P. Ease

Did our parents fail?

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With all these masturbation topics in the brother's forum and all the posts that I've been reading, I can only conclude one thing; the right of the child, set by the Prophet (saws), to get married as early as possible isn't facilitated by the parents. I've read more than one hadith where the Imam (as) says that a father's duty is to teach his children the Quran and to have him/her married as soon as sexual desires come.

What are your thoughts on this?

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I guess it depends, some kids suffer with masturbation and pornography abuse and they are as young as 9 or 10. Of course a parent can do all they can to protect their kids from that but in this day and age its so difficult to be immune to it. 

hayaah likes this

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33, unmarried. 

In a way I do blame my parents, but at the same time, I know that they tried their best. I cant hate them or call them failures or bad people because they are not - they raised me a shia, an azadar, a (sort of) decent person, educated me, looked after me. my heaven lies under my mothers feet, shall I tell her that she failed me? no man. 

it sucks so much being unmarried. especially when I see every single - I do mean every single - one of my friends married mashaAllah with 2 or 3 kids each. last month my friend had twin boys. over the years I went from being something to laugh at "oh hahahaha when is DU getting married" whenever we would meet up as a group from whatever circle of friends I was part of (school, uni, neighbours, hussainia, work, gym etc) to slowly fading to no one wanting to mention it when we got together. I am now that awkward topic of conversation. 

my biggest desire since I was in my mid 20s was to be married, everyone gets lonely. everyone wants a companion. but Allah had other plans. this isnt a case of success or failure in my mind. its just that all of us have to face our own tests. mine is that I never found a wife. Im too old now to realistically find any girl who is unmarried before, but its fine in my mind to marry a divorcee/ widow. I would even be completely fine being a stepdad. 

in terms of my parents failure, or zulm against me that they allowed me to reach this point, I have forgiven them for the sake of Allah. right now I am just focusing on myself to improve myself as much as I can. if there is no offspring written for me, then I will adopt as many orphans as I can, and give them all the love that they would get from 1000 parents.  

alHussein, notme, starlight and 8 others like this

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Sometimes parents try their hardest to facilitate marriage, but ultimately it's up to the child to take matters in their own hands, especially the older they get. It can't be a passive process, with the expectation it falls into ones lap easily; only some are successful with that dice roll. 

hayaah likes this

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Majority of parents don't think raising a child is a huge Islamic responsibilty, specially fathers responsibility. They just have kids on grounds of emotion. Hence the state of our world.

Pretty much the focus of parents when raising a child is not much different than the animal kingdom, maybe even worse.

Just feed the child and leave the child to be raised by school, and just some entertainment. Not beyond that, and this is considered a good parent from a world point of view.

Edited by certainclarity
P. Ease, Al Hadi, starlight and 1 other like this

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Look, don't blame your parents. 

If you were born to poor and barely literate parents who worked hard to put food on the table and shelter over your head, would you blame them for not providing you with a top rate education? So why blame them for your marriage difficulties? They grew up in a time when things were different from how they are now. 

You are an adult. Take responsibility for your own life. (This isn't addressed to anyone in particular.) If your parents had gone against laws and modern conventions and had you married when you were still a child, would you blame them for that? It seems to me they can't win, they can only do their best. 

So chin up, buttercup. Time to be a grown up and do grown up things. If you want to marry, you're going to have to find someone who wants to marry you. And if it isn't written for you, you can still thank Allah and thank your parents for all the blessings you've been given. 

 

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This is 21st century and i think a kid knows everything about sex and how you produce babies. But you can't marry a 12 year old kid who is going to give him their daughter? Things have been changed now you need to have some decent education a secure future to get married. So stop blaming parents bro. 

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28 minutes ago, notme said:

You are an adult. Take responsibility for your own life. (This isn't addressed to anyone in particular.) If your parents had gone against laws and modern conventions and had you married when you were still a child, would you blame them for that? It seems to me they can't win, they can only do their best. 

I think the "C" word is responsible for a lot of the problems - Culture. 

in theory, yes, we all should just make ourselves attractive enough to find a partner, then carry out our will and marry them no matter who says what. 

in reality - not so much. never mind other things, most muslims are still caught up in the caste/ race system that parents prevent the wedding, and because their kids are often too young/ inexperienced to assert themselves in front of their parents/family/community, they end up losing. thats my experience of the world anyway.

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If anyone has failed us, its the sheikhs.

