42 replies to this topic

[Lady]

Salaams Everybody,

I don't know how to start this, I'm a little nervous and scared people might think I'm ''desperate'' or whatever, but I'm hoping to get some guidance here inshAllah.

I can't stop thinking about marriage...its fearfully becoming my mentality now. My closest family member knows how badly I want to get married, I've even asked her to try and look for someone for me but she doesn't bother and she tells me to wait or focus on my studies or not to rush things...like how exactly am I rushing things? Its not like a suitor came and I quickly said yes and proceeded with the wedding plan. I know marriage is a huge responsibility and I really do feel I'm capable of such a responsibility. I've personally watched and learned from many marriage situations (including my sisters') and I've listened to many lectures regarding marriage and I feel I'm equipped enough to move on and live my life and love and be loved. Lately, I've been feeling terribly lonely. My sisters are very very distant from me, each one has her own life to deal with anyways and I don't have any cousins. I come from such a conservative family and I'm not allowed to go out with friends and have fun like a responsible adult, I'm just about allowed to go to uni and back. I don't even have a mobile phone, and even when friends call the house phone everybody gets iffy and tells whoever called I'm not here. I'm done with uni until mid september hopefully. Even when I was in uni, I would rush so I could be home ''on-time'' otherwise my mum and sisters will start complaining and questioning me. And even when I am at home, my mum wants me sitting next to her literally 24/7 cleaning or taking care of my sisters' and brothers children. If i stary upstairs for too long my mum will start complaining...recently she was upset about something and I happened to be in her way and I got beaten. I felt so humiliated because I'm not a child to be beaten and my sisters didn't even come to my aide. I'm getting sick and tired of life basicaly, every morning I wake up I start cursing myself because I know what kind of rubbish day is waiting ahead.

Do you blame me for thinking about marriage so much? Yet nobody is coming and its driving me nuts

[Haydar Husayn]

Sorry to hear about your condition, sister.

Have you told your parents you would like to get married?

[Lady]

My parents know I want to get married, well atleast my mum does, but she thinks the proper way is to just wait ''like all your sisters and these decent girls out their''

[Haydar Husayn]

Lady, on 09 June 2012 - 02:18 PM, said:

My parents know I want to get married, well atleast my mum does, but she thinks the proper way is to just wait ''like all your sisters and these decent girls out their''

Ok, but unless they let it be known that they are looking to get you married, why would anyone necessarily come?

It's hard to know what to advise you at the moment other than to try to get your family to be more active in looking for someone.

[lalala123]

Considering the conditions you are living under, it's perfectly understandable you are eager to get married.  My advice though, would be to not rush into things.  A suitor may come along who might seem perfectly acceptable as a husband now, but if you were a bit happier generally, you could probably find somebody better.  I'm not saying that will definitely happen, it's just a possibility.  Don't let your unhappiness cloud your judgement.  Be patient and i'm sure Allah will remove you from this situation soon enough.

[Gypsy]

What's your plan after uni? Are you going to join the work force? Once you join the workforce, you may have more friends than you have now.

Secondly, by building the network of people around you, you may also find a potential spouse.

[Saviour]

I agree with lalala, don't rush things as your attitude might change as things begin to get better for you, Insha'Allah. other than that im sorry i dont really have any other advice but to be patient and make Dua To Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì.


“…Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without account.” [az-Zumar 39:10].
“…and be patient. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.” [al-Anfal 8:46].

[Kaniz e Zahra]

Exactly,why don't you think positive,and look forward toward your career,you may find someone mentally compatible over there.Even if your parents find you one,what if he turns out to be complete contradiction to your nature.
So may be Allah is having some better plans for you,if you make haste,you can make a wrong decision,in this case what will you do?
You may get rid of miseries in family by getting married,but God forbid if you hastily marry a wrong person,how would you get rid of him? It would be much harder.
So trust Allah,look forward for future,and try to find a suitable match for yourself who can understand you,not anybody you find as option to escape this situation.Such necessity based marriages are not that successful as compare to one where you truly get involved.

[ילדת מלך]

Lady, on 09 June 2012 - 02:06 PM, said:

Lately, I've been feeling terribly lonely. My sisters are very very distant from me, each one has her own life to deal with anyways and I don't have any cousins. I come from such a conservative family and I'm not allowed to go out with friends and have fun like a responsible adult,

Marriage is no cure for loneliness at least, that much I can assure you,

Why do you have to escape the loneliness, why do not you just let it be. It's not bad to be lonely, in fact sometimes it's better to be alone and calm, than being surrounded by chaos and disorder.

I am not trying to undermine your feelings, but you are being miserable for things which are of secondary nature  like not having a mobile , not having the permission to go out.

