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Anisa Bandeh Khoda

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About Anisa Bandeh Khoda

  • Rank
    Servant of Zahra
  • Birthday December 5

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  • Location
    31°57'S, 115°52'E
  • Religion
    Shia Muslim

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    Private

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  1. My messed up in-laws! Help!

    W'salam , I thank you very much for your prayers. I never went to a shelter, I stayed at a friends place until I found a stable place. The shelter is a great place to go to though, the social workers will help you in every way possible (this would be an ideal path to take if you do not have any trustworthy friends). The NZF help muslims regardless of which sect you stem from. They never asked me those questions.. they saw i was muslim and helped. Well the community don't know i am not home, so even when they find out , they may think I am living away from home due to studies. But until then, i have joined another community. I no longer attend my "particular' community... All i am trying to do for now is complete my studies.
  2. My messed up in-laws! Help!

    Salaam all, I moved into my new 'home' last night. So here begins my new life. I thank each and everyone of the humble brothers and sisters who prayed for me. May Allah swt's blessings be with you all. I cannot thank you guys enough, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for your prayers. For those of you who've given me unconditional support, I apologies if i have been slow with my replies, I was in a mess and had many things going on all at once. Inshallah i will get back to you when i find the time. May Allah grant you with every success/happiness for the support you have bestowed upon me!!! Alhamdollilah now i am able to complete my studies in this peaceful house, hopefully find a job soon. Other than that, the National Zakat foundation rescued me! May Allah be pleased with their efforts. JazakAllah khayr!!!
  3. My messed up in-laws! Help!

    Salam all, I moved out of home today. The Muslim women in the community are trying to find me a more suitable long term accommodation. I tried to go to the residential college at Uni, But that didn't work out. Unfortunately as there were no rooms available. However I will be able to apply for next year. I contacted the sheikh one more time asking whether I could move out of home and if there was any other options and he responded with " I would advise that you cut all communication and ties with your family members, as they have perpetrated the worst of crimes against you." After his message I made the decision to move out of my fathers place and come to a friends place temporarily until i find a better place. Eltemas doa
  4. Marriage - where to start?

    OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I would do anything to go back to this dayyyyy YA Allah :'(
  5. My messed up in-laws! Help!

    Are you referring to my sister in law?
  6. My messed up in-laws! Help!

    5 of them are under 15, my older one. He's very cultural . And sadly not practising. He would never report my dad. instead he thinks I should've endured my fathers abuse for longer so ur fiancé didn't find out . They call me impatient, and make me feel guilty. He would rather save his "image" .
  7. My messed up in-laws! Help!

    I really want to know what ur reply was. I left ages ago. My fiancé forced me to return home before the public found out. Yeah, I hid all his privacy. He ruined everything by opening his mouth... I'm finished with my family. They don't care about mental health/ rather what public thinks of them. My mother has suffered abuse by my father for 24 years.
  8. My messed up in-laws! Help!

    One night when i had a mental breakdown. I was shaking and terrified of the abuser, since i knew he would come and abuse me. I reported his action to the police, i had enough, the police rocked up at 12 am. I was taken to the police station and They opened a case for me. The detectives took photos of bruises left from his bites. My brother called my fiance and told him to find me. Since the abuser new that only he would be able to convince me to return home and cancel the report. My fiance found me at a refuge home at 4am in the morning. And heartbroken, he questioned why i called the police on my father. I told him the reason. He promised me he would make me happy, and give me a gd future. What gd future... I did not see any of it. After this, I begged him not to tell his parents since that would obviously destroy everything. he betrayed me, and told his parents. The mother was rushed to the hospital. So when i moved in with them. They used this against me. I was labeled the daughter of .......... AFTER they found out what happen to me, they treated me like nothing, or rather punished me for being the victim. Prior to this, they respected me for being the only educated, daughter of my household. I have 6 brothers. no sisters. I reported it to the police and the womens sexual assault office? (SAARC). , but i told them to put it on hold, because i thought if my father ended up in jail. Then my fiance would leave me. Because his parents said you will ruin ur parents reputation and ours. My mother would not forgive me for revealing such a thing to the wider public. She would disown me. I was afraid . I didn't know what to do. I just thought if i could somehow make it to my husbands house then i will never put up with my father. I told my husband about all this, because he questioned why i didn't live at home with my family. I told him. He said cancel ur police report and no one must find out. HE didn't care about my mental wellbeing. He didn't even bother to take me to a GP or psychologist. All this time i sacrificed my own happiness for the damn image of my abuser.
  9. My messed up in-laws! Help!

    That was the way i handled it, i perceived her as a mentally unstable, crazy girl. I was so kind to her. I smiled at her, greeted her in the nicest way morning, and night. I never said No, or ur wrong. It was always, Ur right. I was gentle with her daughter. I bought her gifts for Eid and her daughters brithday. I did everything to earn her damn respect and for her to accept me. Instead . . . She mistreated me after all i did. She'd loose her temper at anything. and then go crazy only at me since she had power over me. I was the new girl. in her fathers home. I have so much pain, i don't want to ever go near her. She has put me in this grievous phase in my life. What sister would do this. . . not even an enemy would do such a thing.
  10. My messed up in-laws! Help!