Being a sheikh of a masjid is not a small responsibility, it is a huge one, the masjid is not just a place you go to pray at, it is supposed to be the center of many social things.

Too bad, islam has such potential if its done right, iA one day I will be able to help people get married.

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37 minutes ago, IbnSina said:

If anyone has failed us, its the sheikhs.

Being a sheikh of a masjid is not a small responsibility, it is a huge one, the masjid is not just a place you go to pray at, it is supposed to be the center of many social things.

Too bad, islam has such potential if its done right, iA one day I will be able to help people get married.

What social things? Sermons and lectures? Islamic studies? Qur'an recitation? What else?

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5 hours ago, zainabamy said:

I guess it depends, some kids suffer with masturbation and pornography abuse and they are as young as 9 or 10. Of course a parent can do all they can to protect their kids from that but in this day and age its so difficult to be immune to it. 

It's very possible and not as hard as you think. I have read many books and articles on this.You can read some interesting ones here

http://fightthenewdrug.org/

this thing is not as powerful as people think if we actually try our best this problem could be done with and 9 or 10 is terrible cause the average a few years ago was 11! That means it's getting worse. It makes sense parents give kids iPads and leave them with it this is not going to be good cause a good number of exposure to porn is on accident for the first time.

Anyways we shouldn't give up and we should try and research to protect our kids from such harmful sins.

Edited by Al Hadi
000 likes this

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21 minutes ago, E.L King said:

What social things? Sermons and lectures? Islamic studies? Qur'an recitation? What else?

to get married, etc etc

Edited by 000

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1 hour ago, IbnSina said:

If anyone has failed us, its the sheikhs.

Being a sheikh of a masjid is not a small responsibility, it is a huge one, the masjid is not just a place you go to pray at, it is supposed to be the center of many social things.

Too bad, islam has such potential if its done right, iA one day I will be able to help people get married.

Inshallah I hope you do bro

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25 minutes ago, 000 said:

to get married, etc etc

How can that happen in a Mosque?

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Just now, E.L King said:

How can that happen in a Mosque?

Easy he lectures about it and pushes for it in his lectures like sheikh hamza sodagar and some others.

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Just now, Al Hadi said:

Easy he lectures about it and pushes for it in his lectures like sheikh hamza sodagar and some others.

A lot of Shaykhs already do lectures about marriage.

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1 minute ago, E.L King said:

How can that happen in a Mosque?

It only can happen if muslim community in that mosque is tightly-knitted. Not just a mosque that had been built only by money.

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Just now, 000 said:

It only can happen if muslim community in that mosque is tightly-knitted. Not just a mosque that had been built only by money.

So what is exactly the process? 

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Just now, E.L King said:

So what is exactly the process? 

The existence of the thing that more important the physical material... like The Mosque should be built by the spirit that we need to be united in the way of Islam.

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Just now, 000 said:

The existence of the thing that more important the physical material... like The Mosque should be built by the spirit that we need to be united in the way of Islam.

I am asking about the specific topic. Other than lectures about marriage, how can a Mosque help people get married?

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Just now, E.L King said:

I am asking about the specific topic. Other than lectures about marriage, how can a Mosque help people get married?

 

In the old days, it is normal to have wedding ceremony at the mosque.

Al Hadi likes this

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Just now, 000 said:

 

In the old days, it is normal to have wedding ceremony at the mosque.

So that is going to help people get married?

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Just now, E.L King said:

So that is going to help people get married?

v

v

v

11 minutes ago, 000 said:

It only can happen if muslim community in that mosque is tightly-knitted. Not just a mosque that had been built only by money.

 

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Just now, 000 said:

v

v

v

 

Even if the community is tightly knitted, how does that mean the Mosque becomes a place which can help brothers get married?

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Just now, E.L King said:

Even if the community is tightly knitted, how does that mean the Mosque becomes a place which can help brothers get married?

Many possible ways... If that is the case, the sheikh can take active role in matchmaking spouse.

Al Hadi likes this

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8 hours ago, P. Ease said:

With all these masturbation topics in the brother's forum and all the posts that I've been reading, I can only conclude one thing; the right of the child, set by the Prophet (saws), to get married as early as possible isn't facilitated by the parents. I've read more than one hadith where the Imam (as) says that a father's duty is to teach his children the Quran and to have him/her married as soon as sexual desires come.

What are your thoughts on this?

Indeed they are responsible, but overall, it's our social norms and the very society that has led to it.. it's just not our parents, they are as much responsible as our overall society is. 

