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saza1328

Parents Not Approving The Marriage - What To Do?!

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As-salamualaykum,

A very good friend of mine is interested in a sister for marriage. He approached her parents already, but they aren't too favorable about allowing their daughter to get to know him for marriage because of his only local family member in the area - an extended family member who has multiple wives. So, before granting permission for this brother to start talking to this sister, her parents have focused on this family member of his and what this brother thinks of his relative's choice of lifestyle. Even though he has reiterated that he himself will never engage in a polygamous relationship, this sister's parents aren't satisfied with his answers because he has not outright condemned his relative's polygamous marriage and has not outright condemned polygamy in America in general. Plus, since marriage is not just the joining of two individuals but the joining of two families, her parents are concerned with her entering into a family that has such a family member. For example, they have stated concerns that their grand kids will be raised thinking polygamy is okay because they are in that environment.

Now this brother's parents are against the match as well and don't want their son to pursue her anymore. His parents are insulted with how this sister's parents focused solely on this family member from the get-go and seem to be overlooking this brother's positive qualities and judging him harshly because he has such a family member with an atypical and perhaps ethically questionable lifestyle. They also found this sister's parents as coming off really strong in how they don't want their daughter marrying this brother and so this brother's parents find no point for their son to continue in pursuing her.

This sister and brother are very much interested in each other, however, despite their parents disapproval of the match. They feel that they are compatible with each other and would like to have gotten married, if it weren't for the fact that their parents, particularly this sister's parents, were giving such a hard time. Now they cannot go forward anymore with their parents involvement because neither parents want it. So my question is, should they proceed without the parents approval? I know Islamically if the parents reject a man based on un-Islamic reasons, then the girl can marry him without their permission. And, yes, in this case the sister's parents have not explicitly rejected this brother, but were very much not approving of the match and were allowing it to barely inch forward (it finally ended when this brother's parents stopped their son from continuing). But, of course, we can't just look at what is Islamically right because that would be putting this brother and sister in a hard position of ruining their relationship with their family, which neither of them want to resort to. Has anyone been in or seen a similar experience and are willing to talk about it? I'm sure these situations are fairly common in America because of all the different ideas Muslims have regarding marriage and what to focus on, etc. Any advice would be much appreciated, especially from people who found themselves in a similar situation.

Thanks!

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I believe it is forbidden for brother and sister to marry in Islam religion.

By brother and sister he probably meant brother and sister IN ISLAM and NOT siblings.

In any case, I honestly wouldn't know what to do if I were in the guy's situation... I could try showing ahadith to them about the permissibility of Polygamy and about how parents shouldn't reject a potential suitor for unislamic reasons such as this... LOL but I doubt this would work by a longshot because clearly the parents are abhorrent of a practice prescribed by the Sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh) ...

I'll pray it works out somehow.

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Even though he has reiterated that he himself will never engage in a polygamous relationship, this sister's parents aren't satisfied with his answers because he has not outright condemned his relative's polygamous marriage and has not outright condemned polygamy in America in general.

He should tell them that he is not going to condemn the lifestyle of the Prophet (pbuh) and the Imams (as).

Plus, since marriage is not just the joining of two individuals but the joining of two families, her parents are concerned with her entering into a family that has such a family member.

I don't know where people get this 'joining of two familes' nonsense from. A girl leaves her house and goes to live with her husband. At most, the girl can be said to be joining another family. However, she doesn't bring her family with her, so I don't see where the joining of two families comes into it.

For example, they have stated concerns that their grand kids will be raised thinking polygamy is okay because they are in that environment.

So by that logic, it would be better not to teach the children about the lives of the Prophets and Imams, since they might get the idea that polygamy is ok.

This sister and brother are very much interested in each other, however, despite their parents disapproval of the match. They feel that they are compatible with each other and would like to have gotten married, if it weren't for the fact that their parents, particularly this sister's parents, were giving such a hard time. Now they cannot go forward anymore with their parents involvement because neither parents want it. So my question is, should they proceed without the parents approval?

