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KulluNafsin

On the verge of a divorce - Seeking advice

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Salaams,

I am from the US. Having finally had the courage to sign up here I am looking for some advice as I feel hopeless and out of any options.

I have been married for approx 5 months. The first month was decent, after that it has been downhill completely.

My wife has pretty much shut off - communication is almost non existent - seems forced. She does not want sex as she says she cant " accept me as a husband". I have explained to her that any issue we may have is completely normal and does not mean you shut me off and dont forgive me. I showed her hadith and the Quran about respecting husband and not denying sex. She does not care about this. 

I will admit i have made some mistakes but they are completely minuscule(to myself and to others i have asked) but they seem large to her.  

What do I do in this situation?

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1 hour ago, KulluNafsin said:

I am from the US.

Is your wife also?

1 hour ago, KulluNafsin said:

I have been married for approx 5 months.

How long have you known her overall ?

1 hour ago, KulluNafsin said:

The first month was decent, after that it has been downhill completely.

What happened that caused this? Has to be something.

1 hour ago, KulluNafsin said:

My wife has pretty much shut off - communication is almost non existent - seems forced.

Sounds like something very serious and traumatic took place. 

1 hour ago, KulluNafsin said:

She does not want sex as she says she cant " accept me as a husband".

Hmmm...something had to have happened for her to take this stance. Was there another woman in your past before you got married? 

1 hour ago, KulluNafsin said:

I will admit i have made some mistakes but they are completely minuscule(to myself and to others i have asked) but they seem large to her. 

and there is the gist of your entire problem. What was it that happened?

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2 hours ago, KulluNafsin said:

My wife has pretty much shut off - communication is almost non existent - seems forced. She does not want sex as she says she cant " accept me as a husband". I have explained to her that any issue we may have is completely normal and does not mean you shut me off and dont forgive me. I showed her hadith and the Quran about respecting husband and not denying sex. She does not care about this.

So what reason she give you for not having sex or not accepting you as a husband? Have you talked to her parents? I guess it was an arrange marriage. Am i right?

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I am sorry to hear of these problems and it must be very difficult for you. Divorce is a plague of our time including in very traditional and religious families. Your anxiety and sense of loneliness must be painful.

However, i suggest that you need more solitude to work out these problems. Try to take time by yourself in order to think things through and also to prevent a futile attempts to break through your wife's reserve. You both need to consider a way out, either through reconciliation or divorce. Divorce is the best option if you are truly unable to relate to each other. 

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@KulluNafsin

Salaam brother

Whatever you did to this girl has hurt her so much she doesn't want you to touch her.  

Understand this: her body belongs to her. Get that through your thick head. You clearly don't respect her. Forcing her through religion is making your relationship worse.

Try being a better human being. 

You are the problem not her 

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4 hours ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

So what reason she give you for not having sex or not accepting you as a husband? Have you talked to her parents? I guess it was an arrange marriage. Am i right?

She says a few things..

1. I went on a trip after marriage(she declined honeymoon and on going on this trip with me)

2.Not an arranged marriage

3. She was hungry one day and I ate outside.

As mentioned, i get these little issues but i didn't think they would be this massive.

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1 hour ago, Smiles786 said:

@KulluNafsin

Salaam brother

Whatever you did to this girl has hurt her so much she doesn't want you to touch her.  

Understand this: her body belongs to her. Get that through your thick head. You clearly don't respect her. Forcing her through religion is making your relationship worse.

Try being a better human being. 

You are the problem not her 

Excuse me, religion was brought up after 3 months of sexual denial. 

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3 hours ago, Smiles786 said:

@KulluNafsin

Salaam brother

Whatever you did to this girl has hurt her so much she doesn't want you to touch her.  

Understand this: her body belongs to her. Get that through your thick head. You clearly don't respect her. Forcing her through religion is making your relationship worse.

Try being a better human being. 

You are the problem not her 

Come on, easy with the condemnations, nobody here knows the details of the situation.

