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Everything posted by Islandsandmirrors

  1. What is masculinity and femininity?

    Society determines rigid masculine and feminine ideals. To an extent, certain traits are part of biology, but masculinity and femininity is a social construct, therefore, that is why people have been trying to deconstruct the notions for at least 40-50 years now. If gender and its associated traits weren’t also part of a social construct, there would have never been any attempts to deconstruct the ideals in the first place.
  2. True, but I will also say that most of our 2 years together was long distance. So I believe you can know someone even long distance if that person is transparent and honest. I married him after two months of him living in my city. (He moved to be with me.)
  3. Men in the West are becoming Feminized

    Body positivity is primarily due to higher obesity rates and serve as counter-culture to female narrow demands of attractiveness and deeply-rooted Anglo-Saxon ideals. (Skinny, blonde, fair skinned.) Besides, Islam teaches society that men should not judge a woman by what she looks like, but by her Akhlaq, Deen, and character. Body Positivity is, in essence, an attempt to teach the same thing although it’s message might not be clearly communicated. In the end, men and women come in all shapes and sizes and skin tones and faces. Allah created variety within the human race. Although obesity is a controllable state, many people lack proper knowledge and resources on how to maintain a healthy weight. And, more importantly, men should accept women for what she looks like. There’s always someone more attractive and younger, hotter, etc. But what matters is the companionship and bond that has been created by a husband and wife. A wife will bear the pain of children, a product of your love, so how can men turn their backs on their wives after a little (or a lot) of weight gain? That’s what Body Positivity teaches. No matter who you are, how you present yourself, or what you look like, you deserve to be loved, and respected, treated humanely. And that the right person will love you. You can find love. If you don’t like fat women, then find someone who meets your standards of beauty, but don’t expect people to conform. Many heavier women, despite being louder and more confident in voicing their opinions, actually suffer from very low self-esteem and posses a negative self-image. Telling a fat woman to not hold onto to Body Positivity might make her hate herself even more. This is coming from a thinner woman, who has lost a lot of weight three years ago, and I’ve kept it off. (50 pounds.)
  4. Would you marry her?

  5. Potential Marriage Help

    It seems like you’re not a hundred percent willing to commit to her, so I suggest you cut her off now rather than later. You have to be 150% committed to the person and just as sure of the relationship. Marriage is not something you reluctantly try-out. Besides, there are plenty of sisters out there who have the potential to be suitable matches. and it honestly sounds like you’re settling for a “meh” marriage/relationship, and that there may be tension brewing between the two of you. I know this because I have a particular non-Muslim (Christian) friend who was in a relationship with an agnostic, largely because she wanted to give him a chance and/or guide him. Obviously, it didn’t work-out and they broke-up at least twice before they ended it for good just recently. Like your relationship, their love was largely conditional. There’s a Hadith in which is said to marry someone if you are pleased with the person’s character and religion. While you may love her character, perhaps in matters of religion, she may not be exactly compatible or what you’re looking for. No one can do wajiaats absolutely perfect with zero faults. All of us have missed a prayer or fallen short somewhere. We are imperfect beings in need of Allah. What matters however, is if we try to strive hard toward Allah. She doesn’t appear to be strong in the Deen yet. And due to this, her beliefs may go either way. She might become stronger in her faith, but she might not. Regardless, you don’t seem entirely convinced this person is your soulmate/best friend/ideal partner. Intuivitely, we all know who is the best match for us when we find it. What matters is that you listen to what your gut is telling you. With marriage, and the right person, it’s more of a “when you know, you know.” feeling. When you’re with the right person, it feels different. You know this person is different. And no one can compare. (Even though you’re not on Cloud 9 all day, everyday.) Have you done mutah before? I ask this because doing mutah with several women might shatter your confidence in your relationship descisions and abilities. Did you do mutah to get to know her better? I understand that you want to keep things halal, but mutah, at the end of the day, is a marriage and not a relationship test-drive or a “starter marriage.” If you don’t want to be permanently married in general now, I recommend not doing mutah at all.
  6. I married someone I met online. Alhamdulilah, he is everything he said to be. We have known each other for nearly two years. Not everyone who meets their spouse online is sinning or fall for liars.
  7. Need prayers to get married

    I’m very sorry to hear that. I completely empathize because I’ve met fellow Muslims like that, too. Muslim women are like that even with other sisters sometimes. Someone I grew-up with married a woman from back home and I said hi and tried to start conversation, and she looked at me like I was some alien freak from Neptune. Unfortunately, it’s just part of how uncultured people can be. That, and how awkward many Muslim women around the opposite gender. And how some Muslim men are rude and aggressive to women, so they are taken aback by your friendly greeting. Where to find Muslim women: usually in Islamic clubs in colleges are the Muslim women more adjusted and willing to carry conversation. If you attend mosques and approach them there, they might be a bit closed-off and very reluctant to carry conversation because the setting. Muslim women are much more open if you meet them at Islamic gatherings in people’s homes. In fact, most of the women attend those gatherings primarily to find suitors. I suggest attending every Islamic gathering you can. There is a Muslim app that a convert friend of mine uses called “Muz Match” (sp?) which shows if you’re practicing or not, Sunni or Shia, and the distance you’re willing to be matched to potentials. I think the app is a much better alternative to other Muslim match-making sites.
  8. Need prayers to get married

    PersonalityCafe, which is primarily a Personality/MBTI/Psychology forum. They’ve got great sub forums and it attracts people from all over the world.
  9. Your everyday outfit?

