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Guest Afsheen

Re: Marriage issues

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Guest Afsheen

Asalamualaikom brothers and sisters. 
I have a dilemma which I have been facing since I have done nikkah with my husband which is from a period of 2 years. I am currently living in canada and my husband lives in pakistan. I have done nikkah with him but not rukhsati, which is known as the dismissal of the bride to her in laws home, or "wedding". When i visited pakistan 2 years ago for the nikkah I had no problems with my husband whereby my husband was very caring, loving and focused upon me. As a result, this overtime caused anger towards my mother in law and sister in laws who I have never wronged or made them sad for one second of my life. I have always loved and respected them more than my own mother and sisters. However gradually as my family and myself lived in their home during our stay in pakistan, I began to understand my mother in law and sister in laws frustration towards me which may have arised due to my husband's unintentional attention and focus on me. Initially I thought that the issue had arised due to my husband not marrying my mother in laws sisters daughter, and marrying me instead; I am from his fathers side. However gradually overtime and until today, I am very much confused.

 A few examples of such behaviours from my mother in law would be when my husband was not home my mother in law would be very rude and abrupt to me and complain to me which I accept from the whole of my heart that I would not contribute to the house work, or anything that I had bought my husband was terrible and of bad quality. However once my husband would come home no one would allow me to contribute to the housework whereby in front of my husband they would tell me not to do any housework at all as I am like their guest. This is the initial stage which had confused me. Whenever my husband and I were together they would call me with loving names and respect me much however once he was not in sight they would laugh at my poor ability to speak their language or even by sitting and standing. 

For our engagement, my mother and father paid for everything from the reception to the cake to the bridegrooms clothes and car for my husband as a engagement gift. Also, since the past years we were engaged I had provided my husband financially for everything that he required and also paid for all of his father and mothers new home in which they are living atm. Yet I am treated so poorly as though I have done something terrible to each of them, may Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì forgive me if I have ever done so. 

During my stay in pakistan, my husband was very loving and caring. However once I returned my husband had gradually turned against me. After a couple of months my husband had conducted surgery and I was unable to go to take care of him as my husband had advised me of his surgery one night before it was bound to happen and this was due to me contacting him after us not talking due to our arguments. This thereby caused anger towards my mother in law who had told me openly while I was on the phone to my husband that I am not doing my husbands service and that I am of no use if I can not come to take care of him. 

Also, my mother in law has been very well known for doing taweez and also being very abrupt to other family members. Recently she kicked her mother in law from her own home purely because she had advised my husband not to be rude towards me or listen to anyone and just to spend our lives happy without the waswas of others. Once my mother in law heard this she was unable to tolerate it and kicked her out. She always ill talks about me to other family members like my aunties and also falsely accuses me to my husband and says that my aunty said this and that about me. Recently she spoke to my mother on the phone and said my husband said to her that I am a mental individual who always fights and when my mother confronted my husband he denied that he said such a thing, and when my mother in law was asked she completely denied it and stated that my mother said that if he comes to canada, she will treat him badly.

So at this stage his visa is in process of getting accepted however now my husband hates me all of a sudden and does not want to spend his life with me anymore, he does not want to come to canada as his mother said that she will open a shop in pakistan for my husband to work and will never let him go and work as she can not tolerate him being ill treated by my mother, which my mother never said at all. 

Brothers and sisters as you can probably already tell I am quite upset and saddened as I have never done anything wrong to my in laws in which way they would have hatred towards me. For my nikkah, I did not have clothes for myself and my in laws did not provide for me but I paid for my mother in law and sister in laws dresses for that party and I had worn my clothes which were quite worn out. However when remembering Bibi Fatima A.S and Imam Ali A.S wedding story, my heart gathered patience as material things do not necessarily have any significance. 

Please advise me as to what to do at this point in time as my mother in law is ill-naming me and blaming me where my husband believes each and everything of her and always defends anyone else but me. It has been 6 months I have not spoken to my husband due to the blame my mother in law did upon my mum to shield her guilt and because I did not send him money for his sisters wedding. It is hard when  he is overseas and not with me at this point in time. Also is there any duas or anything that I can do at this point in time as I feel very lost and confused.  

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There seems to be a trend of utterly callous and cruel behaviour by mother-in-laws and sister-in-laws to newly married daughter in laws, and forgive me for saying, in the indo-pak communities in paticular [of which i am partly from].

