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lolo0019

a possesive partner/ sunni shia marriage issue

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Assalamaleikum 

So im actually dealing with two huge problems which is very difficult for me to solve! i need your advices guys! Bear with me it is not a short one! and please dont judge me:)! 

1) : I (shia girl) have been dating this guy ( sunni muslim) for almost 1 and a half year (we met at our college). to start with i know it is haram and not really acceptable in islam to date but since i met him i felt like he is the one and we wanted to take our relation further. we talked about that he should come and ask for my hand. we were both agreeing in that one since we thought thats the best thing to do as we both are muslims and should do it in a halal way. Later when i got to know him much better, i felt like he is getting a bit overprotective and started to control me whenever i was out with my girl-friends or if i went to parties with my family and friends. He wouldn't really let me go out with my friends sometimes and if i were then suddenly he would show up!
He sometimes checked my phone, checked my messages and Instagram snapchat etc!, and were telling me with whom i can talk to or with whom i can hang around with. And whenever i was at home replying his messages a bit late he would get angry or upset at me, and he knew that my family would b around thats why i couldn't reply to his calls and messages at time!.
and then i told him that i want to study nursery and that was also a thing that was bothering him so he told me not to study it. And choose something else. But i disagreed cause thats my dream and thats what i want to do. Later on i tried to convince him which took me over a week ( he actually said if i choose nursery then he would leave me) and then he finally agreed that i could study nursery! 
after 6-7 months i didn't see any change in him. He kept doing all those things again and again i actually deleted some of my good friends because of him,  which are small things i know. And when he told me to delete them etc it didn't bother me because i knew i loved him and i did what he told me to do. And sometimes when he didn't allow me to go out with friends or bday parties i would listen to him and just sit at home. 
all these things that i had to do for him and the pressure and controlling thing he did with me were beyond my limits, i felt like i was not happy and was forced to do things which i wasn't happy to do. I couldn't really be myself when i was with him, so sometimes i did hide things which i didn't want to tell or show him because i knew he wouldn't understand. and since i come from a family where i have my own freedom and limits/boundaries/rules that my parents had sat for me i was happy with that and my parents would never force me to do something i won't. And of course because they TRUST me no matter what. 
almost 9-10 months passed and i felt sad inside, upset, disappointed, weak, unhappy, guilty ( which he made me feel sometimes) i felt like i did a huge mistake by trusting in him and be with him behind my parents's back. I was thinking with myself is he really the one? can i be happy with him? will HE be happy with me? so i decided to talk to him tell him everything what i felt and my thoughts. SO I finally  decided to break up with him cause i felt helpless, hopeless, tired and not happy and couldn't continue being with him! Then he started crying, came to my house every time with red roses tried to convince me to give him another chance. He was shedding tears every time he came to my door,  So i started to feel so bad for him and for us! i said maybe im wrong i felt guilty somehow to see him crying and so helpless! so i gave him another chance i gave US another chance because i did still love him. He said then he will come to ask for my hand so that we could get engaged. And that was also a thing which made me feel like getting engaged with him will maybe solve our problems somehow! 

Before asking for my hand i told my dad about him told him everything the truth! no lies! my father looked at me and where really upset that why did i even date this guy such a long time and especially when he is a SUNNI MUSLIM! my dad were against it and told me to break our relation and not even think about it for a second! He said there a so many differences between a sunni and shia, and that our differences will come in our way some day when we get married it will be a huge problem. I told my bf everything and he said it doesn't matter that won't stop him to come and talk with my father. 
So he actually came and talked with my father. Tried to convince him by saying that he loves me and we know each other for a long time now and he will keep me happy etc etc, but since his family doesn't live here in the same country he came alone to ask for my hand. 
My dad literally threw him out without even yelling or anything. He told him that we have been doing a huge sin for dating such a long time, and the second thing is that he is a sunni muslim. These two things stood in our way otherwise my dad would accept him no matter what. 

