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rkazmi33

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About rkazmi33

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    Shia Islam

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    Female

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  1. rkazmi33

    Thoughts 2018

    It's obvious his girlfriend was trying to trap him in a relationship by making him responsible for a kid. I guess it would have been better if he decided to have not one but many kids, stopped working, and just spent his life having kids with different women, and not worry about fulfilling any responsibility towards his kids. I posted this hoping that men would develop some empathy towards women. It's kind of a forced marriage situation which millions of women deal with. The Islamic punishment for abortion is only to pay blood money. Three years in jail is much bigger punishment than paying blood money (which he could easily afford since he was a doctor).
  2. rkazmi33

    Thoughts 2018

    https://people.com/crime/doctor-drugged-pregnant-girlfriend-drink-abortion-pill/ What do people think about this? I am very interested in reactions to this news.
  3. @Amira00 and @ShiaChat Mod Thank you both for your concern. I will definitely try counseling.
  4. I am trying to avoid conflict and drama. For some people, constant fighting and debate is entertainment, for me it is emotionally draining and it makes me very upset. Marriage is also like a soap opera, people create love triangles, rectangles and enjoy the drama they get to see in marriages. I don't like soap operas. Any sane and decent person will try to avoid fighting and soap operas. The bottom line is marriage is not wajib, and only I have the right to decide when to get married. If anyone is forcing me into making this decision, they are wrong. I will try to find a religious roommate, thank you for your advice. I will also look into therapy. There are shelters for muslims in my city. If things get really bad, I will contact them.
  5. @Anonymous2144! It's not just about kids. I read a Hadith that one corrupt woman can corrupt 1000 men and right now most of women have become corrupt. These women are sadistic, narcissists or they want to make all women like them. That's why they only target married men, especially husbands of modest women. So that they can torture those women, treat them like slaves. You know why my father hates me so much? He is having affairs with women of my age and those women think I don't deserve to live in a big house while those women have to live in apartments. I am more than happy to trade places with those women. I think their men are angels, since they are tolerating such women but do those women allow me to even look at their men? NO. I had close relationships with only 2 men in my life. My ex-husband and my father and this is my impression: men don't have the ability to think or distinguish between right and wrong. They are all slaves to the promiscuous women, and they act like their pet dogs. Always attacking and terrorizing women whom their queens dislike. I am surrounded by promiscuous women. So even if by some miracle, I find a good man, he will be corrupted by these women. This is why they want me to have kids. Now I can go out of the house whenever I see my father in attack mode and escape him. If I have kids, I won't be able to escape him. Yes, I am a man-hating feminist. I am not sure if man-hating is correct word because I hate those women more who betray their own gender to get power. And there are a lot of women like that. This is my suggestion for all women. If you don't have a group of at least 4 or 5 loyal men in your life, who are always ready to protect you, this is a sign that you are one of the modest women. Don't get married, because you will be only miserable. Your only purpose of life will be to give an ego boost everyday to some queen or princess.
  6. Thank you for your advice. I can afford $500-$600 per month rent. I think it would be safer to live with a room-mate or friend than to live alone. All the horror stories I have heard in which women were killed involved women who lived alone. I also think that if a person is attacking one person, at least the other person can call 911. I don't know I guess it's a false sense of security. I will try to stay as long as I can.
  7. @Islandsandmirrors And @starlight thank you for your replies. My question was more about how do I find a room-mate? I did live with a room mate when I was in college for 3 years and it wasn't bad. I have become more mature and much more patient since then. I have 2 cousins in Pakistan, both of their parents died and their brother went abroad. They started living with an old woman who was their neighbor. But I cannot find any such arrangements here. I guess when most Americans move out of their parents' houses, they live with their friends? You can understand if it's so hard to find a roommate for me, how hard it must be to find a good life partner? Thank you @Islandsandmirrors for understanding. My emotional state is not good for marriage right now. My parents did give me unconditional love until my marriage. As I stated earlier, if my own parents cannot tolerate me, it makes me feel like I am bad person. I have developed fear of people. I guess a lot of people live alone. I am just frustrated because for women living in conservative society like Pakistan, there are options available. But there are no options for me.
