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dear community, 

I have been married for iver two years and have a one year old child. second is on its way. we had quite a struggle to build and maintain our live but Alhamdulillah we tried and Allah helped. I have a issue in my marriage that I would like to get advice for... from brothers and sisters inshallah. 

my husband always told me that beforme marriage he didnt had any girlfriend and relationships. I took his word. He comes from a modarate religious family and choose to follow his religion himself. he is good i reciting quran and knows quite a lot about Islam. 

a few months ago I founded out that he is texting an other women, who was non muslim and married! it was during Ramadan one day after Qadr night. He was expressing his affection for her and she was playing a hard to get game but in the same time loving the attention.  

it was quite devestating to see these messages and find out about this contact. 

I confronted my husband and he told it was just started a few days earlier and it was only texting. They were collegues and my husband helped them the women and her husband ( he knew both!) a few times with moving etc. 

My husband immidiatly admitted his mistake asked for forgiveness and told me serversl times that he was caught is the play and that it was all a play for him. he didnt mean the words he said he was just playing...and that he also was feeling lots if guilt from the beginning because of me and our child but that he was somehow deceived or shucked in this shaitanic game. 

I was broken, we spoked a lot, he could convince me that these things wouldnt happen again and I dince I am pregnant and have a small child deceided to keep our family together and stay with him also for the children. 

Now a few months passed and we are living our life normally with its ups a downs but unfortunstly I cant trust him anymore. the trust base is completly shaked up. I still cant understand how He who was such a peacticing muslim fall i  such a trap. I am scared it will repeat it self and doubt so many words he says. 

Our mobile phones have always been open without password and it was normal for both of us to use eachothers phones. after the whole incident I do have to commit that I looked in his phone more often that I was used to do just because to get this 'safe' feeling that he wasnt in contact anymore. 

since two weeks he started acting a bit weird again. he locked his phone because he says I was doing too much tajasus. but in the same time he is very nervous about where he puts his phone and the content. In the same time he sometimes makes up where he had bee, not telling the truth. I know this fur shore since I know him very good. 

I want to aske your advice because I sm gettkng very much waswas, I am al the time thinking that he is with someone else. that he is again in contact with namahram women etc. 

what can I do? 

how to deal with this situatiion ?

have you can some similar experience? 

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1 hour ago, yazahra333 said:

dear community, 

.......................

Sister, I do understand you situation. I know its hard for you to trust him but give it some time. If he not doing anything you will start trusting him eventually. On the other hand if he acting shady and you think he is up to something I will say talk to him and keep an eye on him. Pretend that everything is normal and just keep an eye on him. May Allah guide him and protect your family.  

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19 minutes ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

Sister, I do understand you situation. .......................

Thanks for the reply. I am very happy to share this and open up about it.

By the way sorry all for the wrong spelling and typos I am dyslectic and had to write the topic in quite a rush. 

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1 hour ago, yazahra333 said:

By the way sorry all for the wrong spelling and typos I am dyslectic and had to write the topic in quite a rush. 

Trust me you are way better than me. 

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1 hour ago, yazahra333 said:

Thanks for the reply. I am very happy to share this and open up about it.

And hey I know you have kid but make sure you don't ignore your husband. Talk to him and ask him if he has any issues or how could you help him.

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2 hours ago, yazahra333 said:

he locked his phone because he says I was doing too much tajasus. but in the same time he is very nervous about where he puts his phone and the content.

Tell your husband you know he locks his phone now and it's because of what he did in the past. Tell him Allah knows what you do. Ask him to think about what would happen if he is in an accident and dies and his family will get his phone and they will unlock it to see who are the people he owes money to, then all things hidden will be revealed. 