Is it over protection from the mother?

Pathetic jealousy from sisters who can't handle their brothers legitimately devoting attention to another woman now?

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22 hours ago, Guest Guest Afsheen said:

Asalamualaikum sister and thankyou for your time in replying to my question,  I really honestly dont know. He has told me that hes not interested in me anymore since that phone call that his mother blamed my mum and now im just "in the air". And god forbid if something happens in between us I really dont know how I will cope as this will place a mark on my familys name and for myself in the community because ultimately seperation between husband and wife is not appreciated. Its really hard for me because at this point we are both long distance so I cant express my feelings to him. Hes just changed so quickly and abruptly and all he worries about is his mother and sister where he doesnt remember me anymore. Its like im dead to him.  And the level of sadness I have at the moment is great!

Well i'll tell you something, the only thing which is making you continue is the society, and tbh thats insane. Because deep down inside you, you know very well that you dont deserve that treatment and you should know that no woman on this earth deserve to be treated like that. So you have two options, either you would break the norms and ask for divorce and in this case you'll see the real him and how he is like.

OR you continue with him being treated like that and noone can even help you from your family nor his family, you'll all be alone with him, and God only knows what would he do to you and what would his mother do to you, Probably abused or something. 

Just remember one thing, you really deserve to be with someone better than that and you really deserve to be happy, divorce isnt the end of the world, divorce is way better than being miserable and abused. So yeah the choice is yours. I'm just showing you how things are.

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Your husband was nice to you in the beginning of marriage because you gifted him a car. The only way to keep such people happy is to keep giving them money. You will give them gift and they will be nice to you for few months or years depending upon how big is the gift. After that, they will go back to their old habits. I will not tell you to get a divorce but you should stop his citizenship process. Unfortunately, in Pakistan, generosity and humbleness is considered a sign of weakness. If you want to follow example of Hazrat Fatima (A.S.) I suggest you should go help someone who really deserves your help and who will appreciate your help. Go to the local shelter and help those people. Black magic is also becoming very common. If you suspect, then contact some aalim and ask him to do some amal for you. Be careful though, if the aalim keeps asking you for money, don't give him too much money. You should also go for ziyarat and give money to poor people there. I had the same problems, and everyone told me that all problems will be solved once I start living with my husband. But the truth is, it only got worse and he even turned my own family against me.

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Guest Guest Afsheen

Thankyou sister. I really dont know what to do its been so many months since we have not spoken, it was his birthday last week and I wished him happy birthday however he did not respond. I feel alone and so confused. 

How did you handle the situation and to this date? If there is any advice you could give me it would be great! 

On 13/04/2017 at 3:21 AM, rkazmi33 said:

Your husband was nice to you in the beginning of marriage because you gifted him a car. The only way to keep such people happy is to keep giving them money. You will give them gift and they will be nice to you for few months or years depending upon how big is the gift. After that, they will go back to their old habits. I will not tell you to get a divorce but you should stop his citizenship process. Unfortunately, in Pakistan, generosity and humbleness is considered a sign of weakness. If you want to follow example of Hazrat Fatima (A.S.) I suggest you should go help someone who really deserves your help and who will appreciate your help. Go to the local shelter and help those people. Black magic is also becoming very common. If you suspect, then contact some aalim and ask him to do some amal for you. Be careful though, if the aalim keeps asking you for money, don't give him too much money. You should also go for ziyarat and give money to poor people there. I had the same problems, and everyone told me that all problems will be solved once I start living with my husband. But the truth is, it only got worse and he even turned my own family against me.

 

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On 13/04/2017 at 2:51 AM, Fatimahlover said:

I'm really sorry to say it, but if thats how are things going before you even move with him, What would be done to you when you move with him? 

 

Asalamualaikum sister and thankyou for your time in replying to my question,  I really honestly dont know. He has told me that hes not interested in me anymore since that phone call that his mother blamed my mum and now im just "in the air". And god forbid if something happens in between us I really dont know how I will cope as this will place a mark on my familys name and for myself in the community because ultimately seperation between husband and wife is not appreciated. Its really hard for me because at this point we are both long distance so I cant express my feelings to him. Hes just changed so quickly and abruptly and all he worries about is his mother and sister where he doesnt remember me anymore. Its like im dead to him.  And the level of sadness I have at the moment is great!

