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LoveForAhlulbayt

Should I Marry Him?

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Salam Alikom to those who can help me in this issue inshallah,

I have been temporarily married to my fiance for 2 and half years since 2008. Before I met him I was not a practicing Muslim because my father who is Arab never taught me ANYTHING at all about Islam. My mother is British and they have been divorced for 15 years. I was brought up in the Western culture, I wanted a change in my life so I asked Allah (swt) to send me a good believing man and get married asap. I met my fiance on an internet social network, he seemed perfect to me at the time but he has some issues regarding his past childhood experiances, which until now does still cause some trouble in the relationship. When he's angry he GET'S ANGRY. I am afraid to tell him how I really feel most of the time (if it is negative) because he will only shout and get aggressive. I am a calm person nevertheless and I always calm him down.

There has been some unfortunate cirumstances regarding him and my family. My family don't like him at all and have had several arguments. I had to move out of my home when I was 19 (last year) because they had been very aggressive and even regarding my new faith - Islam. All of them are atheists and I feel they are really being controlled by the Shaitan. I did an isekhara about them and the result was very bad it said I should get out asap, but instead because it was my family and my emotions got the better of me I decided to stay a little longer to try and work things out by my effors were fruitless. My fiance asked me countless times to move and be with him and get married where he is studying overseas. However, surrounding the feelings between me and him...I do feel comfortable with him but many times I just feel he is just not the one for me, I don't feel the 'spark', the excitement, I don't look foward to marrying him at all next month. I've always had doubts about him and I've tried to fight them off, thinking maybe it was the shaitan getting the better of me. Though, no matter how much I try I really feel like not completely happy with this man and I do feel unsure about getting married.

I have suspected and I have evidence of him talking to two of my female friends who like him. There is a lot of flirting involved and plans to meet and arrange a temporary marriage with one of them. This has made me really upset, and I am even more unsure now to go ahead with this marriage. He keeps joking about it and saying 'oh I can't wait, I must give her what she wants' and laughing and all this stuff which deep down inside hurts because I am jelous. Then again...he was waited a long time for me to say yes to marriage but I keep delaying because of my doubts and unexplainable unsureness in my heart. He tells me he has the right to go with others, since I am not planning to marry him any time soon. However, i think he is just blackmailing me and manipulating my feelings to convince me to marry him. However, my reasons to not go through with marriage are not from nothing, they are from various things. One of them is his bad temper, another because he is a VERY serious person and a bit of a wet blanket, or should I say VERY wet blanket. In other words...I feel quite bored around him a lot. He hardly ever makes me laugh and though we are kind of compatibile for a husband and wife relationship and child rearing AND where the faith is involved because he is a practicing Muslim, Alhamdillah and he taught me everything and I'd always be thankful for that...but I feel...where the love and exciting feelings goes...I don't feel satsified. I feel if I married him, I would be missing out on alot of things. I definetely feel I can find someone who is more fitting to my type of personality, but I guess nobody is perfect and maybe I am being too fussy, but my feelings don't lie.

Not just that, but when I found out about him talking to one of my female friends I became really depressed and feeling down. I met a Christian man who I have taken a great liking to. He is interested in Islam and is making plans to convert, we are definetely more compatible when it comes to those feelings I crave. We seem to have a lot of fun together and he is a very, very nice person and believes in Allah strongly. When it comes to a husband of my choice, the number one top priority has to be my faith Islam, then secondly it is his morals.My fiance does have those things but...why do i feel so unsure? I did an istekhara twice about my fiance. The first time it was brilliant results, his friend did it, but second time I asked a sheikh to do it for me in my local Masjid and he said the results were bad...I was very unsure..and that was nearly three years ago. Still, I continued to carry on my relationship with him but until this day I still feel so unsure! He wants to get married this month but I am not looking foward to it...actually I am just feeling sick about it. My feelings are so confusing because one part of me doesn't want to marry him but another part of me says I don't think I can live without him because he does help me a lot when it comes to my faith and that part of me feels secure with him, isn't that the most important? The other male is a Christian preparing to be a Muslim. He is not well experianced at all when it comes to Islam, not like my fiance. I really don't know what to do. I hope that somebody can shed some light on this issue because I am really tired of how I feel and i just want it to be over with. And ofcourse I don't want to be unfair to anyone and keep them hanging...