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3 hours ago, yazahra333 said:

dear community, 

I have been married for iver two years and have a one year old child. second is on its way. we had quite a struggle to build and maintain our live but Alhamdulillah we tried and Allah helped. I have a issue in my marriage that I would like to get advice for... from brothers and sisters inshallah. 

my husband always told me that beforme marriage he didnt had any girlfriend and relationships. I took his word. He comes from a modarate religious family and choose to follow his religion himself. he is good i reciting quran and knows quite a lot about Islam. 

a few months ago I founded out that he is texting an other women, who was non muslim and married! it was during Ramadan one day after Qadr night. He was expressing his affection for her and she was playing a hard to get game but in the same time loving the attention.  

it was quite devestating to see these messages and find out about this contact. 

I confronted my husband and he told it was just started a few days earlier and it was only texting. They were collegues and my husband helped them the women and her husband ( he knew both!) a few times with moving etc. 

My husband immidiatly admitted his mistake asked for forgiveness and told me serversl times that he was caught is the play and that it was all a play for him. he didnt mean the words he said he was just playing...and that he also was feeling lots if guilt from the beginning because of me and our child but that he was somehow deceived or shucked in this shaitanic game. 

I was broken, we spoked a lot, he could convince me that these things wouldnt happen again and I dince I am pregnant and have a small child deceided to keep our family together and stay with him also for the children. 

Now a few months passed and we are living our life normally with its ups a downs but unfortunstly I cant trust him anymore. the trust base is completly shaked up. I still cant understand how He who was such a peacticing muslim fall i  such a trap. I am scared it will repeat it self and doubt so many words he says. 

Our mobile phones have always been open without password and it was normal for both of us to use eachothers phones. after the whole incident I do have to commit that I looked in his phone more often that I was used to do just because to get this 'safe' feeling that he wasnt in contact anymore. 

since two weeks he started acting a bit weird again. he locked his phone because he says I was doing too much tajasus. but in the same time he is very nervous about where he puts his phone and the content. In the same time he sometimes makes up where he had bee, not telling the truth. I know this fur shore since I know him very good. 

I want to aske your advice because I sm gettkng very much waswas, I am al the time thinking that he is with someone else. that he is again in contact with namahram women etc. 

what can I do? 

how to deal with this situatiion ?

have you can some similar experience? 

Salaam Alaykum

You need to think MORE about the relationship between you and your husband. Is there ANY expectation from him? Does he want you to do something for him? Keep him closer to yourself. Be kinder to him. Have more discussion with him. Ask for his opinion. Be more and more kind to him. Do whatever you can do to keep him away from that Haram contacts.

Be relaxed talk with your husband  and tell him your concerns. Tell him that you don't want to lose him with one little child and one baby in my womb. Talk MORE. Don't try to talk with your husband ONLY when you want to confront him. It's not the way relationship works. Tell him your concerns. Ask him how can you be the PERFECT girl that he wants.

Be sure that after sometime, he will be attracted to you. Inshaallah your problem will be solved.

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Salaam sister. Sorry you are going through this.

2 hours ago, yazahra333 said:

Now a few months passed and we are living our life normally with its ups a downs but unfortunstly I cant trust him anymore. the trust base is completly shaked up. I still cant understand how He who was such a peacticing muslim fall i  such a trap.

No one falls into the trap of cheating. It is a conscious decision. I dont think it should be called a mistake either since one makes a conscious decision to cheat.

After having said that and not knowing the contents of the txt messages, it could just be work flirting. Not that this is a trivial thing but having an affair and flirting at work are quite different.

2 hours ago, yazahra333 said:

what can I do? 

how to deal with this situatiion ?

have you can some similar experience? 

So far, I think you have handled it well. Trust is very hard to re-gain once it is broken but it can be mended if both people try hard enough. There are people who break one's trust and then make the other person guilty for not trusting them. Then there are others who go to all lengths to prove they are trustworthy. Seems like your husband is in the former category.

I think you should have an open conversation with your husband that he broke your trust and it is up to him to re-gain it and if that means having unfettered access to his phone, then so be it.

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Thank you all for the useful advice, opinions and understanding. 

the betrayal is one thing but what makes the situation quite hard for me is the fact that he is used to not telling the truth. probely something from his childhood. he always says I dont lie but I dont tell the truth either. In the past months and maybe before that also but defiantly after the accident he is more and more protecting himself by this behaviour of not telling the truth. In practice this means that he goes out or comes home later as usual and makes a story up or just tell a little bit. 