Im sorry to hear about your situation brother, dont have any great advice but I will pray for you both that whatever happens it will make the both of you better muslims in the end IA, thats all that matters.
@KulluNafsin

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55 minutes ago, IbnSina said:

Come on, easy with the condemnations, nobody here knows the details of the situation.

Im sorry to hear about your situation brother, dont have any great advice but I will pray for you both that whatever happens it will make the both of you better muslims in the end IA, thats all that matters.
@KulluNafsin

Seriously brother? She's upset with him and he's trying to make her have relations with him. Where is her choice in the matter? Does she not have rights to her own body? Respect this girl's rights.

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2 hours ago, KulluNafsin said:

Excuse me, religion was brought up after 3 months of sexual denial. 

Try valuing her as a human being not forcing her into relations. You need to fix your relationship with your wife. Forcing her is making your relationship worse. Go tall to your wife. You owe her an apology 

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6 minutes ago, Smiles786 said:

Seriously brother? She's upset with him and he's trying to make her have relations with him. Where is her choice in the matter? Does she not have rights to her own body? Respect this girl's rights.

I am not saying who is right and who is wrong, all I am saying is that we definitely dont know the details of the matter and as such we should reserve ourselves from harsh judgement.

Anyways, I hope their situation improves.

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Dear brother @KulluNafsin

Given the information you have shared, this is all I can suggest, take the word "divorce" out of your dictionary. Also ask her to do the same.

Yes it's tough, it's painful, it's hard sleeping next to  your wife and not be able to do it, constant rejection which can hurt anybody's ego, but please stick to your marriage.

inshAllah there are enough mature people on this forum that we could get you both out of it unscathed. 

But for now.. no divorce.. not even a thought of it as 100th option..

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@Smiles786 I don't see what the brother has done to deserve such harsh words from you.  

@KulluNafsin Based on what little information you gave I cannot give specfic suggestions but what but here are some general tips.

1. Don't involve family,particularly mothers, both yours or her.

2. Don't push for intimacy yet. Infact stop pursuing her for anything. I know it can be frustrating when you feel unheard but for now,take a deep breath and back off for a bit. Overwhelming the other person causes her to shut down even more. 

3. Sincerely apologise to her for whatever has offended her no matter how small it seems to you,it hurt her greatly.

4. You and her seem to be in a negative cycle. To break that you need to treat her with love and kindness unconditionally.I know it's not easy when the other person is not reciprocating but nothing breaks emotional barriers like unconditional love. 

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13 hours ago, KulluNafsin said:

She says a few things..

1. I went on a trip after marriage(she declined honeymoon and on going on this trip with me)

2.Not an arranged marriage

3. She was hungry one day and I ate outside.

As mentioned, i get these little issues but i didn't think they would be this massive.

Was it a love marriage? You have to ask her for why she doesn't want to go to honeymoon. There should e some kind of reason. I don't know whats on her mind. Talk to her or involve someone. May be marriage counseling. 

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9 hours ago, Irfani313 said:

Dear brother @KulluNafsin

Given the information you have shared, this is all I can suggest, take the word "divorce" out of your dictionary. Also ask her to do the same.

Yes it's tough, it's painful, it's hard sleeping next to  your wife and not be able to do it, constant rejection which can hurt anybody's ego, but please stick to your marriage.

inshAllah there are enough mature people on this forum that we could get you both out of it unscathed. 

But for now.. no divorce.. not even a thought of it as 100th option..

Ahsant brother, will try and follow this for the time being

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8 hours ago, starlight said:

@Smiles786 I don't see what the brother has done to deserve such harsh words from you.  

@KulluNafsin Based on what little information you gave I cannot give specfic suggestions but what but here are some general tips.

1. Don't involve family,particularly mothers, both yours or her.

2. Don't push for intimacy yet. Infact stop pursuing her for anything. I know it can be frustrating when you feel unheard but for now,take a deep breath and back off for a bit. Overwhelming the other person causes her to shut down even more. 

