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Afsaneh14

sister getting married.. in a different way

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this is extremely hard and shameful to open up about but it is driving me absolutely mad. my only sister is having a gay marriage, and i have no idea what to do

when she was 9 our father passed away, and then we moved yo the UK. 4 years later our mother also passes away and we barely had any financial or emotional support. my sister was only 13 at the time. it affected her in the worst possible ways, to this day. she lost all faith in the world and rebelled in all ways. and now she is rebelling by doing this.

now i am stuck in the middle. The worst part is we come from an extremely conservative background; we are sayeds, well respected back home, two of my brothers and Father were shaheed in an Imambargah- you get the picture. The news is already spreading about it here, and it is only about time until my older brothers found out. My sister is only 19, and is unemployed. she depends on them financially but now, understandably they have cut her off. she has no money, her partner also comes from a conservative background and her parents are unaware, so she can't stay with her. I was her final resort. she came to me at 3 in the morning, almost blackout drunk and had taken an overdose.

what do i do? am i allowed to look after her? and what if my family fins out she is with me, i too will be disowned.

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Brother, have you talked to her about this? Ask her why she is doing this? Try to convince her that this is not the right path and God has created man for woman and its against nature. Try to consult with Moulana or psychiatrist. She is 19 so there is not a lot you could do and she is UK and she could do whatever she want. Gay marriage is not a taboo anymore. 

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2 minutes ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

Brother, have you talked to her about this? Ask her why she is doing this? Try to convince her that this is not the right path and God has created man for woman and its against nature. Try to consult with Moulana or psychiatrist. She is 19 so there is not a lot you could do and she is UK and she could do whatever she want. Gay marriage is not a taboo anymore. 

of course! i have talked about it to the point we have nearly killed each other fighting over the disagreements. she hates Islam. she wouldn't even consider seeing a maulana. She is already seeing a psychiatrist, but she is encouraging her . she is my only Sister. and i am also a girl, so if anyone finds out she is staying with me, i will be thrown into the mix.

i also can;t force her, otherwise i will be accused of being homophobic. in the UK, homophobia can cost your job

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Just now, Afsaneh14 said:

of course! i have talked about it to the point we have nearly killed each other fighting over the disagreements. she hates Islam. she wouldn't even consider seeing a maulana. She is already seeing a psychiatrist, but she is encouraging her . she is my only Sister. and i am also a girl, so if anyone finds out she is staying with me, i will be thrown into the mix.

i also can;t force her, otherwise i will be accused of being homophobic. in the UK, homophobia can cost your job

I am sorry you are going through this but i think its too late. I think you should be straight with her and say its ok you are staying with me but i will appreciate if you could find your own accommodation or if you wanna live with me you will have to follow my rules. 

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our responsibilities do not end just because our family member goes down the wrong path. It may even be right to say our responsibility increases even more towards them. 

Help your sister as best you can by being her sister. Inshallah when things get stable, then you can discuss Islam and other issues. Stabilize then improve.

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8 minutes ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

I am sorry you are going through this but i think its too late. I think you should be straight with her and say its ok you are staying with me but i will appreciate if you could find your own accommodation or if you wanna live with me you will have to follow my rules. 

yes we have already agreed on certain rules. but no matter how hard i try i wont be able to kick her out. she is my sister. we have seen the hardest of times together. right now she is in hospital treating overdose. health workers are depending on ME to look after her as i am the one who bought her to hospital, i'm her only contact at the moment. even then it will take ages for her to recover. after that she will have to look for a job ( she has no money, and i highly doubt she is eligible for government support) and she has no qualifications whatsoever.

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Just now, shiaman14 said:

our responsibilities do not end just because our family member goes down the wrong path. It may even be right to say our responsibility increases even more towards them. 

Help your sister as best you can by being her sister. Inshallah when things get stable, then you can discuss Islam and other issues. Stabilize then improve.

thank you so much brother. my biggest fear was that everyone would say to kick her out or judge me and her. i really will try. but i am just so confused. if my family find out i am looking after her i won't be able to even lift my head in front of them. I will either be accused of being a bad influence to her, as i am older, or being shameless for helping her.

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1 minute ago, Afsaneh14 said:

yes we have already agreed on certain rules. but no matter how hard i try i wont be able to kick her out. she is my sister. we have seen the hardest of times together. right now she is in hospital treating overdose. health workers are depending on ME to look after her as i am the one who bought her to hospital, i'm her only contact at the moment. even then it will take ages for her to recover. after that she will have to look for a job ( she has no money, and i highly doubt she is eligible for government support) and she has no qualifications whatsoever.

I agree its very hard to kick her out but you need to be little strict with her. Take care of her once she is ok ask her to find a job. 

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1 minute ago, Afsaneh14 said:

thank you so much brother. my biggest fear was that everyone would say to kick her out or judge me and her. i really will try. but i am just so confused. if my family find out i am looking after her i won't be able to even lift my head in front of them. I will either be accused of being a bad influence to her, as i am older, or being shameless for helping her.

I know its not an easy thing for you and you family should understand this. And you don't need to be afraid of anyone. You are not doing anything wrong you just can't let her die. May Allah never ever put any of us in this situation but it's easy to say leave your own blood than doing it.

