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Syeda19

Deceived into a polygamous marriage

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You shouldn't settle for blegh, regardless of how many times you've been married. 

If you want a stable and honest man and a father figure for your kids, you won't find it in him.

He is deceitful. Why do you want this man? 

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You've really done an injustice to your children. 

I still say it's better to be alone than in a marriage without trust, but it wouldn't be fair to your children for you to cut him out of their lives if he's a parental figure to them. 

But it would be worse to separate them from home and extended family to go live in a place where nobody claims them. Stay where you are living now. If this man wants to make marriage with you work, he's going to have to work on it too.

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Dear sister @Syeda19, inshAllah in this holy month, may Allah swt blesses you and you see the light at the end of this tunnel of yours.

Without a pun, it's comical to see so many SC'ers recommend divorce on the drop of a hat, divorce suggestions seem to be the most prevalent suggestions in these distressed marriage threads.

Given my observations, having seen many divorced situations in my family and friends unfortunately, it's much more prevalent now a days, I can but only ask you to consider all the sane ladies on the SC (such as @notme  @starlight  @Hameedeh) and do not ever think of divorce unless he (she) turns out to be a Fasiq (I can't find an old @Abu Hadi threads but he explained it so perfectly in there).

Also if I summarize all the good suggestions above for you, these will sum into this: "Keep your current marriage. But for now do not move to his country, leaving behind your system of support meaning your parents and siblings. Once there, you will be an outsider and his wife will have all of her family plus your husband there for her. Your husband, thanks to Allah swt, has already gotten his travel issues resolved so he could always come and visit you every few months. Once over time you establish the trust, the love, and the compassion between you, then go ahead and move accordingly".

God bless.  

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On 9/27/2017 at 10:16 AM, starlight said:

She has kids who need stability in their lives, not men coming and going in their mother's life.

I am not a parent, but I do know what kind of damage that a lying parent can do to children. Kids will never get stability from a father that lies to their mother.

On 9/27/2017 at 10:16 AM, starlight said:

Under thirty , twice divorced is not only reduce the chances of her third marriage to nearly zero it's also going to get people talking about her.

Better than being a relationship built on lies and deception, sharing a man with a woman who thinks very badly of you. That's a recipe for disaster, something that the OP's kids should not be subjected to. For the record, I don't see what wrong with marrying a woman under 30, twice divorced and with kids. If I was proposed by such a woman, I would accept. I am sure that there are other brothers who feel the same way as well.

What gives about what other people think and gossip about, it's usually all lies and half-truths that are exaggerated anyway.

On 9/27/2017 at 1:17 PM, Syeda19 said:

On the other hand he says he has no husband-wife relationship with her, it is purely for the kids. I don't know what to believe because he always speaks to her secretly, he has never once spoken to her on the phone in front of me so I can see that clearly there is something he is hiding. Nor has he ever spoken to me in front of her. There was a time, before his wife found out that he used to FaceTime me with his daughter and have her call me mom, and she would.

That is a huge red flag, @Syeda19, secrecy is a really bad sign. Him making his daughter call you Mom is also really disturbing and sad, no wonder she is feeling quite bitter and thinks that way of you. Should have never happened.

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On 9/26/2017 at 10:58 AM, Syeda19 said:

We met up again for our one year wedding anniversary and two weeks after he got back home I got a call from his phone. It was his wife.

Salam. Did she want to know why a strange woman's name is in her husband's phone? What did she say to you? Does she speak your language?

On 9/26/2017 at 10:58 AM, Syeda19 said:

I don't have any issues with him spending time with his kids, I just can't stand that she's there too and that he spends time with her. I simply cannot share my husband 

Your husband has not divorced his first wife, and since she is his cousin he will probably stay married to her in order to keep his in-laws happy. He is not only allowed to but he is duty-bound to make a pleasant life for her and their children.

On 9/26/2017 at 10:58 AM, Syeda19 said:

He will spend time with them and I will never be allowed to be there. He will take them out to places and spend alone time with them.

