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Candela

How Do Men Want To Be Treated?

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So you meet a potential spouse, she seems okay and you two decide to get to know each other more. Talk and let time pass...what makes you (as a male) decide to want to marry the girl? Sure the question is hard to answer, but try and give hypothetical input on how you wish to be treated and what type of behaviour makes it easier for you to really consider marrying the girl.

Should she be acting a bit distant because men are hunters by nature or do you want attention?

Should she avoid pressurizing the man or is it good to pinpoint exactly what you want or can accept early on?

etc

etc

Give your opinions please!

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The less pressure, the better. In fact, if she acts a bit indifferent after say, a few months, he'll work harder at getting her attention and trying to win her over. Indifferent towards the idea of marriage, I mean... doesn't mean you act like a *****.

Edited by Psychopath

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I'm over this nonsense.

Somebody finding a wife for you > Finding a wife for yourself

But I will still answer the question: I would like it if she was guarded without being hostile. Women need to understand that we're people, too. We're looking for marriage just like they are.

Ya Ali

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(salam)

I dislike the concept of hunter and hunted. Why do we need to act as if marriage is a game or jungle “activity”. Marriage is very serious. There is no need to “hunt” someone or make him/her hunt you. Be yourself and be honest. This should be the beginning of getting to know each other stage.

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(salam)

I dislike the concept of hunter and hunted. Why do we need to act as if marriage is a game or jungle “activity”. Marriage is very serious. There is no need to “hunt” someone or make him/her hunt you. Be yourself and be honest. This should be the beginning of getting to know each other stage.

(wasalam)

Quite agree. Mind games suck. Why do people do this to themselves?

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(salam)

(wasalam)

Quite agree. Mind games suck. Why do people do this to themselves?

I don't know all the reasons. The major reasons are

- Fear. Many people are scared of marriage/commitment. They rather have a back door in case if the relationship didn't work out.

- Dishonesty. Not everyone can be honest with their own self much less with the other person.

- Immaturity (both men and women)

- Some girls are influenced by the media (books, magazines, tv) to act in a certain way (proud and aloof). They think this is how they should behave.

- Some men go for girls based on what they see. This is how they end up with girls who are obviously wrong and incompatible with them.

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(wasalam)

Quite agree. Mind games suck. Why do people do this to themselves?

In addition to what Zareen said. I do also believe that people do this to get the "upper hand" in the relationship. I suppose power and competition makes people do crazy things.

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(salam)

I dislike the concept of hunter and hunted. Why do we need to act as if marriage is a game or jungle “activity”. Marriage is very serious. There is no need to “hunt” someone or make him/her hunt you. Be yourself and be honest. This should be the beginning of getting to know each other stage.

OMG! I was just talking with the girls abt this today.. they were like let ur man chase u and blah.. I was like u girls need therapy.. y bother with such games.. gosh and they think it works :Hijabi:

to OP

well I would think that if u like the guy and make him comfortable around you abt himself.. he'd like it

just be urself and never fake anything coz he'll end up knowing the real u and u don't want to be a lier.. and if u think oh he might run away.. then not worth ur time

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Just act yourself, you cant keep up the charade forever.

PS in my experience i've found that generally the guy is more 'suffocating' and pushes the idea of the two of you being married sooner.

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(wasalam)

Quite agree. Mind games suck. Why do people do this to themselves?

We live in a corrupt society.

People should seek all answers from Islam.

Answering the OP: discuss it with the potential spouse and ask them what they think (decide between yourselves and take Islam into account). Remember that many people have unstable preferences and many don't even know what is good for them; so don't beat yourself up if someone else is being irrational, avoid those type of potential spouses.

I get the impression that you are trying to justify unreasonable behaviour by attributing it to gender differences.

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So you meet a potential spouse, she seems okay and you two decide to get to know each other more. Talk and let time pass...what makes you (as a male) decide to want to marry the girl? Sure the question is hard to answer, but try and give hypothetical input on how you wish to be treated and what type of behaviour makes it easier for you to really consider marrying the girl.

Should she be acting a bit distant because men are hunters by nature or do you want attention?

Should she avoid pressurizing the man or is it good to pinpoint exactly what you want or can accept early on?

etc

etc

Give your opinions please!