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1 minute ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

I agree its very hard to kick her out but you need to be little strict with her. Take care of her once she is ok ask her to find a job. 

what do i do if she tries to kill herself again after i tell her to get out

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Just now, Ron_Burgundy said:

I know its not an easy thing for you and you family should understand this. And you don't need to be afraid of anyone. You are not doing anything wrong you just can't let her die. May Allah never ever put any of us in this situation but it's easy to say leave your own blood than doing it.

yes i just hope these people understand this and i don't get shot for honour killings (in a super extreme situation)

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1 minute ago, Afsaneh14 said:

what do i do if she tries to kill herself again after i tell her to get out

Oh daughter of Adam,

Am I not but a brother for the people in need,

It is their choice to let me appear for them,

Or should I leave and dissapoint them,

Nay!

Allah shall protect the soul,

The obedient and worshipping soul,

And death be to the soul of the Shaytan,

No mercy shall be upon it.

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Just now, Kazemi said:

Oh daughter of Adam,

Am I not but a brother for the people in need,

It is their choice to let me appear for them,

Or should I leave and dissapoint them,

Nay!

Allah shall protect the soul,

The obedient and worshipping soul,

And death be to the soul of the Shaytan,

No mercy shall be upon it.

indeed, but the bond of a blood relation is too strong. it's so difficult to just let go like that without trying. this can be preventable if i try. and the both of us could be on the correct path, inshaallah

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4 minutes ago, Afsaneh14 said:

what do i do if she tries to kill herself again after i tell her to get out

Let her recover first and thn you could talk. Things won't be easy but with discussion you can come to mutual understanding. Probably she needs love, make sure you tell her that you love her no matter what. And ask her why she wants to marry a woman?

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i do not think kicking her our or being harsh at this traumatic moment is a good idea. Rules are rules, but one must bend them to save life and look for a bright future. She is not a criminal, just someone who is psychologically damaged and perhaps looking for love in the places that religion does not agree upon. Educate but be firm with certain rules. No alcohol or gf at your place. Curfew rules, or sleep on the stairs. The objective is to ingrain responsibility towards a possible bright future with hope and life.

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1 minute ago, monad said:

i do not think kicking her our or being harsh at this traumatic moment is a good idea. Rules are rules, but one must bend them to save life and look for a bright future. She is not a criminal, just someone who is psychologically damaged and perhaps looking for love in the places that religion does not agree upon. Educate but be firm with certain rules. No alcohol or gf at your place. Curfew rules, or sleep on the stairs. The objective is to ingrain responsibility towards a possible bright future with hope and life.

yes alhumduillah we have already made a deal on these things, and i am sure inshaallah she will listen. i just hope Allah gives me the strength to show her enough love for her to recover.

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6 minutes ago, Afsaneh14 said:

what do i do if she tries to kill herself again after i tell her to get out

I think you should treat her root causes.  Bring islamic movies and ask her to watch along you such as about Imam Hussain a.s and tell her stories of people who faced troubles but didn't gave up religion and lost hope. 

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3 minutes ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

And ask her why she wants to marry a woman?

i made the stupid mistake of asking her in the back of an ambulance. then i asked her just today when she was sane. her answer was the same. the usual "this is me, it isn't a choice" and i just dont know what to say

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1 minute ago, Sindbad05 said:

I think you should treat her root causes.  Bring islamic movies and ask her to watch along you such as about Imam Hussain a.s and tell her stories of people who faced troubles but didn't gave up religion and lost hope. 

i really want to remind her of this so bad. i can't wait til muharram. Muharram, for both of us used to be an escape where nothing else in the world mattered apart from the gham of movla. however now, the name of religion makes her scream

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Just now, Afsaneh14 said:

i made the stupid mistake of asking her in the back of an ambulance. then i asked her just today when she was sane. her answer was the same. the usual "this is me, it isn't a choice" and i just dont know what to say

Say her, it isn't you, it's your disappointments which tell that you are a loser and can't fight it. Encourage her.

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2 minutes ago, Afsaneh14 said:

i made the stupid mistake of asking her in the back of an ambulance. then i asked her just today when she was sane. her answer was the same. the usual "this is me, it isn't a choice" and i just dont know what to say

You should have waited for a right time. And btw being gay is a choice. I am sure she is capable of having a baby. 

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1 minute ago, Sindbad05 said:

Get along her and occupy her time which you think are good and keep her away from bad things. Such as her hobbies may be travelling? 

lol with the money we have we can just about travel to the cornershop. and not afford anything there . but yes, i am thinking of things we did in our childhood

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8 minutes ago, Afsaneh14 said:

yes alhumduillah we have already made a deal on these things, and i am sure inshaallah she will listen. i just hope Allah gives me the strength to show her enough love for her to recover.

You shall be in our prayers every day,

Allah shall make you strong and powerful,your sister InshaAllah will be among the mumineen,the events you lived are very frustrating,All understand that.

May Allah guide us all,and may yoube the source of inspiration and guidance to your sister.

You will be in Allah's protection,inshaAllah.

:)  

Anything you need just tell us!

 

Edited by M.IB

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2 minutes ago, Afsaneh14 said:

i really want to remind her of this so bad. i can't wait til muharram. Muharram, for both of us used to be an escape where nothing else in the world mattered apart from the gham of movla. however now, the name of religion makes her scream

What brought her to this point?

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