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Christianlady

Christian Joke Thread

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Salam,

So, many Christians have a sense of humor. While I don't know who made up most of Christian jokes, I assume that both Christians and NonChristians add to the Christian joke selection.

Please feel free to contribute to the Christian joke pool.

While I don't agree with every joke, many are hilarious!!!

By the way, my ancestors include Methodists, and my grandparents and parents were Southern Baptists (NOT Westboro Baptists... I personally think Westboro Baptists are not true Christians or are disobedient and misguided Christians, and they're not funny one little bit. :(

Ok, on to the jokes! Here are some of my favorites! :) 

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, "Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
A little girl replied, "Because so many people are sleeping!"

A preacher noticed that a man had fallen asleep and was snoring loudly, so he interrupted his sermon to ask the man's wife to wake him up.
She answered indignantly, "You're the one who put him to sleep, so you wake him up!"

YOU MIGHT BE IN THE WRONG CHURCH IF ...
Most of its members can't pass through a metal detector because they're packing heat.
The charity budget just got cut for the sixth year in a row, but the evangelism and building programs are pushing ahead like gangbusters.
The offering plate instructions include: "Please make all checks payable to the pastor."

YOU MIGHT BE A SOUTHERN BAPTIST IF ...
You believe Jesus, the apostles and Hebrew prophets were conservatives, when they were actually bleeding-heart liberals.
You oppose Obamacare, when Jesus dispensed free healthcare everywhere he went.
You believe the Bible is "infallible" when Genesis says the earth existed before the stars, and that plants were created before the sun.
You believe the apostles spoke King James English.
You believe Jesus turned water into grape juice because that's what you drink at communion.
You clapped your hands in church and felt guilty about it for a week.

Why did the Baptist deliver a sermon at the local zoo?
Because he was a literalist and his Bible told him to preach the gospel to every living creature!

Why do Baptists object so strongly to pre-marital sex?
They're afraid it might lead to drinking and dancing.

"Welcome to heaven!" Saint Peter said. I give all newcomers a guided tour, so please follow me and be prepared to be amazed." Peter then led the new arrivals on a breathtaking tour of heaven, showing them everything from the streets of gold to the tree of life. Finally, he led them to a vast worship hall with numerous doors on either side. He opened one door to reveal people singing praises to God. "These are the Baptists." He then opened another door to reveal people praising God, lifting their hands and speaking in tongues. "These are the Pentecostals." Door by door, all earth's religions and sects were revealed. But approaching the last door, Peter made a shushing sign and whispered, "These souls are from the Churches of Christ; they think they’re the only ones here!"

At Sunday School the teacher was explaining how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when she described how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and she asked, "Johnny, what's the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"

http://www.thehypertexts.com/Best Religious Jokes.htm

:):):)

Peace and God bless you

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LOL!!! :)

I love these Catholic jokes!!!

A young priest was giving a lesson on the 23rd Psalm to the children in third grade.  He noticed that little Jimmy seemed upset with the verse, “Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life.”

So the priest asked him, “What’s wrong, Jimmy?”

Little Jimmy replied, “Well, I’m not too worried about the goodness and mercy part, but I’m not so sure that I would like Shirley following me around all the time.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A small parish suddenly stopped buying office supplies from it’s regular supplier.  So, the dealer called the pastor to ask him why.

“I’ll tell you why,” shouted the pastor.  “Our church ordered some pencils from you that we used in the pews for the new visitors to fill out their registration forms.”

“Well,” the dealer interrupted, “did you receive them on time?”

“Oh, we received them all right,” answered the pastor.  “You sent us 6 bundles of little pencils, and each one was stamped with the words:   Play Golf Next Sunday.”

http://www.acatholic.org/catholic-jokes/

 

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"A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. 
       
      The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" 
       
      My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" 
       
      He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Edited by LeftCoastMom

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