Okay, not a guy! But I think my experience was really positive. I had 2 failed engagements (my fault, called them off..) Anyway I really wasn't into marriage at the time. I pushed myself into a lot of projects and most were male dominated tabligh...etc. There was a brother and we worked on like 5 projects together. I was definitely interested but he never talked to a sister before for marriage and was 4 years older. He asked me to volunteer at an Islamic school program. Teaching a bunch of 15 and 16 yr old boys about Islam. Lol these guys went through 5 teachers, all guys in a matter of 3 months. Anyway, the brother offered to help out in the classroom to make sure it didn't get overwhelming for me. The boys were excellent though, it was an amazing turn around. I started coming in at 7:30 am (school started at 10 am) to prepare lessons and stuff for them. I usually went home an hr after everyone else since the boys were working on multimedia projects with me about Islam. Okay, at this point I'll admit, I totally gave up on the guy. I mean, 7 months? lol Really? He couldn't decide if I was good enough despite seeing me everyday?

Anyway, I was leaving for vacation and literally 2 hrs before my flight, his mother calls my family saying they're interested in a wife for their son. Fast forward...I asked him eventually what took him so long and what made him decide that out of the 15 girls that volunteer with him on projects, I was the right one. He said:

  • Guys, especially ones who are serious about marriage make sure they are sure about the girl before approaching her. This is out of respect to the girl and when he did show interest, it was through my family. (I had a strong indication it was coming though)
  • Guys prefer girls who dedicated to something and hard working.
  • what made him finally decide?
  • He said all it took was 1 moment..when he saw me teaching one of the boys how to pray after school using handouts and diagrams I created. That's when it snapped in his head that he felt I was the right choice.

When he did show interest, I was pretty clear about my intentions towards him. We didn't play those games a lot of youth do when they get to know someone. In fact, I already knew him very well from working with him. Alhamdillah, I'll just say, marriage is one of those things, if you do it for Allah Swt's satisfaction it happens and happens very well!

I know its long-winded but most guys aren't out to play games and lead you on. The real test is whether or not he decides to go to your family. I just hate seeing good guys being forced to chase or what not. Seriously girls, don't make life difficult! I think most men want a supportive and respectful girl. The right ones do anyway.

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The girl should have a no nonsense no BS, no mind games approach. She should be modest, have a strong character, have a defined moral purpose in life and not be superficial/small minded etc. You are incredibly lucky if you find a wise woman, but this should be paramount. These are all incredibly attractive traits. A woman who possesses these traits would be modest not out of a religious or societal obligation to be modest, but out of natural tendencies that are a byproduct of her personality. So it is not about playing hard to get or having men chase you etc and all that BS.

Notice what I said had nothing to do with her formal education, her family background, her looks and status in the community.

Peace

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be honest about ur feelings. if you like him, tell him. guys like it when girls like them. dont smother him. but if u get smothered (some guys can get a bit over excited, especially freshies), take it nicely and smother back.

be honest about urself, if there is something in ur past which you think he might want to know about, tell him before it gets too serious so he has all the facts before deciding whether to propose or not. a good bloke will not judge you for what mistakes you have made in the past, but instead will look at what you have learnt and ur present attitude towards your past actions. revealing them after a proposal will cause him irritation, and a sense of being duped. also, make sure ur asking the questions that are important to u too so u dont get the same feeling after.

communicate.

can you compromise?

u might have some issues with regard to something he does out of habit; fair enough. point it out, and let him know how much you would appreciate if he would sort it out. likewise, dont feel bad if he has some issue with you. no two people are made perfect for each other and there has to be some adaptation/adjustment from both sides if you're gonna get on in life. if it seems that you're hitting a brick wall because neither wants to compromise, or only one is willing to compromise, then i would say bail out. ur wasting ur time. people who dont understand that "with marriage comes compromise" aren't ready for marriage, and won't be able to adjust when things get tough and you actually *have* to adapt.

from my own personal experience, inability to compromise is probably the number one factor that resulted in me calling off my engagement with the girl i was with; in conjunction with information about past actions that she revealed *after* accepting the proposal. the actual actions werent an issue with me, everyone makes mistakes and im far from perfect myself, but it was her awful attitude towards them, looking back on them as if it was something good that she did rather than actually being mature and recognising it was a mistake. my mistake was not asking enough direct questions and assuming positive things. i've learnt that it might cause discomfort asking questions for a few brief moments but in the long run it will save headache for sure. and don't assume anything. alhamdulillah i am grateful that things didn't go further, my life would have been a disaster. i think marriage is only worth it if you find the right person.

