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On 9/2/2017 at 4:52 PM, molaayi_from_lahore said:

I am 31, physically fit and healthy person (hint:6 packs), athletic body and , alhmadulillah a high above-average income. I am married for last 5 years. I want to do Muta for the below reasons:

1- very high sex drive

2- my wife has become very fat. at the time of our marriage she was 46 kilograms and now she is 88 KG. imagine my situation... the attraction is ENDED totally

3- My wife has some psychological issues as well due to which there are a lot of troubles.

4- many pretty girls keep proposing me and flirting with me due to my good looks and a good social status.

If i do Muta with someone and we feel compatible enough for each other I can convert it into a permanent one.

what are your thoughts and suggestions for me. Please do not recommend fasting. I know that already.

As members of this community pointed out. You are being quite arrogant and ignorant about many things. If one day (God forbidding) you become sick and bed-ridden, do you want your wife to kick you out? (means: divorce)? Or ignore you? Or stay away from you? Tell you how you have become a burden on her like you tell her "YOU HAVE BECOME OBESE AND SUCKING ON MY MONEY"?

Sure you have good looks, sure you're permitted to do mutah with someone else. But Islam also teaches us to be considerate of our actions and its consequences. Do you not think your wife will get even more depressed? And do you think that you will be able to hold a JUST conduct to both your wives (temporary or not)?

I honestly don't think that a man like you who cannot liken his wife at the time of hardships can give equal amount of time to both your wives, and be JUST (adil).

And from experience, I can say that don't say "She has psychological problems", go and FIX THEM! You don't know her side of the story, you're her husband! Help her! She needs you! Not a second wife! 

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13 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

That doesn't make any sense. One type of carnal desire is condemned but another type of desire is good

I hear you,but it's Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى, our creator who made the rules.We should trust him enough to follow the 'user manual' without questioning.

16 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

every time  a woman posts about abusive behavior of her husband and in-laws, people are quick to tell her she is doing gheebat.

I disagree,think women generally get more sympathy then men,but generally speaking no one should do gheebat and people should try to respond objectively.

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14 minutes ago, Zavon said:

As members of this community pointed out. You are being quite arrogant and ignorant about many things.

Zavon, the way I interpreted the opening post the OP is saying that: I am young, good looking and rich and hence more temptations come my way than the average man. I am at a risk of succumbing to those temptations. My wife isn't helping matters.Should I do mutah instead and falling into sin?  

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10 minutes ago, starlight said:

Zavon, the way I interpreted the opening post the OP is saying that: I am young, good looking and rich and hence more temptations come my way than the average man. I am at a risk of succumbing to those temptations. My wife isn't helping matters.Should I do mutah instead and falling into sin?  

On one side of the weighing scale I am putting his depressed wife, and on the other I am putting his sexual urges.

I deem taking care of wife more important than the other, as it, the depression and root of the problem, will only increase (most probably) if he goes for the latter.

Edit: I find root cause of the problem is: not him succumbing to sin, but instead is his wife. Others are allowed to view it the other way around.

Edited by Zavon

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4 minutes ago, Zavon said:

On one side of the weighing scale I am putting his depressed wife, and on the other I am putting his sexual urges.

I deem taking care of wife more important than the other, as it (the depression and root of the problem) will only increase (most probably) if he goes for the later.

His wife is clinically depressed? Where did he say that?? You need to read the thread again. 

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43 minutes ago, starlight said:

 

I am not saying men won't stray but then they would be the ones answerable.

If a woman becomes out of shape after the kids, she is answerable? As in, she is sinning for not being in good shape?

One of the reasons why we are to wear hijab is to not be thought of as sexual objects by men. Because are more than just our bodies.

I think the OP was never really in love with his wife and probably just lusted after her body/looks. A man who is truly in love would never want to leave his wife for a few pounds gained. That is incredibly arrogant. 

Imagine if a woman said the same thing: the outcry would have been horrendous. 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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2 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

think the OP was never really in love with his wife and probably just lusted after her body/looks. A man who is truly in love would never want to leave his wife for a few pounds gained. That is incredibly arrogant. 

Perhaps he is trapped in his "I". 

I have 6 packs, I am so attractive, I am tall, I am wealthy or I am earning above average etc. 

He must strive to come out of this jail and learn to live for others. And if he is in real need of 2nd marriage he should consider marrying with any widow.

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47 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

As in, she is sinning for not being in good shape?

No. But she would accountable of she isn't even trying to be attractive for her husband.

Attractive = not getting obese, dressing up for him,wearing make up and perfume, not turning him down if he wishes intimacy and not acting like a dead starfish in bed.

[Edit]40 kgs is almost 90lbs,far from 'few pounds'!!

