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ArifHussainRajabali

Approaching girl for marriage - ladies opinion pls

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Salaam alaikum,

I wanted some opinions on a method of approaching a girl for marriage.

A little bit of background: I am a revert and not so much embedded into a Muslim community. I am looking to get married but finding it difficult to find someone. I am largely resorting to online Muslim matrimonial sites but not finding any luck on there either.

I have slowly started making friends with a lot of great brothers who have welcomed me. So I add them on social media and so on.

Those who are on Facebook know about the 'people you may know' feature that displays a list people to add. A few girls have come up on this - they are friends with the brothers I know so I know they are likely to belong to the local community.

My question for the ladies in this forum is what are your thoughts on being approached  and receiving a marriage proposal by some via social media?

***At this point I just want to say that I have no intention to go around messaging loads of girls with proposals because I think that is a bit silly and immoral and breaches social hijab***

I have been a Muslim for 3 and a half years and I remember a girl whom I approached via social media.

I sent her a message asking her if she is in a position where she is looking to get married and if so, is she interested in getting to know me and if so I wanted a contact detail of her parent or legal guardian to request their permission to get to know her. She rejected but was very polite and nice about it. Did not show any annoyance or offence by what I said.

I was just wondering how a lady would feel, if approached on social media from a male with respect and good etiquette with a proposal along similar lines to how I approached the lady.

Given my circumstances, I am just trying to think outside the box (but staying within the box of Islam of course :) )

Thoughts appreciated

Thanks

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Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum 

Social media hides behind a wall of how a person is in real life.

Look at any profile is always the best image of a person.  You may want to intiate contact that way, but a means to make a meeting out in the real world.

You can always put a word out to a few brothers, if they know of any good families who have daughters.  (The traditional way)

There is also a marriage project by brother @Abu Hadi (the SC way)

Your local masjid/center, participate in volunteer activities. (My friends took this route)

Marrying from overseas, and bringing her back to where you are from (many of my cousins did this)

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah 

@yasahebalzaman.313

Your take on the topic sis....

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Salaam Alaykum

I am a brother, but I want to share with you my experience.

First of all, welcome to Islam. Never look for wife online unless you talk with her parents as well, and they know about you. Best method is in person. You need to find a person who was in mosque for a long time. For example, I have an old woman who visited mosque for 30 years. People know her, and she knows families who have daughter.

One time I decided to approach one girl, not in the mosque, but I didn't know what to say. I screwed up. Now I feel sorry for what I did because she may have thought that I wanted to rape her or something because she didn't know me at all.

Get friends like that old woman that I said. Brothers who worked at mosque for a long time can help you a lot. Key thing is that you need to be friend with them first, then talk about marriage. They should know something about you.

Last but not least, you don't know when you will get married. Marriage is only one stage of your life(very important stage). Don't sacrifice on other life aspects(job, education, fun, traveling, learning skills) because of this aspect. It (marriage)will come.  Sometimes you just need to be relaxed.

 

و من الله توفیق

Edited by AmirAlmuminin Lover

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Since nowadays things changed, I don't mind for a man to approach me on social media, but it all depends on his way of approach, because for him to be able to attract me and make me interested he should have an idea about social/emotional intelligence, and i would know right away if he wants to get married or he wants to have fun, it's not necessary to state that he wants to get married, there are a lot of people who say they want serious relationships but the truth is they don't. Since I'm a convert aswell i look differently at these things. And I don't like matchmaking website, but i do like for someone to introduce me to a man or to meet someone in a spontaneous way as long as he doesn't look desperate for marriage.

In the end, Islamically, the traditional way is still the best way.

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Ws,

I wish you all the best and will make dua for you inshaAllah.

It is good that you are getting to know the brothers in the masjid, keep doing that, socialize more with them, my advice would be that you tell them all that you are looking for marriage, maybe they know someone suitable for you.

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Salam, 

I am also a revert to Islam (German / Scottish Ancestry born and raised in California from a Christian family).  I married a Sister from Lebanon and we have three kids together. 

Here are a couple of tips for you (fyi, I am not actively involved in MON Project 17 at this time, I explained in the pinned thread)

1. If you are going to marry a girl from an Arabic / Indonesian / Indian / Pakistani / Iranian background (which you most likely will since these are  95+ % of the sisters in the community that are looking to get married) be ready for the cultural differences.  Being a recent revert, you need to understand that most muslim families use their particular culture as their modus operendi when interacting with / making decision about potential husbands for their daughter. Religion plays a very small part in their decision, most of the time. This is the unfortunate reality, but it doesn't mean that it is impossible for you to marry a girl from these backgrounds, but it is not an easy or quick process. You will be rejected many times for reasons that have nothing to do with the religion, and probably nothing to do with logic either. 

