21 replies to this topic

[m@ri@m]

Assalamu Alaykum,

I would like to ask for some advice... I converted to Islam some time ago (Alhamdulilah Allah (swt) guided me to the right path), and am very happy and at peace with my decision. I'm a 24 year old sister living in the UK. All of my friends and people around me accepted my decision alhamdulilah, but I am having serious issues with getting support from my family.

My mother is extremely against Islam due to many stereotypes that unfortunately come attached to it. She is not religious (my family is Christian, though they are not very religious..), and believes that there is no need to fast,wear al hijab or pray so often. In her eyes, it is a form of extremism.. I am trying my best to be patient in my explanation of things, but so far I had no luck. Important note is that I live separately from my family. I love them very much, and the holy Quran teaches us to respect and honour our parents.Of course at the same time, if they stand in a way of Islam it's different,but I am hoping that there is a way that I can make things better?

For example,on the last day of the holy month of Ramadhan my mother and I were arguing for 3 hours, with her trying her best to convince me against my decision, saying that she will never accept this. It is making our relationship very difficult, and I hope desperately that there is a way of making things better as you cannot unbelieve something like this once the truth comes to you.. And I am hoping to eventually have the support of my family.

Has anyone else had similar issues when they converted? How did you overcome these difficulties?

Thanks in advance for your advice and help.
Wassalams
Mariam.

[aliasghark]

Wa alaikum assalam. I'm not a revert but I've heard good things result if you're just really really nice to your family after your conversion - don't worry about their negative thoughts about Islam. Once they realize you've improved as a person and like you very much, they will Inshallah like your religion too.

(* I'm not a revert in the traditional sense)

[DoubleAgent4]

So sorry to hear about this..may Allah (swt) help you through this difficult period of your life. It's good you live by yourself, that's a positive aspect. Us raised Muslims can't follow the deen properly yet when someone converts we're so happy for them. We don't realise that they have given up everything just to be on the right path yet we get some Muslims that can't seem to abide by Islamic rules due to culture getting in the way..

Edited by Hawraa29, 24 August 2012 - 03:58 PM.

[Repentant]

Sallam Alykum sister,

I'm not a revert either but we do have reverts on this forum who will hopefully reply to you, you can even read some of their revert stories - it might have the answer your looking for.

But you have the answer yourself when you said "and the holy Quran teaches us to respect and honour our parents." Always keep connections with your family whether they are believers or not. Obey them but when they instruct you to do something that is against Islam then you disobey them on those things only. Have patience, eventually they will have to come to realize that this is your faith and they should respect it. And who knows, they might revert to Islam one day also inshAllah.

Patience is a Virtue in Islam.

[Logical Islam]

Treat her with respect. Logically tell her these are your beliefs, and that you can not change them. Help her whenever she needs help.

That is all you can do.

Don't cut of ties. If she refuses to see you, you do the courtesy of seeing her. She is clearly worried, so en devour to always open discussion with her.

[1472Maryam]

Have you seen the book Daughters of Another Path?  You should be able to get it through Amazon.  It is written by a Christian woman whose daughter reverted to Islam, and she talks about what she has learned about Islam as she came to terms with her daughter's decision, and she surveys other women who reverted as well.  It presents a pretty positive picture of Islam and may be a good book for you to read and then give to your mother.

On the bright side, even though you are having difficulties, at least you are still talking to each other.  Hang in there!

[coldcow]

As prophet Isa and Ghandi both once said, and I paraphrase, "if someone hits you on one cheek, smile and give him the other."

If you're getting into a really heated argument, just tell her that arguing with her isn't showing respect, and that would be against Islam, and excuse yourself.  But continue to be normal in every way possible, without going against anything Islamic.

I'm sure you already knew all this, but I'd recommend finding some local converts and getting some opinions from them.  You can discuss things much easier in person than on the net.

[m@ri@m]

Monad, on 24 August 2012 - 04:09 PM, said:

I am not a revert, However I am going to site my opinions.

Points to consider.

Ask her, would she accept if you took on another religion and followed it?

What if you practiced the real chrisitiany of Prophet Isa to its maxium, you would still do many things that she may see as extremisim. Then what?
I knew one christian who told me, that their family members fasted for 40days and abstained from certain foods. It was extremely difficult, because they just had to eat, bread, water and fruits.

Bring into example of extremes, i.e if leave this, then I will do this, and let her see the comparison through her own answers.

