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Marriage; Before And After

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Salam,

Okay so taking inspiration from a post on another topic I thought I would start a separate thread which might prove helpful for the unmarried brothers and sisters.

I want the married brothers and sisters to tell us:

1. How long he or she has been married? If they don't want to state the exact time they can just state the approx duration for eg less than a year, between 2-5 yrs, around 10 years etc.

2. What were their ideas, images and thoughts about their marriage and ideal life partner BEFORE marriage.

3. Did they above change after marriage? If yes please explain how.

Thank you :)

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Assalaam.

I have been married 10 years ago in my early age, after my mother's death no female was there in our home ! My brothers and i used to do work of house after studies, there was/is maid but she was not a good cook, so i used to cook before and after my mother's death ! And after her death i used to sleep at graveyard or used to sit there for long hours ! So: my father arranged my marriage with my cousin and told me. I rejected but he said its my orders iam not asking you ! I simply lower my head and said as you pleases. And we get married Alhamdulillah. But we dont have time for each other now ! She used to be buzy & i used to be buzy with my trading salah zikr studies etc; & at forum too ! But alhamdulillah life never stops it goes on :-).

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I was married 11 years. Before, do something "normal". After, I realized I am unhappy being married --and a lot poorer.

Probably the "wrong" person. Although we had 5 arguments our first two years, we never had "a fight'.

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I was married 11 years. Before, do something "normal". After, I realized I am unhappy being married --and a lot poorer.

Probably the "wrong" person. Although we had 5 arguments our first two years, we never had "a fight'.

 

The "a lot poorer" is what scares me the most.

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The "a lot poorer" is what scares me the most.

There is more to wealth than money. A wife won't necessarily cost much more than yourself, but children are expensive. But the rewards are beyond monetary wealth.

I was married twice before. My first husband, before I was Muslim, went crazy and was sent off to mental hospital. My second husband was a "good, well educated Syed shia man". Ha! Actually he was too stupid to know what he had, and he left us living in dire poverty while he pursued superfluous degrees and plastic surgery.

So I figured marriage wasn't for me, it wasn't worth the trouble, and I was too terrible a judge of character to risk it again. Then I met my husband. We are the best of friends, and I trust him completely. He's good at a lot of the things I don't know how to do, so we do well together taking care of a house and car. He's pretty good with kids too.

As for spirituality, I have someone I can discuss with. Neither of us is the most religiously knowledgeable in the world, but we both enjoy pulling out the books (or search engines) for a good, informative debate.

There is no perfect person. Marriage requires both people to listen, care, work, compromise. If marriage diminishes you, you are doing it wrong. It should make you strive to be more than you were before.

Honestly, before I was ever married, I never thought about marriage. I was raised to be very self sufficient, and it just never occurred to me that anyone was missing. Now I'd be missing a huge part of myself if my husband disappeared.

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I've been married collectively for over 40 years to all my permanent wives and if I include the mutah marriages would equate to about 50 + years .

I wanted to serve my :Imam atf. by raising a family of many believing momins to be amongst his 313 , and I chose my wives for this purpose. I chose certain races with certain dispositions in order to mix DNAs and produce unique kids with admirable qualities. At the age of 16 I had put a detailed plan together in achieving this, and at the age of 21 I set out to achieve this. I tried to live a "normal " life in society but when you think like the way I think, have many wives and have serious goals to serve :Al-Hujjat atf , you are often outcasted from society. ( or from SC)

Now We live a simple life far away from any communities and most of the time in isolation, except when i travel for business, this is sometimes difficult for some of the wives and kids as some have more sociable type personalities.

I have learnt much from marriage and I can never remember a time in my life when one of my wives were not present to experience the gifts and blessings bestowed to us from :Allah swt.

I consider myself as very unique, unusual and very eccentric and I realise I'm a difficult husband to live with. I have achieved what most cannot due to my unique abilities, I have met the most interesting and most powerful people on this planet and was witness to things that most of you could never imagine , and my wives were present during these times and witnessed my achievements in life. I pray that we as a family will be together when we meet our :Al-hujjat atf inshallah. This is the promise i have made to my wives in our marriage, and inshallah they will see it come to pass.

Edited by :Sami II

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Married for about 14 years with kids.

