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Guest TheOleSwitcheroo

Don't focus on Hijab for spouse selection?

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Guest TheOleSwitcheroo

So I hear this argument a lot as a guy searching for a practicing Shia spouse:

"Oh don't be so strict on the hijab, she can always wear it after." or here's a better one:

"What? You don't think you have enough faith to bring her closer to Islam." (paraphrasing) and of course my favorite:

"Oh well just because this girl does Hijab now doesn't mean she'll do it forever. She might wear the hijab but wear tight jeans and do lots of make up." (I call this the hijabi fashionista argument which is valid to a point).

So my question is: am I crazy to have something as simple, basic and WAJIB (key here) as hijab as one of my requirements for marriage? I mean if I'm looking for a practicing Muslim (isn't that by definition someone who does Hijab)? I feel if you have enough sense to wear Hijab you must have some sense about the basics of Islam. You may not be necessarily be religious but at least there is a visible potential there (and yes I know the whole "don't judge a book by a cover" but I think it applies here).

I mean at the end of the day if Hijab doesn't matter, let me just go and find the most attractive looking girl and "charm her" into wearing hijab (sarcasm).

I'm going insane.

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If you don't wear hijab knowing it is wajib then that is fisq. It is a major sin. And Allah curses the fasiqs. Would anyone marry an adulterer? A known liar? A known slanderer? Someone who doesn't pray? Someone who doesn't fast? No, you wouldn't (atleast I hope you wouldn't). But the fact is not observing hijab is also a major sin, like the sins I mentioned above are.

All this "heart and character" talk is secondary to the observation of Allah's commands.

This is the type of woman a man should marry:

381. Man should give importance to the qualities of the woman he would like to marry. He should not marry except a woman who is chaste, honourable, of good lineage, and righteous. She should be a source of help to him in the affairs of this world and the hereafter.

https://www.al-islam.org/a-code-of-practice-for-muslims-in-the-west-ayatullah-sistani/marriage

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4 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Hijab is not a reflection of one’s akhlaq or character or even if practicing status

The same arguments can be applied to namaz too. There are many people who pray namaz yet are bad in akhlaq and morals. Just because someone practicing a wajib act has other flaws in him/her doesn't lessen the importance of that act. 

Hijab is wajib.Nothing that Allah made wajib should be considered a triviality. 

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Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum Brother TOS,

Alhamd'Allah brother you have a good head on your shoulders.  I advise you to read what Rasoul Allah said and Ahulbayt say about spouse selection, especially picking a wife.

Don't listen to your friends or what is popular.  Let your compass be Islam, and you won't be disappointed.

Hasb neeyatakoum tirzakoun

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah 

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Moderator note: Off topic posts removed. If anyone feels that I've missed any off topic posts, PM me with direct link to the post in question. Thanks.

Edited by notme
Note

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On 11/14/2017 at 12:24 AM, Guest TheOleSwitcheroo said:

So I hear this argument a lot as a guy searching for a practicing Shia spouse:

"Oh don't be so strict on the hijab, she can always wear it after." or here's a better one:

I have never heard this. What world are you living in? Hope its not your own imagination.

"What? You don't think you have enough faith to bring her closer to Islam." (paraphrasing) and of course my favorite:


Never Heard this one either. But it does make sense. You must be lacking in something to derive an outcome.


"Oh well just because this girl does Hijab now doesn't mean she'll do it forever. She might wear the hijab but wear tight jeans and do lots of make up." (I call this the hijabi fashionista argument which is valid to a point).

Many cases as such, thus this opinion is irrelevant. Do you have a beard and wear respectable attire?. How would you know girls wear tight jeans? unless you have been looking. Naughty boy. This just tells us, you are in your early 20's.


So my question is: am I crazy to have something as simple, basic and WAJIB (key here) as hijab as one of my requirements for marriage? I mean if I'm looking for a practicing Muslim (isn't that by definition someone who does Hijab)? I feel if you have enough sense to wear Hijab you must have some sense about the basics of Islam. You may not be necessarily be religious but at least there is a visible potential there (and yes I know the whole "don't judge a book by a cover" but I think it applies here).

