17 replies to this topic

[Maryammm]

I have been Muslim for over 10 years now, and recently got married. My family are not Muslim, and were not happy. Due to their lack of support of my choice of religion and their behaviour relating to this, I had to limit their involvment in the arrangements for my wedding, and I had to limit who would attend out of my extended family(due to concerns about their lack of ability to avoid alcohol and other innapropriate behaviours, like not respecting the seperate halls for males and females etc) There were many arguments leading up to the wedding and I had to try and bridge between my family and my husband and in-laws. When it came to the weekend of the wedding, my parents, aunt, and grandmother arrived the night before. Immediatly I realised that my aunt and mum had been drinking(my grandmother confirmed this to me)  and they started hasseling me and my husband whilst we were preparing some things at the wedding venue. Then on the actual wedding day I arrived at the venue to find my mother even more heavely and obviously drunk, along with my aunty being innebriated also. My mum kept going into the mens hall and hugging my dad(who was also very drunk and kept bringing alcohol into the men's hall and drinking it at his table) My father-in-law and a close friend of his repeatedly, quietly and politely explained to my mum why she should not come into the men's hall and that if she came to the door and asked to speak to her husband in the lobby then their would be no problem. My mother was very loud and rude and refused to listen, and kept repeating that she is 'the mother of the bride, and she can do what she wants' (clearl not thinking about how her daughter, the bride would feel about her erratic and disrespectful-to say the least, behaviour) My mum and dad also kept hasseling my husband and making comments about how 'the marriage wont last' and making other degrading comments about me him, and our relationship.
   This rude behaviour by my mum, dad and aunty, only increased, and when it came to the time at the end of the wedding, when me and my husband leave the gathering and to conclude the celebration with photos and congrats etc these disruptive and rude family members almost got into a slanging match with my in-laws and some of the other guests. I treid speaking to my mum about this on the phone the next day, and she showed no remorse and bsaically blamed me for her behaviour and that it was done on purpose. It has been 11 months and I have avoided any contact with the family that did this, whilst maintaing contact with other family that were there(who also found this behaviour dispicable) my mother has tried contacting me and has sent threatening letters to my sister-in-laws house, one of which forced me to phone my mum and explain again why I am not in contact with her(as she threatened the safety of my nephew and neice in said letter) All her communications since the wedding have shown no remorse or scincierity.
Now my mum and aunt are trying to stir up fitna by making faulse accusations about me and spreading lies, gossip and slander in order to cause trouble in my marriage. Is severing ties then permitted in these circumstances given their behaviour means that I cannot trust them and that it could result in the break down of my marriage and me becoming destitute as a result of that. I have tried to show compassion, kindness and understanding with their lack of acceptance of Islam throughout the years, but they clearly are showing complete contempt. I would also like to add that my aunt in this situation is not a blood relative(aunt through adoption) and my dad is my step dad through marriage to my mum, so only my mum is a nood relative.
  What can I do? Salams and du3as to all, and any help and advice you can give would be most appreciated. I am sorry for putting all the gory details, but I needed to give specific information so that you could understand fully my predicament and severity of the situation. Thanks in advance of answers

[Gypsy]

This is bad. You face such embarrassment on your wedding day.

You have valid reasons for avoiding your family. They were drinking irresponsibly, their disruptive behaviors spoiled the most important day in your life and they are slandering/backbiting their own family. Try to maintain some distance from them because they have very bad akhlak. Also be careful because from the look of it, they are doing everything to destroy your marriage.

[Maryammm]

Thank you Gypsy for your reply, I am trying to distance myself and protect my marriage. I agree and realise that they are most likely trying to break up my marriage and this is something very upsetting and tragic for me. I just want to know that Islamically I wont be punished by Allah(swt) for breaking up with them in order to protect myself, my marriage, and any future children I have inshallah. I know Allah(swt) is merciful and I don't want to presume his mercy though. Tough situation and once again thanks for your supportive reply. Please make du3a for me inshallah.

