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Parents Making Me Feel Like A Burden


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#1 LZAA

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 01:03 PM

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I have a problem with my parents. They always make me feel like a burden. I am 23 years old and have gotten a few proposals for years now but they reject the idea of me getting married while I feel that I am ready for marriage and have recently let them know that which resulted in them being mad at me. They reject the idea of marriage yet everywhere they go and who ever they talk to they say that I am holding them back from travelling and moving to live back home. They tell people they are waiting to see what happens with me. It is quite embaressing, people even ask why I'm not getting married or why no one is proposing to me. But that is NOT the case. What do I do? It hurts me when they talk that way and makes me feel very unwanted. Mostly it makes me angry because they are making me look bad infront of the whole community. After the last proposal someone came up to me and told me that I have to stop rejecting people because no one will ever come to me thinking that I am difficult. The thing is I never get to meet these people that purpose to me because as soon as they open the topic with either of my parents they tell them they dont have time for them to come over.
My question is what do I do to stop this from happening? Just this morning my mother told me that her and my father had a conversation about where they would keep me because they both wanted to go back home. Telling me that because of me they can't do what they want to do.
They reject all proposals but go around telling everyone that I am holding them back and they are waiting to see what happens with me. What does that even mean?
How do i respond to the people that approach me and ask why I'm not getting married?

Edited by LZAA, 06 December 2012 - 01:11 PM.


#2 kim.tinkerbell

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 02:34 PM

Your parents dont want you to leave them by the sound of it. Its not right for the parents to reject the person before getting your consent that you dont want to get married. Its haram on them for lying at people and blaming it on you. What you can do is confrant them and tell them what their doing is wrong, if they dont listen and keep on saying the same thing ,infront of people then tell the truth.

Its sad that some parents are the ones that dont care or take into account what the child wants. Your nisabb can go if your parents continue with this approach,rejecting people without even meeting them.

Your parents need a wake up call, maybe you should tell a member or relative that you can trust about the situation, get a person that can influence them.

Its pathitic that some parents stand in the way of their children, there the ones that are meant to want the best for you but sadly this doesnt apply to all.
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#3 LZAA

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 02:53 PM

Your parents dont want you to leave them by the sound of it. Its not right for the parents to reject the person before getting your consent that you dont want to get married. Its haram on them for lying at people and blaming it on you. What you can do is confrant them and tell them what their doing is wrong, if they dont listen and keep on saying the same thing ,infront of people then tell the truth.

Its sad that some parents are the ones that dont care or take into account what the child wants. Your nisabb can go if your parents continue with this approach,rejecting people without even meeting them.

Your parents need a wake up call, maybe you should tell a member or relative that you can trust about the situation, get a person that can influence them.

Its pathitic that some parents stand in the way of their children, there the ones that are meant to want the best for you but sadly this doesnt apply to all.


I have actully told my mom she needs to stop saying that stuff, her reply: "has anyone even come for you to say that?"
She denies there have been proposals.
As for speaking to someone to talk to them. I have to my sister which resulted in my father not speaking to me.
I know it is haram for me to be angry at my parents or look down on them but honestly I don't know what to do. I feel like they are runing my life. What will happen to me once Allah takes his amana?

Edited by LZAA, 06 December 2012 - 03:10 PM.


#4 kim.tinkerbell

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 03:15 PM

Are you the last child? You wornit get punished I believe because its your parents that are holding you back and not saying the truth. It must be extermly fustrating for you because you have to answer people. Do the know what their doing is going against shir3 Allah? You need to ask someone that is around your father or mother age so the message get to them or even a sayid.

Are you 100% sure that they have rejected people that propersed to you. I dont understand why your mother would deny the fact that you got a purposel. They dont seem to want to let go of you, you should tell them what their doing is stopping you from getting married and if they continue you will be with them for life and they worint be able to go back home and god will punish them for it, but say it in the nicested way possible.

Allah hu 3liam but maybe they have someone for you but their waiting for them to purpose.

#5 silvercrest

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 03:42 PM

But why they are rejecting proposals if they consider you a burden. Btw parents say sometimes things they don't really mean.