How many real women have you met to be possible candidates?. If you want a hijab wearing female, then you could go abroad and get one from one the muslim countries. Ask your local Shake and Bake. I know people who married from EU, Africa, into NA, CAN, to hijabis. Your exposure level is very low or in the wrong areas. It is Not the womens fault, because at the end of the day, they will find what they want and you must too, Unless this rant is a mythical illusion in your mind, hoping this will encourage non-hijabis to start wearing it, to become more viable to guys like you.


I mean at the end of the day if Hijab doesn't matter, let me just go and find the most attractive looking girl and "charm her" into wearing hijab (sarcasm).

I doubt you can, but you can prove me wrong.

I'm going insane.

Because you cannot find your hot super model hijabi?

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16 hours ago, Guest TheOleSwitcheroo said:

Lol you're funny. In North America at least my experience (obviously anecdotal) has been: For every 1 girl that does Hijab, there are 99 who probably don't even know what Hijab means. Don't even ask them what Taqleed means.

Lol somehow I imagine you approaching random north american girls (not Shia or even Muslims) and asking them what on earth is taqlid. Ahahaha.

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On 14/11/2017 at 9:08 PM, Islandsandmirrors said:

Ok so I got thumbed down because I stated something that many woman struggle with wearing. Why thumb me down for it? It’s harder when you live in the west, and instead of focusing on petty details, one should focus on the person’s akhlaq and character. 

Wearing hijab doesn’t mean that someone is good or pious or even practicing. 

Agree!

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Salaam Alaykum

I am still single and looking for a pious wife with Akhlaq, but I never sacrifice on Hijab. If my wife hasn't worn hijab in her life before, that's fine, but when she wants to live with me, I expect her to do that. Of course, I encourage her and support her unlimitedly in this matter. IT'S THE WORST MOMENT OF MY LIFE IF A PERVERT AT STREET LOOK AT MY WIFE BODY. DEFINITELY, I DON'T WANT TO BE ALIVE AFTER THAT. 

Let me give you an example. I know a Muslim student who's wife doesn't wear Hijab and wear makeup. I saw that in a gathering, one guy stared at his wife and he didn't do anything. God knows how much it would make me angry if she was my wife. When I used to go out with my mother(My mother wears chador in Iran), I always watched her and people around to protect her from pervert people. One time at dinner time I wanted to use bathroom. My uncle sat next to me on my left and my mum on my right. Next to my mum was my uncle's wife. When I wanted to go to bathroom, I asked my uncle's wife to come and sit on my spot. I didn't want my mum to sit next to my non-mahram uncle. Women need to understand that men do these for protection because they have responsibility and they will be asked afterlife about these. Please don't say we have to train men. Do your duties and men should do their duties as well. Don't say I am free on not wearing Hijab and the other part should do their duties. It's wrong. When men see a woman in makeup without Hijab, they feel aroused dramatically or slightly.

But one word with my brother who asked this question, Mashaallah on your religious expectations, but don't rely on Hijab only. I personally saw a convert who wears Hijab and she is a monster. I also saw a non-hijabi girl who is monster. Nothing is certain. توکل علی الله and choose wisely.

 

Edited by AmirAlmuminin Lover

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Guest TKR

Look I agree with you on everything up to this point (I am not debating hijab here) but When you say 

8 hours ago, AmirAlmuminin Lover said:

IT'S THE WORST MOMENT OF MY LIFE IF A PERVERT AT STREET LOOK AT MY WIFE BODY. DEFINITELY, I DON'T WANT TO BE ALIVE AFTER THAT. 

&&

8 hours ago, AmirAlmuminin Lover said:

God knows how much it would make me angry if she was my wife

are you exagerating to better convey your opinion or do you really feel this way ?

Lets say you are married and you find yourself in the same situation :where other men are still looking at your wife eventhough she is wearing a hijab.I think its okay if you are angry  but who are going to direct your anger to ?the other men?or your wife who is already doing her wajib?

I knew someone in my extended family who was very jealous over his wife.Every time a man glanced at her he would blow up at her.then it was a niqab.then he wouldnt let her leave the house.and finally he wouldnt let her family visit her (yes even her brothers and father).

Look, i am not saying you are alike.I dont even know you but I am sharing my experience so people can also benefit from other's mistakes and take عبرة.  I think you should find your balance and not be angered about trivial (i am not saying there not important or inconsequential or that you shouldnt feel these things ) but you should also conserve your energy and that drive and inner fire you have and use it build and create something with it.Because anger is a gateway to madness.