[EDIT 2] we are asked to wear hijab to hide our beauty from na mehrams and save it only for our husband.

 

Edited by starlight

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11 minutes ago, starlight said:

Attractive = not getting obese, dressing up for him,wearing make up and perfume, not turning him down if he wishes intimacy and not acting like a dead starfish in bed.

I agree with your definition of attractive, however, a woman can do all these things, but a guy, such as the op, might not ever be appreciative of his wife regardless, because some guys, no matter what you do, are just entitled jerks. 

And it's harder for some than others to lose weight. My mom has given birth 3 times, my SO's mom, 7 times. Of course woman will not look the same as when they first got married. It's unrealistic to expect such a thing.

For myself, I won't want to become overweight even if I have kids, because I know how to control my intake. Not all woman can't though, and that's okay, just like all men can't.

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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7 hours ago, Fakeha said:

i have a question or suggestion i don't know!! 

What if your second wife became heavy after you guys settled down?? Will your heart be free for another one?? What about the third one?? Will it end somewhere??will you stop somewhere??

He can use the Trump formula. If you study his marital life, you will see that he has married a woman ten years younger than his previous wife. This he has done three times. In other words the average age of his wives has been more or less the same for as long as he has remained married to them. 

Some men don't like their wives to go past 40 even if they are themselves 70 plus, like Trump, and most probably have faulty plumbing.

The moral of the story seems to be is that if you can afford a younger wife without repercussions, what's stopping you from doing just the same?

From a theoretical Islamic perspective Trump is within his rights to have done so, except for boasting about grabbing sins on the way, which can't be justified.

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1 minute ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

I agree with your definition of attractive, however, a woman can do all these things, but a guy, such as the op, might not ever be appreciative of his wife regardless, because some guys, no matter what you do, are just entitled jerks. 

True, some men will never be appreciative of their wives. I am not sure if OP falls in the category,we don't have enough information. He did say he's nice and polite towards his wife and is generous with the money.

My point was woman should do their part,if the man is a philanderer he will be answerable.

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1 hour ago, starlight said:

True, some men will never be appreciative of their wives. I am not sure if OP falls in the category,we don't have enough information. He did say he's nice and polite towards his wife and is generous with the money.

He mentioned something to his wife along the lines of, "look what you've become." I'm not sure if you saw that or not.

Anyway, that's a terrible way to speak to one's spouse. He doesn't sound very polite or gentle. Maybe he thinks he's polite. Sounds like a lot of guys who just want to play victim.

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18 hours ago, Peace30 said:

You haven't actually addressed the issues I have previously underscored..! Repeating my argument back to me doesn't make the points you raise any more valid..

Perhaps if he examines the reasons why she has psychological problems, such as, oh, I don't know, because she could be DEPRESSED, or deeply unhappy within her marriage, or some other reason that we don't know about. Frankly, as her husband it is his duty to enquire and assist her with these needs, instead of just looking at how he can cast cast her to one side without any, seemingly, consideration towards her.

Further, I am abhorred at the level of mysogenistic comments arising from this post. 

Islam doesn't need reviving, but many Muslims clearly need to get in touch with the 21st century!

Please fee free to communicate to the moderators the feelings you are discussing. simply hit the report button and let them know. Upper right hand of the box. I did. saves a lot of searching for the moderators. :)

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I think both sides of the argument have merits if taken generally, but I'd like to say that we do not have sufficient info about this case to be able to proportion the blame on either of the party.

I also think the OP has not expressed himself clearly in this thread. His short and staccato sentences and sometimes insensitive diction does give the impression that he is either struggling or unwilling to communicate the full picture. This might be due to his lack of experience of writing on internet forums. Or maybe he is not practiced in using English to explain himself.

Furthermore, if a healthy woman becomes double her size in fives years, there is likely something more to it than meets the eye. This is clearly out of the ordinary and needs a fuller inquiry as to how - and why - it happened. 

The OP has implied she might have psychological problems. If that's true, nothing anyone says by way of advice would make any sense until and unless her mental health is addressed. Or she just might be extremely unhappy with her marriage and has "given up" on it. This opens a new dimension with new set of problems.

To sum it up, we just don't know what's going on with this couple. Mutah for this gentleman represents escape. No way this "solution" is going to fix anything between him and his wife. But I don't find it in his writings that he wants to help his relationship; it seems that he only wants to help himself. 

So help him God.

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4 minutes ago, Marbles said:

To sum it up, we just don't know what's going on with this couple. Mutah for this gentleman represents escape. No way this "solution" is going to fix anything between him and his wife. But I don't find it in his writings that he wants to help his relationship; it seems that he only wants to help himself. 