2. Try to 'get an in' with the family before you pursue the girl directly. Approaching the girl directly is seen as extremely bad manners in most communities. You need to build a relationship with the male members of the family first. Once you have their trust / confidence and they have seen how you act and that you pray, do the wajibat, are not lazy, a criminal, etc, then you can approach the subject of marriage. To a Westerner from a non muslim background I know this seems like a weird, tedious process but it is the only way for you to have a realistic chance in most situations. The girls who will consent to you approaching them 'behind their parent's backs' are probably not the ones you want to marry. There are exceptions to this, i.e. there are some girls whose parents are really tyrannical / unrealistic about potential suitors, but this is not the general rule. 

3. Once you decide on a family / community you think you have a good chance of marrying into, try to meet them half way, culturally. Try to learn the customs and some (at least) of the language, particularly the greetings and niceties, this will help you alot with connecting with parents / relatives of the girl. I cannot emphasize this point enough. If you are unwilling to change / adapt culturally in the neutral areas (the areas that do not contradict the religion), then you are better off just finding an American / European lady who is also a revert (good luck finding one, they usually are 'off the market' in the blink of an eye, especially if they are young and / or attractive). 

4. If you get 'bad signals' or 'bad vibes', aka a 'gut' feeling regarding a potential spouse, pay attention to it. This may save you alot of heartache and hardship in the long run. 

5. Be patient. Get ready for a period of extended bachelorhood while you are looking for a spouse. You could get extremely lucky and meet an 'A+' on the first try, but this is very rare, and especially rare for a revert. Most muslim guys look outside their own community but end up going back to their ethnic / cultural community in the end as a fall back (and most of the time this is what ends up happening) because it is very difficult for anyone to establish a trust relationship with a family outside their own cultural community. You don't have a 'fall back' option, realistically, so you need to be patient and no matter what never give up and keep trying and Allah(s.w.a) will help you and you will succeed in the end (iA).

Your success will be quicker if you do two things

(This applies to every muslim/a , man or women, who is looking to get married and this is my best advice narrowed down into two points. ). 

1) Trust in Allah(s.w.a) and always Trust in Allah(s.w.a) and have a good opinion of Allah(s.w.a) and seek assistance thru the agency of Imam of Ahl Al Bayt(a.s). One of my favorite hadith, narrated by almost all of the Imams(a.s) is 'A servant of Allah(s.w.a) will never know true success unless he /she is satisfied with what Allah(s.w.a) has done with him / her' 

In other words, whatever happens to you along the way, whether it is good or bad, whether it makes you comfortable or uncomfortable, always say 'Alhamduillah, I am pleased with this and I know this happened because Allah(s.w.a) will bring about good for me thru this'. If you get in the habit of doing this, there is no person or misfortune on this earth or in the heavens that will stop you from being successful, both in this life and the hereafter. 

2) Be active in your local muslim community. Get involved in the masjid or different organizations. Go out and meet and interact with other muslims and other families so that they get to know your face and your presence, then they will be comfortable with you and doors will start to open up. 

Regarding Social Media, it is fine as an initial contact, but if you and her are serious about moving the relationship forward toward marriage, be ready to involve her family early in the process. 

Salam. 

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Great post brother Hadi. You made some very valuable points that inshaAllah the brother will find benefit in.

However, this point:

9 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

and probably nothing to do with logic either. 

Being a second generation immigrant, sometimes it's hard even for me to understand the cultural mores of "back home" and a lot of looks illogical from a Western perspective. However, I would like to disagree as I've found more and more that there is a kind of internal logic in which it makes sense. You have to understand the starting premises and circumstances of the other culture's logic and then the parents decisions, although often tyrannical and even haraam, sometimes makes sense from their own point of view. The "back-home logic" also often fails to apply in the West, which many immigrant families learn the hard way after their daughters fail to find a husband, or a horrible marriage ensues, etc.

In other words, they are not being illogical per se, they are operating on different assumptions and premises. I wish I could give some examples, but it's hard for me to think of any unless a concrete situation is given. All I'm saying is if you spend an appreciable amount of time living in the other culture, you start to understand why they do things the way they do, given a whole bunch of other things.

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On 12/7/2017 at 4:25 AM, Ayuoobi said:

Great post brother Hadi. You made some very valuable points that inshaAllah the brother will find benefit in.

However, this point:

Being a second generation immigrant, sometimes it's hard even for me to understand the cultural mores of "back home" and a lot of looks illogical from a Western perspective. However, I would like to disagree as I've found more and more that there is a kind of internal logic in which it makes sense. You have to understand the starting premises and circumstances of the other culture's logic and then the parents decisions, although often tyrannical and even haraam, sometimes makes sense from their own point of view. The "back-home logic" also often fails to apply in the West, which many immigrant families learn the hard way after their daughters fail to find a husband, or a horrible marriage ensues, etc.

In other words, they are not being illogical per se, they are operating on different assumptions and premises. I wish I could give some examples, but it's hard for me to think of any unless a concrete situation is given. All I'm saying is if you spend an appreciable amount of time living in the other culture, you start to understand why they do things the way they do, given a whole bunch of other things.