I dislike the concept of hunter and hunted. Why do we need to act as if marriage is a game or jungle “activity”. Marriage is very serious. There is no need to “hunt” someone or make him/her hunt you. Be yourself and be honest. This should be the beginning of getting to know each other stage.

i definitely agree with this. and your point about people needing to be honest not just with others but with themselves.

Answering the OP: discuss it with the potential spouse and ask them what they think (decide between yourselves and take Islam into account). Remember that many people have unstable preferences and many don't even know what is good for them; so don't beat yourself up if someone else is being irrational, avoid those type of potential spouses

definitely agree with this too. some people are just plain illogical. sensible guys are quite practical and logical in general, and really appreciate logical approaches to decisions/behaviour in women also. if you act in an irrational and unpredictable fashion, while it might be interesting at first (like playing with a cat), it then gets very frustrating (because remember men dont want to marry cats). dont expect him to put up with this kind of behaviour for long. im not suggesting turn off ur emotions and become a robot obviously, just know there is a balance that needs to be found.

also, humility. a humble man will recognise humility in a woman and find it very soothing. a woman who has some good qualities (physical, intellectual, religious, whatever they may be), but constantly boasts about herself and constantly tells everyone how great other people think she is will prove to be an irritation. the only people who can pull this off without looking like douches are the blessed infallibles, but even they would be too modest and humble to do so.

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be honest about urself, if there is something in ur past which you think he might want to know about, tell him before it gets too serious so he has all the facts before deciding whether to propose or not. a good bloke will not judge you for what mistakes you have made in the past, but instead will look at what you have learnt and ur present attitude towards your past actions. revealing them after a proposal will cause him irritation, and a sense of being duped. also, make sure ur asking the questions that are important to u too so u dont get the same feeling after.

I don't agree with this. What's in the past stays in the past. There's no need to bring up any sins you may have committed, that will only stir trouble. If you have truly repented for them then why bring them up again? If you've redeemed yourself then you shouldn't be judged on your past mistakes.

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It's a man's world - James Brown

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I don't agree with this. What's in the past stays in the past. There's no need to bring up any sins you may have committed, that will only stir trouble. If you have truly repented for them then why bring them up again? If you've redeemed yourself then you shouldn't be judged on your past mistakes.

Looking at it from another angle, if my fiancee wants to know about my past mistakes (crushes, romances, mutahs or other non-amorous mistakes or sins) and believes that withholding such information may impact our relationship then, yes, I'd have to reveal and speak the truth. I wouldn't want to start marital life on a lie or on withholding of vital information especially if it was explicitly asked.

This is more of an issue with most of the guys. They'd want to know the past to decide about the girl. So that partially answers Candela's question.

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Looking at it from another angle, if my fiancee wants to know about my past mistakes (crushes, romances, mutahs or other non-amorous mistakes or sins) and believes that withholding such information may impact our relationship then, yes, I'd have to reveal and speak the truth. I wouldn't want to start marital life on a lie or on withholding of vital information especially if it was explicitly asked.

This is more of an issue with most of the guys. They'd want to know the past to decide about the girl. So that partially answers Candela's question.

Women love that [Edited Out], you ask most women after they have committed some serious grievous sins, they'd tell you right off the bat that in future relationships theres no way they would ever speak of their ill doings, whats in the past is in the past. I frankly do not get it, if your future partner is at all serious, typically they would ask of your past relationships, and you should be woman (man) enough to speak of your past and how you have changed. It is just not fair to lie, especially if your future partner sincerely asks you to tell the truth. Most sensible people understand that people have made mistakes, keeping them secret from the most important person in your life isnt always wise. On top of that stuff gets around, theres a chance your partner may find out, from someone else, so better it be the honest you than someone else.

