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Hello brothers and sisters.

I feel like I am in dire need of help. My hatred and the feeling of jealously towards my relatives and slowly now, towards others are increasing.

I have lived a lonely difficult life, where I wasn't allowed to communicate with others much. Wasn't allowed to go out much. Basically say at home alone most of the time. I watch my cousins get everything they want. I'm not jealous over this but, the fact they travel a lot. Something I've never done. I wish to go to hajj and I wish to go to Iraq especially, so I can meet my grandfather. My grandmother passed away, so I never had a chance to meet her. I had a chance to go to Iraq this year, excited to meet my grandfather. I was meant to go with my relatives, but they had secretly planned everything, excluding me out. Which made me sad, as I know they are not fans of Iraq, where as I love the beauty and the history of Iraq. Even though I've never been, I know in my heart that its a unique place. My one chance is gone, I'm afraid I've lost my chance to meet my grandfather as I heard he is sick. I can't go unless for another five years. Which breaks my heart, and now I have tried to push away these negative feelings I've had for them. But now its just, worse. I can't help but think bad thoughts. I just don't want my heart to turn dark, as I've retreated myself from communication towards others and stopped caring for everyone as I'm continuously being betrayed occasionally. I don't really have anyone a around me to teach me or help me Islamically. I'm trying hard to be patient and humble and forgiving and kind. I'm losing that side of me. But I'm so alone. I'm reading the Quran and hadith's, but I'm not sure as to what I should be reading. There are other things before that triggered all of this, but I'll end up writing a book on here. I would appreciate anything. Please and thank you. 

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2 hours ago, Abrar.moha said:

I'm afraid I've lost my chance to meet my grandfather as I heard he is sick. I can't go unless for another five years. Which breaks my heart, and now I have tried to push away these negative feelings I've had for them. But now its just, worse. I can't help but think bad thoughts.

Salam. That must have hurt a lot to find out that your relatives went to Iraq and did not take you with them. I'm sorry. Maybe you can use Skype to talk with your grandfather. There is a phone app called FaceTime. At least call and talk to him.

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Sounds like you are in a very controlled environment and it would therefore be understandable that you will be holding some resentment towards your cousins who get to do things you aren't able to. Is there any way to get out of this situation? What is keeping you there?

3 hours ago, Abrar.moha said:

I just don't want my heart to turn dark, as I've retreated myself from communication towards others and stopped caring for everyone as I'm continuously being betrayed occasionally.

This is understandable, you've been hurt by others around you so naturally you have your guard up and distance yourself from people due to your negative experiences and not being able to trust people around you. This will take time, but know that there are still good people out there and maybe try and make some friends although I appreciate this may be very difficult whilst you are still in the situation you're in. Just know, that although you feel lonely at times, our Imam (ajtfs) is the most loneliest person and thinking of him might give you some consolation. In terms of the jealousy, I heard in a lecture once that when a person feels jealous, to pray to Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى for that person/people to have more and for you to have just as much as them. 

Can you try and find an outlet like going to the gym? Find other things in the meanwhile that you may find enjoyable that might give you some pleasure in life. Try and find what you can do to try and make the most out of the situation you are in.

3 hours ago, Abrar.moha said:

I had a chance to go to Iraq this year, excited to meet my grandfather. I was meant to go with my relatives, but they had secretly planned everything, excluding me out.

I am sorry to hear this, I really hope you get to see your grandfather soon!

3 hours ago, Abrar.moha said:

There are other things before that triggered all of this

You might want to think about whether you may need some therapy to deal any past issues because that may be magnifying your current problems.

3 hours ago, Abrar.moha said:

I'm reading the Quran and hadith's, but I'm not sure as to what I should be reading

Keep up with your wajibats, try not to miss any salah. Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى loves us so much, what love you have inside you, channel it towards him knowing that he would never let you down and he is the most merciful of the merciful.

3 hours ago, Abrar.moha said:

I'm trying hard to be patient and humble and forgiving and kind

Thats amazing, there are some really beautiful duas on duas.org that help in changing your situation, the following link contains a short and powerful dua:

http://www.duas.org/short_powerful_dua/nemul.htm

There are many other duas on  http://www.duas.org/  too. Inshallah your situation changes soon, but if not then know that there is ease after hardships.

 “Verily, with hardship there is relief” (Qur’an 94:6)

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