64 replies to this topic

[hasanboby]

Assalamu Alaykum,

I am married for last 4 years but my wife does not full-fill my conjugal Rights (most of the times). Because of this I sometime fall in Sins (may Allah SWT forgives me). I am sure if my wife has the right attitude towards me I can protect myself from Sins.

I discussed the same several times with her but this never worked out. I am even thinking to divorce my wife. I cannot currently divorce her until 2 years (or 7 Years recommended based on precaution) because of my new born child.

I have tried my best to make good relation with my wife as I always care and respect her. It works some time but when it comes to sex I have no rights and if I insist she usually insults and makes me feel guilty as I have done something wrong. It makes it worse and now I have stopped asking for sex and we haven’t done it for months. I have not discussed this with anybody except my wife but the only solution to this I can see is second marriage that I can easily afford (financially) to protect myself from sins.

My main concern is what is obligatory/wajib on me to deal with this situation. If I Can prevent myself is prevention now Wajib on me? This is getting very serious for me now by thinking if I die in this situation (with sins and without protecting myself). I cannot imagine living such life till my death. In our family second marriage is not considered with respect either but I don’t want to care about people as I know I am responsible of my actions alone. I dont know how to deal with my disobedient wife or to this situation. I would greatly appreciate your suggestions.

Please advise,

Wassalamu Alaykum,

[adnan121]

do not speak to any one nor ur frnds nor any one , only to mollana or shaike !

[lalala123]

You have a newborn baby which i'm presuming, didn't fall of out of the sky.....

It's difficult for some women whilst pregnant and after having given birth, so you might want to give her another chance, really explain to her how this is impacting on your life, and insha'Allah, things will improve.

adnan121, on 31 July 2012 - 05:17 PM, said:

do not speak to any one nor ur frnds nor any one , only to mollana or shaike !

What's a molana or sheikh going to do exactly?

[tahiraansari]

salams,
I suggest you go to a professional marriage and family counselor with the purpose of seeing if the marriage can be saved. If not, at least you can truly say that you tried. Don't worry if they are muslim or not. Just find a good one who knows what they are doing. You can talk to them first on the phone and ask them what their basic approach is to counseling. You know how to handle the Islamic paramaters or  you can ask the knowledgeable ones.  A molana or sheikh does not necessariy know how to do marriage counseling. Believe me, I've had to pick up the pieces from some of their misguidance in marital dynamics. I mean, you wouldn't go to the molana or sheikh to fix your car or operate on your child if they were not trained in those skills.
I'm a marital and family therapist and i have worked with people of all religions with positive results. And always, always ask Allah for help!

[ImAli]

lalala123, on 31 July 2012 - 05:20 PM, said:

You have a newborn baby which i'm presuming, didn't fall of out of the sky.....

It's difficult for some women whilst pregnant and after having given birth, so you might want to give her another chance, really explain to her how this is impacting on your life, and insha'Allah, things will improve.



What's a molana or sheikh going to do exactly?

Oh common sis...he can go get another one and spend long emotionally and physically fulfilling nights on end with new one. I mean who cares if his wife is spending endless nights breast feeding the newborn, not getting enough sleep, has no one to talk to about the overwhelming feelings of being the mother of a newborn. and is probably over her head in housework that she just can't finish because of a crying baby.....really none of that matters does it.

[Haydar Husayn]

hasanboby, on 31 July 2012 - 05:01 PM, said:

Assalamu Alaykum,

I am married for last 4 years but my wife does not full-fill my conjugal Rights (most of the times). Because of this I sometime fall in Sins (may Allah SWT forgives me). I am sure if my wife has the right attitude towards me I can protect myself from Sins.

I discussed the same several times with her but this never worked out. I am even thinking to divorce my wife. I cannot currently divorce her until 2 years (or 7 Years recommended based on precaution) because of my new born child.

I have tried my best to make good relation with my wife as I always care and respect her. It works some time but when it comes to sex I have no rights and if I insist she usually insults and makes me feel guilty as I have done something wrong. It makes it worse and now I have stopped asking for sex and we haven’t done it for months. I have not discussed this with anybody except my wife but the only solution to this I can see is second marriage that I can easily afford (financially) to protect myself from sins.

My main concern is what is obligatory/wajib on me to deal with this situation. If I Can prevent myself is prevention now Wajib on me? This is getting very serious for me now by thinking if I die in this situation (with sins and without protecting myself). I cannot imagine living such life till my death. In our family second marriage is not considered with respect either but I don’t want to care about people as I know I am responsible of my actions alone. I dont know how to deal with my disobedient wife or to this situation. I would greatly appreciate your suggestions.

Please advise,

Wassalamu Alaykum,

How long into your marriage was it that your wife stopped giving you your conjugal rights?

[Gypsy]

Did she lose interest from the period of pregnancy until the child birth?

Seek the help of the doctor because these conditions (where the wife losing interest with her husband right after childbirth) are documented in the medical field.