[Gepetto_Zapata]

You're in a tough spot...

In your place, I'd just cut all ties with them but with the intention of still speaking with them when things cool down and they've learned to accept it. Even if a while later.

I'm not talking what's right or wrong religiously, I'm just stating what I would have personally done...

[JSAli]

I agree with V_H.

Let some time pass by so things could cool down. BOTH you and they need this cooling down period. Just do so with intention of trying to make peace with them inshaAllah because deep down inside, the love is always there between you.

Approach them when they are all sober of course. Burn all the rum..

[1472Maryam]

Wow, what a mess!  I will make duas for you and your family.  Inshallah, people will realize the backbiting for what it is.  I would think that as long as you have been clear that you would like to maintain ties but that you cannot unless the behaviors change, then that is ok.  I wish you the best.

[Abu Hadi]

Salam sister,

I am a revert myself and my non muslim family have many who use and abuse substances.
After I accepted Islam, I avoided most of my non muslim family for a few years, till I found that this is a major sin.
So here is a basic summary of what I have learned.
1) It is haram to cut off relationship with family members who you are related to by the womb (silat ar raham). This includes your mother and father, brothers and sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins that you were close with before accepting Islam.
2) Cutting of these relationships, according to the Islam definition is saying to them (or communicating to them in some form) 'I don't want to see you again'. Also, actually not seeing them again (without saying or communicating it) even though you have the ability to do it.
3) You should try to maintain some kind of relationship with them, even if this is only by email or txt or phone calls until your anger and hurt dies down and you can review the situation objectively.  They put you in a difficult and embarrasing situation and this was wrong for them to do, but don't compound the situation by getting into haram yourself.

So to summarize, don't cut relationships with them but try to keep the door open a little so that maybe some day in the future your relationship with them can improve although it will never be the same as it was before you became muslim. Salam.

Edited by Abu Hadi, 18 June 2012 - 11:17 AM.

[Maryammm]

Salam, Abu Hadi, thank you for your reply. I just would like to expound further that the lies and gossip they are trying to plant in my husband's mind and marriage could mean the end of my marriage, so if I leave the door open(as I have thus far, to an extent) then this could still happen. The only way to deal with it is a complete severing of ties, I understand that this could be haram however annd am therefore approaching this with caution. I would also like to add that I lived with my non muslim parents all my life up until marriage, and I was muslim for 10 years before marriage and struggled all that time with them, sometimes having to compromise in ways I shouldn't have to. So the trouble with them and their open objection and vilification of Islam is not new. Salams and du3as inshallah

[Abu Hadi]

Salam,

If your husband is a reasonable man, he will 'consider the source' as far as your family telling gossip about you. I wouldn't worry about that too much. I think after their behaviour at the wedding, their credibility with your husband is probably below zero. If you are polite and respectful but firm with them as far as behaviours you will and will not accept while they are around you, then eventually they will
respect your positions, even if they don't agree with them. Also, don't let your emotions guide your decision making in this matter.
If you can't handle their behaviour right now, maybe you could 'dial down' the relationship by waiting to return their phone calls or emails, unless it is a life or death situation. Also, don't make yourself available to them 24/7. Slowing down or decreasing your availability to them is not cutting off the relationship and it is not haram and sometimes necessary to keep your sanity and a good relationship with your husband, as long as your intention is to eventually see them again or talk to them (in a reasonable amount of time). That might help. Salam.

Edited by Abu Hadi, 18 June 2012 - 11:57 AM.

[Asr]

I think you should contact your marja on this one just to clarify, but my advice would be that protecting your marraige, iman and any future kids would be the utmost priority in islam, esp if their is a risk of losing them.  Keeping a cool distant for now may be necesary, but keep the occaisonal email to stay in touch.