I just can tell he is not telling the whole truth because I know him so long and because often the facts and real truths show themselves. 

I have asked him to please stop this and be honest but he says that he also does it for me because I may react oversensitive. 

this lack of trust and honesty is seriously a deep pain. it feels like the fundament if your life is unstabile. I am really looking for a way to transform this. 

what is helping me is looking at the things that He is doing good and the blessings Allah have given us in general. This has helped me to cope with it and go further day by day... I do see that he is offering sincere effort for our family( working, halal income, taking care) and that he is a good dad. 

I will reflect more on your writings thank you. 

If there are other issues that pop up your minds please do share. 

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1 hour ago, yazahra333 said:

If there are other issues that pop up your minds please do share. 

This has been a stressful time for you. Since you are pregnant again, please relax and read the Holy Qur'an and make dua. Ask Allah to give you patience. Your one year old child needs to know that you are pregnant and a baby is coming. Pay extra attention to the first born so that he/she won't be jealous of the newborn. If you relax and have pleasant conversations with your husband, perhaps he will reflect on his blessings and realize that his most pleasurable time is when he is at home with you and your child/children. Praying for you.

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Dear sister, there are a couple of ways to handle this, but to be sure that no spiritual or physical harm done to you, your husband, and your overall household, kindly do this:

1. Ask your husband to do one thing and one thing only as starters - ask him to whatever he is doing (do not probe him), make sure he does with in the boundaries of Islam. Meaning whatever he is up to, remind him to make sure it remains in halal bucket

2. If he does agree to #1, then you could jump on to some other wonderful advises given in this thread so far. 

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thank you brother. 

indeed the most heavy part of this experience was that I always say my husband with al his flaws as a good practicing muslim so to find out about this in the month Ramadan! was truly traumatic. Of corse all of us make mistakes and it is between him and Allah, I hope that his repantance gets accepted. 

One of the most sad parts of this whole story is that he stopped offering his prayers ever since that day I founded out.

He says he is not worthy and he is a kind of angry inside why his sin has been uncovered. 

because the day I found out my mother and a good friend if him where also present and they found out either because of my emotional reaction. 

It might had been better for me to be more discrete but honestly its easy to say but when you are in such a situation that you read all these words from your partner towards someone else one truly becomes mad for some time. 

I keep on asking him to offer his daily prayers again a lot

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6 hours ago, yazahra333 said:

because the day I found out my mother and a good friend if him where also present and they found out either because of my emotional reaction. 

This^^^^ I read your thread yesterday and had been meaning to add a reply but got caught up with other stuff.This is the first thing that came to my mind and I was praying you wouldn't have told your or his family.

Husband and wife are 'garments' for each other and should cover each other's faults from the people. I wish you had controlled your emotions better then you did because you might be able to forgive,forget and move on but your mother and that friend never will. It would always be embarrassing for your husband to face them.Anyway, what's done is done. 

What he did was incredibly thoughtless and must have hurt you greatly.

I am going to give you some advice which you might not like(lots of things I say don't sit well with most of the sisters here,lol ) but I am giving it the best of intentions and with the experience that comes with facing the ups and downs in life. 

First of all,and this is a general principle that it applies to everything in life and not just this situation. The only person you have control over is yourself so if you want to change a situation the only thing you can work on is yourself.  Stop trying to change your husband,there are chances he might change(and I will do dua for you) but that change would come indirectly through you. By saying this I am not implying that you are a bad wife to him or you did anything wrong, but there is always room for improvement and what I said earlier that the only person you can change is yourself. 

First thing, you have to decide whether you want to be in this marriage or not. From your post I understand that you don't want to call it quits.