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Women love that [Edited Out], you ask most women after they have committed some serious grievous sins, they'd tell you right off the bat that in future relationships theres no way they would ever speak of their ill doings, whats in the past is in the past. I frankly do not get it, if your future partner is at all serious, typically they would ask of your past relationships, and you should be woman (man) enough to speak of your past and how you have changed. It is just not fair to lie, especially if your future partner sincerely asks you to tell the truth. Most sensible people understand that people have made mistakes, keeping them secret from the most important person in your life isnt always wise. On top of that stuff gets around, theres a chance your partner may find out, from someone else, so better it be the honest you than someone else.

That would be disastrous, For me, it would spell the end of the relationship. I also don't agree with "what is past is in the past" maxim when it comes to your life partner.

To add to it, Candela, I can't talk about guys in general but if I talk about me, one thing I find particularly irritating is when girl tries to fake up her manners, actions, accent etc to make an impression. It has the exact opposite effect on me. In other words, guys would appreciate plain originality and real you when deciding about you.

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Women love that [Edited Out], you ask most women after they have committed some serious grievous sins, they'd tell you right off the bat that in future relationships theres no way they would ever speak of their ill doings, whats in the past is in the past. I frankly do not get it, if your future partner is at all serious, typically they would ask of your past relationships, and you should be woman (man) enough to speak of your past and how you have changed. It is just not fair to lie, especially if your future partner sincerely asks you to tell the truth. Most sensible people understand that people have made mistakes, keeping them secret from the most important person in your life isnt always wise. On top of that stuff gets around, theres a chance your partner may find out, from someone else, so better it be the honest you than someone else.

I agree. It's only fair for both to know about each other's past BEFORE marriage so they don't feel lied/betrayed/tricked a few years down the marriage when they find out from someone else. You don't want to live your marriage in fear of someone black mailing you, or your spouse finding out. Be honest and I totally agree with Bona , a person who's serious about you, wise and mature will understand and appreciate being told the truth from the start. Yes maybe your future spouse does not want to know about every sin/mistake you've committed but I'm sure as hell they'll want to know about past relationships(if any) and what happened then. So tell them, they don't accept you, despite being honest, repented and sincere, chances are they're not the right person to marry.

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I agree. It's only fair for both to know about each other's past BEFORE marriage so they don't feel lied/betrayed/tricked a few years down the marriage when they find out from someone else. You don't want to live your marriage in fear of someone black mailing you, or your spouse finding out. Be honest and I totally agree with Bona , a person who's serious about you, wise and mature will understand and appreciate being told the truth from the start. Yes maybe your future spouse does not want to know about every sin/mistake you've committed but I'm sure as hell they'll want to know about past relationships(if any) and what happened then. So tell them, they don't accept you, despite being honest, repented and sincere, chances are they're not the right person to marry.

i belive that there are somethings that you say and somethings that you don't

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I agree. It's only fair for both to know about each other's past BEFORE marriage so they don't feel lied/betrayed/tricked a few years down the marriage when they find out from someone else. You don't want to live your marriage in fear of someone black mailing you, or your spouse finding out. Be honest and I totally agree with Bona , a person who's serious about you, wise and mature will understand and appreciate being told the truth from the start. Yes maybe your future spouse does not want to know about every sin/mistake you've committed but I'm sure as hell they'll want to know about past relationships(if any) and what happened then. So tell them, they don't accept you, despite being honest, repented and sincere, chances are they're not the right person to marry.

i belive that there are somethings that you say and somethings that you don't

Yes of course if you are open with your new partner, I am sure he/she would be understanding and naturally wouldn't want to know explicit details of your past relationships such as the size of her thighs or how many hours you spent staring into her banana shaped eyes hiding in your car beside some trailer park trash dump.

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Yes of course if you are open with your new partner, I am sure he/she would be understanding and naturally wouldn't want to know explicit details of your past relationships such as the size of her thighs or how many hours you spent staring into her banana shaped eyes hiding in your car beside some trailer park trash dump.

Almond shaped. :P

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Yes of course if you are open with your new partner, I am sure he/she would be understanding and naturally wouldn't want to know explicit details of your past relationships such as the size of her thighs or how many hours you spent staring into her banana shaped eyes hiding in your car beside some trailer park trash dump.

:lol:

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