But , okay you say you are suffering so let's address that-----the only way out of a storm is through. You can not go over a storm, under a storm or even around a storm. You can either lay low and let it pass or you can drive right through the middle. You my dear, are in the midst of a Storm----so just go through it with high spirits and calm disposition; things will be alright.

Oh God,

what the hell happened to font size and everything,

[~Zee Zee~]

[Lady]

Lol, I'm not upset over not having a mobile phone or not being able to go out, I just want to be happy and understood.

[Ruq]

ws, what are you options regarding looking for a husband? does it have to be through your parents? is there no other way at all?

Apart from that, i suggest sitting down and thinking about what is making you feel that your days as they are now are not valuable enough for you. You said you are lonely; is it the quality of your relationships that are so disappointing to you? whatever happens re marriage, one way of making your days more fulfilling is to not look to other people to make you feel like youre living a rewarding life. The most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself, so try and prioritise that so you can be alone and enjoy your own company. Then if a great fella comes along it will be a bonus and you will also not be needy.

[ילדת מלך]

I am deeply embarrassed for this hideous post and it's appearance, I just don't know what happened.

Actually I am writing in the light of my laptop screen, did not turn on the table lamp because  i do not want to disturb my Baba.

So I apologize for this abomination on both eyes and mind.

[Lady]

Its alright (member with the hebrew-looking name, sorry can't read it! :$)

I was worried nobody will understand me on here


I just think...I just want to move on in my life but its not happening. I just feel its time for me to have something 'real' in my life. I'm such a sensitive and emotional person by nature so I think its a bit usual for somebody like me to feel that way. I've prayed and...I still haven't found an answer yet. The real reason of me wanting to get married is that...I want to feel loved because right now I'm lacking that valuable feeling. Its always criticism and orders in my house, I don't feel loved at all, everybody decides to hurt me when it suits them and there's no respect whatsoever. I mean, whatever I do, it never makes them happy, I passed all my exams and I came back home to tell everybody and my younger sister just walked off, my mum gave me a cold 'mabrook' and nobody seemed happy for me, it was so daunting. I feel that if I do get married, I will be respected, loved and supported. And btw, a suitor came earlier on in the year and I'm not one to make very haste judgements, I thought and thought and thought, until I came to a conclusion that I don't want to leave one hell and enter another so I refused. I'm just getting agitated nowadays because it feels like I'm waiting forever and nothing is happening

[ילדת מלך]

Hebrew looking name ?


this constant waiting and agitation for something is not likely to cause that thing happen.

try to discipline your dreams and longings, I am not being sarcastic honestly, I am being sisterly.

The things we yearn for do tend to run away from us, so just let it be for now. things do happen on their own time. and they will happen when and how decreed.
Don't fret and long and exhaust yourself emotionally and spiritually, please.

with love, there is a huge problem----it's a gift of God, you can't claim it, you can't demand it, you can't earn it, you can't win it----these things should be applied to retain the gift, but acquisition of it is beyond our control and authority, so pray for it and try to remain peaceful.

It must be hard not being amply loved by your own family.

Being a very much loved, cherished and protected child, I can't even imagine, how heart-broken and depressed you must have felt.

But still you can't run away from it. If it is a test then take it with peace and dignity. you will be rewarded by the Grace of God.

Edited by ילדת מלך, 09 June 2012 - 03:57 PM.

[Lady]

I wish I was that strong

[saherfatima]

my heart goes out to you, it seems like a very difficult time and situation for you, and it’s obvious you are unhappy at the moment, and when you're in that state of mind it’s difficult to follow all the advice we know is right, ie exert patience or don't think about it etc and I’m sure that you try these things already.
Regards what sister said before, or as my mother says " a watched pot never boils" I strongly believe this is true, when you yearn too much for something it tends to run away, and probably for your own good, and maybe this is your test of patience, or getting something now might not be the best time for you, as you could be quite vulnerable...or many other reasons, Allah swt knows best about this, but that’s the important thing understanding that there is some wisdom behind why certain things are happening to you, never just think it is because it is. Now it’s important how you deal with this, and in light of your question, the first problem is assuming marriage will be your way out, it’s very risky and a slippery slope because every day that goes by, will make you that little bit more despondent, and this can make life very unbearable and even strain your relationship with Allah swt because you’re feeling let down so often.
The only advice I can give you is reminding yourself every day that even if all your family and every single neighbour forgets about you, when Allah swt wills someone or something to come into your life and alleviate your problems it will happen! In the meantime be pro-active and keep reciting the recommended duas and surahs which are specifically meant to help with the problems like these, focus on other goals if you can, lastly try to discipline yourself on giving in to your emotions and desires/ obsessive yearning or telling yourself what YOU think you need, because most likely it isn’t, Inshallah these tough times in life can help build your character and elevate your spirituality and God willing plenty of good times to come
Lastly keep positive these lectures may give some practical advice on this
http://www.al-masume...fering-series-1

In my duas

In the name of Allah, the Beneficient, the
Merciful
[94:1] Have We not expanded for you your breast,
[94:2] And taken off from you your burden,
[94:3] Which pressed heavily upon your back,
[94:4] And exalted for you your esteem?
[94:5] Surely with difficulty is ease.
[94:6] With difficulty is surely ease.
[94:7] So when you are free, nominate.
[94:8] And make your Lord your exclusive object.

