in the same frequency not work out and end in divorce due to the partner with a past having resurgent hung up feelings for past partners, despite repentance.

 

And you would be suprised that these resurgent feelings can have a long delay and occur after 20+ years of a happy marriage with kids. Trust me, this occurs at a frequency higher than any of us would like to admit. 

 

Due to me observing these two equally occurring outcomes I can't exactly give my blessings but I would urge one to be highly highly cautious about these people and interrogate them fully and to not ignore red flags and ask multiple and different people their opinions on whether the marriage ought to be done (including consulting with Muslim marital counselors and therapists)

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45 minutes ago, smiley123 said:

depends on the level of insecurity of the man, but I think for about 60 % of men the past matters alot

The funny thing is there are more Muslim men with a past than Muslim women. And although many Muslim women hid their discontent and true feelings, they feel an immense sense of insecurity and betrayal and all sorts of emotions that don't go away when they find out their hubby had a past. 

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1 hour ago, Guest Account Ali said:

Bruh, you are ignoring the many many situations where marrying someone with a past, despite repentence, ends up flopping out due to resurgence of pa

No the question is when you love someone who has a past, and things in a halal way.i am giving you answer according to that. 

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6 minutes ago, Jin Jin said:

No the question is when you love someone who has a past, and things in a halal way.i am giving you answer according to that. 

Dude, repentence implies change. And you loving your spouse who has a past and them repenting daily on the musallah and to you will not get rid of the emotional baggage she or he has from their past. It never goes away. And no matter if you are the best husband or wife in the world your spouse with a history might have resurgent feelings. 

 

I have literally seen examples of couples wherein the husband loves the wife to death or the wife loves the husband to death and still, even still, the husband or wife with a past somehow manages to catch old feelings. Now whether they manage to act on those feelings is a different matter. But the point is love does not conquer all. And emotional baggage from past relationships never goes away. Never. 

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