After that i tried to talk with my father about all this and told him these things aren't that much important for me because i see goodness in him ( even tho is a possessive and wants to control) and he is a really nice guy, he respects the elder, he has good manners and helps his family when they are in need ( money problem) and he does work, he studies.. and he loves me alot since he also came to talk with my father. Means that he is serious about us!?

but when i couldn't convince my father i lost hopes and actually saw a point in his speech about the sunni-shia thing. So i told my bf that maybe its better if we just break up. My father he won't accept him and the other thing which i had on ma mind was the way he is being so possessive and overprotective can i really be happy with him? and what about our children in the future.. what will they follow my belief or his? Will i commit a huge sin if my children chooses to follow his path ?
Still he didn't give up, but i already gave up everything. I was so damn confused and lost that i didn't want to go back to him. He was kinda suffering and got sick for a few months because i didn't talk to him and started to ignore him. But now i feel soo bad and guilty i never really wanted to hurt him, but i somehow had to give up i had no other choice. 

i really love him and i know he will be a good husband if he just changes a few bad habits and starts to behave manly and not childish. 
With the guiltiness i had felt and not happy for leaving him then i decided to give him another chance to see maybe it will work out between us and maybe my father will accept him even tho he is a sunni muslim. And try to look at what good qualities do he have instead of looking at him as a sunni muslim! I talked with my father few days ago i thought maybe i can convince him but he still has the same opinion and my bf still is a bit possessive about most of the things even now. Thought maybe he is changed but no..

So what should i do??? Forget my fathers decision and his advices etc and get married with him with hope that he will change his bad habits towards me and that he won't try to change my belief or force my childrens to follow his path in the future,  or should i really listen to what my father says and leave my bf for the very last time? 

Please help... i need your advices/Suggestions 
JazakAllah 

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3 hours ago, lolo0019 said:

 i know he will be a good husband if he just changes a few bad habits and starts to behave manly and not childish. 

People never change. It's wrong to expect people to change. 

3 hours ago, lolo0019 said:

should i really listen to what my father says and leave my bf for the very last time? 

Listen to your father. We girls are driven by emotions and can't see through men the way other men can(your father in case)

He is very controlling and manipulative, this isn't love. Don't confuse his controlling tendencies with being protective as we women tend to do. People who love you trust you, support you and don't put you through emotional roller coasters.

Leave him. Trust me you won't regret it.

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1 hour ago, lolo0019 said:

My dad literally threw him out without even yelling or anything. He told him that we have been doing a huge sin for dating such a long time, and the second thing is that he is a sunni muslim.

Your father did a great thing.

You gave him the opportunity even after suffering so much and he didn't change.. remember you haven't even engaged and the guy is controlling you like a robot. You wanna spend your whole life like this?

He'd in a similar way control your kids and won't let them become a Shia or do Azadari. Bet me!

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Leave him. Controlling and possessive behavior is NOT okay. 

BTW, I'm in favor of Shia/Sunni marriages provided that both people are respectful of one another, and I'm in a relationship/engagement with a Sunni man myself. For you, it's not that he's Sunni that's the problem -- It's him. 

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Don't get married to any guy without your parent's permission ever. It's a good thing you are already having doubts. My close friend married a non-syed guy, and she was syed. For the first few years of marriage, her family boycotted her and her husband. Now her family is punishing HER for marriage while her husband has become like their son. He is punishing HER along with her family. At the time of marriage, he was giving lectures about how he could make her happy, now he keeps giving lectures about rights of parents. It's so disgusting, he is not receiving any punishment. Most men hate their wives and after few years of marriage, they become worst enemies of their wives. You will need all the support you can get when you have to deal with your husband's abuse. Don't pay attention to his crying or getting sick: crocodile tears. I am telling you, all the love is only before marriage, after marriage women only get hate from their husbands. 

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2 hours ago, lolo0019 said:

Later when i got to know him much better, i felt like he is getting a bit overprotective and started to control me whenever i was out with my girl-friends or if i went to parties with my family and friends. He wouldn't really let me go out with my friends sometimes and if i were then suddenly he would show up!

This is abnormal behavior. No mature and confident man does this. He's insecure and immature. He's a disaster waiting to happen as he grows older. 

2 hours ago, lolo0019 said:

He sometimes checked my phone, checked my messages and Instagram snapchat etc!, and were telling me with whom i can talk to or with whom i can hang around with. And whenever i was at home replying his messages a bit late he would get angry or upset at me, and he knew that my family would b around thats why i couldn't reply to his calls and messages at time!.

More of the same...see above.

2 hours ago, lolo0019 said:

and then i told him that i want to study nursery and that was also a thing that was bothering him so he told me not to study it. And choose something else. But i disagreed cause thats my dream and thats what i want to do. Later on i tried to convince him which took me over a week ( he actually said if i choose nursery then he would leave me) and then he finally agreed that i could study nursery! 

You aren't seeing the dominating pattern here? If he's like this before you're married then just imagine this 10x more after you marry him.

3 hours ago, lolo0019 said:

He kept doing all those things again and again i actually deleted some of my good friends because of him,  which are small things i know. And when he told me to delete them etc it didn't bother me because i knew i loved him and i did what he told me to do. And sometimes when he didn't allow me to go out with friends or bday parties i would listen to him and just sit at home. 