[awaiting_for_the.12th]

^ I do have some medical background and can assure you this is true. In pregnancy, some women have decrease libido to the point where they might hate it.

[Against oneself]

ImAli, on 31 July 2012 - 06:53 PM, said:

Oh common sis...he can go get another one and spend long emotionally and physically fulfilling nights on end with new one. I mean who cares if his wife is spending endless nights breast feeding the newborn, not getting enough sleep, has no one to talk to about the overwhelming feelings of being the mother of a newborn. and is probably over her head in housework that she just can't finish because of a crying baby.....really none of that matters does it.

justifying her sinning?

[ImAli]

Against oneself, on 31 July 2012 - 11:54 PM, said:

justifying her sinning?

Oh now look at you stalking people just like you accused a certain user of stalking you in in the past....YOU EVEN MADE A PUBLIC THREAD ABOUT IT.

No  I am not justifying her sinning.....if you could even call it sinning. Are you too slow to even realize what is going on? There is more to this than the unsatisfied nether regions of the OP. This shows how little you know about life, women, and marriage. She has a newborn so she is probably exhausted to the point of feeling physically ill. She needs help with her chores, help with the baby, and understanding to get back to her old self...the old self that made a baby with him a few months ago. Now stop putting your imaginary, paranoid words in my mouth and accusing me of thinking things I am not thinking.

Edited by ImAli, 01 August 2012 - 07:50 AM.

[Haydar Husayn]

Can we all stop automatically assuming that these problems only started when she became pregnant? For all we know, this has been going on for years, so let's give the brother some benefit of the doubt instead of attacking him.

If the problems do indeed stem from the pregnancy, then obviously he needs to be more patient and understanding. However, if she has been like this even before the pregnancy, then she is clearly in the wrong.

[Alejandro Sosa]

agreed^

[hasanboby]

lalala123, on 31 July 2012 - 05:20 PM, said:

You have a newborn baby which i'm presuming, didn't fall of out of the sky.....

It's difficult for some women whilst pregnant and after having given birth, so you might want to give her another chance, really explain to her how this is impacting on your life, and insha'Allah, things will improve.



What's a molana or sheikh going to do exactly?

Sorry for the late reply, I am new to shiachat and thought I will receive notification. Anyway I will check my thread frequently now.
Sorry for not explaining well as this lead to some confusions. Just to explain further that I know my newly born baby didn’t fall out of the sky and is a result of sex and she agreed to have sex just because her mother insisted her because “off other people asking about any child possibility” (and not because when I insisted). Because of this I feel being use by others and that feeling made me cry.
I am explaining here my four year history and not the time of pregnancy and birth. I know it is difficult to have sex in pregnancy and after birth and I have no issue with this.

[hasanboby]

tahiraansari, on 31 July 2012 - 05:27 PM, said:

salams,
I suggest you go to a professional marriage and family counselor with the purpose of seeing if the marriage can be saved. If not, at least you can truly say that you tried. Don't worry if they are muslim or not. Just find a good one who knows what they are doing. You can talk to them first on the phone and ask them what their basic approach is to counseling. You know how to handle the Islamic paramaters or  you can ask the knowledgeable ones.  A molana or sheikh does not necessariy know how to do marriage counseling. Believe me, I've had to pick up the pieces from some of their misguidance in marital dynamics. I mean, you wouldn't go to the molana or sheikh to fix your car or operate on your child if they were not trained in those skills.
I'm a marital and family therapist and i have worked with people of all religions with positive results. And always, always ask Allah for help!

Wa alikum salam,

Thanks for your suggestion. I will discuss it with my wife in detail. Not sure if she will agree but I will try my best to arrange marriage counselling.
Thanks,

[hasanboby]

ImAli, on 31 July 2012 - 06:53 PM, said:

Oh common sis...he can go get another one and spend long emotionally and physically fulfilling nights on end with new one. I mean who cares if his wife is spending endless nights breast feeding the newborn, not getting enough sleep, has no one to talk to about the overwhelming feelings of being the mother of a newborn. and is probably over her head in housework that she just can't finish because of a crying baby.....really none of that matters does it.

Just to add here… she is not breast feeding the newborn and I share with her as much as I can to feed the baby, baby bath or nappy change etc.   I also do most of the housework i.e. cooking, dishes, laundry and cleaning etc. I have no issue with it and understand that it is not wife’s responsibility.
I am just concerned about the responsibility of my wife that is affecting me badly and I can’t think about continue with the same for my whole life.

[hasanboby]

Haydar Husayn, on 31 July 2012 - 06:57 PM, said:

How long into your marriage was it that your wife stopped giving you your conjugal rights?

First of all sorry for the late reply, I will keep checking my post regularly now.
To answer your question it is right after few days of the marriage. Since she moved back to UK and I moved to UK after a month. And since then I am facing this issue. It not related to pregnancy or after birth.

