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Afsaneh14

sister getting married.. in a different way

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10 hours ago, Afsaneh14 said:

so is being gay not haram??? but then why can she not be i a relationship. does that mean she has to forever hold her desire. or does that mean she should still marry a man.

Yes, being gay is not haram as long as she never acts on those desires; 1.That is her jihad and she probably really was born this way, just that the alcohol and drugs are affecting and pushing her to transgress and see nothing wrong with her; You know that is not true and see her harming herself.

2. The UK has simply allowed and given her an outlet to explore what she probably kept bottled in all these years. Unfortunately, that outlet is haram and you also know that very well.

She should not marry a man because it will never be sincere, based on what you wrote. For her, it would simply be like living with a stranger and pretending to love that person. That is a lot of pressure and a recipe for disaster. That being said, my advice is going to sound contradictory but your sister needs a man but not in the form of a husband but someone can emphasize your rules and living conditions to her, in other words, you need a husband who can help you with your sister until she decides to move out.

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16 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

i dunno what you mean by normal but she has got bipolar. she also drinks A LOT . please do not judge her

I'm bipolar, and I'm normal. In fact, people are never able to tell I have this mental illness unless I tell them. Bipolar people act generally normal unless they are manic and their ideas are racing out of their mouths. 

Over 50% of Bipolar people deal with alcohol abuse as a way to numb their intense feelings and rollercoaster of emotions. 

For people who have never experienced the pain of being bipolar, you can't tell her to just stop drinking and expect her to stop. You need to help her feel understood and accepted by encouraging her to enroll in a 12-step program to recovery and sobriety. And then you can talk about religion. But if you talk about religion now, she might just grow to resent you. 

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10 hours ago, Laayla said:

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum

Your profile says that you live in London.  There are many outlets to help her.  I would not compromise my religion for a corrupted sister.  If she is living with you, you must be firm and tell her what you forbid in your house.  Homosexuality and alcohol. 

I would not be a doormat for a girl who doesn't respect herself. 

You can still maintain relations with her by calling her or meeting her up outside your home. 

Today she shows up drunk and tells you she is married and will bring her partner to your home next.  What next have them both for dinner and sing happy songs?

I'm sorry I can not tolerate such behavior.  If you were in Pakistan, maybe I would allow her to come to sleep instead of her being homeless, but in London she can go to many shelters where the law is on her side.

Almost everyone goes through tragedy, heartbreak, or has a sob story, doesn't mean they lose faith in God and do every major sin under the sky.  

Why doesn't she see you as an example of how you pulled through and was able to carry yourself with respect?  What about the thousands and thousands of orphans in Iraq, Lebanon, Afghanistan, Yemen and all across the world without parents?

Use the days she is staying with you to remind her about her behavior is haram and why she doesn't want to have Allah in her life.  Why?  There are many lectures on Youtube from Hassanain Rajabali to Khalil Jafar talking about life, trials and hardship.

Educate her about her major sins.  Does she believe in Day of Judgement and the Hereafter?

Explain to her about tawbah and to be sincere in asking forgiveness and God forgives all sins and she can start with a clean slate and all her past sins can be forgiven.  How does she want to live the rest of her life as an upright moral person of dignity or as an alcoholic homosexual undignified individual?

Find the reason of why she drinks.  She is hiding her problems or doesn't want to face them.  Why?  How does drinking help with anything?  Except to numb the feelings and forget for a few hours?  What's the point?  If she does alcohol, what prevents her from doing hard drugs later?  Maybe she does, and you don't know about it.

Talk to her and see why she is resorting this way. 

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

 

i understand what you are saying but it is so much more complicated. you cannot compare one person's story with another because every human is different and reacts to situations in different ways. also, my sis grew up here where there is so much haram influence, compared to the orphans in iraq/lebanon, so it's not fair to compare them to her.

and you just won't understand how hard it is to just tell your own sister to get out and see her go through this. of course, i am not allowing her to do anything of the sort, ever and i am sure she will be gracious enough to listen

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1 hour ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

I'm bipolar, and I'm normal. In fact, people are never able to tell I have this mental illness unless I tell them. Bipolar people act generally normal unless they are manic and their ideas are racing out of their mouths. 

Over 50% of Bipolar people deal with alcohol abuse as a way to numb their intense feelings and rollercoaster of emotions. 

For people who have never experienced the pain of being bipolar, you can't tell her to just stop drinking and expect her to stop. You need to help her feel understood and accepted by encouraging her to enroll in a 12-step program to recovery and sobriety. And then you can talk about religion. But if you talk about religion now, she might just grow to resent you. 

EXACTLY. thank you. it's so complicated, even we ourselves as bipolar patients don't understand it, so imagine trying to make people without people understand

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9 hours ago, Zavon said:

Assalamu'Alaikum.

I am saddened to know that this is happening to you sis. I hope this time of difficulty will pass soon too like the others (think of it as a test from Alah swt).

My suggestion to your circumstance is that you shouldn't touch the topic of her being gay as much as possible. Because I am sure she already feels pressured from her family and friends and the society. However, by that I don't mean that you should compromise in your Islamic beliefs and practices! You mustn't let her drink at home (at least try to prevent it), and bring her partner in there, etc!