If you were not a muslim, would she accept that you marry a person from another race? ( many families hate their kids marrying other colors. )

Is her decision based on her opinion or of how she thinks others will perceive her?. Is she dictated by her own mind or the influences of her environment.?

Ask your mum why the family never practiced christianity properly?

Ask her, does she believe in God, if yes, then so do you, whats the problem?

The objective is to let your mother see her on prejudices, without preaching the religion it self. Your mother is just in a state of fear and confusion.

Thank you for your points and it's something me and my mom discussed.  She would class being a serious Christian (going to all church services, fasting and pilgrimage) as extremist too. When I was very young, I was seeking to know God, and so I went to the chirstian sunday school and mass every sunday for 5 years... My family never took me. And when my mom would come with me to a pligrimage trip, she would refuse to put the scarf on (christian have to do that too, only when you enter a church or a monastery), whereas I always would..I never found answers there and disagreed with the fundamental concepts that occur in christianity, which is what led me to Islam.

The point that my mom is trying to make is that if you are connected to God, if you have faith in your heart, then you don't need to be in sujud or to cover your hair because (according to her) this will not help you be closer to God. She says that by wearing the hijab, fasting and praying I am just trying to show off to the world..And she thinks we should keep our inner beliefs to ourselves. Obviously, I disagree with this 100%, and all I am trying to say to her is that I am at peace and that much in the same way as western girls fight for their rights to wear very little clothing and be treated with respect, I have the right to wear the hijab.

Basically, my mom sees that it's fundamentally not just Islam, it's being religious and following the sunnah of any religion is what she doesn't want for me. She thinks that by observing sunnah I am missing out on the real life. She says she believes in one God, but to her it doesn't matter what people call him, or whether she goes to church or not, because she prays to him in her head all the time...

I am not even going to bring up the issue of marrying a muslim...This is something she said she would never accept, and currently I am not even going to go there...I am just trying to get her to take me seriously and inshallah still love me.

1472Maryam, on 24 August 2012 - 10:49 PM, said:

Have you seen the book Daughters of Another Path?  You should be able to get it through Amazon.  It is written by a Christian woman whose daughter reverted to Islam, and she talks about what she has learned about Islam as she came to terms with her daughter's decision, and she surveys other women who reverted as well.  It presents a pretty positive picture of Islam and may be a good book for you to read and then give to your mother.

On the bright side, even though you are having difficulties, at least you are still talking to each other.  Hang in there!

Thank you sister for the advice. I will take a look and inshallah it will be helpful for my mom and for me. Wassalams..

Repentant, on 24 August 2012 - 04:21 PM, said:

Sallam Alykum sister,

I'm not a revert either but we do have reverts on this forum who will hopefully reply to you, you can even read some of their revert stories - it might have the answer your looking for.

But you have the answer yourself when you said "and the holy Quran teaches us to respect and honour our parents." Always keep connections with your family whether they are believers or not. Obey them but when they instruct you to do something that is against Islam then you disobey them on those things only. Have patience, eventually they will have to come to realize that this is your faith and they should respect it. And who knows, they might revert to Islam one day also inshAllah.

Patience is a Virtue in Islam.

Assalamu Alaykum,

Thank you, and in my duas I pray every day that Allah guides my family to the right path...Inshallah they will learn to accept the beauty of Islam with time..

[Abu Hadi]

Salam Alekum Sister,

I a revert to Islam from a Christain background. My family was Evangelical Lutheren (I live in the U.S., California at that time, now I live in a different state).
My mother first converted to Islam in 1985 after taking a class in Islamic Studies at University. When she converted, she was a single mother(my mom and dad divorced when I was 4) in University with three kids. We were living with my Grandparents who were elder members in the church and were well known and respected in the Christian community in our area (Los Angeles). When my mother finally told them that she was muslim (when she started wearing hijab), they told her that she was going to hell and also told us kids that about our mother (I was in elementary school at the time) and then kicked us out of the house and we were homeless for a few months (not on the street but moving from place to place). Before this we were a close and large extended family with many relatives and cousins. My mother didn't speak to her parents for about two years and I didn't speak to them for about three years.

