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Saraharvey

Proposal, fear, uncertainty and doubts

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Asalaam Alaykum everyone,

I have previously posted on this forum about a guy who has recently proposen to me. After that post, my father invited him for a second meeting. We took a walk and chatted about our lives, personalities, goals etc. Again, he did not ask many questions about me. After our second meeting I talked to him on the phone and I asked again why he did not ask me many questions. He told me after meeting twice he is fine with me and accepts me as how I am. He seems a decent, nice guy; my parents, some of my sibblings like him and the istikhara outcome for him was 'very good'. 

I have been battling self low-esteem, social anxiety and depression for years. Alhamdullelah I feel very very much better and made a lot of progress. Because of my social anxiety and depression I have missed many opportunities in life. Now that I have gained a lot of confidence and feel energized, I like to work hard towards my goals which one of those is getting into university Inshallah. I love to travel, meet new people, experience new adventures and broaden my knowledge and  skills. It just happened now that this guy has proposen to me and I am not sure what to do. I do like to get married but I have this feeling I want to spent some time alone without any partner to develop my independency and most importantly my personality and identity. 

I dont know whether I should tell these to my suitor. If he could wait for me that would be great. Because he is a stranger I am not sure how he will take this. Its hard for me to trust people even telling them minor details of my life. I then fear he would not understand me or judge me. I am very open-minded but unfortunately not many people in muslim communities are like this. Things like mental health disorders are a taboo. 

Any good advice from those married or have/had similar experience(s) are welcome. Singles can reply too. By the way I am 25....

Thank you.

Sara

 

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3 hours ago, Saraharvey said:

Asalaam Alaykum everyone,

I have previously posted on this forum about a guy who has recently proposen to me. After that post, my father invited him for a second meeting. We took a walk and chatted about our lives, personalities, goals etc. Again, he did not ask many questions about me. After our second meeting I talked to him on the phone and I asked again why he did not ask me many questions. He told me after meeting twice he is fine with me and accepts me as how I am. He seems a decent, nice guy; my parents, some of my sibblings like him and the istikhara outcome for him was 'very good'. 

I have been battling self low-esteem, social anxiety and depression for years. Alhamdullelah I feel very very much better and made a lot of progress. Because of my social anxiety and depression I have missed many opportunities in life. Now that I have gained a lot of confidence and feel energized, I like to work hard towards my goals which one of those is getting into university Inshallah. I love to travel, meet new people, experience new adventures and broaden my knowledge and  skills. It just happened now that this guy has proposen to me and I am not sure what to do. I do like to get married but I have this feeling I want to spent some time alone without any partner to develop my independency and most importantly my personality and identity. 

I dont know whether I should tell these to my suitor. If he could wait for me that would be great. Because he is a stranger I am not sure how he will take this. Its hard for me to trust people even telling them minor details of my life. I then fear he would not understand me or judge me. I am very open-minded but unfortunately not many people in muslim communities are like this. Things like mental health disorders are a taboo. 

Any good advice from those married or have/had similar experience(s) are welcome. Singles can reply too. By the way I am 25....

Thank you.

Sara

 

Talk to him and be straight tell him that you want to continue your studies and you like to travel blah blah blah... and hope for a positive response. If he is a decent guy he wouldn't have any issues and you can both travel together and visit new places. 

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You should definitely wait. If you cannot say no, go for an engagement rather than nikah. I think that forced marriages are still uncommon among muslims in west, but once you do get married, you will be stuck for life. 

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On 8/23/2017 at 8:12 AM, Saraharvey said:

I have previously posted on this forum about a guy who has recently proposen to me. After that post, my father invited him for a second meeting. We took a walk and chatted about our lives, personalities, goals etc. Again, he did not ask many questions about me. After our second meeting I talked to him on the phone and I asked again why he did not ask me many questions. He told me after meeting twice he is fine with me and accepts me as how I am. He seems a decent, nice guy; my parents, some of my sibblings like him and the istikhara outcome for him was 'very good'. 

I have been battling self low-esteem, social anxiety and depression for years. Alhamdullelah I feel very very much better and made a lot of progress. Because of my social anxiety and depression I have missed many opportunities in life. Now that I have gained a lot of confidence and feel energized, I like to work hard towards my goals which one of those is getting into university Inshallah. I love to travel, meet new people, experience new adventures and broaden my knowledge and  skills. It just happened now that this guy has proposen to me and I am not sure what to do. I do like to get married but I have this feeling I want to spent some time alone without any partner to develop my independency and most importantly my personality and identity. 

I dont know whether I should tell these to my suitor. If he could wait for me that would be great. Because he is a stranger I am not sure how he will take this. Its hard for me to trust people even telling them minor details of my life. I then fear he would not understand me or judge me. I am very open-minded but unfortunately not many people in muslim communities are like this. Things like mental health disorders are a taboo. 

Any good advice from those married or have/had similar experience(s) are welcome. Singles can reply too. By the way I am 25....

Salaam sister,

I think you should avoid personal health details and just let him know you are not ready for marriage immediately. He will either respect this or walk away. Either way, you benefit from it.

You did mention "missed opportunities" so it is up to you if you are willing to take the chance that he might walk away because you are not ready.

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6 hours ago, Saraharvey said:

the istikhara outcome for him was 'very good'. 

very important to factor this into your decision. This is key.

6 hours ago, Saraharvey said:

I dont know whether I should tell these to my suitor.

Tell him everythig. Being open with him is very important. The more open and honest you are with him now will only lead to a stronger and more communicative relationship between you guys in the future. Many marriages fail due to poor communication.

6 hours ago, Saraharvey said:

Because he is a stranger I am not sure how he will take this. Its hard for me to trust people even telling them minor details of my life. I then fear he would not understand me or judge me. I am very open-minded but unfortunately not many people in muslim communities are like this.

See above about the Iskikhara coming back "very good". Either way this ends up it will be in your best interest. 

Be very honest and open with your suitor and tell him everything. Whatever comes out of that will be in your best interest.

6 hours ago, Saraharvey said:

I am very open-minded but unfortunately not many people in muslim communities are like this. Things like mental health disorders are a taboo. 

Ignorance regarding mental disorders is one of the cancers that is eating our Ummah from the inside out. Its nothing more than a degree of Jahaliya. I'm very Pro-treatment and diagnosis of Mental disorders regardless of how the ignorant and illiterate community feels about it due to their lack of knowledge. 

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2 hours ago, shiaman14 said:

Salaam sister,

I think you should avoid personal health details and just let him know you are not ready for marriage immediately. He will either respect this or walk away. Either way, you benefit from it.

You did mention "missed opportunities" so it is up to you if you are willing to take the chance that he might walk away because you are not ready.

Asalaam Alaykum Shiaman14,

I think your answer is more sensible :). I shoud  just be honest with him and tell him what I think, without disclosing my personal health details. This is a very sensitive subject. I cannot just put everything on the table because at the end of the day he is a stranger...

Sara

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