Dear, he doesn't want you to be in the same room as his first wife because he knows the situation could become miserable. Either he thinks you cannot control yourself or she would try to hurt you. He wants to keep the peace. Why would you want to meet her and have a jealous and perhaps violent confrontation?

On 9/26/2017 at 10:58 AM, Syeda19 said:

He will give me Saturday and them Sunday.

If you move to his country, why would he see you and your children only on Saturday? What about Monday through Friday? Would he be at home with you and your children after work or does he  travel during the week days? 

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On 9/26/2017 at 10:58 AM, Syeda19 said:

.....him coming once to meet me in person.....

.....3 months later he met my family.....

.....[marriage took place].....

.....We met up again for our one year wedding anniversary.....

.....One year has passed since that phone call.....

.....He even got his spouse visa and came to me....

He comes to you when he wants to leave his country. You went to visit him once?

On 9/26/2017 at 4:06 PM, Syeda19 said:

PS- my family thought at one point too that he was marrying me only for nationality but after he left after getting his spouse visa it confirmed that he's not interested in that. 

Was he staying in a hotel when he came to your country or was he staying with you? Does he come to your country but has no time to visit you? 

On 9/26/2017 at 10:58 AM, Syeda19 said:

He is currently preparing everything over there for my arrival.

He wants you to come to live in his country. Will he allow you to take your children and return to visit your family when you feel homesick and want to see them? 

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Divorce, is in general "disliked" for it breaks down a marriage. But as to the op's case, her marriage is already a broken one in the sense that she doesnt have a stable family life with her husband.

To the op: you said that you dont like to share your husband with another woman. His first wife, most likely, has the same feeling. She may be even very angry at you (in addition to him). Your husband cannot be always in journey. He may not be able to manage 2 families. One day he will be tired and then choose 1 of his wives. Even if he preferes you, what will happen to his 1st wife and her kids. Do you want to save your marriage life at any price (even if it ruins someone else's life)?

In addition, if you leave your country, you will lose the support of those who honestly love you and want to help you. So between honest sincere support of your parents and unreliable (occasional)support of a deceitful man, which will you choose?

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I will just cover the Islamic Law side of this.

First of all, he is a sinner for lying and being decietful, and he must repent. 

However... you said you married him? Then Islamically he is your husband and technically you must treat him as such. It's sad that this happened to you sister, and this may be a bala which has bestowed upon you.

That's all I can say.

Edited by E.L King

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22 minutes ago, E.L King said:

I will just cover the Islamic Law side of this.

First of all, he is a sinner for lying and being decietful, and he must repent. 

However... you said you married him? Then Islamically he is your husband and technically you must treat him as such. It's sad that this happened to you sister, and this may be a bala which has bestowed upon you.

That's all I can say.

Is it even permissible to spend months with one wife at a time while the other is in another country? I thought you have to spend at least 1/4 nights with each wife

2426. If a man, for example, has two wives and spends one night with one of them, it is obligatory on him to spend anyone of four nights with the other as well; in situation other than this, it is not obligatory on a man to stay with his wife. Of course, it is necessary that he should not totally forsake living with the wife. And as a precaution, a man should spend one night out of every four with his permanent wife.

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salam sister. i have read ur post last nite and since then i have been thinking about u becoz im seing myself in u for many reasons. sister we all including ur family can only give u advice but its only and only u who have to take the decision. 

there can b three ways for u. first of all let everything going as it is now. u in other country and ur husband in another. but the question is can u live like that left every thing on time to decide. not doing anything to change in ur life do u want that ask ur self.

 now the second and third way but remember u will have to b super strong for these ways.