If you plan to continue it's necessary that you do it with the decision that you will forgive him and move on from this incident. This means no reminding of the husband of the incident. If you do this will only result you becoming a bitter person and the two of you drifting apart. If you feel there is some things you need to say to him regarding this have a polite discussion, tell him how much he hurt you but don't rub it in his face every time you have an disagreement. If you keep shaming and humiliating him it means you are not giving him a chance to make amends.

If you want to rebuild the trust in your relationship after this then you have to actually believe in him. Only you know what you need to start trusting him again. Do you want him to spend more time at home? Minimise work related socialising? Stop seeing the couple? While I know it won't easy for you to do but resist the urge to check his phone and go through his things in front of him or keep tabs on him all the time.Hypervigilance isn't a practice that will save you from future betrayal ,it will only serve to slowly turn you into an individual who is always on a global red alert and looking for lies not only in her husband but also her other relatives, friends etc. 

Mashallah, you have one baby with another one on the way (may Allah keep them both safe) is there a possibility that you have been so busy being a mother that you have been ignoring your husband's needs? Lots of women avoid being  intimate with their husbands while pregnant for various reasons - right or wrong.If you want to have a better relationship you must be willing to do some self reflection and admit any shortcomings you have.

Recite surah Naas and Surah falak regularly and ask Allah after every namaz to increase the love between you and your husband.

Edited by starlight

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thank you sister for the useful advice it really did me good. And it is totally right that these kind of issues are better to kept in secret between husband and wife I experienced this also myself but sometimes it is easier said than done. 

my main issue is not how to deal with the past, I know that I will forgive and move on. Not only for him but also for my kids and myself. 

my main issue is that I dont know how to deal with the fact that he is still lying... about where he is what he does etc. It would take too long too go in detail here but I know this a hunderd procent sure. 

how to convince him to be honest and open? or otherwise our love and trust which is really a   base in marriage is so damaged. it is already damaged, but how to prevent it from further damage? 

The intimacy is Alhamdulillah good. 

thank you for your duas I really need them thank you and also thanks for the suggestions of reading surat al Nass and Falaq. 

A dhikr that also ewlly helped me during difficult times is the Yunesiyah 

La illaha il Allah Subhanaka Inni kuntu minaz-Zalemin. 

Alhamdulillah it gave me mental stenght to cope with hard moments 

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On 9/21/2017 at 11:45 AM, yazahra333 said:

my main issue is that I dont know how to deal with the fact that he is still lying... about where he is what he does etc. It would take too long too go in detail here but I know this a hunderd procent sure. 

Sis, I told you earlier. You have to make the decision whether you want to continue the marriage or not, keeping in mind the fact that you cannot change or fix him. He might stop lying or cheating or he might continue. You have to decide keeping in mind the social, financial and emotional factors involved in a marriage and breakup. 

1. In case you decide you cannot put up with his lying then have a frank discussion with him. Tell him to clean up his act if wants the marriage to continue or you are leaving.

2. In case you want to be with him (for any reason financial,kids,you still love him, whatever) be prepared for certain things.

-This won't be an emotionally fulfilling relationship.

-In order to keep peace in the home for the sake of kids you will have to stop asking him about his whereabouts, stop questioning where he is spending his time basically ignore everything while still performing your duties as a wife.If you choose to stay with him because of the kids nagging and fighting will defeat the purpose. 

- As soon as you can, start working,make friends,  start a hobby, keep yourself busy with healthy activities, take active steps towards staying mentally strong and positive. 

- never bad mouth your husband in front of your kids and family, no matter how hurt you are.

 I know at least a dozen women with husbands like yours. There were women who after 20 + years of being in such circumstances have turned into emotional wrecks.They had neither the strength(or developed the skills) to survive in a situation like this (not blaming them) nor the ability to call it quits at the right time. They kept sinking deeper into a hole due to the constant cycle of fighting,accusing,spying and getting hurt.

Then there were others who lived with lying,cheating husbands and difficult as it was maintained both a pleasant disposition and a home environment for their family. They busied themselves with activities that helped them grow spiritually and socially.In my experience I have seen their husbands eventually returned to them.  