    Why is it my FAULT brother/sister? You people have no idea why I am in their home. And i appreciate you for judging me without any knowledge of my decisions. I didn't want to tell the full story on here... but in order for you to understand my decisions i feel you will see the full picture better if i do. Let me take this a few steps back . . . I was being sexually abused at home by a family member. So when this suitor turned up at my door at that moment in time with his parents. Judging me by my education, modesty etc. I also accepted him. I thought that it was a blessing from Allah. Only because I was desperate to get away from the person who was sexually abusing me at home. I didn't want any one to find out what this person was doing. Otherwise that would create problems inside the home. and if anyone found out outside our home... THEN well that would be much worse. I contacted a sheikh in sydney, He told me to report the abuse and get that person reported to police. But in my culture its taboo to get the police at your front door. And if my fiance found out, he would've left me immediately and my chances of escape from my home would be 0. When i was at his home .. the issue with the sister inlaw occured. I returned home. I live in fear, i am going through so many overwhelming thoughts. I am suicidal sometimes, but through prayer and quran recitation, i find comfort and peace. But its much complicated. I feel like running away and vanishing from my home because "that" person is here, husband and the community. I am so sick of my life. I need help!
  11. My messed up in-laws! Help!

    Yeah that's what I'm enduring. A home of stupid people. I am tired of culture. It's not my problem I'm stuck here in this situation. I'm already going mental.. I'm not the sharp, confident person I was prior to moving in to their home. My people go by their culture religiously. I on the other hand don't. I'm forced to follow it. If I don't I'm judged as "disobedient/rebellious". It's ridiculous.
  12. My messed up in-laws! Help!

    Our parents have no contact. A month after we got married, the relationship between our parents collapsed. My sister in law being the idiot she is, accused my innocent mother of "doing black magic on her brother (my husband)". She only said this because when she looses her temper she does/says terrible things. My mother was appalled and shocked. My father and mother were outraged and hence did not take this lightly. They felt very disrespected. They just told me to endure the dramas. My mother had observed their family for 2 years and had never seen what they were like "behind closed doors". Neither had I.
  13. Salam all, I've been married for about 5 months, and all this while I've been living with my husband and his parents and 19 year old brother and divorced sister. Him and his family are cultural more than religious, and this is where the whole issue stems from. The moment I moved in with my husband, he had told me that his parents wanted their bride to live with them. My husband always stresses that his parents are old and is in need of his help ( I believe this is financial help). He also says that he has never separated from them since birth. Since he is the eldest son, his parents rely on him in every way. The only reason why I accepted this deal was because I was not aware of the behaviour of his family members. My issue i believe is getting out of my hand. Which is why I have come to seek some proper advise from you lot. Pls pls pls help me! Firstly, I cannot tolerate my sister in law, she is a 22 yr old divorced girl with a 2 yr old daughter. This girl, well, what can I say, she is legit your worst nightmare. When she looses her temper she starts banging on your door/walls and tries to pull your hair and rip your eyes out. 1 month after living in my husbands home, She started to make jealous comments whenever my husband complimented me on anything. She also had fights. A toxic fight started when she accused me and my husband of hitting her 2 year old. She called the police on us both. Later she apologized and we let her get away with it. The major issues i have with her are; she eaves drops behind my door and she constantly yells at her 2 year old ( I hate her voice and i get scared when she yells). She threatens me and she verbally,physically abuses me (swears and curses me). She walks into my room without my consent and tells me that I have no right to call my mother when I am in her fathers home. I dislike her for screaming and yelling at me. She has made me develop depression and i feel fearful of her. I legit have to watch every move I make because she may snap or create another fight. I am a masters student, and with all her attitude and behaviour, I have become very forgetful and quite. Secondly, my mother & father inlaw. They are both uneducated to the point where they have no basic logic. They only thing they're good at are their cultural practices. They are dependent on my husband and they put a lot of pressure on him. My husband lets out his anger and frustration on me sometimes. My mother in law is very annoying. I don't want to go there. Lastly, my husband is very cultural and believes if he leaves his parents to support me and create a better environment for us to live/study in, that his parents would not forgive him and they would curse him for his action. Other people will judge him in the community and create stories/rumours. So he fears he will never succeed or have a peaceful life with me, "because it is only by your parents prayers that you can achieve a perfect life". I disagree in that his parents are not very pious to the point where their prayers will create chaos for our future life together. He is very close-minded, he doesn't let me go out anywhere on my own. He is very controlling and gives me no privacy ( text msgs). I am not like him. I do not interfere with any of his work/decisions etc. He is not understanding of my feelings of fear, sadness and depression created by the actions of his sister and mother, he does not listen to me, he ignores my complaints. He is used to the behaviour of his family members. But he doesn't understand that this is too much for me to bear. Although I only complain/mention it when he asks me why i am not happy. Otherwise i keep silent and try to endure their unwanted actions. Now, it has been 3 weeks that I have left his house, I am in my mothers home, and my father inlaw believes that I have " ended my marriage" by walking out of their home. Note his cultural way of making judgements. I left the home because the final day I was there, my sister in law created a very very big argument. I had enough, and left the house. Perviously, I had asked my husband every day, to move out into a rental together. But he never approved of this. Then that day when her sister did the crazy psychotic things she does, i got overwhelmed and my instincts told me to leave the haunted place. My mother was witness to her actions and told me to return home. Well, We are at the point where my husband is trying to convince his father to allow him to move out with me. His father says, that in our culture we must live together and separation is not acceptable. Seriously, i just want to destroy this culture. This culture is filthy and I don't like it This is creating alot of tension and stress. I am finding it difficult to focus on my studies. I am beginning to think that this may reach a divorce stage. I am not grasping any of this myself. I have no idea whats happening or where this is going. My father in law is angry at me, and does not realise that what his daughter has done has lead to this point. He is forgiving of his daughter but he thinks what i did is not acceptable. Eltemas doa. I need doas, i do not want my marriage to breakdown. Although I have issues with my husbands ways, I still believe he is young (24) and will change after time. Note: I've lived in australia for 16 years and they 3 years. Any advice of what i should do?
  14. Marriage - where to start?

    Good old estekhara , I shall keep it in mind bro/sis
  15. Marriage - where to start?

    Thank you beautiful. I appreciate it
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