I have this analogy about anger:Personnally when I am angry Its feels like I put myself to the same wavelength as the shaytan suddenlly I hear him  clearer and its much easier to say and do things things that you will regret later.

Also you should have a little more faith in women and your futur wife .Because women can are also capable of defending  themselves.Rememeber our Lady Hajer who raised the prophet Ismail (AS ) on her own in the middle of the desert and managed to establish the futur town of mecca and protect herself and her son and her possesion from the most dangerous unscripulous people of that isolated place for years. And we all honor her to this day  by retracing her steps and feeling a fraction of what she went through millenias ago.

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5 hours ago, Guest TKR said:

Look I agree with you on everything up to this point (I am not debating hijab here) but When you say 

&&

are you exagerating to better convey your opinion or do you really feel this way ?

Lets say you are married and you find yourself in the same situation :where other men are still looking at your wife eventhough she is wearing a hijab.I think its okay if you are angry  but who are going to direct your anger to ?the other men?or your wife who is already doing her wajib?

I knew someone in my extended family who was very jealous over his wife.Every time a man glanced at her he would blow up at her.then it was a niqab.then he wouldnt let her leave the house.and finally he wouldnt let her family visit her (yes even her brothers and father).

Look, i am not saying you are alike.I dont even know you but I am sharing my experience so people can also benefit from other's mistakes and take عبرة.  I think you should find your balance and not be angered about trivial (i am not saying there not important or inconsequential or that you shouldnt feel these things ) but you should also conserve your energy and that drive and inner fire you have and use it build and create something with it.Because anger is a gateway to madness.

I have this analogy about anger:Personnally when I am angry Its feels like I put myself to the same wavelength as the shaytan suddenlly I hear him  clearer and its much easier to say and do things things that you will regret later.

Also you should have a little more faith in women and your futur wife .Because women can are also capable of defending  themselves.Rememeber our Lady Hajer who raised the prophet Ismail (AS ) on her own in the middle of the desert and managed to establish the futur town of mecca and protect herself and her son and her possesion from the most dangerous unscripulous people of that isolated place for years. And we all honor her to this day  by retracing her steps and feeling a fraction of what she went through millenias ago.

Thanks for your reply brother. Actually I should send an email to admin to delete that part "I don't want to be alive", but it makes me really angry.

There is one concept in religion which is called "غیرت". This word doesn't have any position in west because most of men don't have it in west (I'm not saying you). When women are concerned about their husband, it's jealousy. When men protect their wife it's غیرت.

This concept should NOT force your wife or make her uncomfortable like you mentioned in your post. As I said my mother has social activities, jib, etc. Imam Sadegh said: " Don't be over concerned over your wife(he explicitly used the word غیرت) because it makes good women uncomfortable even pervert. That balance that you said should come into this concept. In west, media advertises this thought that men are jealous as women which is not true. Allah put another feeling in men which is called غیرت. All ahlulbait had this feeling and used it wisely. This feeling makes man to protect his wife from Haram looks. If your wife talks with a person and that person looks at her face, it's fine. If he stares amorously for some time and becomes quiet, that is a problem(just like happened to that person). I will never let that happen because if I don't do anything, other people think this guy is OK with that, let's do it more. That is my protection and غیرت. Please do a research on this and see how western media tries to pretend that men are jealous.

Brother, it's very rare to see me angry. You don't know me. I definitely go and talk with the person who stares and doesn't know his limits. We need to use our anger wisely, and NOT just not using that. Your point on not getting angry on these things is not true. This is a wrong mix that you made(actually I couldn't believe you said that). You said it's trivial thing. It's NOT trivial at all. How can it be trivial to a Shia Muslim? Protection of your wife is both a duty and right, and no body can tell you why do you do that.

Edited by AmirAlmuminin Lover

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6 hours ago, Hameedeh said:

If you want your wife to wear hijab, then find someone who already wears hijab. If you force your wife to wear hijab after you get married, that is an oppression  on her which she was definitely not expecting. 

The feminist "oppression" rhetoric, uhty?  You have been in the West too long.

What is "oppressive" about doing what you are supposed do?

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