Please help me...

Thank you!

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its your choice dear; marriage is a big descision and you need to choose wisely.

having doubts is a sign not to go with it or wait a little bet before you get committed. Faith is important but you cant depend on an individual for it, you need to start doing your research and look for it yourself.

Love is important (i believe) and this wont come if there is no strong bridge for communication. A bridge need to link two places together and it need to be supported by the two shores.

Basically, you need to talk to him .... tell him your fears and doubts if you cant it means the bound is too weak to move on to the next chapter.

I remind you again that the decision is yours and i think you already made one; you just want us to confirm it for you

wish you the best of luck

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Guest mo93

i know this might sound silly, because obviously is not that easy, but i really dont think you should. firstly the istikhara came out bad, an istikhara is direct guidance from Allah, we should not ignore it once we've done it. also, the fact that he flirts and arranges mutah with your friends is worrying, it is not a nice trait. imagine spending the rest of your life with doubts, theyd eat away at you and drive you mad. why does he need to chase your friends? arn't you enough? <---that was a rhetorical question btw :P. but seriously, another thing to think about is how religious he really is. he may pray, fast, read dua, but then look at his actions, hes flirting with your friends, arranging mutahs with them, and saying stuff like 'iv got to give her what she wants'. another thing, chemistry and genuine affection is really important. there is a hadith by the Prophet which actually encourages you to seek a partner you get on with. finally, his anger. if he loses his temper with you whilst hes young, not living with you AND not even married yet, imagine what he'd do when you live togethor and are married. it would be awful. if iv missed anything out or you want to ask me any questions or discuss anything, msg me. btw, iv had, though not quite similar, but i have 1 experience with love and wanting to get married, and it nearly caused ALOT of problems, but al hamdulilah i made the right choice by not going ahead with it.

inshallah Allah helps and guids you.

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It does sound like you've made up your own mind already.

I don't know your fiance, but based on what you've said i'd be very worried about his anger problems, flirting and blackmailing. That is not something you want to have to deal with for the rest of your life. Many people have had traumatic childhoods, but thats no excuse when a person is a mature adult who is able to control their actions and behaviour. Its never a good thing to have to not tell him things because you're afraid of how he'll react.

Also, the flirting thing is a big no no, especially with friends of yours. Your friends should know better too! And manipulating you is very wrong and immoral.

Being a wet blanket for me is something i'd think about seriously, because it's quite irritating to not have that compatibility with your partner. However, many would be willing to compromise on this (i personally wouldnt).

I'd trust a sheikh's istikhara over a layperson, especially a friend of his.

Bottom line: are you staying with him because you want to, or because you feel obliged to? You dont owe him anything while you are not married, so this is really your biggest chance to control the situation and where you want it to go.

In terms of the other guy, i'd try and forget about him until this situation is sorted and more importantly till he actually becomes a muslim. Even then, i'd give it a bit of time to see how he copes with being muslim before jumping into anything.

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Salam sis,

Anger problem is a major issue. If it bothers you now, it'll ruin you after the marriage. You don't sound like someone who's in love and looking forward to marry your fiancee. Normally people feel like that after 5 years of marriage when they start to settle and become 'best friends' with their spouse, but from your story... it seems he doesn't even care about what you think. If he chats with other girls and flirts with other girls behind your back before marriage he'll still continue this.... many men become worse in this area after marriage...

trust your guts... but pray for guidance.... being single and happy is 100000000000000000000 times better than stuck in a marriage with a self centred man who doesn't give nothing about how you feel... (pardon the double negative)

its all about communication, and you don't seem to have a good one going with him

Edited by Armans Wife

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(salam)

I'm sorry that your search for guidance hasn't gone quite as smoothly as you would have wished, but never the less, it sounds like you have made progress. Sister, you sound very open minded, patient and appear to be a seeker of the truth, it doesn't sound like this guy deserves you in the slightest.

