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Alsalam alaikum and Eid Mubarak.

 

I noticed something this Eid. What I noticed is that I can't feel happy. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. That is because of my sins. A history of bullying and abuse were a factor, I think, in me making bad decisions throughout my life. I would sin and then regret it and do sincere taubah. However, I just go to another sin. Then I regret doing it and stop, but I'll move on to another sin. And so on. It reached a point where my faith just hit a really point and I was just praying because I was used to it. My heart couldn't take the state I was in, so I made a sincere effort to stop all sins and improve my faith. Now, alhamdu lillah, I am what you might call a serious muslim. HOWEVER, I still can't get over the fact that I was in such a depressing state before. It keeps on haunting me. I have had a few life-or-death situations happen to me recently and people would just tell me that Allah kept you safe from danger. I do believe that Allah kept me safe from any harm, but I feel like I don't deserve it and would rather just die. Visiting my family and seeing them all happy doesn't make me happy anymore and I feel lost.

 

I'm really sorry for posting something so depressing on happy days, but I just can't help this feeling I have.

 

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3 hours ago, Mohammed Z said:

but I feel like I don't deserve it and would rather just die. Visiting my family and seeing them all happy doesn't make me happy anymore and I feel lost.

Salam and Eid Mubarak. Please don't think such negative thoughts that you don't deserve to be happy. Your regret from past sins shows that you made tawba. Repentance means to ask Allah's forgiveness and then know in your heart that He forgives. Do positive things for yourself and for others. You have so many things you can do, that other people cannot: read, write, study, talk, draw, etc. Do the things that you can, to your ability. If you do the best you can, then you have done your best. Yes, Allah saved you and you are breathing the air He created for you. He loves you and wants you to do good.

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salam.alaikum brother and eid mub 2 u too,

do not dwell in the past nor in the future. if you can, google "the power of now" by eckhart tolle. do read that book. and hey! congratulations on steering yourself back on siraat e mustaqeem. without Allah's help, it would never have been possible. keep er steady brother and get er done. 

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4 hours ago, Mohammed Z said:

Alsalam alaikum and Eid Mubarak.

 

I noticed something this Eid. What I noticed is that I can't feel happy. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. That is because of my sins. A history of bullying and abuse were a factor, I think, in me making bad decisions throughout my life. I would sin and then regret it and do sincere taubah. However, I just go to another sin. Then I regret doing it and stop, but I'll move on to another sin. And so on. It reached a point where my faith just hit a really point and I was just praying because I was used to it. My heart couldn't take the state I was in, so I made a sincere effort to stop all sins and improve my faith. Now, alhamdu lillah, I am what you might call a serious muslim. HOWEVER, I still can't get over the fact that I was in such a depressing state before. It keeps on haunting me. I have had a few life-or-death situations happen to me recently and people would just tell me that Allah kept you safe from danger. I do believe that Allah kept me safe from any harm, but I feel like I don't deserve it and would rather just die. Visiting my family and seeing them all happy doesn't make me happy anymore and I feel lost.

 

I'm really sorry for posting something so depressing on happy days, but I just can't help this feeling I have.

 

Salaamu alaykum brother,

I know exactly how you feel. That's why I posted a 2000 word comprehensive guide on this subject on my blog. The link was in another thread, perhaps you did not see.

Hope this helps brother, inshaAllah! I'd appreciate any likes/shares/subscriptions.

 

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10 hours ago, Mohammed Z said:

Alsalam alaikum and Eid Mubarak.

 

I noticed something this Eid. What I noticed is that I can't feel happy. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. That is because of my sins. A history of bullying and abuse were a factor, I think, in me making bad decisions throughout my life. I would sin and then regret it and do sincere taubah. However, I just go to another sin. Then I regret doing it and stop, but I'll move on to another sin. And so on. It reached a point where my faith just hit a really point and I was just praying because I was used to it. My heart couldn't take the state I was in, so I made a sincere effort to stop all sins and improve my faith. Now, alhamdu lillah, I am what you might call a serious muslim. HOWEVER, I still can't get over the fact that I was in such a depressing state before. It keeps on haunting me. I have had a few life-or-death situations happen to me recently and people would just tell me that Allah kept you safe from danger. I do believe that Allah kept me safe from any harm, but I feel like I don't deserve it and would rather just die. Visiting my family and seeing them all happy doesn't make me happy anymore and I feel lost.

 

I'm really sorry for posting something so depressing on happy days, but I just can't help this feeling I have.

 

Salamun alaykum and happy Eid!

You are right! Real Eid is the day when Allah (swt) is not disobeyed as Imam Ali (as) says:

وَ قَالَ ع فِي بَعْضِ الْأَعْيَادِ إِنَّمَا هُوَ عِيدٌ لِمَنْ قَبِلَ اللَّهُ صِيَامَهُ وَ شَكَرَ قِيَامَهُ وَ كُلُّ يَوْمٍ لَا يُعْصَى اللَّهُ فِيهِ فَهُوَ عِيدٌ


(on a day of Eid): Today is the Eid for whom Allah has accepted his/her fating and appreciated his/her standing for worship. Indeed, every day when Allah (SWT) is not disobeyed is a day of Eid".

wise saying 428 in Nahj al-Balaghah

But your feeling of sorrow after sincere repentance is not justified. When you regret from the sins immediately you are forgiven provided that you make up the violated rights of people and missed obligations. So I call this feeling of yours a Satanic one. I hope you are not offended. What I mean is that one of the traps of Satan is to make people disappointed from the Mercy of Allah (SWT). So, when Allah promises that He loves the repentant ones then there is no room for such feelings.

Be hopeful of the Mercy and blessings of Allah (SWT) and as the narrations say, you should regard the day you repent from all your sins as the day you are born. Absolutely pure!

Finally let me share a related narration from Imam Baqir (as):

التَّائِبُ مِنَ الذَّنْبِ كَمَنْ لَا ذَنْبَ لَه‏

"The one who repents from his/her sins ij just like the one who has commited no sin".

Al-Kafi, 2: 435

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