I understand that they are doing it for a reason. Since I became Muslim, about 20 years ago, I have spent much more time around Arabs, Indians, and Pakistanis than I have around Caucasian (White) Americans, i.e. my cultural background. I became Muslim when I was 20. In fact, since this year I have spent more of my life as a muslim than I did as a Christian. So I think I have had enough exposure to other cultures to be able to give my above observation with confidence. 

At least in the US where I live, most Muslims are faithful, i.e. they do the wajib and avoid haram as much as they can, strive to educate themselves and their children, and in general have good morals and values that surpass (in most cases) those of their non muslim peers and neighbors. But when it comes to certain issues, all of that is 'thrown out the window' and they regress (in general) into a state that is not Islam, it is something else, I don't know what exactly. 

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7 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

 So I think I have had enough exposure to other cultures to be able to give my above observation with confidence. 

At least in the US where I live,

No, you have to go to the actual country of origin. Like if you live in Lebanon or Iraq or whatever for an appreciable amount of time, learn the language, etc. then you start to understand a lot of the things that seem illogical initially but have their own reasons in that context. The US does not work because it's a different cultural context in which "back home" notions are being imported out of context (which is why it looks illogical.)

I'm not saying that you or I would agree with it, and it may indeed be against Islam in some cases, but what I'm saying is that when you write a whole group of people off as illogical you miss the actual reasons they act the way they act. It is seldom as baseless as it might initially seem.

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You knoq what I am going to write.

Show her and her parents your bank account. This implies what are your chances of success in this world. The higher the chances of  them showing of their new toy to their fellow human beings, the higher your chance of being picked. Love never existed and it does not exist. It is a fallacious crime to claim it does, what exists is pleasure and that is derived from what makes one happy. Now, do not be disheartened, all it means, one needs to understand the human, to be able to play them. As detailed by ABU HADIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Although good intention are highly honourable.

It is the same with men, they look for the hot girl, as one of their achievements.

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On 12/8/2017 at 3:44 PM, monad said:

You knoq what I am going to write.

Show her and her parents your bank account. This implies what are your chances of success in this world. The higher the chances of  them showing of their new toy to their fellow human beings, the higher your chance of being picked. Love never existed and it does not exist. It is a fallacious crime to claim it does, what exists is pleasure and that is derived from what makes one happy. Now, do not be disheartened, all it means, one needs to understand the human, to be able to play them. As detailed by ABU HADIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Although good intention are highly honourable.

It is the same with men, they look for the hot girl, as one of their achievements.

Very blunt but fact... I do agree 

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Asalamu Alaikum,

I would say if u willing to approach anyone on social media sites, then better contact through mutual friends, know more about her n family or try knowing her more from her only. Talk abt islam and understand what’ kind of person she is looking for as a partner. And tell her what are you looking for in your partner. Ask if her parents would allow to marry her to a reverted man or no.

i am saying all this because even m reverted and I din enquired so much , later it was a big problem for me. On social site I use to chat with one shia boy and then after knowing each other he approached me and I tried knowing him how he is and also does he himself follow Islam or no. But gradually after spending more time I realised he was not wat he showed initially.

so please before taking any decision like that try knowing more then involve urself.

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Pray Allah to make ease for you inshallah u would get someone pious girl who would support you.

For people who are reverts is bit difficult for them to get partner as we belong to different community and religion and there is no one to think about you. 

Many Muslims feel good and welcome us as we are reverted but nobody allows there daughter or son to marry reverts.. which I found very weird and strange.

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On 10/12/2017 at 8:08 PM, Zainabzehra said:

Asalamu Alaikum,

I would say if u willing to approach anyone on social media sites, then better contact through mutual friends, know more about her n family or try knowing her more from her only. Talk abt islam and understand what’ kind of person she is looking for as a partner. And tell her what are you looking for in your partner. Ask if her parents would allow to marry her to a reverted man or no.

i am saying all this because even m reverted and I din enquired so much , later it was a big problem for me. On social site I use to chat with one shia boy and then after knowing each other he approached me and I tried knowing him how he is and also does he himself follow Islam or no. But gradually after spending more time I realised he was not wat he showed initially.

so please before taking any decision like that try knowing more then involve urself.

Salaam Zainab, thank you for your comments, I appreciate it. It is important to be very careful when meeting online. 

Congrats on your conversion, I also reverted hindu to shia! 

All the best

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to be honest, i have been approached this way and i wouldnt accept, however my fiancé and i met from social media, and talked for a long time before meeting in a public place for a coffee. He than inquired about meeting my family and setting up an engagement so we could spend more time together,  he suggested we have a wedding in a years time however i decided it was best to have it in three years time from the beginning of the engagement. I am in no rush to marry, and we are both very busy with our own lives we see eachother once a week, and talk always on phone and text. i suggest you approach her and get to know her on social media if that is the way you wish to take. if you come on to strong like directly bringing up marriage it can be intimidating for a woman. just take it very very slow and get to know her before asking or inquiring.

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