the second way is to take divorce but i know ending a marriage is very very painful and if it includes ur emotional feelings it is more painfulas i have gone through this 2 i can feel ur pain.. if i were in place of u i would never have been married again after my first divorce.. u have ur kids a reason for u to live then why would u wanted a man in ur life. u could have started a new life a new career done a job or any thing u like to earn a living grownup ur kids and this can b happen becoz ur family and parents are with u. u can do this now after takind divorce u can be independent make ur life stand up for ur kids b very storng for ur kids . u can do all this my sister be determined strong. and Allah will open new doors for the ones who try to improve their situations.

now come the third and the most painful way. for this u have to b very very very strong. if u cant take divorce u will have to go to his country becoz marriage demands that u should go to ur husband one day . a country where u dont know any one no friends no relatives no family not even a shoulder of a friend to cry on. as from ur post i i have getting that he wont live with u but with his first wife.. she and her kids are his first priority. what will u do if u needed him and he wont come have u thought that. ur kids will b grownup one day wat will u tell them about him that where he lives instead of ur house are u ready to answer them all ur life. and i know his wife wont let u and him stay happy are u ready for a life full or sorrow and regret with no turning back cursing ur self all ur life for the decision. and after 10 or 15 years u try to leave him but cant do u want that life. but if u r ready for all this then go for it but b super strong.

and if u r not then ask Allah for HIS help and leave everything on HIM ask HIM to show u the rite path as this is the only way a momin should do. IN SHA Allah u will b contented.. when there is no way left and u dont know what to do just rely on HIMthe greatest power.

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19 hours ago, IbnMariam said:

Is it even permissible to spend months with one wife at a time while the other is in another country? I thought you have to spend at least 1/4 nights with each wife

2426. If a man, for example, has two wives and spends one night with one of them, it is obligatory on him to spend anyone of four nights with the other as well; in situation other than this, it is not obligatory on a man to stay with his wife. Of course, it is necessary that he should not totally forsake living with the wife. And as a precaution, a man should spend one night out of every four with his permanent wife.

It would seem to be impermissible based on looking at the fatwa you posted.

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22 hours ago, IbnMariam said:

Is it even permissible to spend months with one wife at a time while the other is in another country? I thought you have to spend at least 1/4 nights with each wife

2426. If a man, for example, has two wives and spends one night with one of them, it is obligatory on him to spend anyone of four nights with the other as well; in situation other than this, it is not obligatory on a man to stay with his wife. Of course, it is necessary that he should not totally forsake living with the wife. And as a precaution, a man should spend one night out of every four with his permanent wife.

Don't see how this is relevant. He is making arrangements for her to move to his country so he can spend time with both of his wives.  In case she doesn't decide to move he cannot be held responsible for not spending time with her.

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On 9/26/2017 at 6:40 PM, Syeda19 said:

I wish that either I had the strength to leave, or the sabr to accept. I'm hanging in the middle now and it's pure torture.

Salam Alaikum,

I pray to Almighty that your condition gets better. 

I can't even begin to understand what you are going though. its easier said than done  but my advice to you is same as your relatives. This is not that i believe that you are suffering due to your own decisions, i base my suggestion on the fact that divorce is the only halal thing that Allah subhan o tala disliked and discouraged. So instead of thinking this as punishment of your mistakes rather consider it as Will of Almighty and them time you tolerate your husband is as per command of Almighty. Pray that your husband does "adal" between two of you and stop lying to you and God give you strength to bear all this.

When you have tried this also with best of your heart still if after all this you are its not bearable then its your right.
May GOD help you. Amen

_______________________________________________________________

Ya QAEM ALAJAL

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Girl, I don't know how you could let this happen to you TWICE. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice- shame on me. You have kids and all and you still let yourself get played like that. Red Flag" I wont show you the marriage certificate because it means you dont trust me". How could you fall for such foolery? Your getting these types of men in your life, because clearly you still need some training to do. You cant get all up in your emotions like that. And let your father voice his opinion, cuz he is out there to protect you. Take heed and  stop killing your dads brain cells with the logic that that lying man is feeding you. Someone needs to see the picture clearly around here. You need to get out. Get out of this marriage. Don't let the divorced twice stigma get to you. Cuz this man is gonna make your life a living hell. He don't respect you. Your serving as his pawn. He got another visa to another country thru you. He is getting attention and his desires fulfilled thru you....Get OUT. He is the type of man that will pass an STD to his wife without a care.