3. Sincerely apologise to her for whatever has offended her no matter how small it seems to you,it hurt her greatly.

4. You and her seem to be in a negative cycle. To break that you need to treat her with love and kindness unconditionally.I know it's not easy when the other person is not reciprocating but nothing breaks emotional barriers like unconditional love. 

Thanks for your response, I have tried to apologize and even purchased some gifts...to no avail.

I guess i need to just continue to show unconditional love.

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13 hours ago, Smiles786 said:

Try valuing her as a human being not forcing her into relations. You need to fix your relationship with your wife. Forcing her is making your relationship worse. Go tall to your wife. You owe her an apology 

I am sensing a heavy feminist vibe from you, you dont think i apologized months ago?

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21 hours ago, KulluNafsin said:

Salaams,

I am from the US. Having finally had the courage to sign up here I am looking for some advice as I feel hopeless and out of any options.

I have been married for approx 5 months. The first month was decent, after that it has been downhill completely.

My wife has pretty much shut off - communication is almost non existent - seems forced. She does not want sex as she says she cant " accept me as a husband". I have explained to her that any issue we may have is completely normal and does not mean you shut me off and dont forgive me. I showed her hadith and the Quran about respecting husband and not denying sex. She does not care about this. 

I will admit i have made some mistakes but they are completely minuscule(to myself and to others i have asked) but they seem large to her.  

What do I do in this situation?

Salaam Alaykum Brother,

I am a person who was suffered from serious family problems. My father didn't do his duties the way he should do, and my mother didn't too. Sometimes when I think about this, I see that I don't love them that much JUST because they didn't follow religion. Providing for family and respecting wife and children are the father's duty, and submission to husband especially in sex is a woman's duty (I didn't say these are the ONLY duties. I'm just talking about my case). Every single time that my mother rejected my father (of course they didn't ask it in front of us, but you realize it gradually), there was a big fight in the house that was supposed to be a peace place. I DO KNOW how you suffer. I'm single. I know it's even HARDER for you. For the sake of Allah, try to be more patient. Probably she would change her behavior in future. Try to show your feelings towards her even though I know it's a BIG JIHAD with all of that rejections, with all of that nights that your ego and your role as husband in the house were deteriorated. Be more patient and try to show love, patience, and your care to her. Don't lose your temper even only one time, since it ruins all of your previous efforts.

Start over. Pray two Rakaats Salah and after your Salah tell Amiralmuminin that you want to do this Jihad to show your love to your wife. It's difficult and I need your help. Make her my Fatemeh.

 

I have a word with women regardless of being single or married:

Men are totally different from what you have in your mind. NEVER never reject them in their sexual needs. Be more stronger and don't use their need in sex as a weapon to punish them. A Shia Muslim never does that. Be confident and change your husband by your Islamic Akhlagh not by using a weapon against their natural desires. I also want males to understand this that when your wife submits to you it's because they love you, so be considerate to this love feeling. 

All of these comments and my past experience is a listen for me and to all wise people.

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19 hours ago, KulluNafsin said:

She says a few things..

1. I went on a trip after marriage(she declined honeymoon and on going on this trip with me)

2.Not an arranged marriage

3. She was hungry one day and I ate outside.

As mentioned, i get these little issues but i didn't think they would be this massive.

This sounds very odd on her part. 

  1. What reason did she give for not wanting to go on a Honeymoon with you?
  2. OK, but how much time did you two spend together getting to know each other in depth before getting married? I'm not talking about sitting in a room full of other people, I'm talking about having conversations about life goals and expectations as well as conversations in which you get to know the other person's nature and personality.
  3. How soon after your wedding did this food event happen?
4 hours ago, KulluNafsin said:

I have tried to apologize and even purchased some gifts...to no avail.

I guess i need to just continue to show unconditional love.

No, stand your ground. You need to be understanding and respectful of her feelings and wishes as anyone in a relationship should be, but at the same time you can't let her walk all over you by forcing you to do what is in her favor.