This all the way ^

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12 hours ago, molaayi_from_lahore said:

Why should I put myself in my wife's place. And why should I tell her? Women are emotionally pumped up in such situations and they won't easily allow their husbands to be shared with another woman. But men on the other hand are genetically programmed so that they are and can be at ease in romancing more than one woman. It is true and a fact. Allah the creator knows that.

As a psychiatric nurse  for many years, I find your attitude leaning towards arrogant and narrow-minded. I was the second wife of my present husband. He was able to meet the needs of his two wives. i would NOT allow him to spend more time than allowable with me- I was the younger wife, He had to divorce my sister wife. the mother of his four daughters, when she converted to Christian Mormonism. I evidently landed a better quality man. I was a widow at 28 years of age with 5 small children to feed: and he was man enough to take us on. I have gained weight over the years due to the many children I bore, including the one son my husband has with me. it is a natural occurrence.I have always earned more money than he has.Many  Nurses in the US make more than many doctors do in Pakistan sadly, and we have a higher status here. Funny thing is he lives in My house, so where in hadith or quran does that put a mans status?

Yes, Allah is All knowing, Creator of all things. He knows the nature of men such as yourself and knows sometimes they cannot be satisfied with the relationship with one woman.Al rasul Allah WAS was married to only one wife, Lady Khadija, until her death, and Commander of the Faithful IMAM Ali (RA)never married another wife Until after the death of Lady Fatima Zahra (AR) You can do as you wish, but if you are hurting your wife, the mother of your children in any manner; You know you cannot hide it from your Creator.  Prophet Muhammad WAS what quoted from many sources to state:"The best of you are those who are best to the women." (Sahih At-Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah and Al-Jami Al-Saker) Consider also the following:

"O you who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will, and you should not treat them with harshness, that you may take away part of the Mahr (dowry, bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) you have given them, unless they commit open illegal sexual intercourse. And live with them honorably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good." (An-Nisa’ 4:19)

Peace be to you brother, consult your marja about the rules of Muta'a marriage if your are shia, if your are Sunni as a born sunni turned shia I know its not permitted. please try to get more control over your nafs, and I believe there should be a mens only closed forum and a womens only closed forum to deal with these questions?

 

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I know what type of person OP is because my ex husband was from same city Lahore. If anyone asked him about me, I am sure he would describe me in exact same words. He wasn't so careful when he passed remarks at me in private. He didn't work because he belonged to a rich family. His only purpose in life was to work on his body and flirt with girls. I won't give any benefit of doubt to the OP. 

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28 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

I know what type of person OP is because my ex husband was from same city Lahore. If anyone asked him about me, I am sure he would describe me in exact same words. He wasn't so careful when he passed remarks at me in private. He didn't work because he belonged to a rich family. His only purpose in life was to work on his body and flirt with girls. I won't give any benefit of doubt to the OP. 

I agree with you sister. I have many friends here in USA with husbands from the same city, and some of them are exes also. I warn American converts against some of these men. Sad affair. The poorer man is a wiser choice.

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If it is Allahs will----I wouldn't marry one, but then i have the status of Khala----I may counsel whom I choose. And since my poor husband now has Alzheimers and is sleeping in the next room and sometimes  forgets who I am, I will be trolling....:pushup2::hahaha::clap:

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Wow. Didn't know Lahore had such a reputation in the world. It seems the city has an assembly line for producing rude boys full of bravado and machismo. I wonder if Lahore can beat Arab cities in an open competition. 

Who cares. I never liked Lahore anyway :dry:

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2 hours ago, Marbles said:

He can use the Trump formula. If you study his marital life, you will see that he has married a woman ten years younger than his previous wife. This he has done three times. In other words the average age of his wives has been more or less the same for as long as he has remained married to them. 

Some men don't like their wives to go past 40 even if they are themselves 70 plus, like Trump, and most probably have faulty plumbing.

The moral of the story seems to be is that if you can afford a younger wife without repercussions, what's stopping you from doing just the same?

From a theoretical Islamic perspective Trump is within his rights to have done so, except for boasting about grabbing sins on the way, which can't be justified.

Can't a younger woman become fat,chubby or unattractive or can have psychological issues?? :confused:

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1 hour ago, rkazmi33 said:

I know what type of person OP is because my ex husband was from same city Lahore. If anyone asked him about me, I am sure he would describe me in exact same words. He wasn't so careful when he passed remarks at me in private. He didn't work because he belonged to a rich family. His only purpose in life was to work on his body and flirt with girls. I won't give any benefit of doubt to the OP. 

That's why i asked him whether he belongs to our Lahore :D

I can easily recognize his colors :grin:

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2 minutes ago, Fakeha said:

Can't a younger woman become fat,chubby or unattractive or can have psychological issues?? :confused:

Yes, of course, it can happen. But I reckon the vibe and intent of my post has been mislaid!

Ah never mind.

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