My sister became muslim about two years after that, then me two years later and then my brother. Also now, we are speaking to them again and I have flown back to California about three or four times to visit them and I talk to them on the phone about once a month and also my other relatives. The main way that we re-established the relationship in by following the advice of the Prophet(p.b.u.h) and Imams(a.s) by preaching thru our actions. Even though after what they did to us and what they said, we never reciprocated that and we treated them kindly and respectfully even though it was difficult at first (o.k. very difficult) . I am not trying to brag and all help is from Allah(s.w.a) and this only happened because Allah(s.w.a) gave us the sabr thru the Wasilat (means of approach). So if you practice Islam in your actions toward them, it does get better. I know this is hard to believe as a new revert, but trust me, I'm a mod (lol). I was skeptical
about this myself for a few years and never thought that we would have any sort of a normal relationship after what happened. Salam.

Also, in the last few years, they have even begun to say that there is a lot of similarities between Islam and Christianity and have explicitly stated that they no longer believe that we are going to hell, even though they are still evangelical Christian and they still watch Benny Hin and love Billy Graham and Ronald Reagan

Edited by Abu Hadi, 25 August 2012 - 08:01 AM.

[Zahra1]

Alsalam alikum,

I am not a revert, but I have many reverts friends who live in UK.

I can introduce you to some of them if you want,

so you can ask them these questions yourself.

Let me hear from you, please.

[Zahra1]

Wa alikum alsalam dear sister,

You are welcome.

Yeah, you can't send a private message, because your posts are less than 50 posts.

I got your e-mail, but I advise you to delete it, so you can avoid meesages from random guys.

Thank you for your trust.

Edited by Zahra1, 25 August 2012 - 01:50 PM.

[tahiraansari]

salams,
I'm a revert in the states. I knew I had the Truth from Allah when I came to Islam and this was thebest thing to have. When I visited my family who I was living far away from found out, they just looked surprised. I told them 'Look, this is just all the good values you raised me in and so much more... and all of it is good.
I dropped friends who were decent but were now on a different track than I was and had some behaviors against Islam. Then I couldn't relate at work because people wanted to go out drinking after work sometimes and i didn't. Then it was hard to find friends. Forget men as friends. Then didn't want anyone other than Shia as Ahlu Bayt a.s. said they are not muslims and they left the religion and were thrown from it. Married women didn't want the single women as they were afraid their husbands would want to marry us.
I know yoiu live with your family and that's harder in many ways. But look, the message is, this is a hard road but the only one that is worthwhile. Even if you find yourself with a certain group of friends, you may later find they are not guiding you in the right way.
I don't want to be negative, just to let you be aware of what's out there. Even the Ahlu Bayt a.s. says that the Muslims are the veil of islam.
Wouldn't change a moment of it. It's all worth every moment of it.
If fit were me I would just go about my life and let your parents see your actions. Maybe after your family sees your behavior, they will change... if not, so what.
It's Islam or nothing so just keep moving along on the path. Yoiu will leave many things behind...and gain, InshaAllah the best of things.

[ShiaBen]

I agree with several of the users above. The best way to convince her you're normal and that this conversion won't transform you into some extremist as she suggests is to show her the value of Islam by using yourself as a role model or embodiment of the religion. Be nice to her, warm, empathetic, show her that this reversion has transformed your character for the better, not for the worse. Hopefully it will have some impact on her so she can understand that there's nothing wrong or bizarre.

[Muhammad Ibrahim]

I'm also a convert and had similar problems. Basically just give her a reality check. Fasting is for devotion to God and for health. Praying only takes 2-5 minutes and it's not like anyone is holding a gun to your head, it's something you CHOOSE to do. The hijab is a sign of a woman's value, I don't see why she would be against it. Does she prefer for her daughter to be sexually objectified?

Muhammad Ibrahim, on 24 August 2012 - 12:09 PM, said:

It's hilarious how some Westerners preach that not being a sex object means your oppressed. Think about it, a woman willingly covering her hair because she doesn't want to be 'eye candy' for men means she's oppressed? If you're not a sexual object, you have no value as a person and are oppressed? What hilariously assbackwards logic.


You may be interested in this video:



Translation:
"It is important that you are aware that the hijab that has been prescribed by Islam is for the remembrance/wariness of your value. Every right that a man has a woman has. The right to vote, the right to receive votes, the right to own (property, finances, etc) in every form. In every field a right that a man has a woman has as well. However, there are things for men that are restricted to prevent what would lead to the corruption from the situations that go against the chastity of a woman, and there are things for women that are restricted that would lead to the deterioration of a woman's value in society. [The religion of] Islam intended to keep the humane nature of a woman protected, so that she is not a toy in the hands of men."