  8. My parents have been pressurizing me to get married a lot recently. They were educated, broad-minded, kind parents. But now they have turned into uneducated, close-minded village people who think that I am out of control, and they need to "tame" me by getting me married. They constantly talk about how spoiled I am, and I am some sort of atheist. This is ridiculous because I try to follow Islam as much as I can. I only refuse to get married and have kids: these two things are not wajib. What's even more ridiculous is that my elder sister is not married, I have many cousins in Pakistan who are unmarried and older than me. Still they act like I am the only girl in the family who is refusing to get married/ and I am out of control/ having affairs. I am independent, I only live with them because I am scared to live alone. But they treat me like some rural girl in a backward village of Pakistan whose whole purpose in life is to get married and have kids. They need a male heir for their property and they are sure, only I can give them that heir. This is also ridiculous because they didn't have a son, and there's no guarantee that if I get married, I will be able to give them a male grand son. I am so hurt by their double standards and their behavior and I want to move out. We have seen numerous threads on shiachat created by women in the similar situations. They are going through emotional, psychological abuse and people always tell them to move out and become independent. The thing is, I can be financially independent, but I have never lived alone in my life. In Pakistan, there are hostels for working women where they can pay rent and live and they don't have to worry about their safety. Is there such an arrangement in US? I can look for a room-mate, but I think if my own parents cannot tolerate me, how will a room-mate tolerate me? And what if it's not safe? It seems like most people are part of cults and they are always looking for new recruits. Is it possible to find a room-mate who will not interfere in your life decisions and will let you live? Should I look for a muslim roommate or may I live with a non-muslim roommate? My parents have told me many times to move out. If I move out, will they leave me alone? People who are constantly interfering in my life, will they not find other ways to disturb me even if I move out? I have told them many times that I can pay them rent if they want, but I just don't understand what they want from me. They just need a scape-goat all the time. Last year, it was my cousin who was staying at our house. He is the only doctor in our family, and he is very harmless person. He stayed at our house because he was trying to get residency. He used to go out of the house at 9 am everyday, came back at 9 pm, only had breakfast and dinner at our house, still I was shocked at how my parents treated him. They were always talking against him, calling him useless and lazy, spoiled and all sort of names. Since he is gone, I am their next target and it's effecting my self esteem so much. What are my options?
  9. Salam! I am very sorry to learn about your situation. My suggestion is to forget about marriage. If you marry someone your family chooses, he will probably have the same mentality. But don't marry someone without approval of your family. As you mentioned, your father will probably kill you. People will probably tell you, that you live in west. It's not so easy to kill someone. But trust me, even if your family doesn't kill you, they will find a way to make your life hell. Right now, you need to focus on your career, so that you can become independent in case your family tries to force you to get married with someone. You can do minimum payment for your debt. Go to a councellor and ask about a career in which you won't need to interact with people a lot. I am sure such jobs exist. Dealing with a husband is much harder than dealing with co-workers. You need to become emotionally strong before you get married. I will repeat, don't get married to anyone without your family's approval but don't say yes to any marriage they arrange for you. This is just a bad time for women. I will say you have been lucky because none of the men you had relationships with, tried to black mail you. Focus on solving one problem at a time. My suggestion is that you should focus on finding a suitable job for you and forget about marriage and your debt (if it is possible, just make the minimum payment every month). If you can find a job, it will be good for your self esteem and you will feel you have some control over your life. Don't buy a car, or a house. Try to save money as long as your family doesn't force you to get married. Try to get medications for your depression/ anxiety. Medications really help a lot.
  10. rkazmi33

    What was the reason you got married ?