#6 LZAA

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 04:12 PM

Are you 100% sure that they have rejected people that propersed to you. I dont understand why your mother would deny the fact that you got a purposel. They dont seem to want to let go of you, you should tell them what their doing is stopping you from getting married and if they continue you will be with them for life and they worint be able to go back home and god will punish them for it, but say it in the nicested way possible.


I am their last child.
I am 100% sure because I always hear them telling one another when someone has approached them but they do not tell me about it directly. My own brother told me that I am getting proposals but assumed I was the one who did not want to get married. Also, I've had people come up to me and say "oh I heard you rejected this proposal too, thats too bad"
She denies it because she doesn't know I know about them.

But why they are rejecting proposals if they consider you a burden. Btw parents say sometimes things they don't really mean.

It is true that not only parents but everyone says things they don't always mean but to repeat something over and over again is unacceptable and shows that it is meant.

I am a religious girl that attends the Masjid regularly and am the head of the volunteers for the women's section. I am afraid this will effect me and my beliefs.

#7 kim.tinkerbell

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 04:48 PM

Tell your brother, maybe he can help you.

I am unsure of what you can do, maybe you should speak to a sayid. May god sahil your situation so you can get married, ameen ya rab.

#8 Haydar Husayn

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 04:54 PM

Any idea why your parents are rejecting these proposals?

#9 LZAA

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 05:04 PM

Tell your brother, maybe he can help you.

I am unsure of what you can do, maybe you should speak to a sayid. May god sahil your situation so you can get married, ameen ya rab.


Thank you for your help.

Any idea why your parents are rejecting these proposals?


No, and I can't say they thought it was best because of who the people were because they never knew them. As soon as the topic is brought up they say no. They never give it a chance.

I don't think it's the not getting married part that is bothering me as much as them making me feel like I am holding them back by saying these things to people.

#10 Haydar Husayn

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 05:18 PM

Why don't you just ask them why they won't get you married off so that they can go back home without you holding them back? Are they looking for someone for you?

#11 mun3t

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 05:25 PM

S/A

I have a problem with my parents. They always make me feel like a burden. I am 23 years old and have gotten a few proposals for years now but they reject the idea of me getting married while I feel that I am ready for marriage and have recently let them know that which resulted in them being mad at me. They reject the idea of marriage yet everywhere they go and who ever they talk to they say that I am holding them back from travelling and moving to live back home. They tell people they are waiting to see what happens with me. It is quite embaressing, people even ask why I'm not getting married or why no one is proposing to me. But that is NOT the case. What do I do? It hurts me when they talk that way and makes me feel very unwanted. Mostly it makes me angry because they are making me look bad infront of the whole community. After the last proposal someone came up to me and told me that I have to stop rejecting people because no one will ever come to me thinking that I am difficult. The thing is I never get to meet these people that purpose to me because as soon as they open the topic with either of my parents they tell them they dont have time for them to come over.
My question is what do I do to stop this from happening? Just this morning my mother told me that her and my father had a conversation about where they would keep me because they both wanted to go back home. Telling me that because of me they can't do what they want to do.
They reject all proposals but go around telling everyone that I am holding them back and they are waiting to see what happens with me. What does that even mean?
How do i respond to the people that approach me and ask why I'm not getting married?


First and foremoest, we must always adhere to the teaching of the prophet and the Quran. Do not try to rebell against them nor annoy them. Therefore, you should instead try to change the situation in a manner that might seem to them indirectly.

Responsibility is the key to development and nourishment of intellect. Try to prove your parents that you can carry your responsebilities and be independent. However, you should not isolate yourself from them. Furthermore, do not try to make it appear that you are hasty to get married but rather make it seem as you have accepted the situation and their deicision. When asked, say: 'When God wills.'

Avoid blaming your parents for the denied proposals, even though they are the reason, this will only make you seem in their eyes naive about the affairs of the world and they are more expierenced and therefore wise enough to make the right decision. Do you want to put more fuel to the fire?

#12 LZAA

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 05:27 PM

Why don't you just ask them why they won't get you married off so that they can go back home without you holding them back? Are they looking for someone for you?