What I think you should do at this moment is, ask her what is it that she doesn't like about Islam. Start from there, and tell her about the lives of our Imams and the mumineens who lived their lives while sacrificing so much. Clear her doubts, I think that should be your first priority. and do that by either dicussion or by showing how you yourself practice Islam and how it helps you.

Hope your sister gets guided back on track by Allah swt. (Ameen)

 

Sincerely,

Zavon

thanks so much bro. and yes i will try my hardest, inshaallah

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8 hours ago, notme said:

If she's mentally ill and alcoholic, can you compel her to get treatment? 

Other than that, give her your love without accommodating her poor choices. Don't allow her to bring alcohol, drugs, or sexual partners into your house. Require her to contribute to rent and household chores. Invite her to go places and do things with you, so that she sees that she doesn't need all these harmful things to have fun. 

It's not clear yet what causes people to have homosexual urges, but acting on those urges is definitely a choice. No matter, though, she feels that she can't control it so just don't let her bring it around, but accept and love her as a person anyway. 

yes i am just waiting for her to return from hospital. inshaallah then i will deal with her. jazakallah 

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6 hours ago, Sindbad05 said:

believe that you should ask your sister to go for gender reassignment surgery. She is physically ill. I believe that she should get fit to get married in a normal way.  And whosoever she marries, she must tell her about her previous surgery otherwise it will affect her marriage in future.

You can initiate fund raising campaign for it and I guess SC admin can also help in this regard by confirming your sister's problem and participants may give away whatever they can spend through a bank account or through Western un

noooooooo. she is definitely not male. no way. it's her sexuality she is saying, not her gender. she is as feminine as ever, from what i can tell and know. and i dont want anyone to give money to us, there is so many more important causes to fundraise. although i will have a discussion to her about this, in the future inshallah just to double check. but i pray this is not the case

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1 hour ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

you need a husband who can help you with your sister until she decides to move out.

with all that has happened over the years, marriage has never even crossed my mind, nor do i have any desire. I know from an Islamic perspective this is wrong, but it's just the way I have been brought up. Independence is all i know and so is living alone . I also have severe trust issues

however now i am thinking this could possibly be beneficial to my sister's development like u said....... anyone looking for a partner with severe mental health issues as well as one who lives with her equal mentally ill Gay sister..... hit me up lol

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1 hour ago, Afsaneh14 said:

noooooooo. she is definitely not male. no way. it's her sexuality she is saying, not her gender. she is as feminine as ever, from what i can tell and know. and i dont want anyone to give money to us, there is so many more important causes to fundraise. although i will have a discussion to her about this, in the future inshallah just to double check. but i pray this is not the case

then she is normal, Alhamdolilah, I thought if she is transgender, I am sorry. Then you need to give her time and she is just having trouble in her mind, always keep her busy and be strict on her as sister @notme has said. This is very wrong, really those people who are supporting such notions are purely satanic and like Imam Ali a.s said: "The youth is the easiest one to put into any mold". Say to your sister that these are just few donkeys who say you have such and such feelings like Samri Mage and you should not behave like those who were misled by such type of persons.

 

1 hour ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

That's only for transgendered people, brother. Not gay people.

I thought that may be she was male-trans-gender, I know that it is only for trans-gender. Really, I just misunderstood. I thought she is not normal. ,   

Edited by Sindbad05

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1 hour ago, Afsaneh14 said:

although i will have a discussion to her about this

Remember, gender reassignment surgery is for abnormal human beings.

Also in it, the permission is restricted to naturally assigned gender such as if there is biological male gender, it should be cured to remove his abnormality and if there is biological female, she should be cured to remove her abnormalities. Not to entirely change the gender for our brain sizes and kidneys and other internal structure would not allow it. Male brain is bigger and female is smaller and also hearts and kidneys are of variable sizes. 

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17 minutes ago, Sindbad05 said:

then she is normal, Alhamdolilah, I thought if she is transgender, I am sorry. Then you need to give her time and she is just having trouble in her mind, always keep her busy and be strict on her as sister @notme has said. This is very wrong, really those people who are supporting such notions are purely satanic and like Imam Ali a.s said: "The youth is the easiest one to put into any mold". Say to your sister that these are just few donkeys who say you have such and such feelings like Samri Mage and you should not behave like those who were misled by such type of persons.

 

I thought that may be she was male-trans-gender, I know that it is only for trans-gender. Really, I just misunderstood. I thought she is not normal. ,   

oh lol thank god i got slightly worried there thanks for clearing it :) 

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Salam

It's sad and I hope you can get through this.

One point I wanted to remind you of, was to be careful about the balance. Sometimes, being too kind is dangerous. Don't deprive her from basic needs, but don't give her green light for whatever she does. This only devastates your own life in long run.

Anyone goes through tragedies in life, it doesn't mean she has the right to  continually fight with everyone and everything, or constantly threaten others with suicide.

Don't let her discover how she can pressure you, like by suicide threat.