So,the choice is yours alone. Only you know your strengths,weaknesses ,your emotional capacity to deal with it,your financial circumstances,the social pressures.Don't rush, take your time,think calmly, ask Allah and Imam e Zamana  (as) for help in reaching the right decision. My duas for your happiness!! :)

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On 9/21/2017 at 12:44 PM, starlight said:

Then there were others who lived with lying,cheating husbands and difficult as it was maintained both a pleasant disposition and a home environment for their family. They busied themselves with activities that helped them grow spiritually and socially.In my experience I have seen their husbands eventually returned to them.  

I can attest to this. 

OP: try to be strong sis because cheating husbands tend to thrive on the weakness of their wives. It is unlikely that you will change him when you are in your current state. Instead, take care of yourself and make an effort to look attractive and vibrant. As starlight said, do whatever you need to do to lower yourself and calm down. That way you will be better equipped to confront whatever challenges arise moving forward in your relationship.  

My duas are with you. 

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thank you Pearl and Starlight. This thread Seriously made me happier and most if all it brought me lots of clarity. 

Alhamdulillah. 

I do strongly believe that Allah gives us different kinds of experiences and challenges in order to become better servants and stronger muslims. Inshallah this whole challenge in this marriage will make me a better muslim. 

I have given myself some time at least six months to one year and then I will be able to decide whether it is healthy and good to stay in this relation and marriage with all its issues or not. For now I indeed need to foccus on myself, the birth of our baby, my son, husband and the warmth at home. I do not want to become bittered or let his issues and shortcomings drain me. 

I do pray a lot for him and ask Allah to guide him and keep him close to Him. 

I hope that I will be able also to grow and be near to Allah as a Mother and Wife day by day. 

It is not easy but I have hope. 

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On 9/21/2017 at 9:44 AM, starlight said:

Sis, I told you earlier. You have to make the decision whether you want to continue the marriage or not, keeping in mind the fact that you cannot change or fix him. He might stop lying or cheating or he might continue. You have to decide keeping in mind the social, financial and emotional factors involved in a marriage and breakup. 

Once a cheater, always a cheater. 

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This thread is very sad.

Cheating for most people is a deal breaker in marriages and relationships. Staying with someone you can't trust because of what he has done may be futile and may eat away at you, especially if time goes on.

I knew someone who cheated on his wife with other woman, and in the end, he completely did not learn his lesson and still continued to do so years after. People who will have the willingness to cheat will almost never learn or change and the person does not respect your emotions. Sorry means only that he's sorry he got caught, not that he's truly sorry. If he was sorry, he would have never done this in the first place. 

It's up to you to stay or leave. 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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Sometimes in these situations you have to be blunt about how ridiculous emotional infidelity and possibly even sexual infidelity is. 

Ask him this question, is he an ape or a human? He should know the answer to that. Then, ask him what moral system he professes to believe in, Law of the Jungle type of sexuality or Islamic views on sexuality. If he does not know what "Law of the Jungle sexuality" means, ask him do Apes believe in marriage? Ask him do Apes believe in lowering one's gaze? Ask him do Apes believe in growing a relationship between a male and female Ape or do Apes just move on from one ape to the other in an attempt to procreate and satisfy one's basest desires, both emotionally and physically? He should have no issue in answering these questions.