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On 12/04/2017 at 11:40 PM, QuranandAhlulbayt said:

There seems to be a trend of utterly callous and cruel behaviour by mother-in-laws and sister-in-laws to newly married daughter in laws, and forgive me for saying, in the indo-pak communities in paticular [of which i am partly from].

Is it over protection from the mother?

Pathetic jealousy from sisters who can't handle their brothers legitimately devoting attention to another woman now?

Asalamualikum and thankyou for taking the time in answering my question. I really appreciate it. 

To be honest I really dont know. I have told my husband at the beginning of marriage to always focus on his mothers sisters and family to not forget about them even though I've just come into his life but I  didnt know at that point in time that it would lead to him hating me. 

If only you knew the level of patience I have had with the mother and sister may Allah swt forgive them for their wrongdoings or mine if I have ever wronged them. I have never uttered a word against  them to my husband and hope never to do so and I think that they are taking advantage of this to talk against me to my husband knowing that my husband will believe them and that I will not say anything. Everything is just building up now and I dont know how to cope

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On April 23, 2017 at 7:07 AM, Guest Guest Afsheen said:

Thankyou sister. I really dont know what to do its been so many months since we have not spoken, it was his birthday last week and I wished him happy birthday however he did not respond. I feel alone and so confused. 

How did you handle the situation and to this date? If there is any advice you could give me it would be great! 

 

How did I handle the situation? I went for ziyarat, and it improved situation for few months. After 2 years, I gave up and started praying to Allah to send him away. After few months, I was able to get civil divorce and he went back to Pakistan. After one year, I was able to get islamic divorce. Since then, I thank Allah everyday. I am surprised that I didn't get any taunts from community regarding my divorce. 

My advice for you is if you can, stop his citizenship process. If he is willing to give you divorce, don't try to reconcile. I have seen and heard too many horror stories. If you have kids, it will be impossible to get a divorce and no one from your community or family will come to your help. Don't ruin your life for this unislamic culture. 

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Guest Afsheen
23 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

How did I handle the situation? I went for ziyarat, and it improved situation for few months. After 2 years, I gave up and started praying to Allah to send him away. After few months, I was able to get civil divorce and he went back to Pakistan. After one year, I was able to get islamic divorce. Since then, I thank Allah everyday. I am surprised that I didn't get any taunts from community regarding my divorce. 

My advice for you is if you can, stop his citizenship process. If he is willing to give you divorce, don't try to reconcile. I have seen and heard too many horror stories. If you have kids, it will be impossible to get a divorce and no one from your community or family will come to your help. Don't ruin your life for this unislamic culture. 

Sister I acknowledge your words and advice however I just cant bring myself to have a divorce.  I feel like I won't be able to get married to another individual only because I would be previously divorced and people will question the type of person I am. At the moment I think he is under taweez by his mother which has made me completely against me where the mother is willing to open a business for him in Pakistan and said she will not let him come to Canada under any circumstances. My only issue is the constant arguments arising by his sisters over anything to badname me and my mother in law doing taweez and backbiting to him against me. If anyone in our family says a word about me that I did this or that it will take him 0.5 seconds to agree with them and take their side. However if I simply say something like the sisters havent contacted me in a long time or what not he will flip and say that I have to contact them not them contact me. I really dont know what he wants to achieve I mean ofcourse without a doubt as a girl who is brought up on shia values and teachings alhamdulillah the last thing i want to do is be disrespectful or disobedient towards his family but in spite of doing so much things for them for which Allah swt is all knowing they still continously blame me and make false allegations to make my husband against me which obviously is working

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On April 25, 2017 at 9:03 PM, Guest Afsheen said:

Sister I acknowledge your words and advice however I just cant bring myself to have a divorce.  I feel like I won't be able to get married to another individual only because I would be previously divorced and people will question the type of person I am. At the moment I think he is under taweez by his mother which has made me completely against me where the mother is willing to open a business for him in Pakistan and said she will not let him come to Canada under any circumstances. My only issue is the constant arguments arising by his sisters over anything to badname me and my mother in law doing taweez and backbiting to him against me. If anyone in our family says a word about me that I did this or that it will take him 0.5 seconds to agree with them and take their side. However if I simply say something like the sisters havent contacted me in a long time or what not he will flip and say that I have to contact them not them contact me. I really dont know what he wants to achieve I mean ofcourse without a doubt as a girl who is brought up on shia values and teachings alhamdulillah the last thing i want to do is be disrespectful or disobedient towards his family but in spite of doing so much things for them for which Allah swt is all knowing they still continously blame me and make false allegations to make my husband against me which obviously is working

What can I say sister? These are the problems which are faced by 90% of women after marriage. All these notions that you cannot get married after 30 or you cannot get married again if you get divorced, these are all myths. If you have wealth and citizenship, you CAN get married again. But the end result will be similar to your first marriage. Your intentions are really good but you are wasting your efforts on wrong people who will never appreciate your goodness. 