Marriage has become a more of an economic issue than a matrimonial one., and collectively whole of the society is responsible for it. I meant all boys/girls even here in Pakistan dating... even Hijabies one too. And they wont just get them married.... "let them study .. let them build a career first ... and so on'.

Edited by ErikCartman
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3 hours ago, notme said:

Look, don't blame your parents. 

If you were born to poor and barely literate parents who worked hard to put food on the table and shelter over your head, would you blame them for not providing you with a top rate education? So why blame them for your marriage difficulties? They grew up in a time when things were different from how they are now. 

This would depend on the level of intelligence and the atmosphere the parent is raised, plus whether they think and act wisely or not.

Lets not even use the word parent. Just lets use the expression" a person who wants something, and that something is a child."


When you want something you take full responsibility to take care of it, and since a child is a living being with a mind and body, both needs should be addressed properly with extreme care from the start, specially by educated parents.

An illitrate , poor villager person who has a child probably has done his/her best for the child by just feeding and giving him acedamic education.

On the other hand a person who has been exposed to so much content on psychology, and child rearing and has the time to read and enhance and correct their way, if he/she doesn't, is being irresponsible.

The issue is most of us do not REFLECT if we are wrong. We continue with how we were raised and pass on the same errors to our children and say they tried their best!

This is not the best! This is repeating the errors in myself the BEST possible way and injecting it to my child.

So basically most people who wanted a child tried their best to pass on the wrong ideas they think is right!

That is why Imam Ali says deal with your children in a different manner as THEIR time is different than yours. It does not say vice versa.

To offsprings it says deal with your parents with kindness and respect.

To parents he teaching them how to raise them.

That doesnt mean a child should dump all the fault on the parent, once the child becomes AWARE of the parents mistakes on how they raised them, and take full responsibiltiy from then onwards, to fix the errors and misconceptions.


This means taking full control of your life, and one of the things inlife which we encounter may be marriage.

So from the time a child when becomes an adult should take matters in their hands from then onwards,whether your parents agree with your final decision or not, after consulting with WISE people. Which not necessarily will be the parents, and not to get caught up in emotional BLACK mail of parents because you go against their will, when God has given you freedom of choice. ( Emotional black mailing by parents is a sick Asian mentality, specially when they bring God into the picture to dictate their wish over their childs reasonable choice. It is alot less prevalent in western society fortunately )

Hence the child who is adult enough should make the decision and do whats the wisest, according to the awareness he/she has gathered. If the parents are not happy with the childs decision its their problem then.

God does not act based on our emotional response. He acknowledges what is wise, whether you are a parent or a child.

Edited by certainclarity
notme, P. Ease and Hashasheen217 like this

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38 minutes ago, E.L King said:

I am asking about the specific topic. Other than lectures about marriage, how can a Mosque help people get married?

Collect profiles and applications for those who are interested in finding someone, and facilitate meetings if a good match is possible. 

IbnSina and notme like this

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6 hours ago, DigitalUmmah said:

33, unmarried. 

In a way I do blame my parents, but at the same time, I know that they tried their best. I cant hate them or call them failures or bad people because they are not - they raised me a shia, an azadar, a (sort of) decent person, educated me, looked after me. my heaven lies under my mothers feet, shall I tell her that she failed me? no man. 

it sucks so much being unmarried. especially when I see every single - I do mean every single - one of my friends married mashaAllah with 2 or 3 kids each. last month my friend had twin boys. over the years I went from being something to laugh at "oh hahahaha when is DU getting married" whenever we would meet up as a group from whatever circle of friends I was part of (school, uni, neighbours, hussainia, work, gym etc) to slowly fading to no one wanting to mention it when we got together. I am now that awkward topic of conversation. 

my biggest desire since I was in my mid 20s was to be married, everyone gets lonely. everyone wants a companion. but Allah had other plans. this isnt a case of success or failure in my mind. its just that all of us have to face our own tests. mine is that I never found a wife. Im too old now to realistically find any girl who is unmarried before, but its fine in my mind to marry a divorcee/ widow. I would even be completely fine being a stepdad. 

 

Inshallah you do get married sooner or later.

33 isn't too old in my opinion. Just think about it, having children at lets say in your later 30s, its not much of a problem. I know many people around me who are like that.

You are still young my friend! Never give up hope and maybe within the coming years, Allah might reward you with the best wife, as a reward for your long years of patience.

wasalam

DigitalUmmah and Al Hadi like this

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