[Sapphire]

So proud of you sister. I will INSHALLAH pray for you. Don't worry eventually everything will get better.

[EastTexasShia]

Never will the Jews nor the Christians be pleased with you (O Muhammad Peace be upon him ) till you follow their religion. Say: "Verily, the Guidance of Allah (i.e. Islamic Monotheism) that is the (only) Guidance. And if you (O Muhammad Peace be upon him ) were to follow their (Jews and Christians) desires after what you have received of Knowledge (i.e. the Qur'an), then you would have against Allah neither any Wali (protector or guardian) nor any helper.(Holy Qur'an 2:120)

Edited by EastTexasShia, 26 August 2012 - 11:53 AM.

[Gypsy]

The best approach in your situation is to separate your religious belief from her. You need to make a deal with your mother that whenever you guys interact with each other, then the issue of your/her religion should not be brought up. Avoid discussing anything religious with her because she is extremely intolerant and hostile towards your religion. If you can't make your mother understand your religion, then at least hope for peace. And you won't have any peace as long as you continuously debate with her about Islam.

Abu Hadi, on 25 August 2012 - 07:49 AM, said:

even though they are still evangelical Christian and they still watch Benny Hin and love Billy Graham and Ronald Reagan

You have my sympathy. I cannot imagine what you have been through. The Evangelical are probably the worst sort of Christians.

[rajaa]

Salaam,

I am a revert as well and to this day (4yrs ago I converted) it is still hard. The only advice I can give is based off my own experiences and inshallah this will provide you some support. I have found that being distant does help, it seems they always wanna know the jurisprudence of the religion for example "why this..why that" and telling them isnt going to help because they dont understand the basic principles or believe in the basic of Islam. If you dont understand the concept of God, your not going to understand the rulings of God. I like you tried to explain many things and I too got that I was brainwashed and being too extreme. I continued to fallow the path of Allah and do my wajib, I realized that I am not going to demote my religion because of other people. I love my family with all my heart but at sometimes you cannot exchange ur religion on that basis. I realized within time, they will come around and this is true. Slowly they realized that I am still the same person and Islam has made me and even better daughter, more respectful, more patience,....my parents still have a hard time and from time to time they like to throw comments at me about hijab or whatever, but let it roll off of you, you cant take everything to heart because its not worth it. Know that everything you do is for Allah (swt) not for anyone else. Show them islam through what islam really is and inshallah Allah (swt) will do the rest.  I've been through everything with my parents such as comments, hijab being pulled off in public, inviting strange wahabi guys to the house before I arrived to debate me, kicked out of the house, wont talk to my husband, etc the list is too long lol but have trust in Allah and things do get better.....
keep strong

[ImAli]

rajaa, on 28 August 2012 - 08:56 AM, said:

hijab being pulled off in public,

what?

Edited by ImAli, 28 August 2012 - 09:09 AM.

[Chaotic Muslem]

m@ri@m, on 25 August 2012 - 05:56 AM, said:

Basically, my mom sees that it's fundamentally not just Islam, it's being religious and following the sunnah of any religion is what she doesn't want for me. She thinks that by observing sunnah I am missing out on the real life. She says she believes in one God, but to her it doesn't matter what people call him, or whether she goes to church or not, because she prays to him in her head all the time...

i am not sure if this is right but maybe your mom attitude is due to her having hard time making her head around this
i once heard the story of this sunni family whom half of their children turned athiests and the other half turned Shia
i can imagine the feeling of the mother, her children leaving her side leaving her comfort zone into something totally chaotic in her eyes
the way to go with parents is with mercy, trying to undesrtand her to make her understand you with smile and humor even
can be hard, can be ruthless ( one girl got killed by parents due to this chnage in belief in the 21st century) but one can try her best and hope for the best and keep trying !
please note that there are factors that affect any daughter mother relationship, the age , the background ( yes she is your mother but she had lived long before she gave birth to you, a life you have not shared with her that shaped who she is right now ) the change in society in relation to age ( her society in your age is not your society in your age), the personality conflict ( each person is unique , even the best lovers has plenty of issues to disagree on) the psychology factor ( the way your mother expresses her ffrustration and manages her stress and anger might very well be in clash with your ways of expressing frustration and manageing stress and anger ) etc

patience and mercy