Before: I thought of marriage as the most romantic of things. Had always idealized company of a wife and kids and thought everything would be breeze. I kept myself virgin for my wife and never contracted Mutah even though I sometimes needed it badly. Again I was a hopeless romantic so to say.

After: Reality hit as marriage is a full time job in making it successful with serious, I really mean serious efforts.

I had a via family arranged marriage so did not connect with my wife mentally for a long time but we always gave each other space and time to learn and reconcile.

My wife is the most wonderful of perpsns that I could have found on my own. We both love each other so deeply that we have a serious pact to ask for each other in the hereafter again and make occasional dua for it in our wajib salat.

That being said, we had our share of bitter fights, to the extent that we won't talk to each other for hours or till next morning, never more than 12 hours or so though. The core of our fights were mostly around our biological needs, her coming from a conservative mindset and me from a totally opposite cultural upbringing. The solution that in all honesty saved our marriage and makes us fall in love with each other everyday, even after kids and their responsibilities, is the beautiful institution of Mutah. Yes I contracted a few Mutah after my permanent marriage, actually started believing in the truth and need of Mutah only after I lived and stayed in permanent marriage. She never knew or in my opinion does not need to know that I have done so. End result is, me doing so has removed huge burden off of my wife's shoulder as I can concentrate on her and our kids according to the way she is happy with.

Overall I would say Allah swt has blessed me immensely after marriage. We can not count the amount of blessings that we experience both outwardly and internally in our household thanks to our very blissful and successful marriage. Like I said, I would not want anybody else as my permanent wife other than her ever. You talk about movies kind of love, that's what we have between us Alhamdolillah. Needless to say, my marriage has a big part in making me a religious and thankful person that I feel I'm striving to be as I find new wisdom and purity in our Shia faith every new day.

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Yes dear brother/sister, you are right. I never contract aqd muta with anybody other than Shia Muslim ladies. Learning the rules of Mutah years ago was partly the reason I got convinced that ours is the true faith of the truthful prophet (pbuh). I also am thankful for all contributors on Shia chat's past and present for their various posts which came up on all Google / yahoo searches on the topic of Mutah. I don't know about others but learning Shia Islamic ways have saved me and my family from various pitfalls and bad consequences had we chose ways other than shia Islam.

Thanks for mentioning Sistani. I also follow him but have taken advice from others in certain cases as well such as Fadlullah and Shirazi in the past. For marriage rules though, they all are exactly same.

As far as the rule you mentioned above, it is a great deterrent from any married man to become over indulgent, because nafs after all tries to play games on ones self.

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4Question: A Muslim couple got separated for a long time. Is it permissible for him to marry, temporarily or permanently, a woman from Ahlul Kitab without the knowledge of his Muslim wife? Is it permissible for him to marry, with the permission of his Muslim wife?

Answer: For a Muslim man to marry a woman from Ahlul Kitab permanently is against the compulsory precaution in any circumstance. And his temporary marriage to a Jewish or a Christian woman is allowed, only if he is not already married to a Muslim wife. If he has a Muslim wife, temporary marriage with an Ahlul Kitab woman is not permissible without her consent; nay, even with her consent, it is not permissible, based on compulsory precaution.

e. It has just been mentioned that to temporary marry an Ahlul Kitab woman while one has a Muslim wife is not permissible [as a matter of compulsary precaution].

http://www.sistani.org/english/qa/01245/

?.

^ I hope the women you did Mutah with were ahle kitab and not Muslims,since it is not permissible to do Mutah with an ahle kitab woman whilst married permanently to a Muslim woman (according to Sistani)

Edit: **were Muslims and not ahle kitab**

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Thank you both starlight and mina313. I've replied earlier but I guess the post is waiting moderator's approval. But yes, to reiterate, I followed all rules keeping myself close to the mustahib and avoiding makrooh such as with ahlulkitab after consent. I would never ask such things from my wife. I know she will not approve or agree.

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Alhumdulillah, marriage is amazing, but in a different way than I imagined. I thought marriage would be a magical state in which life would be amazing. Life still goes on, whether or not you are married; the daily ups and downs of life still occur. For all of you hormone-crazed single people (I used to be like that too, lol)-- intimacy isn't even the biggest part of marriage! It's only a small part; I realized after marriage that it is so much more than just the physical aspect. Marriage is so much deeper than that.

 

I personally think it is morally reprehensible to do mutah without the wife's permission. I can't imagine what she must go through to find out that her husband cheated on her.