    I want to add that many elders in eastern culture have this stupid idea that newlyweds love each other so much. They are going to forget Allah, they should only have Allah in their hearts. So we should create problems between them. Also sexual desire is natural. There is nothing wrong with having that desire. They should not suppress it at all, but love? Nooooooo love is a satanic desire. We should only love Allah or our children or our parents. We should NOT love our partners. They don't understand that love between married couples decreases over time anyway. They will spend so many time together, they will have fights. If they start hating each other from start, how will they tolerate each other after few years? If they are in honeymoon phase, let them be. Stop feeling jealous of them just because you had honeymoon phase 50 years ago and you had so many affairs that now you don't ever feel the excitement of honeymoon phase when you enter a new relationship. Anyone who falls in love is a slave to his/her desires. But people suffering from sex addiction are poor souls we should all feel sorry for. It's not their fault, Allah put that desire in them.
  11. rkazmi33

    What was the reason you got married ?

    Marriage is not a romantic movie but it doesn't have to be a horror film either.
  12. rkazmi33

    What was the reason you got married ?

    I actually agree with this. I have a theory about this: we have all heard that marriage completes half a deen and your prayer is worth 70 times more when you are married. So how can we expect it to be easy and fun? If it has more sawab, it has to make your life harder. For me, it was like I was transferred to another planet, and I came back as soon as I got divorced. No one knew about my divorce initially, people didn't even want to accept that divorce had happened, but I immediately felt like my life became easier. This is why I am so scared of marriage. I was in fact very over-excited at my wedding and people didn't like that. My ex-husband looked very bored, almost like it was unpleasant experience for him. But I think the reason was that 1)he didn't like me at all, he hated me from the first time he saw me. 2) He had plenty of affairs before marriage, he wasn't "saving" himself for me. I would never want to be anything like him in a million years. I don't mind if I looked over-excited at my wedding.
  13. rkazmi33

    Struggling with Silah e Rehmi

    For me, it has also been 4 years since I stopped hanging out with any 'friends'. Now people constantly tell me that all my problems are because of Qata rehmi, and my life will be shortened because if this. I have seen some people, who get punished for their kindness but they still keep giving. I don't know how they do it. I have a lot of free time, so I want to make friends, but I am so scared because of my past experiences.
  14. rkazmi33

    Struggling with Silah e Rehmi

    There is a Hadith by Imam Ali (A.S.) : Jis Kay saath naiki Karo, us Kay shar say bacho'. In English, it translates to 'no good deed goes unpunished'. I have noticed that whenever I am nice to someone, that person backstabs me or harms me in some other way. Now I can ignore if someone doesn't reciprocate my kindness, but it hurts when someone responds to kindness in a harsh way. This is why I have stopped making any friends, giving gifts to my relatives. I try to do charity by giving to people I will never meet in real life. There is another Hadith which means 'the person you love most will hurt you the most'. I don't know if this is the way universe works or this happens intentionally. If someone is kind to me, I will want to return the kindness. I would never want to hurt that person, but sometimes I end up hurting people who are kind to me unintentionally. I have noticed this a lot and now whenever I give a gift to any relative, I prepare myself for getting verbal attacks from them. And I intentionally taunt some people constantly because as long as I am mean to them, they remain quiet. When I ignore them, they start attacking me.
  15. rkazmi33

    Valid reason for not having kids?

    You can easily pay someone to do qaza prayers and keep qaza fasts. Also, I am very much dependent upon my mother's prayers for everything going okay in my life. God Forbid, if something happens to her, I am pretty sure I will have so many problems that I won't be able to do any thing for her. I have seen elderly people work more than their kids. I would prefer to live in a nursing home than to serve my spoiled kids in my old age. In nursing home, at least I will get a chance to lie in bed all day. OP! Your friend is a good and rare man. He is honest and responsible, most men want to have lots of kids, because they know they will never be responsible for anything. They don't worry about whether they can take care of kids or not, they just ask their wives for more kids like children ask for toys.
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