Then, once he has answered these questions. Tell him to come clean with what he is doing or ask to see his phone. Tell him that he stands nothing to lose by giving your phone over to him as if he was not cheating on you either emotionally or physically then tell him to keep the above questions in mind when trying to remember that he and you are not only humans, but human muslims and that we believe in a certain way of life to keep us distinct from becoming Ape-like. However, if in your best judgement you conclude that he does not want to hand over his phone to you, (I assume he has full access to your phone, online life, and social life) then propose to him a hypothetical situation wherein a husband is secretly emotionally or physically or both cheating on his wife in a haram way( I am not talking about taking another wife as there is a halal way to do that and that entails not necessarily asking your first wife for permission but making sure that such an endeavor of yours will not cause emotional pain for your first wife, or if it might regardless of your efforts then the possibility of divorce might come up as she too reserves the right to not live in a marriage that causes her emotional pain) Say Bob is cheating on Jill with Linda. Tell him in this scenario how is Bob any different from say an Ape that moves from one female ape to the next in an attempt to please his carnal desires and possibly seek out some primitive animal-like form of emotional comfort? Don't let your husband come up with a snide remark. Suppose he claims that with Bob and Jill it's different and that Jill is not satisfying Bob emotionally and physically despite Jill having to take care of children. You can rebuttal back by saying that Apes think the same way, whenever they procreate with a female and said female is busy taking care of the male Ape's offspring then the male Ape will sense she does not have enough time and energy to dedicate to his needs and the male Ape's animalistic mind will not hesitate for a second to find another female Ape for him to meet his needs. Ask him once again, to come clean with what he might or might not be doing, and tell him for God's sake he is a human being and tell him to act like one. He is not an ape, at least I hope. Even if it's true that in regards to these situations it takes two to tango, tell him as a human being and as a muslim his response to these situations should be obvious. 

Again, if it does turn out he is more innocent than you thought tell him the above is still good food for thought and that both you and him ought to keep the above in mind every time the allure of Adultery tempts your husband. 

If it turns out your husband is more sinful than you thought. Tell him that no excuse he can muster up can save him from judgement of this major sin he is doing. If he cared about the relationship he would take proactive steps to ensure a healthy marriage with you. If he was concerned about sexuality in the marriage he would have tried to go the more professional route and consulted a couple's therapist with a muslim background about your situation and asked for advice on how intimacy can be accommodated in this situation. In case people reading this are wondering there are ways to accommodate sexuality even during pregnancy that can give the same satisfaction under a normal situation. Or, he could have obviously been able to tell that the stress of pregnancy and taking care of a child may be causing a resistance in you to appease his desires, of course with him taking the necessary steps towards proper foreplay with you to help ease you into the situation. He should have then attempted to relieve some of these burdens whether it's him deciding to work at home, or deciding to help take care of the child, or even something as simple has frequently dropping the child off to his grandparent's home or your parent's home should they live near you, or drop the child off at a friend who does not mind taking care of children, or even dropping the child off at a daycare or nursery. Also, maybe he could have used various ideas and techniques to soothe the pain a woman feels during pregnancy. He could consult yet another medical specialist to ask on how this should be done. He could have done all of this or more and maintained your marriage. But he did not do any of this, and again nothing excuses him from the animalistic sin he has done. 

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On ‎9‎/‎21‎/‎2017 at 11:24 PM, Miss Wonderful said:

cut him from any affection. ...    If he wants affection he has the mahram woman to talk to. Until he  gets himself together and clean his act up- ...

with:

10 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

This thread is very sad.

Cheating for most people is a deal breaker in marriages and relationships. Staying with someone you can't trust because of what he has done may be futile and may eat away at you, especially ...

It's up to you to stay or leave. 

l'II add this --in a socially, SC kind of way:

This is also a Public Health lssue.

Know what l mean?

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      And if a woman appoints a person as her representative to give something other than Mahr to her husband, so that he may divorce her, the representative should utter the name of that thing instead of the word "Mahraha" (her Mahr). For example, if the woman gives $500 he should say: bazalat khamsa mi'ati Dollar".   https://www.sistani.org/english/book/48/2361/
    • http://www.muslimpro.com/?date=&convention=Jafari&asrjuristic=Standard you can select other method of calculation based on your region & school of thought http://www.azangoo.com/DefaultLang.aspx its based on Jafari school of thought. for both of them you can find their apps on googleplay & appstore
    • https://www.waterstones.com/book/islamic-belief-system/mohammad-ali-shomali/9781904934233 the book is available on waterstones site but as i see the other site out of a copy   https://www.al-islam.org/media/islamic-belief-system-session-1 on this site is availabe as videos
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