He's already controlling you in every way. What will you do if at a later time he tells you to stop seeing your parents? Because, eventually that's what he's going to do.

3 hours ago, lolo0019 said:

Then he started crying, came to my house every time with red roses tried to convince me to give him another chance. He was shedding tears every time he came to my door, 

Again, immaturity. 

3 hours ago, lolo0019 said:

my father looked at me and where really upset that why did i even date this guy such a long time and especially when he is a SUNNI MUSLIM!

As a Father of a daughter I would do the exact same thing. The exact same thing.

3 hours ago, lolo0019 said:

My dad literally threw him out without even yelling or anything. He told him that we have been doing a huge sin for dating such a long time, and the second thing is that he is a sunni muslim.

I would've done worse but I can totally understand your Father doing this. Clearly, he is the mature one in this scenario. Way more than you I would say.

3 hours ago, lolo0019 said:

After that i tried to talk with my father about all this and told him these things aren't that much important for me because i see goodness in him ( even tho is a possessive and wants to control) and he is a really nice guy, he respects the elder, he has good manners and helps his family when they are in need ( money problem) and he does work, he studies.. and he loves me alot since he also came to talk with my father.

So even after all of the dominating and controlling you that he has done, you still are naive enough to consider him for marriage? Did you totally forget how unhappy he made? After reading this I'm starting to wonder if you are even mature enough to be considering marriage. You're lacking maturity is what I'm reading from this post so far.

3 hours ago, lolo0019 said:

My father he won't accept him and the other thing which i had on ma mind was the way he is being so possessive and overprotective can i really be happy with him?

You already know the answer to that question. Don't you ?

3 hours ago, lolo0019 said:

what about our children in the future.. what will they follow my belief or his?

I can already tell you the answer to that question. They're gonna be Sunni.

3 hours ago, lolo0019 said:

i really love him and i know he will be a good husband if he just changes a few bad habits and starts to behave manly and not childish.

You're gonna really regret marrying. He's not going to make you happy. I can't understand why you can't see this already.

3 hours ago, lolo0019 said:

So what should i do???

Dump him. Plain and simple.

3 hours ago, lolo0019 said:

Forget my fathers decision and his advices etc and get married with him with hope that he will change his bad habits towards me and that he won't try to change my belief or force my childrens to follow his path in the future,  or should i really listen to what my father says and leave my bf for the very last time? 

Your Father has been the only voice of reason throughout your entire post. Listen to him or suffer for the rest of your life.

My advice to you is to drop this guy. He's not the only guy in the world. Your Father is spot on correct in everything. You also seem to lack maturity and are quite naive when it comes to marriage. I pray that you wise up and realize the disaster that is staring you in the face. This has really nothing to do with Shia/Sunni and moreso with just being with the wrong guy. 

He's dominating and controlling. Those are horrible qualities to have in a spouse, leave alone a husband. He's also immature. What qualities does he really have that makes you want to marry him?

As a Father of a daughter myself this would be a worst case scenario for me. To know not only that my daughter wants to marry a Sunni, but also a loser like that would probably drive me to an early grave. I would never accept a Sunni as Son in Law fully but to compound it with someone with such bad qualities in him would be a fate worse that death. 

Leave him and inshallah you will find your soulmate. Its not this guy, that's for certain.

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2 hours ago, starlight said:

People never change. It's wrong to expect people to change. 

I did change I was very possessive person, but after marriage I did change. May be I was very young that time but I did change tho. 

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58 minutes ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

I did change I was very possessive person, but after marriage I did change. May be I was very young that time but I did change tho. 

99.999% of men (and woman) will not change after marriage. This kind of thinking is what gets woman trapped into unhappy marriages most of the time. They keep praying and wishing a guy would change and learn the error of his ways, and several years down the line, when you’ve added a few howlers, they become either too exhausted to care about their husband’s treatment and bad behavior, or they start to resent the guy and pick fights out of everyday annoyances.

You can’t turn a crap guy into a good one, and sadly, when woman realize their men won’t change, they’ll blame themselves for their behavior. They don’t realize he was always this way, and it has nothing to do with them. Same as you not being able to turn a bad woman into a housewife (paraphrasing here.) 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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5 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

99.999% of men (and woman) will not change after marriage. This kind of thinking is what gets woman trapped into unhappy marriages most of the time. They keep praying and wishing a guy would change and learn the error of his ways, and several years down the line, when you’ve added a few howlers, they become either too exhausted to care about their husband’s treatment and bad behavior, or they start to resent the guy and pick fights out of everyday annoyances.