No they are not looking for anyone.
When I mention for them to stop talking like that and say they are the ones not allowing it the response is that no one has come for me. Thats what they want me to believe.
I fully understand if they want to keep me around because they are old and I'm the last child but I want them to stop telling people and telling me that if it werent for me they would travel making me sound like a burden

#13 Haydar Husayn

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 05:31 PM

First and foremoest, we must always adhere to the teaching of the prophet and the Quran. Do not try to rebell against them nor annoy them. Therefore, you should instead try to change the situation in a manner that might seem to them indirectly.

Responsibility is the key to development and nourishment of intellect. Try to prove your parents that you can carry your responsebilities and be independent. However, you should not isolate yourself from them. Furthermore, do not try to make it appear that you are hasty to get married but rather make it seem as you have accepted the situation and their deicision. When asked, say: 'When God wills.'

Avoid blaming your parents for the denied proposals, even though they are the reason, this will only make you seem in their eyes naive about the affairs of the world and they are more expierenced and therefore wise enough to make the right decision. Do you want to put more fuel to the fire?


It is haram to reject marriage proposals for unislamic reasons and to prevent your daughter from getting married. Where did you get the idea that having greater experience meant that a person became more wise? There is no reason to assume that in general parents have more wisdom than their adult children.

Edited by Haydar Husayn, 06 December 2012 - 05:31 PM.

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#14 LZAA

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 05:34 PM

First and foremoest, we must always adhere to the teaching of the prophet and the Quran. Do not try to rebell against them nor annoy them. Therefore, you should instead try to change the situation in a manner that might seem to them indirectly.

Responsibility is the key to development and nourishment of intellect. Try to prove your parents that you can carry your responsebilities and be independent. However, you should not isolate yourself from them. Furthermore, do not try to make it appear that you are hasty to get married but rather make it seem as you have accepted the situation and their deicision. When asked, say: 'When God wills.'

Avoid blaming your parents for the denied proposals, even though they are the reason, this will only make you seem in their eyes naive about the affairs of the world and they are more expierenced and therefore wise enough to make the right decision. Do you want to put more fuel to the fire?


I have accepted their not wanting to marry me off. What I don't accept is them going around telling people that no one wants me. It is NOT acceptable. I am not "hasty" to get married.
I have to worry about my reputation and the way things are going is causing it to go down.
I came here looking for help as to how to deal with this. I did not say that I am treating my parents in any wrong way. I am angry with them but on the inside. When I get upset about it I keep to myself and stay quite in fear that I will say something I will regret and that is the best I could do.

#15 Haydar Husayn

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 05:34 PM

No they are not looking for anyone.
When I mention for them to stop talking like that and say they are the ones not allowing it the response is that no one has come for me. Thats what they want me to believe.

You should ask them why they aren't looking for someone. It is their duty as parents to get you married. If, as they say, nobody has come, then all the more reason for them to be actively looking.


I fully understand if they want to keep me around because they are old and I'm the last child but I want them to stop telling people and telling me that if it werent for me they would travel making me sound like a burden

If that is the case, then it is incredibly selfish on their part, especially as they don't seem to be showing much appreciation for then act that you are with them. What about your brother? Couldn't they live with him? It is more his duty than yours to look after your parents.

#16 John Al-Ameli

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 05:41 PM

Your still 23..people wandering around asking in shock why u still didnt get married? :donno:

Edited by RoAcHy, 06 December 2012 - 05:41 PM.


#17 LZAA

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 05:44 PM

You should ask them why they aren't looking for someone. It is their duty as parents to get you married. If, as they say, nobody has come, then all the more reason for them to be actively looking.



If that is the case, then it is incredibly selfish on their part, especially as they don't seem to be showing much appreciation for then act that you are with them. What about your brother? Couldn't they live with him? It is more his duty than yours to look after your parents.


They could, they could also live with of the many other children they have they just don't want to. I'm not exactly sure what they want. They aren't here all the time they come and go but they only come back because of me supposedly and when they leave I have to go from house to house (among my siblings) so that I am not left home alone. I want a stable life. I don't think that is too much to ask for.
And as for looking for someone they don't need to. As I mentioned earlier I am very active in my Mosque, I am known to all the families and my family is well known among the community.
I feel very lost.

Your still 23..people wandering around asking in shock why u still didnt get married? :donno:


They do because every time there is a proposal they here about it and they hear it was rejected. Which is why I was told that people will stop coming if I keep rejecting.