[hasanboby]

Gypsy, on 31 July 2012 - 11:23 PM, said:

Did she lose interest from the period of pregnancy until the child birth?

Seek the help of the doctor because these conditions (where the wife losing interest with her husband right after childbirth) are documented in the medical field.

First of all sorry for the late reply, I will keep checking my post regularly now.
To answer your question: No it is not related to period of pregnancy or child birth. I understand it and it is not the issue. I meant the four year history prior to her pregnancy and I can see its even worst after.

[hasanboby]

Haydar Husayn, on 01 August 2012 - 08:23 AM, said:

Can we all stop automatically assuming that these problems only started when she became pregnant? For all we know, this has been going on for years, so let's give the brother some benefit of the doubt instead of attacking him.

If the problems do indeed stem from the pregnancy, then obviously he needs to be more patient and understanding. However, if she has been like this even before the pregnancy, then she is clearly in the wrong.

First of all sorry for the late reply, I will keep checking my post regularly now.
Sorry for not explaining my point in detail. Yes you guess right that this is the issue for years and not after the pregnancy. Although it is worst after pregnancy and we haven’t had sex since she got pregnant till now but I am ok with it if it is only for limited period of time.

[hasanboby]

First of all sorry for the late reply, I will keep checking my post regularly now.
Sorry for not explaining my point in detail as this lead to some confusions.
The issue I explained is about four year history of our marriage prior to the pregnancy of my wife. I understand after pregnancy I should not be expecting my wife to give my conjugal rights but only for limited period of time (say a year or 2).
This is not the only issue with our relationship. There are other issues like abusive attitude and not being respected, not letting me to decide where to live, when to have child and what do with my life. I think the issue is also because she spend most of her time with her parents and not with me. I am now considering marriage counselling if she agrees and if it doesn’t work until 2 years I will move to another city with my child (away from her parents). It will be her decision to choose to live with me or her parents. If she chose her parents I will need to do second marriage.
Please advise,

[AllAmericanShia]

Im a sociology graduate with experience in counseling. if you want counseling I can try my best to help you, you can PM me.

[hasanboby]

AllAmericanShia, on 09 November 2012 - 05:34 PM, said:

Im a sociology graduate with experience in counseling. if you want counseling I can try my best to help you, you can PM me.

Do you have office in UK? Or do you do counselling over the phone?

[Baka]

Once again a lot of women assumed that the man is inconsiderate and jumped the gun. No surprise.

Sorry for going off-topic but I had to point that out.

[89jghur32]

hasanboby, on 31 July 2012 - 05:01 PM, said:

My main concern is what is obligatory/wajib on me to deal with this situation. If I Can prevent myself is prevention now Wajib on me? This is getting very serious for me now by thinking if I die in this situation (with sins and without protecting myself). I cannot imagine living such life till my death. In our family second marriage is not considered with respect either but I don’t want to care about people as I know I am responsible of my actions alone. I dont know how to deal with my disobedient wife or to this situation. I would greatly appreciate your suggestions.

Who said they have to know? Who said your first wife even has to know? According to our fiqh, a man is not obligated to publicize any of his marriages. So, find a woman who is in a similar situation (I'm not talking about breaking up existing marriages here) as you and marry her secretly.

[hasanboby]

al-Irshad, on 10 November 2012 - 07:51 AM, said:

Who said they have to know? Who said your first wife even has to know? According to our fiqh, a man is not obligated to publicize any of his marriages. So, find a woman who is in a similar situation (I'm not talking about breaking up existing marriages here) as you and marry her secretly.

Thanks brother,
I know the ruling that I do not need to tell anybody about my marriage but I never thought about that possibility.
It sounds good solution to me initially but I am just thinking practical implications of it that I have to do justice between 2 wives and I need to sleep with one at least 1 night out of 4 I believe? Creating a question for my first wife where I am on every 4^th night? etc.
I might go initially for temporary marriage and if I think we have a compatibility I can permanently marry and publicise it.
Any way thanks for you advise and I am seriously thinking about it.

[89jghur32]

hasanboby, on 10 November 2012 - 08:45 AM, said:

Thanks brother,
I know the ruling that I do not need to tell anybody about my marriage but I never thought about that possibility.
It sounds good solution to me initially but I am just thinking practical implications of it that I have to do justice between 2 wives and I need to sleep with one at least 1 night out of 4 I believe? Creating a question for my first wife where I am on every 4^th night? etc.
I might go initially for temporary marriage and if I think we have a compatibility I can permanently marry and publicise it.
Any way thanks for you advise and I am seriously thinking about it.

I wasn't talking about you taking a second permanent wife, hence why I specifically mentioned a woman who is in a similar situation as you. Do an extended mut`a... This way you don't have all of these formal requirements to deal with. Haphazard nights away from your first wife are much easier to explain away than consistent ones. And also, biggest complication could be a pregnancy from the mut`a, but that's why you do azl.