[Allahuakbar]

Dear sister, after reading the end of your post I feel as though you wish to get married in order to have some time away from your family. If this is the case, I'm not sure whether this is a positive catalyst for marriage... However, if you need to get married because of certain needs, the best thing to do is to pray to Allah swt. Unfortunately, most families will not heed the call of their daughters for marriage as they do for their sons. The best weapon you have is dua and patience. I feel so bad that we cannot help you in another way. You sound like such a lovely, pious, and obedient daughter, it's really disappointing that your family treats you like your faith could falter at any moment. Be patient, and please keep in mind that Allah swt is watching your actions and knows your struggles. Don't say you are not strong enough because you are.

[ImAli]

I bet if this poor girl got some alone time every day and everyone quit smothering her she would feel a world of difference, I would go crazy being smothered the way the OP family is doing to her.

[Peace!]

Lady, on 09 June 2012 - 02:06 PM, said:

Do you blame me for thinking about marriage so much? Yet nobody is coming and its driving me nuts

How can you be quite certain that marriage is the cure to all your present troubles - plenty of women who've gone down this road, have lived to regret it.

All i can offer as 'advice' to you is trusting another person to be responsible for your own happiness is not a wise move.
Instead use the present moments of your life to try to focus on being the best person that you want to become - for Allah and for yourself.

I love this saying, maybe you've come across it too - "The colour of Henna is drawn out of it only when it is pounded on a harsh stone."

[pepsi]

Lady you need to toughen up. You need to be assertive. If you want to be strong you CAN be strong. You just gotta do it. Go up to your mother and tell her that you're no longer a baby. You’re an adult and you have every right to have a lil bit of choice on how you live ur life.

Why can't you have a damn phone?? Have you ever asked her that? Have you had one in the past and something wrong happened? And even if something like that happened, she still has no right to not allow you to have a phone.

She is an overprotective mother, she sees you as baby and doesn't want to see you as an adult because that will open a can of warms for her and increases her anxiety which she doesnt want to deal with and so she decides to treat you like a little child.

I know that standing up for urself in such a manner is a big NO NO to you and that's pretty normal because you've being living like this ur entire life. But obviously you are not happy with ur life because it's miserable and brings you ugly feelings. But now you have noticed that and want to change ur life. So good on you for reaching to this point!

And now it's about you making the change, its you and only you who can bring the change to your life. You need to move away from wishful thinking cos your mother wont change overnight and nor an angel will come down from heaven to change your life.  You gotta do it urself. You want happy life and a good marriage, then you must come out feeling strong from ur r/ships with ur family. If this doesn't happen then don't be supervised if ur future relationships including ur marriage bring you those same miserable and ugly feelings you are currently experiencing.

Edited by pepsi, 10 June 2012 - 12:26 AM.

[Haydar Husayn]

pepsi, on 10 June 2012 - 12:25 AM, said:

Lady you need to toughen up. You need to be assertive. If you want to be strong you CAN be strong. You just gotta do it. Go up to your mother and tell her that you're no longer a baby. You’re an adult and you have every right to have a lil bit of choice on how you live ur life.

Why can't you have a damn phone?? Have you ever asked her that? Have you had one in the past and something wrong happened? And even if something like that happened, she still has no right to not allow you to have a phone.

She is an overprotective mother, she sees you as baby and doesn't want to see you as an adult because that will open a can of warms for her and increases her anxiety which she doesnt want to deal with and so she decides to treat you like a little child.

I know that standing up for urself in such a manner is a big NO NO to you and that's pretty normal because you've being living like this ur entire life. But obviously you are not happy with ur life because it's miserable and brings you ugly feelings. But now you have noticed that and want to change ur life. So good on you for reaching to this point!

And now it's about you making the change, its you and only you who can bring the change to your life. You need to move away from wishful thinking cos your mother wont change overnight and nor an angel will come down from heaven to change your life.  You gotta do it urself. You want happy life and a good marriage, then you must come out feeling strong from ur r/ships with ur family. If this doesn't happen then don't be supervised if ur future relationships including ur marriage bring you those same miserable and ugly feelings you are currently experiencing.