  10. Your everyday outfit?

    Sweater and jeans.
  11. marriage and spouse search USA/Canada

    This!!! I’ve heard good things come out of OkCupid. I met my husband on a psychology forum. (Personalitycafe.) obviously, not a dating app or website, but it was an easy way to get to know each other. While he was born and raised primarily in the US, we were long distance until recently and he lived halfway around the world. Meeting people from the ‘net is awesome.
  12. istikhara and divorce

    You not being married anywhere (legally recognized within the country you live.) is very bad news. Red flag. sounds like you did mutah. And since you’re not legally registered as husband and wife, I suggest you leave now before it’s too late.
  13. Need prayers to get married

    I met my husband online. It was on a forum. He messaged me. The mistake that women make is when they sit around waiting for “the one” to magically appear. You need to make effort to finding someone. Take action, talk to people. Forget what culture tells you. Stop being passive in your love life.
  14. istikhara and divorce

    Strangling someone is inexcusable behavior. He needs to learn how to control his temper. Honestly, I have never heard of anyone who strangles his spouse after a number on her phone. It’s not normal. however, I will say that now I’m recently married, I wouldn’t recommend divorce so easily. (Marriage is something truly binding and feels different than being in a relationship.) But rather, couple’s counseling. Sadness and anger toward your husband, if you don’t try to get help, will result in more fights and resentment might build-up. Try to allow open communication with your spouse.
  15. How long to get to know a potential spouse?

    I knew my spouse for eight months before I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, and it took 1 year and nine months total from knowing him until we got married. One week is definitely not enough time to get to know someone. As for getting to know someone for a shorter time and getting away with it—sure.
  16. I’m married!

    I got married last night to my best friend!! I’m SO happy! I can’t believe I’m officially a married woman now!!!
  17. Women's Intimacy in Marriage

    What you have heard from people regarding women and intimacy is a cultural belief, and definitely not Islamic. In fact, Islam, moreso than other religions, emphasizes that sex is an activity meant for both the men and women to enjoy and as a means for bonding and increased intimacy and closeness.
  18. More powerful: Iblees or Imams

    Imams. Iblees is not even the dung off a person’s shoe.
  19. Would you marry her?

    I can’t believe this thread is still happening.
  20. #31 Favorite Season?

    I loved winter up until recently. I think I’m loving Spring more as the days go by.
  21. I’m engaged!

    Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I can’t believe it! I was NOT expecting a proposal today! Now I wish I had done my nails a few days in advance. Lol. Pics coming soon!!!!!!! I don’t know what else to say other than I’m SOOOO excited to be marrying my best friend!!! I think I’m still in shock!!!
  22. Double Standards

    Double standards are everywhere in the world.
  23. Warning to all Muslim Women

    I personally don’t agree with the mentality that you have to “lock a man down” before a certain age. Instead, women should focus on finding the right partner for them. The right partner can show-up at anytime in life, and has no expiration date on when to enter your life. Also, women shouldn’t marry someone out of fear of growing older and getting “left on the shelf.” I know many girls in my social circle, who are my age, and get married because other people are getting married. (Mostly military men and Mormons.) A woman I used to know got married the first time because she was afraid to be left on the shelf. (In the late 60s) and she divorced her first husband. She’s been remarried for over 30 years, now. Girls who are educated are not going to marry men who aren’t willing to be driven and motivated to work hard. (It’s not about the job in particular—anyone can be a hard worker and people all have to start somewhere.) Like, would a girl marry an unemployed person, for example, who shows no incentive to work hard? It’s not about money, or status, it’s about working to make a living. To me, a guy could be a regular employee, but if I see that he’s dedicated and willing to do well for himself, you bet I’ll pick him over someone who has the qualifications on paper, but is lazy. Also, most women shouldn’t marry the first guy that comes along. (This mostly applies to Mormons, since they are highly pressured to get married in their late teens to early twenties.) Really spend time together to asses compatibility. The first guy you talk to likely won’t be the person who is a right match.
  24. the sadness never ends

    What do you think needs to change in order for you to be happy?
  25. I’m engaged!

    Ugh, dude, please get away from this thread with your subtle negativity and rudeness. Seriously, this is not the place for it.