Edited by Miss Wonderful

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On 9/26/2017 at 10:58 AM, Syeda19 said:

I don't have any issues with him spending time with his kids, I just can't stand that she's there too and that he spends time with her. I simply cannot share my husband and feel that I will completely lose my sanity. At the same time I do not want to be divorced! Please advise, thank you.

Salaam, I would suggest seeing a muslim therapist, counselor, or psychologist who can help in these types of things. Preferably, the person who you go to for professional help should be female, and also the person should have a fairly good reputation in the community for helping people. Though we do have honest intentions to help you, you should not think advice from internet strangers can take the place of a professional who can help in matters like this as there are probably many nuances of this case that you cannot tell us. So, I advise once again to go seek professional help and hopefully they should help you and your life situation with all it's nuances and details. 

Edited by Hameedeh
Quote was shortened in length.

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On 9/26/2017 at 10:58 AM, Syeda19 said:

Salam brothers and sisters. I come from a family and society (being raised in the west) when a man only has one wife, in fact I have never in my life met or heard of anyone with more than one wife. I met a "divorced" childless man online on a Shia matrimonial website a few years ago. We lived in two different countries. He seemed to be the perfect man. After about 9 months of speaking on the phone and facetiming, and him coming once to meet me in person, he told me he had two kids. I was in shock. He said he never told me before because he was afraid he would lose me. By this time I had developed very strong feelings for him and could not let him go. About 3 months later he met my family and told everyone that he wants to marry me and he's paid his wife's haq mehr and all but is yet to do the sharia talaq. He also said he has no contact with her at all and that he sees his children at his relative's house. I fully trusted him (foolish of me, yes I know.) My father put his foot down and said that this marriage will absolutely not happen if he is still married and that if he cannot get divorced, he should go and live happily with his wife or atleast sacrifice everything for his kids and stay with them. Another year passed by and we were getting ready to get married. He said he has divorced her but will not show the certificate to anyone as that would mean that no one trusts his words. I trusted him, convinced my parents and we got married. He returned to his respective country and we filed for his immigration to come to me. 

After about two months of marriage I found out he is still married to his first wife. He told me that the marriage is just on the papers and he has nothing to do with her, it is only for the sake of the children and because of a lot of family pressure as she is his first cousin. I accepted his words and was at peace that he has no contact with her. I found it very odd though and questioned him many times because they have children together that they must meet amicably for the kids but he said no, they don't see each other at all. We met up again for our one year wedding anniversary and two weeks after he got back home I got a call from his phone. It was his wife.

One year has passed since that phone call and this past one year of my life has been hell. I have developed anxiety, depression, and maybe even bipolar disorder. I don't trust him at all in any way and I don't know how our marriage will survive without trust. His wife kicked him out that very day and he's been living with his brother ever since (but again I have no proof other than his words.) He even got his spouse visa and came to me but then returned home saying we will have a better life there and that he cannot leave his children. He is currently preparing everything over there for my arrival. I'm sure he's not living with her as we'll be living together once I'm there and no one just leaves his happy home in a second in moves in with someone else. It takes time of separation before someone starts living with someone else.

My issue now is that he says that he can never divorce her for the sake of his kids. He said that I should be happy that he will be living with me but he will always be there for her and his kids whenever they need him and he will always do his duties every weekend like take her grocery shopping and all (she doesn't drive.) He will spend time with them and I will never be allowed to be there. He will take them out to places and spend alone time with them. He will give me Saturday and them Sunday. 

I don't have any issues with him spending time with his kids, I just can't stand that she's there too and that he spends time with her. I simply cannot share my husband and feel that I will completely lose my sanity. At the same time I do not want to be divorced! Please advise, thank you.