Do you know if your husband is also involved in magic? I have heard that people who do magic are not able to have kids, if they have kids, their kids die or their kids are usually disabled. That's why there are many people who have long lines of proposals waiting for them, but they never get married and they keep making excuses like '' I cannot find the right person''. Anyway, a person who gets involved in magic is no longer a Muslim. So you should really make sure they are not involved in magic because you wouldn't want to marry into a non-Muslim family. 

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@rkazmi33 A woman CAN get married after 30 even without wealth and a citizenship and have a good life unlike her first marriage. Allah ISN'T unfair. There is no rule in Allah's world that says a poor divorced single mother is destined to be this way for the rest of her life.  

OP,  things are as clear as day in front of you.Think of it as a blessing that he showed his true colours now and not after you had moved in with him. If you want to continue please be prepared to deal with him and his family for the rest of your life. 

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Salaam Afsheen,

I don't know your full situation, but based on what you have written, in my opinion, he is certainly not acting like a good husband, or even simply a good person.

Don't stay with him just because you are concerned you won't be able to get married again.  There are matchmaking sites like ShiaMatch where you can see there are divorced guys on there, and I have seen some of them specifically say they are looking for a woman who is divorced, because they feel they would have more understanding of each other's situation.

Whether your marriage can be fixed, I don't know (the fact that he is not even responding to you is troubling), it seems close to impossible based on what you have written, because of his behaviour and his family.  

But don't stay with him just because you think you can't find someone else... you can.
 

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10 hours ago, starlight said:

@rkazmi33 A woman CAN get married after 30 even without wealth and a citizenship and have a good life unlike her first marriage. Allah ISN'T unfair. There is no rule in Allah's world that says a poor divorced single mother is destined to be this way for the rest of 

I also said that 'it will end like your first marriage'. You have to offer citizenship so that someone will get married to you, and then you have to give his family money after every six months or a year so that he stays with you. A poor single divorced mother wouldn't want to be in that situation. No woman would want to be in that situation. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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Guest Afsheen
On 28/04/2017 at 9:28 PM, Guest Guest said:

Salaam Afsheen,

I don't know your full situation, but based on what you have written, in my opinion, he is certainly not acting like a good husband, or even simply a good person.

Don't stay with him just because you are concerned you won't be able to get married again.  There are matchmaking sites like ShiaMatch where you can see there are divorced guys on there, and I have seen some of them specifically say they are looking for a woman who is divorced, because they feel they would have more understanding of each other's situation.

Whether your marriage can be fixed, I don't know (the fact that he is not even responding to you is troubling), it seems close to impossible based on what you have written, because of his behaviour and his family.  

But don't stay with him just because you think you can't find someone else... you can.
 

Walikumasalam and thankyou for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. Well you see, I dont know why but I feel like my husband is really badly influenced by his sisters and mother because they are constantly with him whereas I am far away from him so they have a chance to ill talk to him about me may Allah SWT forgive them and because I never brought out their faults to my husband during my stay there. The thing is he is soo focused on his family that sometimes I wonder why he committed to get married with me? He constantly talked about how he wanted to make his brother and sister successful and live happy married lives and that they would be his main focus compared to his own kids. These taken into consideration, I think he is mentally influenced by the sisters and mother and thats why he hates me all of a sudden. When I was there he was gentle and humble however as soon as I returned things turned for worse. The mother always makes stories about me that I should come and do my husbands service and if I dont im of no use. Everytime my husband and I would have a argument they would always be the first to know and control what we should do simply because he would sit with his family and tell them everything I did wrong. He is also very very disrespectful to my family particularly my mother and sister whereby I am not allowed to even look up to his sister or mother. So I really dont know what to do at this point.

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