[keys2paradise]

As it happens, I have asked this question from Shaykh Saeed Mohammad Bahmanpour. His replied that there are no exceptions that allow cutting off ties with blood relatives, it is always haram. That being said, it doesn't mean you have to be overly chummy with them and pretend to play happy families. Relationships with our relatives can be complex, some distance is probably necessary in this case.

[Fatima Hussain]

As a person with dysfunctional family, I emphasize with you.  I know there are going to probably be people on here saying "ohh, nooo, you can't break ties, no matter what", but at the end of the day, they really don't understand and can't understand what kind of emotional strain a dysfunctional family puts on you.  So I advise you, just do whatever keeps you sane.  May Allah bless you.

[Waiting for HIM]

Salam,

Sister you are pretty much holding up to your Islamic limits, just keep doing it. You don't have to be over accommodating to anybody over two things, one is your eiman which is the most dear to Allah (swt) and other is your marriage life, your husband-wife family unit, one of the most important unions in front of Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì.

Learn from Islamic history as well. One of Prophet's wife Umme Habiba was a momina and was a daughter of Abu Sufyan who was an enemy of Islam and Prophet (s). Once Abu Sufyan came to visit Umme Habiba and she welcomed her dad well, but did not allow her "enemy of God" dad to sit on Prophet's bed out of fear of making it najis. There were many other instances from the lives of early Muslims when one person saw the light while the rest of the family was still in darkness.

So yes, if they are becoming the antagonistic to your faith, it's better to limit the ties to the minimum.

Edited by Waiting for HIM, 20 June 2012 - 09:24 PM.

[Martyrdom]

Salam sister
Like some members already mention cutting complete ties with your relatives is a big no no in islam. The Prophets(s) uncle abu jahal wanted to kill the prophet and Allah damned him in the Quran but the Prophet still didn't cut relation with him. With that said you don't have to be all lovey dubby with them . This is what's expected to keep relation with a relative . Visit them if you can't because of the reasons you mentioned at least call them every once in a while if  you still can't say hi to them when you see them and be kind. Allah doesn't want you to  pretend like they don't exist anymore because you don't know how they will be 10 years from now. They could change for the better or for the worst but since you don't know you can't cut ties with them. just call them once in a while to check on them for Allah sake . A 5 min phone call might be hard for you to do because of how you described them to be but it will go a long way on judgment day.

[Maryammm]

Thanks for everyones replies! I am going to continue to maintain limited relations with them inshallah. Also,  I would like to ask whether any future children I have inshallah, will have to maintain some realtionship with them due to blood ties? Would my husband be doing haram if he forbid them from any contact? Would it be haram for me to not allow any contact between them? Thanks x

[Gypsy]

Just be careful. Don't let your children be influenced by their drinking habits. Also, keep them away from your parents negative influence and other bad habits/akhlak like back-biting and slandering.

[JSAli]

Gypsy, on 29 June 2012 - 08:15 AM, said:

Just be careful. Don't let your children be influenced by their drinking habits. Also, keep them away from your parents negative influence and other bad habits/akhlak like back-biting and slandering.

Yeah this is serious talk here. A lot of kids have a habit where they say, if they could do it, why can't I, even when THEY KNOW damn well that it's wrong. I've seen it happen.

[FirstofficerSam]

Mariam

Your family is a test from god , do not give in ... Allah (S.W.T) will make Muslims of his beloved (Mankind), as for cutting blood ties .... NO WAY lol sorry , but according to the Islam you cant do that , you can only NOT follow your parent's instructions when they command you to commit Shirk or disbelieve in Allah , but other than that YOU ARE OBLIGED NO MATTER HOW BAD THEY ARE , to respect them and check on them and make them happy until the day that they die.
I'm sorry to hear about your wedding but, on the bright side Allah (S.W.T) shall reward you for your tolerance and patience. As for the fitna , If your husband really loved you and understood you , he would not believe a single lie.
Maryam be strong , Allah (S.W.T) is on your side
                                      

Sam