Something is telling me that she's up to something here. This smells rotten from the outside.

58 minutes ago, KulluNafsin said:

Yes she is also from the same city

How well did you know her family and friends? The other people in her life?

59 minutes ago, KulluNafsin said:

Nothing of this sort. I went on multiple trips before marriage, and only one after marriage.

I'm assuming these are work related trips? Was she aware that you have to travel so much?

Well, to be honest if these are indeed the things that happened based on what info you've given then I would say this is not your fault. I'm getting a vibe here that she is doing this on purpose. Usually, that only happens when she's got feelings for someone else, probably someone her parents wouldn't have let marry. Perhaps there is a Mental health issue involved. But to have all this drama happen so early into a marriage is a bad sign.

Usually, 5 months into a marriage both people are so caught up in the joy of a new relationship that they let little things slide because they are so happy and excited. However, with her its not that way. She's using everything you do as an excuse to achieve something else.

Either way, don't dwell on this too much. If she's acting like this this early in the marriage then you can expect a lifetime of drama and nonsense from her. She sounds like a manipulator and a strategist. 

On 10/4/2017 at 12:42 PM, KulluNafsin said:

She does not want sex as she says she cant " accept me as a husband".

Only 5 months into a marriage. This is not because of an argument or fight, its because she doesn't want to have sex with you.

Cut your losses and get out of this marriage. This girl isn't going to give you a happy life.

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On 10/4/2017 at 10:42 AM, KulluNafsin said:

Salaams,

I am from the US. Having finally had the courage to sign up here I am looking for some advice as I feel hopeless and out of any options.

I have been married for approx 5 months. The first month was decent, after that it has been downhill completely.

My wife has pretty much shut off - communication is almost non existent - seems forced. She does not want sex as she says she cant " accept me as a husband". I have explained to her that any issue we may have is completely normal and does not mean you shut me off and dont forgive me. I showed her hadith and the Quran about respecting husband and not denying sex. She does not care about this. 

I will admit i have made some mistakes but they are completely minuscule(to myself and to others i have asked) but they seem large to her.  

What do I do in this situation?

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. 

most people that ask for advice are truly in the wrong and people tell them to stay together when it's clear the problems are going to lead to divorce sooner or later.

However, these problems are pretty petty and merely rough patches that could be resolved with a Muslim counselor (not an imam.)

if she refuses, which she most probably will, then I agree with Akbar. Cut your losses. 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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When I threatened her with divorce a week ago, she said she wants to continue to try. I highly doubt and know for sure there’s is no other man. 

When I ask her when things will go back to normal, her answer is that she needs time. She’s unable to find it in her to forgive me just yet. 

I want to be clear. My trips prior and after have been sports or with friends based. Not business. 

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salam brother.. as i am a woman i can tell u about our emotions.. first of all she is hurted by u that much that she dont accept u as a husband.. women cant say to her husband a harsh sentence until not even her heart but her soul is badly hurt.. and on times like this only saying sorry or to apologize is not enough... and sometimes ur words dont do the effect at all but ur caring and silence love can do..

what a wife wants from her husband is only love.. obviously she needs other things 2 but they are secondary..

as she dont say or talk, no problem u can do little things for her that a women want to fell that she is being loved.. silently show that u love her and want this relation ship to heal..

like if ever she look at u , u can give her a friendly lovely smile .. she dont smile back or ignores u no problem continue smiling.. another good idea.. u can give her a blanket at night when she lie down to sleep but remember without touching her..if she gets sick take care of her like a mother does for her child this is the best way to say that u love and care.. wait for her when having food so she comes and start her own meal.. when she walks or sits around u look at her from time to time that she know that u looking at her and u concerned about her.. place a red rose next to her pillow from time to time .. place a card on kitchen slab that says u love her.. bring her, her favorite chocolates or a book or her favorite perfume.. show concern about her family members.. 

there can b thousands of these little things that can bring her closer to u.. but remember it will take time b  patient and pray 2 IN SHA Allah Allah WILL HELP U..

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