May Allah guide you in the right way, and show you the right road to take and give you the strength to take it. ws

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If you can get the Christian to convert he seems to be a better option. This is your life. You should marry the one you want.

Edited by JimJam

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Anger problem and bad tempers should always be a big red flag when screening a potental husband. Anger issues are always difficult to get under control fully, they may succeed for a while but will usually resurface when problems arise, or if he is under stress. Difficult to say how much anger problems and bad tempers are linked to domestic violence, but a husband would be very unlkely hit his wife when he is in a calm mood, but far more likely when he is having a bad temper tantrum. Does not mean he will be a wife beater, but bad tempers and problems controlling anger would probably increase the chances.

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Listen to your instinct. You have received enough signs. And from all those signs, the one which I would take most seriously is the anger issue (as Armans wife and Irishman have also pointed out). Sure you can calm him down today. But imagine doing that constantly for the rest of your life. Its going to eat at you and wear you down. How long will you be able to handle living in constant fear? Slowly, you will decide not to say certain things in case "it sets him off". So you will suppress your opinions and in turn suppress your own personality.

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(salam)

I am not sure the first guy is trustworthy. He seems to have too many issues (anger, flirting with other girls and too demanding/forceful).

I think the Christian man who converted to Islam sounds like a nice man.

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AA Sister

I hope you are well inshallah. Dont let these Shaitaney doubts get to you! Just make it clear to him how you are feeling and why you are feeling. He must know this. You have to allow him to clarify himself. I am telling you from experience that marriages only break down due to lack of communication. Simple!

Just say Bismillah and pray 2 rakat Salaat and just do it. You have spent 2 years together so there must be some compactibilty there. Also sister true love only develops after you are married and live together.

His temper problems will reside in good time with patience from your side because Allah will put this idea in his head.. and also in any marriage, if person is angry, the other person should back down and you WILL be rewarded in the long run. believe me sister.. Dont let your doubts confuse you any further.

Also sister, this spark you talk about is only temporary in any marriage in the begining of any relationship. Once the "honeymoon" period is over its thats where the real test begins. You wil laugh inshaAllah when you look back at this!

So you just need to make it clear to him.

1. You dont like him flirtings with other females. Tell him.. this is an issue of "Haya and Ghair", if he is religious person, he will understand and respect you for this and will stop if he sincerely loves you. Worst case, put it in the marriage contract as a safeguard that he cannot marry without your permission.

2. Tell him, that his anger needs to be controlled, because this really scares you and that you are worried how he will behave towards you. He need this "wake up" call NOW and also be able to ponder and reflect on these words before the marriage.

Furthermore things sister, forget about the christian brother at this stage because remember you are STILL in a relationship and you need to focus on your present fiance as you been with him. Furthermore if I found out my fiancee is looking at other potentials.. I would be extremely hurt.

Let me know how you get on and inshaAllah I pray that Allah makes it easier for you.

Edited by malang786

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(salam)

Take a risk? Does she know his flaws? What if he doesn't want to marry her?

There are risks in both the situations. The biggest risk now is the impending marriage and she needs to decide ASAP. She indicates a number of things that would make any girl think twice. And she is thinking twice about marrying her fiancée.

To the original poster, if you are reading this, please don’t decide with the idea that you have a backup plan. You should not make a decision with the thought that you have another guy in the background that you see yourself with. Both of you may like each other now, but come tomorrow he may decide that you are just not the right girl for him or worse, he may return to his old religion, and that will be the end of the story.

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I have suspected and I have evidence of him talking to two of my female friends who like him. There is a lot of flirting involved and plans to meet and arrange a temporary marriage with one of them. This has made me really upset, and I am even more unsure now to go ahead with this marriage. He keeps joking about it and saying 'oh I can't wait, I must give her what she wants' and laughing and all this stuff which deep down inside hurts because I am jelous. Then again...he was waited a long time for me to say yes to marriage but I keep delaying because of my doubts and unexplainable unsureness in my heart. He tells me he has the right to go with others, since I am not planning to marry him any time soon. However, i think he is just blackmailing me and manipulating my feelings to convince me to marry him.