You can’t turn a crap guy into a good one, and sadly, when woman realize their men won’t change, they’ll blame themselves for their behavior. They don’t realize he was always this way, and it has nothing to do with them. Same as you not being able to turn a bad woman into a housewife (paraphrasing here.) 

I am not saying that she should marry him. 

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I recommend you to find a spouse who together can strive in way of Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى and become obedience to Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى, so it can save you, your spouse and your children's and that you will receive Mercy from Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى to protect and guide you in all matters and bring your whole family to Paradise. 

The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those - Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise. Quran 9:71

Shaytan have appeared in beautiful form, trying to make you follow your desires and choose wrong decisions that can lead you to bad marriage and destruction. Choose always what Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى wants, then He سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى shall give you want you want.

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38 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Same as you not being able to turn a bad woman into a housewife (paraphrasing here.) 

What do you mean by this? Housewives are good women and all other women are bad? 

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God must really love you.

The man is clearly, as others have pointed it out more accurate than i could, is not willing to change, he showed, he revealed his interior too soon, and you're lucky to have seen the ugly side.

But thats not why, you ought to stay away, its because you were commited to make changes and that you did, yet he grew more suspicious, some women dont even allow for their men to look at their phone screen, yet you proving to him you had nothing to hide, only so he would grow more suspicious, that to me is someone who is insecure. which 99 if not 100% of the time will split the familj apart, leading to a divorce or a very depressing life of unhappiness.

Some men are more clever than others, they hide their ugliness in a very ulterior manner.

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Salaam sister

You seem likely a lovely person... almost too kind. 

Please do not ruin your life. Listen to your dad.

You only dated this guy and he emotionally abused you. He plays mind games with you. Cut him out of your life.

Respect yourself. Value yourself. Daughters are a blessing.  Don' let the loser ex boyfriend ruin your life.

You seem open to getting married. Perhaps discuss with your parents. They can facilitate spousal selection.

Take care 

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7 hours ago, starlight said:

People never change. It's wrong to expect people to change. 

Listen to your father. We girls are driven by emotions and can't see through men the way other men can(your father in case)

He is very controlling and manipulative, this isn't love. Don't confuse his controlling tendencies with being protective as we women tend to do. People who love you trust you, support you and don't put you through emotional roller coasters.

Leave him. Trust me you won't regret it.

yes thats what i thought in the first place, i guess i was wrong?! ....
it really hurts...

and he keeps reminding me what i have done in the past we all are humans and tend to make mistakes even tho it wasn't major ones! and he is kinda "threaten" me if i dont do what he says he will leave me. i really did what i could for him and loved him purely but still the only thing i get to hear from him is - you never really did anything for me im not important for u at all, you played with my feelings" 
He never really think what he himself has done, putted me in situations where i felt so guilty and bad with myself and made himself the victim only! :'(

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6 hours ago, Sirius_Bright said:

Your father did a great thing.

You gave him the opportunity even after suffering so much and he didn't change.. remember you haven't even engaged and the guy is controlling you like a robot. You wanna spend your whole life like this?

He'd in a similar way control your kids and won't let them become a Shia or do Azadari. Bet me!

no i dont want a life like that! but still i kept thinking and said to myself that everything will be alright he will change, i had so much hope! thats why i gave it another shot! 

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5 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

BTW, don't get married to a man hoping he will change, because he won't. 

i was ready to change myself give him my everything but in return i didn't get anything..if i can why won't he? 

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4 hours ago, Akbar673 said:

This is abnormal behavior. No mature and confident man does this. He's insecure and immature. He's a disaster waiting to happen as he grows older. 

More of the same...see above.

You aren't seeing the dominating pattern here? If he's like this before you're married then just imagine this 10x more after you marry him.

He's already controlling you in every way. What will you do if at a later time he tells you to stop seeing your parents? Because, eventually that's what he's going to do.

Again, immaturity. 

As a Father of a daughter I would do the exact same thing. The exact same thing.

I would've done worse but I can totally understand your Father doing this. Clearly, he is the mature one in this scenario. Way more than you I would say.

So even after all of the dominating and controlling you that he has done, you still are naive enough to consider him for marriage? Did you totally forget how unhappy he made? After reading this I'm starting to wonder if you are even mature enough to be considering marriage. You're lacking maturity is what I'm reading from this post so far.

You already know the answer to that question. Don't you ?