First of all the heading of your post is totally misleading. No one has deceited you except you did your ownself. Despite knowing that man is married and 2 children you still developed your relation. What's wrong with you? You should truly seek forgiveness from Allah swt for intentionally destroying home of some other woman. You and your evilish decisions were driven and probably still being driven by negative emotions. What you have done is forbidden not only in our religion but I would highly reccomend you to take some lessons of morality too. 

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On 29/10/2017 at 3:16 AM, Sisterfatima1 said:

He can divorce her he just does not want to 

it’s simple 

How can you say that? Do you even realize what are you suggesting? Just put yourself in that woman shoes. How would you feel if someone divorce you and go for someone else? I'm sure that is not something you will ever wish. 

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On 9/26/2017 at 4:06 PM, Syeda19 said:

This man who I am married to now says he's done the biggest favour of my life to me by marrying a divorced woman with kids because no one else in this world would have. My family hates him for saying this to me and they always encourage me and tell me that there's someone amazing out there for me, I'm not even 30 yet! 

All that you said in your first post could be put down to him being weak and stuck between a rock and a hard place etc

However, someone who actually says things like this - whether it is true or not is another issue - but to actually use this as an argument is a bit of a scumbag thing to do.

This is low level, unsophisticated emotional blackmail.

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10 hours ago, starlight said:

How so?

How so??? Since when Islam has permitted to make such decisions that are intended to harm others directly or indirectly?

The woman (or I better call her a girl as per her id syeda19) in discussion clearly knows that the man she married to was already married and has 2 children. Now on one side she claims she is totally in love with that man but on the other hand she is not willing to accept him despite his all faults plus his past. If you were really able to read in between the lines like I do, you would know this is purely a case of jealousy and personal envy plus some psych disorders. Anyhow all these signs and the people suffering with them to such an extent causing others harm, are not very much respected in Islam. One more thing for your 'KIND' information, Islam is a complete religion and in Islam we have both spirtual and ethical laws. The moral values should be based on ethics taught to us in our religion not based while riding an emotional roller coaster. But of course as a human we sometimes fell in devils trap and fell into haram acts or perform sins. Then again it depends if those sins are personal acts or are they causing any harm to other fellow human beings? In this case I see this 19 year old girl (I might b wrong about her age) being more ehically wrong from the begining of her story. Now why she is blaming others for her tragedy? no one forced her, in fact she forced her parents to marry such a despicable man.

And now before sending me anymore annoying messages kindly read this beautiful article which I truly hope would help you knowing what I am talking about. Thanks.

https://www.al-islam.org/islam-faith-practice-history-sayyid-muhammad-rizvi/lesson-25-islams-spiritual-program-1

Edited by John Romerro

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38 minutes ago, starlight said:

The rest of your incoherent outburst aside when have I sent you any messages? :ko::dry:

Incoherent outburst? Lol! This remind me of those young children and even adults who start to cry when they find out that santa claus isn't real and it was their own dad/uncle or a neighbor in a red costume with a fake white beard. Lol!!!

Anyhow I accept my mistake. I mistakenly wrote message instead the word 'reply'. But you see it doesn't matter, still you replied me even without reading that article I sent you just to show my one word mistake. 

Edited by John Romerro

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On 11/9/2017 at 9:32 PM, John Romerro said:

without reading that article I sent you just to show my one word mistake. 

Jumping to conclusions, are you?  

There was nothing worth responding in your post.

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On 11/10/2017 at 12:34 AM, starlight said:

There was nothing worth responding in your post.

Yeah Right! That's why you bother yourself replying to my post but doesn't know what to say? But it's ok. That stuff is too heavy for you.

Anyhow you remind me those kind of guys who start  to imagine themselves Bruce Lee immediately after watching any of his movies. All they do is to brag about themself that how they can create magic kicks like Bruce but as soon as some tough situation comes his friends find him no where. So nothing more I can say about you. Take kare!

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