If they think they will make a good match, then they should proceed. The man doesn't need his parents approval, and the woman's guardian forfeited his right to say anything with his unislamic objections.

I know Islamically if the parents reject a man based on un-Islamic reasons, then the girl can marry him without their permission. And, yes, in this case the sister's parents have not explicitly rejected this brother, but were very much not approving of the match and were allowing it to barely inch forward (it finally ended when this brother's parents stopped their son from continuing).

They should force her parents to explicitly say yes or no then. Just give them an ultimatum, where not giving an answer is the same as rejection.

But, of course, we can't just look at what is Islamically right because that would be putting this brother and sister in a hard position of ruining their relationship with their family, which neither of them want to resort to.

It is by continuously ignoring what is islamically right that people get themselves into so many difficulties. If it is right islamically, then that means it is right, end of story.

I find it interesting how in situations like this, it is always the children who are held responsible for 'ruining the family relationship'.

Who is it who is promoting unislamic ideals? The parents.

Who is it who is going against Islam by trying to prevent a good Islamic match? The parents.

Who is it who is threatening (explictly or implictly) to sever relations with the children if they go against them? The parents.

So it seems to me like it is the parents who are doing all the damage to the relationship with the children, and if they are willing to damage that relationship for unislamic reasons, then why should the children hesitate to damage the relationship for islamic reasons?

Edited by Haydar Husayn

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You are saying that both sides of the family are not happy with this union? If they are from cultural parents (seems to be in your case), then they are just setting themselves for failure.

I wouldn't recommend marrying without the parents approval. You can't really break off the relationship with your own family but you can always marry someone else.

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You are saying that both sides of the family are not happy with this union? If they are from cultural parents (seems to be in your case), then they are just setting themselves for failure.

I wouldn't recommend marrying without the parents approval. You can't really break off the relationship with your own family but you can always marry someone else.

They wouldn't be the ones breaking off the relationship with their family, it would be the other way around. Why should they not go ahead with a perfectly good match just because of the prejudices and stubbornness of their parents?

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They wouldn't be the ones breaking off the relationship with their family, it would be the other way around. Why should they not go ahead with a perfectly good match just because of the prejudices and stubbornness of their parents?

That's the problem with cultural parents. And you are stuck with your parents whether you like them or not.

Since marriage is for life long, I don't see how they could get married all by themselves and expect to live a perfectly good life for the rest of their life. Unless of course you don't care at all about your parents. Even then, the strain of not being accepted by your own family can take a toll on newly weds.

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That's the problem with cultural parents. And you are stuck with your parents whether you like them or not.

Since marriage is for life long, I don't see how they could get married all by themselves and expect to live a perfectly good life for the rest of their life. Unless of course you don't care at all about your parents. Even then, the strain of not being accepted by your own family can take a toll on newly weds.

I see. So when the children decide to go ahead with a good match, then they don't care about their parents, but when the parents decide to break off the relationship with their children for no valid reason, that means what exactly? That they do care? How about when parents pressure their child into marrying someone who is not a good match for them? Is that a sign of parental love?

I agree that it will likely create a big strain on the relationship of the newly weds, but that is not a good enough reason to comply with the unislamic attitudes of the parents. It's not easy to find a suitable spouse, and anyone who turns one down based on the prejudices and threats of their parents is a fool.

Edited by Haydar Husayn

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I see. So when the children decide to go ahead with a good match, then they don't care about their parents, but when the parents decide to break off the relationship with their children for no valid reason, that means what exactly? That they do care? How about when parents pressure their child into marrying someone who is not a good match for them? Is that a sign of parental love?

I agree that it will likely create a big strain on the relationship of the newly weds, but that is not a good enough reason to comply with the unislamic attitudes of the parents. It's not easy to find a suitable spouse, and anyone who turns one down based on the prejudices and threats of their parents is a fool.

Not sure I agree with you. I am not sure how much threat or force the parents are using here because the only thing we know as of now is that the girl's parents had some reservation about the boy. He couldn't convince the girl's parents. The boy's parents also don't want to see this match.