#18 Haydar Husayn

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 05:50 PM

They could, they could also live with of the many other children they have they just don't want to. I'm not exactly sure what they want. They aren't here all the time they come and go but they only come back because of me supposedly and when they leave I have to go from house to house (among my siblings) so that I am not left home alone. I want a stable life. I don't think that is too much to ask for.
And as for looking for someone they don't need to. As I mentioned earlier I am very active in my Mosque, I am known to all the families and my family is well known among the community.
I feel very lost.


Sounds very strange. From what you say, they don't really need you to live with them, so I don't can't think of any reason they might be doing this.

What would their reaction be if you were to be informed beforehand that someone was going to ask them for your hand in marriage, so that they would have no way if denying it?

Edited by Haydar Husayn, 06 December 2012 - 05:50 PM.


#19 LZAA

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 05:58 PM

Sounds very strange. From what you say, they don't really need you to live with them, so I don't can't think of any reason they might be doing this.

What would their reaction be if you were to be informed beforehand that someone was going to ask them for your hand in marriage, so that they would have no way if denying it?


Well it has happened. I was notified that someone was to come and ask for my hand. Of course it took a lot of talking and my sister got involved and spoke to them my father did not get involved. He refused to meet the guy and did not speak to me. How could I go along with it if he felt so strongly toword it.
A second time I was notified I told myself that was it I had to do something so I personally told my mom I was ready for marriage and my sister again spoke to them and again my dad did not talk to me through out the process. But I still went ahead and said I would meet this person. Before meeting him I met his mom and sister who had seen me at the Mosque. Turns out the guy was no where close to religion and expected me to take off my Hijab and has sworn he would never enter a mosque. Why you would even propose to someone who wears a hijab in the first place is beyond me.
This of course made my parents very happy. My dad did start talking to me after and my mom started laughing and repeating over and over again the events of that day.
this happened recently.

Edited by LZAA, 06 December 2012 - 05:59 PM.


#20 Haydar Husayn

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 06:18 PM

Well, insha'Allah the next person who proposes will be religious, and then they may feel obliged to marry you off. In the meantime, you might want to try to get someone to talk to your parents about this. Maybe someone from the mosque that they respect?

#21 Mokhtar2012

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Posted 07 December 2012 - 11:09 AM

Don't worry about your reputiton, you cannot control it, the only thing you can control is your own character. Many pious people get bad reputition. You have bigger problems to worry about. It's great that you volunteer in masjid and you have many friends. You don't have to feel guilty about wanting to get married, just make sure that your husband is honest, not a hypocrite, otherwise he will make a team with your family members and you will have to fight with more people. Read Ziyarat-e-aashura everday, and make sure you try your best to maintain your hijab, social and physical. InshahAllah Imam Mehdi (A.S.) will protect you. Don't spend time on entertainment, either do dua or look around, if someone is oppressed in your family or friends, try to help them.

#22 mun3t

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Posted 07 December 2012 - 12:40 PM

It is haram to reject marriage proposals for unislamic reasons and to prevent your daughter from getting married. Where did you get the idea that having greater experience meant that a person became more wise? There is no reason to assume that in general parents have more wisdom than their adult children.


There isn't a propostion to reject any marriage proposal in the previous comment rather it is to accept them in a simple manner that does as well please the parents, they are the obstacles.

Most surely, Luqman was a wise man who attended to many gatherings such as court and whatever judgement asked he would answer. Through much contemplation and experience he earned the title of the wise. Amir al-Mu'minin 'Ali ibn Abi Talib, a wise scholar as well as a caliphate. He presented many examples in his words of wisdom and these examples cannot be understood nor conveyed except by experience. Wisdom is earned through contemplation and experience, ever heard the statement 'put fuel on fire'?

Furthermore, I expressed the feelings of the parents. Do you sincerely believe that a parent doesn't think he is wiser than his child? Or are you simple enganged in a matter without knowledge nor understanding? Do you not think that his parents love him and thus advice him? Or do you think they only carry a grudge against their flesh and bone?