I can already tell you the answer to that question. They're gonna be Sunni.

You're gonna really regret marrying. He's not going to make you happy. I can't understand why you can't see this already.

Dump him. Plain and simple.

Your Father has been the only voice of reason throughout your entire post. Listen to him or suffer for the rest of your life.

My advice to you is to drop this guy. He's not the only guy in the world. Your Father is spot on correct in everything. You also seem to lack maturity and are quite naive when it comes to marriage. I pray that you wise up and realize the disaster that is staring you in the face. This has really nothing to do with Shia/Sunni and moreso with just being with the wrong guy. 

He's dominating and controlling. Those are horrible qualities to have in a spouse, leave alone a husband. He's also immature. What qualities does he really have that makes you want to marry him?

As a Father of a daughter myself this would be a worst case scenario for me. To know not only that my daughter wants to marry a Sunni, but also a loser like that would probably drive me to an early grave. I would never accept a Sunni as Son in Law fully but to compound it with someone with such bad qualities in him would be a fate worse that death. 

Leave him and inshallah you will find your soulmate. Its not this guy, that's for certain.

see i got your point,, but the thing is, my reputation is on stake. most of the people here in my city already know me and him has dated for a long time they have seen us together and on the other side my mother keeps telling me to get married to him soon as possible cause people will otherwise look down on us will talk behind our back. I dont want to hurt my parents' feelings and ruin their reputation u know..! and most of the muslims especially the people who come from the same country as me are like this only - interfering in other peoples lives! 

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3 hours ago, Dhulfikar said:

I recommend you to find a spouse who together can strive in way of Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى and become obedience to Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى, so it can save you, your spouse and your children's and that you will receive Mercy from Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى to protect and guide you in all matters and bring your whole family to Paradise. 

The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those - Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise. Quran 9:71

Shaytan have appeared in beautiful form, trying to make you follow your desires and choose wrong decisions that can lead you to bad marriage and destruction. Choose always what Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى wants, then He سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى shall give you want you want.

he is a religious guy i mean he prays, reads quran... he isn't someone who wants me to go astray.. but the only problem is he is being too possessive and very strict which i can't bear! 

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God must really love you.

The man is clearly, as others have pointed it out more accurate than i could, is not willing to change, he showed, he revealed his interior too soon, and you're lucky to have seen the ugly side.

But thats not why, you ought to stay away, its because you were commited to make changes and that you did, yet he grew more suspicious, some women dont even allow for their men to look at their phone screen, yet you proving to him you had nothing to hide, only so he would grow more suspicious, that to me is someone who is insecure. which 99 if not 100% of the time will split the familj apart, leading to a divorce or a very depressing life of unhappiness.

Some men are more clever than others, they hide their ugliness in a very ulterior manner.

JazakAllah for our respond!

- Actually i did also check his phone i thought to myself if he keeps checking on me, being so insecure then i should do that to and lets see if he hides something from me! cause that wasn't fair when i allowed him to check my phone every time, then why am i not allowed? so i did once... and i did see he was texting with other girls and his ex gf had texted him and they had a loooong conversation. the only thing i did gave his phone back and said nothing! Then after that he deleted the messages blocked his ex etc! 

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2 minutes ago, starlight said:

Why are you worried about what people will say when your father isn't? 

because it is hurting my parents especially my mother since she knows those people ( including her female friends). they sometimes tend to ask her several times when im getting married to him!

 And she is also disappointed in me..she thinks it is my fault, and im the "bad" one who breaks up all the time! but the truth is im not.. and if i do break up with him then i have a solid reason to do so! 

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10 minutes ago, lolo0019 said:

see i got your point,, but the thing is, my reputation is on stake. most of the people here in my city already know me and him has dated for a long time they have seen us together and on the other side my mother keeps telling me to get married to him soon as possible cause people will otherwise look down on us will talk behind our back. I dont want to hurt my parents' feelings and ruin their reputation u know..! and most of the muslims especially the people who come from the same country as me are like this only - interfering in other peoples lives! 

Well, you’ve baked your cake but you don’t have to eat it. You don’t have to compound your mistake by marrying an idiot.

The City you live in is not the entire world. Reputations can be rebuilt. However, lives can not be re-lived. I feel comfortable in saying to you that this guy and the behavior he is already showing will not bring you happiness if you marry him.

Your Mother is willing to sacrifice your happiness simply for the basis of public reputation? Where’s the logic in that? Listen to your Father in this scenario and not your Mother is my advice.

Leave that guy behind and if people ask then just tell them the truth about the situation. In the end the truth always wins out.

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