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Guest Mother

Guidance needed

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Guest Mother

My son is 23 and in education and very intelligent , but he failed one of the year and is re doing that year now . The actual root is clear there is girl he did not tell me for 3 years has been with . She older then him , few months and now in job as she did not do medicine . They want to get married against our will . I don’t see any point . Apart from girl wants to move in and ruin his life as his tough years are coming up . Girls family is extremely clever and doggi people who knew for the last three years and did not other asking us . Where as we were not told by any one ; means by my son . I am very unhappy and tried to stop my son . How can I convince him to as I have concerns it will ruin his life and he is not ready for marriage as he is dependent on us . I can not have another person to take care but . My son has been very unreasonable and tells me it’s his Islamic right . What about our rights as parents . I do not want to leave him but I see more humiliation then respect in this relation now .

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On 12/15/2017 at 3:37 AM, Guest Mother said:

My son is 23 and in education and very intelligent , but he failed one of the year and is re doing that year now . The actual root is clear there is girl he did not tell me for 3 years has been with . She older then him , few months and now in job as she did not do medicine . They want to get married against our will . I don’t see any point . Apart from girl wants to move in and ruin his life as his tough years are coming up . Girls family is extremely clever and doggi people who knew for the last three years and did not other asking us . Where as we were not told by any one ; means by my son . I am very unhappy and tried to stop my son . How can I convince him to as I have concerns it will ruin his life and he is not ready for marriage as he is dependent on us . I can not have another person to take care but . My son has been very unreasonable and tells me it’s his Islamic right . What about our rights as parents . I do not want to leave him but I see more humiliation then respect in this relation now .

Salaam Alaykum

It's a sign of wisdom that you decided to ask this question from other people. Usually parents do what they believe is correct and it brings more problems.

I'm two years older than your son. Two days ago I talked with my mum about marriage, and she said NO. I don't know why??? I don't even get one dollar from my family, and I'm all dependent on Allah(I mean I am independent and I try to work and make money). She said you have to graduate first which is irrational to me since some of my friends married while they were student and they have good life now. I am number one student in college of engineering, and it doesn't make sense to me. I understand that my graduation has some concerns especially with this delay, but it will be solved inshaallah. I work very hard.

To be honest, when parents insist on telling something to their children, they make them more obstinate in their decision. AmirAlmuminin said: "النسان حریص علی ما منع". It means human being is greedy on gaining stuff that he/she is forbidden of. If you constantly argue with your son about this issue, it makes him more stubborn and ruins peaceful atmosphere in the house. Talk with him without imposing your opinion on him. Ask for his perspective and try to know his reasons for such a marriage. Give him space. Let him realize that his voice is listened and respected by his mother. Believe me, if your son marry with the best girl in the world, but he feels that he doesn't have family support, that marriage doesn't go anywhere. It probably end up with divorce.

The best way is to give trust feeling to your son. Make him feel that you are supportive, you are concerned about him, and then talk about his decision. If he doesn't feel this way, no matter how rational is your word, he ignores it. Talking with him and get his father involved. It should not be only your concern. His father should also feel same concern. If there is a problem whole family should work with each other to solve it. I mean his brothers and sisters should also help him and talk with him.

Last but not least, if you know the girl and if you find her religious and understanding, don't reject just because of being older (if it's only one or two years). Needless to say, it all depends on your son and her if she is a good case.

Inshaallah this problem would be solved

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