I'm not sure eloping and getting married behind your family back is how you want to start your marriage. You are setting yourself for a failure and that's also foolish.

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What if they were to decide to continue getting to know each other on their own (without either of their parents knowing), and then in a couple years from now try bringing the parents back in? Even though the parents may be in the wrong, it is still very difficult to break away from family and marry without the parents' permission. So, they're hoping in a couple years, they can minimize any detrimental effects on their relations with their parents - like their parents might be willing to give it a chance again after they've cooled off a bit, they'll see that this brother and sister are serious about each other, this brother and sister will be older, this sister will be more independent from her parents, and they'll make sure they're geographically away from their parents, too. The only risk with that is the possibility that even a couple years from now the parents will be just as against it, and this brother and sister will be even more attached, so they'd really have to resort to putting their foot down and marrying without their parents' permission. So, if they continue on their own, it'd be a happy couple years for them, but with the future unknown....Should they risk it? What do you think? If anyone has had such a dilemma, please share!

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That's the problem with cultural parents. And you are stuck with your parents whether you like them or not.

Since marriage is for life long, I don't see how they could get married all by themselves and expect to live a perfectly good life for the rest of their life. Unless of course you don't care at all about your parents. Even then, the strain of not being accepted by your own family can take a toll on newly weds.

Only for a short time... most parents love their children and these too will Inshallah come around and accept their children's right choices, and leave behind their unislamic prejudices soon.

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What if they were to decide to continue getting to know each other on their own (without either of their parents knowing), and then in a couple years from now try bringing the parents back in? Even though the parents may be in the wrong, it is still very difficult to break away from family and marry without the parents' permission. So, they're hoping in a couple years, they can minimize any detrimental effects on their relations with their parents - like their parents might be willing to give it a chance again after they've cooled off a bit, they'll see that this brother and sister are serious about each other, this brother and sister will be older, this sister will be more independent from her parents, and they'll make sure they're geographically away from their parents, too. The only risk with that is the possibility that even a couple years from now the parents will be just as against it, and this brother and sister will be even more attached, so they'd really have to resort to putting their foot down and marrying without their parents' permission. So, if they continue on their own, it'd be a happy couple years for them, but with the future unknown....Should they risk it? What do you think? If anyone has had such a dilemma, please share!

Salam, getting to know each other for such a long time as 2 years is not a good idea as it could lead to haram, especially without any parental involvment. Would the guys parents be willing to discuss things further and understand that the girls parent's reaction is not her fault, and that she is interested in their son even if her parents aren't? if you can get the guys parents on board at least, then you at least have their support inshallah. Believe me, From experience know this helps, but my experience was a little different, as I am a revert and my parents aren't muslim so going against them in order to marry a good muslim man was a simple dilema for me. If anything the strain of having my parents not only not support the marriage, but also try and ruin it by stressing me out and arguing with me and then going on to try and ruin our wedding day has actually strengthened my marriage, as well as all the rubbish that my parents and family have tried to do after wedding.

Also, the girl can get an Islamic pre-nup where the guy officially agrees not to marry anyone other then her(except after devorce na'udhubillah) or to ask permission before contracting any added marriages, be they permanent or temporary, and that if he did do such a thing without her permission then she would contractualy be able to initiate divorce if she wanted and without loosing any maher. This Islamic provision within the Aqid Nikkah would hopefully provide the girls parents with the assurance that they need, without the boy having to condemn his family member, or more importantly, condemn the ahlul bayt's(as) sunnah. If the boy is not interested in polygamy then I am sure he wouldn't mind signing a contract to that effect(the civil marriages in western countries where polygamy is illegal, already have this system in place automatically when you get married, so the parents can rest assured that shari'ah and the law of the country they reside in would prevent polygamy) this Islamic contract would also give flexibility to mean that he could have another wife with that girls permission, for example in a situation(na'udhubillah) where there was fertility issue and they needed to use a surrogate mother.

Salams and duas and I hope that this issue gets resolved for all those who are involved, and in the best of manners according to Allah's(swt) guidance in the religion of Islam inshallah.

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