Sounds like a complete jerk. If he can't be loyal to you and wait for you, he doesn't deserve you.

Also, it might sound frivolous, but having a sense of humor is really important. Having a partner who can make you laugh and lighten up even when you have serious problems, that is so essential. I don't know what I would have done if my husband didn't crack jokes like uhh 24x7 LOL.

Edited by Whizbee

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He has already called the sheikh and arranged what date to get married, without even asking me about it. I am supposed to go see his sister for a week before we get married, he told me today ''I can't wait until u go for a week, ill be able to be single for that time!.'' I said oh that's cheating, he said ''well its cheating from an islamic perspective i can do whatever i want.'' ';( that upset me. I mean ok fair enough mutah marriage is there, its available and it's allowed but shouldn't it only be allowed for neccessaryu special cases? surely not because ur getting married and u jus want to have fun before u do;(

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(salam)

What are you going to do with this marriage plan? Are you going on with it?

Don't you think you should speak up or do something before it is too late? Unless you really want to be married to him and we are misunderstanding you posts.

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(salam)

You gotta go with your gut. That intuition's not there for nothing. Something's telling you something is not right, because something actually ain't right. You're young, take a step back. Breathe in some oxgyen, do some thinking about what you want to do with your life.

ws

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I dont think you need advice on what to do - just read what you wrote - you are advising yourself.

Would you advise someone you really care about to marry this man?

What if you are that person you really care about?

  • When he's angry he GET'S ANGRY. I am afraid to tell him how I really feel most of the time (if it is negative) because he will only shout and get aggressive.
  • My family don't like him at all and have had several arguments.
  • but many times I just feel he is just not the one for me,
  • I don't feel the 'spark', the excitement,
  • I don't look foward to marrying him at all next month.
  • I've always had doubts about him and I've tried to fight them off,
  • Though, no matter how much I try I really feel like not completely happy with this man and I do feel unsure about getting married.
  • I have suspected and I have evidence of him talking to two of my female friends who like him. There is a lot of flirting involved and plans to meet and arrange a temporary marriage with one of them.
  • This has made me really upset, and I am even more unsure now to go ahead with this marriage.
  • He tells me he has the right to go with others, since I am not planning to marry him any time soon.
  • One of them is his bad temper,
  • another because he is a VERY serious person and a bit of a wet blanket, or should I say VERY wet blanket. In other words...I feel quite bored around him a lot.
  • He hardly ever makes me laugh
  • I don't feel satsified.
  • I feel if I married him, I would be missing out on alot of things.
  • I definetely feel I can find someone who is more fitting to my type of personality
  • I met a Christian man who I have taken a great liking to.
  • He wants to get married this month but I am not looking foward to it...actually I am just feeling sick about it
  • He has already called the sheikh and arranged what date to get married, without even asking me
  • ''I can't wait until u go for a week, ill be able to be single for that time!.''
  • I said oh that's cheating, he said ''well its cheating from an islamic perspective i can do whatever i want.''

(salam)

You gotta go with your gut. That intuition's not there for nothing. Something's telling you something is not right, because something actually ain't right. You're young, take a step back. Breathe in some oxgyen, do some thinking about what you want to do with your life.

ws

IA Women are very intuitive and need to trust this intuition. If something does not feel right, then chances are, It is not right.

Edited by Maryaam

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ur just sticking with him bcoz he help u in faith ?

well i dont see him a practicing Muslim if he is involved in flirtings and feel great about it, saying he will have temporary marriage with ur female friend. Muta is not a joke. if ur christian friend is loyal to u and he converts to Islam . thats the best option i think is for u. u can learn about the faith from many people. online friends local in ur area and people in mosques, and forums like this one.

just chose a person u know will keep u happy instead of beating u and cheating on u with other females.

thats my thinking

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