 

Let's say the shoe was on the other foot. What if I, as the wife, felt like my husband wasn't meeting my biological needs? What recourse would I have? How would it be fair for me not to have the option of mutah but for men in the exact same shoes to have that option? 

Edited by BabyBeaverIsAKit

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.Let's say the shoe was on the other foot. What if I, as the wife, felt like my husband wasn't meeting my biological needs? What recourse would I have? How would it be fair for me not to have the option of mutah but for men in the exact same shoes to have that option? 

 

Divorce him and find someone that does.

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Let's say the shoe was on the other foot. What if I, as the wife, felt like my husband wasn't meeting my biological needs? What recourse would I have? How would it be fair for me not to have the option of mutah but for men in the exact same shoes to have that option? 

 

Your only choice is divorce. That is probably the reason for at least 50% of divorces initiated by women.

Edited by Rashida

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I have been married to my wife (yes wife singular for all those who are assuming, lol) for more than 13 years. We have three boys, 12, 10, and 9. We have a wonderful marriage and we are still best friends. We have arguments from time to time but manage to resolve them quickly.

The reason our marriage has worked is only for one reason, that we are both deeply committed to our religion, Islam, and to following teachings of 

Ahl al Bayt(a.s) as much as we can. 

 

Age, race, mutual interest, culture, syed/non syed, looks, national origin, etc have nothing to do with a sucessful marriage. 

 

The key to a sucessful marriage is 

1) Commitment to religion and striving to be a better person(ie. more practicing Islam) today than you were yesterday. 

2) Mutual respect and trust. 

3) Being open and honest with your spouse. 

 

 

 

 

If  both have those three components, marriage will be sucessful, if these are not there, then the marriage is in trouble, imo. 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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(salam)

I've been married for about 5 years now, and have 2 daughters (one is almost 2 years, and the other is almost 6 months). I didn't really have too many expectations before marriage, I wasn't really getting married because I was desperate or anything. At the time I had personally decided that I would move to Qom for studies a few years down the line, so almost every decision I was making in life at the time was to ensure that the move was comfortable. Some of the scholars had suggested that being married in Qom is better than coming single. So marriage was just one of those decisions I made (I wanted to move to the city married, rather than single). At the time when I got married, I was basically finishing off my university and about to enter the work-force, so thought, since I'm going to get married one day anyways, might as well get it over with now. Of course when I had decided to get married, I didn't just start going for any single lady just for the sake of marriage. I tried to ensure that I found a compatible match and all the other things that are recommended to look for in a spouse. Alhamdolillah, my wife and I were very compatible. I had a bit of a laid back personality (I hated drama in life, whether it be in families, high school, university, mosque etc. I believed people would waste their lives in these self-constructed issues), and was happy to find that she was fine with that and I think I may have even influenced her as well over the time. My biggest fear was a materialistic woman, which she was not. Our relationship has been great, with really no serious argument or conflict, and I think the reason for that is what Br. Abu Hadi has said above (i.e. commitment to religion and being transparent with each other).

 

So laid-back is our relationship that we have often forgotten our anniversary date as well  :lol: (one of the years, our cousin reminded us by randomly asking us what we did on our anniversary, and we realized it was like 20 days ago and neither of us cared enough to remember). Neither of us care too much about these dates and days (birthdays, anniversaries etc.). However with children now, most of our attention is towards them and ensuring they have a good upbringing and they do take up a lot of time and energy from us (obviously, much more from the mother).

 

Some things I do want to mention (especially for those who are single), is that marriage as an institution is a serious responsibility and can also get tiring. There are sacrifices and compromises that need to be made based upon mutual respect and understanding. I would also agree with BabyBeaverIsAKit that intimacy (although extremely important) isn't the biggest part of marriage, there is a lot more to marriage than just that. Also after getting married, it has become a lot more difficult for me to see husbands who are abusive and disrespectful towards their wives (especially those who are mothers) - I think it takes a lot of soul-lessness to behave that way towards one's spouse.

 

Wassalam

Edited by Ibn al-Hussain

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Same for me.  I don't know how much longer I'll be waiting, or whether I can handle it, but after reading numerous stories about how difficult married life is, maybe its a blessing I'm not married yet, since I probably would have messed it up.  God must not think I'm ready, and doesn't want to burden me with this test at this time. 

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