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ZaraSalman

Muslim girl wants to move out

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Asalamualaikum,

im a Muslim girl born in Australia. I’m 17 and will be turning 18 soon. I have less than over a year left of high school and I will hopefully move to university. The closest university is 7 hours from where I live and I’m really excited about moving away from my family because they’re really strict, and my dad is abusive and really suspicious and panariod. My parents are so strict I’m not allowed to smile in public because that’s considered haram! Now, they’re saying that they will sell everything and move with me because it’s not right for a Muslim girl to move out of her parents house, but they’re fine if my brother moves out because this shows "he’s becoming a man." I really want to gain my independence but they won’t let me. I can’t do anything. I can’t even dye my hair -even though I wear a hijab- until I get married. Literally everything I ask, they say "until you get married." But I don’t want to be trapped under my dad's control, then a husband's control all my life. I want to break free. I’m religious and would NEVER even consider relationships or doing anything wrong. I just want some space away from the constant abuse and to breathe for a little while. 

I want to move out after a year without my parents following me. How do I get them to agree? Is there any rulings that could support me in making them agree? Should I just go live in an accommodation with a few other girls and ignore my parents even if they move with me?

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Ws sis,

Its unfortunate that this is a common problem within our community. (OK for boy, haram for girl.) I get that your parents are concerned and worried about you leaving, but is there some way you can try to get through to them? You mentioned your father as being quite vocal and strict, but how about your mum? Or any other member of family/friend that can try talk and get through to him? 

I don't know how serious your family would be to be uprooting their whole lives and live somewhere where they know nobody just so that they could be close to you. I can imagine it being infuriating and unreasonable, but try look at it through their middle eastern eyes, lol. Having a girl move out of the house without being married is an uncommon practice in that generation- and you need to accept that. Instead of answering to their disagreements in rage, try and answer calmly and reasonably whenever this topic of discussion comes up. 

Ask your family how much they trust you. This is ultimately, a test of trust. They're scared you'll move and become influenced. Question them about your deen. Talk to them about your hijab, how you don't miss prayers, and other examples of you being a good muslim. Remind them thats its only for a few years and you'll be back.

Also try think of compromises. Tell your dad you will call every night so he can make sure you're at home. Tell them you'll visit every other weekend. Try find an all girl (preferably an all Muslim!) accommodation. This may sound like hard work but ultimately could be worth it. And over time, they will trust in you more. 

Hope some of this helps and it works out well for you inshallah!

(Sidenote: I hope you, and all girls will never have a controlling, stubborn husband, ameen!!)

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Salaam Alaykum

When I was back home, I thought my dad is abusive. He made me cry at 2 am by creating a family fight. That time I was 7 years old. A 7 years old boy was crying at 2 am. A 7 years old was in the middle of family problem with a HUGE amount of stress.

Now I gained the freedom that you are seeking. Now after living seven years away from my dad, I just want to see my same dad and kiss his feet and hands for his effort on raising me. He never let me grow up on street, he supported me financially. I'm grateful for that.

I wish I could squeeze his hands one more time. When I have stress and pressure, I need my dad support.

To the OP: you're dad is a good man. One time with all of those restrictions that you have, just sit down and have a tee and biscuits with him and enjoy.

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This suggestion really depends on how likely you will get a broken jaw.

You can do mutah with a no-sex arrangement. [And with the change in Australian law, say you will do it with a girl if necessary --suggested as scare-tactic.]

Now, a similar situation was/is near me. The oldest is constantly abused by her father (he is on medication). Here is one  small  example: After she graduated college -and she lived ate home while attending- she got into medical school where she then lived about 200 miles away. Once when she was home, her father got hold of her smart phone and started calling everyone on her contact list to ask about any sexual activity, drinking and so forth. The list included her advisor.

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Amir -  Your posts are generally way to emotional for me, I cried rivers of hubris. You mean well, but your sensitive nature is not suited to give rational advice. although you could sway a whole crowd like a rhapsodist .

Your point, yes, all people when they age feel this way, why, because their hormones have simmered down, life is more realistic, goals are different, and parents too, in most cases have calmed down, that one can actually converse with them like adults.

"Father or Mother, I'd rather not do this or this is incorrect because X,Y,Z - Son/daughter, okay this does make sense, but my opinion differs, but do as you wish in this matter." And this conversation was about how to spread butter/jam on my face.

To the OP, parents need education, they aren't interested in their daughters well being through Islam, it is more of how society will perceive them thus they are biased towards Islamic injunctions. If they claim that they want to sell everything and move with you, this is either psychotic behavior or a bluff. Tell them , they can either sell it and do as they planned, the consequence would be, that you would still come home late due to working late in the libraries. Many subjects require long hours and less sleep. How will they react if you are in the library until midnight or early morning revising or finishing of a project?. Will they come and sit with you inside.

I doubt there are any rulings for you in this matter, you just need to persuade them emotionally and with reason, plus making sure you get good grades without breaking their trust.

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