Your ultimate goal must be rehabilitating her, not pushing her more downward. I well know that cases and personalities are different and I can't be a judge for this case, but I have seen people (specially drug and alkohol addicted) who misuse the initial kindness of their relatives, and step by step, learn how to be more irresponsible, enjoy their own lives and make others' lives real hell. You must be careful.

May Allah Help you.

You can make Tawassul to Hadrat Ma'suma and Sukayna to help you and your sister, inshaAllah

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1 minute ago, mesbah said:

Salam

It's sad and I hope you can get through this.

One point I wanted to remind you of, was to be careful about the balance. Sometimes, being too kind is dangerous. Don't deprive her from basic needs, but don't give her green light for whatever she does. This only devastates your own life in long run.

Anyone goes through tragedies in life, it doesn't mean she has the right to  continually fight with everyone and everything, or constantly threaten others with suicide.

Don't let her discover how she can pressure you, like by suicide threat.

Your ultimate goal must be rehabilitating her, not pushing her more downward. I well know that cases and personalities are different and I can't be a judge for this case, but I have seen people (specially drug and alkohol addicted) who misuse the initial kindness of their relatives, and step by step, learn how to be more irresponsible, enjoy their own lives and make others' lives real hell. You must be careful.

May Allah Help you.

You can make Tawassul to Hadrat Ma'suma and Sukayna to help you and your sister, inshaAllah

jazakallah khayr. yes i will really try my hardest to keep this balance with the help of Allah. as for alcohol, she doesn't even have any money to buy it. Also she will have no choice but to obey me, otherwise she will have nowhere and no one 

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1 minute ago, Afsaneh14 said:

oh lol thank god i got slightly worried there thanks for clearing it :) 

Yeah, I actually have trouble in understanding gay and lesbian people, Their roots of such a false notion is based upon disabilities of trans-genders. But now there is no excuse remain to eliminate such a wrong notion as transgenders can be treated as well. And normal people cannot say we feel this and that. A person may undergo the feeling of get angry all times, it does not mean, he or she is right about that. Anger should be justified and also other feelings too.

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Just now, Afsaneh14 said:

You can make Tawassul to Hadrat Ma'suma and Sukayna to help you and your sister, inshaAllah

yes i have started a number of prayers and hajaats. i am also thinking of istikhara. one of my teachers in the local masjid is off to kerbala soon so i will also try and be brave and ask her to pray for us

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Just now, Afsaneh14 said:

exactly. that is the one thing that will never let me believe in homosexuality.

i do not why these dumb governments of Europe do not take actions again those who kidnap the minds of youth. Really, make cartoons of Prophets but do not put bar to those who are promoting indecencies in the world. May be they are promoting such false notions to control population and Allah AWJ will make it a terrible example for them. soon which are not understanding yet. 

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Just now, Sindbad05 said:

false notions to control population

yeah that would make sense. but at the same time they promote same sex marriage and then these people either adopt, and ironically reproduce with sperm banks and stuff like that

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1 minute ago, Afsaneh14 said:

yeah that would make sense. but at the same time they promote same sex marriage and then these people either adopt, and ironically reproduce with sperm banks and stuff like that

hmmmm, terrible ideologies. They are forcefully making people to bow to them  by brainwashing their brains and they are sitting like idols. This is the idolatry of 21st century. 

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guys, i actually  think my sister might be lying. i don't think she is even getting married. i mean, i know she has some sort of partner because i have been looking in her phone (i know, that is wrong, but o well) . there is a girl she is sending messages too but it just seems so one sided. my sis sends 15 paragraphs, she sends like one message back "k babe, luv u"

she doesn't have a ring or anything to prove

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1 minute ago, Sindbad05 said:

hmmmm, terrible ideologies. They are forcefully making people to bow to them  by brainwashing their brains and they are sitting like idols. This is the idolatry of 21st century. 

it''s compulsory to teach in schools. i think this must have had some sort of influence to her

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I think the best idea is like what sister @Islandsandmirrors said, to get her some sort of treatment. You can't handle this yourself, professional help is the best option. Do you have any other relatives which can talk to her? If they can convince her to get help/therapy, something like that its probably the best option.

Though I'll remember you in my duas for sure.

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1 minute ago, Afsaneh14 said:

it''s compulsory to teach in schools. i think this must have had some sort of influence to her

Definitely when there are things in school and such things are openly promoted in such country then it will definitely affects minds of the people. These things are of pornographic movies have affects different continents let alone the countries where they are not thought as wrong things.

There is no other door to seek refuge except Allah AWJ. The survival of youth is in Islam. 

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19 minutes ago, Mansur Bakhtiari said:

I think the best idea is like what sister @Islandsandmirrors said, to get her some sort of treatment. You can't handle this yourself, professional help is the best option. Do you have any other relatives which can talk to her? If they can convince her to get help/therapy, something like that its probably the best option.

Though I'll remember you in my duas for sure.

Yess she already is having pschiatry treatment. I met with her psychiatrist yesterday, as it turned out she herself has not been attending sessions. And just my luck this psychiatrist happens to be a lesbian herself- she told me about her partner, who went through something similar. So hooray ! Just wonderful

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