#23 mun3t

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Posted 07 December 2012 - 01:00 PM

I have accepted their not wanting to marry me off. What I don't accept is them going around telling people that no one wants me. It is NOT acceptable. I am not "hasty" to get married.
I have to worry about my reputation and the way things are going is causing it to go down.
I came here looking for help as to how to deal with this. I did not say that I am treating my parents in any wrong way. I am angry with them but on the inside. When I get upset about it I keep to myself and stay quite in fear that I will say something I will regret and that is the best I could do.


I reminded you of their rights against you. That is why the Quran is mentioned and may God reward you for your patience. You haven't accepted it. Otherwise, you wouldn't have been worried about them urging people to not propose, even though it is in a subtle manner. However, your friend has a point and it might make you seem like a difficult guy. Nevertheless, you always have the help of a local scholar in regard to your marriage and religious issues. There are many, whom through a scholar, manage to get married. Have the help of scholar to convince your parents. Surely, there will be reasons presented by them that would otherwise have been concealed from the public Muslims but exposed to a scholar, and of course you have to be a part of the ring.

#24 Haydar Husayn

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Posted 07 December 2012 - 01:03 PM

There isn't a propostion to reject any marriage proposal in the previous comment rather it is to accept them in a simple manner that does as well please the parents, they are the obstacles.

I don't really understand what you are trying to say. Anyway, if a good marriage proposal comes, and they continue to try to stop her getting married, then she would have every right (including Islamic) to simply get married without their approval. I doubt she would do this, by the sounds of what she has said, but she would have the right to.


Most surely, Luqman was a wise man who attended to many gatherings such as court and whatever judgement asked he would answer. Through much contemplation and experience he earned the title of the wise. Amir al-Mu'minin 'Ali ibn Abi Talib, a wise scholar as well as a caliphate. He presented many examples in his words of wisdom and these examples cannot be understood nor conveyed except by experience. Wisdom is earned through contemplation and experience, ever heard the statement 'put fuel on fire'?

The key is contemplation, which most people don't engage in much. Another factor is intelligence, which is also in short supply. Abu Bakr was older than Imam `Ali (as), but it didn't make him wiser, did it? There are countless examples of this. For those that have intelligence and reflect, then age will increase their wisdom, but for those that don't, age won't do anything for them. Some people go their whole lives repeating the same mistakes, so clearly they aren't gaining much wisdom in the meantime.


Furthermore, I expressed the feelings of the parents. Do you sincerely believe that a parent doesn't think he is wiser than his child? Or are you simple enganged in a matter without knowledge nor understanding? Do you not think that his parents love him and thus advice him? Or do you think they only carry a grudge against their flesh and bone?

Yes, most parents probably do think they are wiser than their child, and therefore get angry when their advice isn't taken, but this is a delusion on their part. I also don't doubt that in general, parent believe that they are 'doing what's best' for their child. However, you can have the best of intentions, but still do the wrong thing, and you should be told what you are doing is wrong. There are also parents that are selfish, and care more about themselves than their child. And others are just horrible, and may very well wish to hurt their child. Parents are people, and hence there are all kinds of them.

#25 mun3t

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Posted 07 December 2012 - 03:28 PM

The key is contemplation, which most people don't engage in much. Another factor is intelligence, which is also in short supply. Abu Bakr was older than Imam `Ali (as), but it didn't make him wiser, did it? There are countless examples of this. For those that have intelligence and reflect, then age will increase their wisdom, but for those that don't, age won't do anything for them. Some people go their whole lives repeating the same mistakes, so clearly they aren't gaining much wisdom in the meantime.

Agreeable. Then another example shall be presented. Are the elderly who has spent much time in his occupation and gained much experience like the one who is without previous experience? Or an inexperienced person is put in a stressful situation and another with experience, are they equal in judgement?

Furthermore, experience is not tied to age. For example, a man who spends years of contemplation in a mountain and another man amongst his people, they are both of the same age. Are the former more applicable to convey a message or the latter?

Yes, most parents probably do think they are wiser than their child, and therefore get angry when their advice isn't taken, but this is a delusion on their part. I also don't doubt that in general, parent believe that they are 'doing what's best' for their child. However, you can have the best of intentions, but still do the wrong thing, and you should be told what you are doing is wrong. There are also parents that are selfish, and care more about themselves than their child. And others are just horrible, and may very well wish to hurt their child. Parents are people, and hence there are all kinds of them.

Indeed.





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