While I'm tempted to agree with you, because this is my natural reaction to this situation as well, the problem is that it sounds like at best she will get beaten if she does this, and at worst, if she persists, possibly disowned (an ever-present threat among many 'Muslim' families). Most people, particularly women, are probably not willing to risk seriously damage their family relationships over something like this. The fact that this has been happening her whole life, and that she is to some extent conditioned to it, doesn't help either.

I know that in general people should stand up to bullies, but when you happen to love those bullies (and I'm guessing that if she didn't she would have left by now), and they can emotionally blackmail you into submission, then it complicates things quite a bit.

[aliasghark]

Lady, on 09 June 2012 - 02:06 PM, said:

recently she was upset about something and I happened to be in her way and I got beaten. I felt so humiliated because I'm not a child to be beaten and my sisters didn't even come to my aide.

WS. Have you called the authorities yet? You should give it serious thought if not. You should not be quiet and tolerate physical violence.

Not only is hitting adult sons/daughters against Islam, it is also against the local law in several countries.

[pepsi]

Haydar Husayn, on 10 June 2012 - 06:59 AM, said:

While I'm tempted to agree with you, because this is my natural reaction to this situation as well, the problem is that it sounds like at best she will get beaten if she does this, and at worst, if she persists, possibly disowned (an ever-present threat among many 'Muslim' families). Most people, particularly women, are probably not willing to risk seriously damage their family relationships over something like this. The fact that this has been happening her whole life, and that she is to some extent conditioned to it, doesn't help either.

I know that in general people should stand up to bullies, but when you happen to love those bullies (and I'm guessing that if she didn't she would have left by now), and they can emotionally blackmail you into submission, then it complicates things quite a bit.

Yeah obviously there will be harsh consequences if she decided to stand up for herself all of a sudden. No doubts about that bro. But even now, when she is not doing anything "wrong" she is being beaten by her mother. So being beaten for standing up herself will not be some new mess she is gonna get herself into. At least in this situation she will actually know why she is being beaten.

The fear that ur parents will be harsh to you if you decide to speak up Lady, shudn't pull you bk. They have every right to be harsh to you and that's simply because it's going to be something they're not used to. It will be out of the blue for them to see you speaking up and saying no to them. Of course they'd go nuts and will try to bring you down in whatever way possible.

Eventually they will stop pushing you down, but this is only if you continue to be strong and firm. If you persist they may as HH has mentioned emotionally blackmail you. At this point you shud be aware that they're doing that just to test how strong you are. If ur weak, without any doubt you will fall into their trap. But if ur strong and you keep pushing them off ur bk you will get there.

And once you get there, your parents will eventually understand and start respecting you as an individual. They will not disown you for the rest of ur life. They will get over it.

Remember not to be aggressive though. The more assertive you are, the better the outcome.

[~Zee Zee~]

Listen Lady, you aren't missing out on a lot out there. In fact I'm glad your parents have kept you locked in for  so you don't make some stupid mistake. Don't for once think it's always going to be this way. There are still many years, days, months, and weeks ahead  were you will get to experience many things in life all on your own, without the help or control of anyone. In fact take this time to develop yourself more and plan on what you want on life. Where would you like to go after university? Parties, social gatherings, clubs, friends houses etc? Those are just a change of atmosphere, are fun at times, but in the end mostly useless. You will meet very few interesting people,  the rest are vampires that try to drain your energy. So be a good girl and finish your homework until you graduate.....And if you want to go somewhere for a change of atmosphere, go to an art museum with the family. Later on, you will have many opportunities to experience what you've "missed out on", and be like oh ImAli's Shadow was right.

Next Dear Girl, if your mother is  congratulating you with a cold mabrook, don't think a spouse's reaction is going to be any better. He might  celebrate  by buying you a gum ball from the gum ball machines and then divide it in half .. What I'm trying to say is  get marriage out of your head for now. Marriage is not the solution to your problem. I was in a similar situation, where my parents fought all the time, and I wanted a way out. So I thought to myself I could A.) Sleep in Dorms, B.) Get married or C.) Find ways to fill up my time.  Option A was horrible, because dorms are nasty, especially the ones in my university and there is no privacy. Option B seemed very good at the time, as I had a naive view on marriages.  So I started meeting up potential guys, some became friends, and others horrible experiences. There was a while  where I thought my life would be set if I married this doctor. I thought I'd be out of the house, and living with a well-learned man. But my god woman, time revealed that  his  personality was bland, he was beyond cheap, and to top it off I still hadn't adapted to his looks no matter how hard I tried to overlook them. Doctor or no doctor that guy sucked.

There was another experience where I was at a wedding, and this man comes up to me and strikes up a conversation. He seemed like a charming guy, nice personality, intelligent, and knew how to dress. After he left,  my cousin comes over and starts questioning me about him. He then googled the man's name on his iphone  only to find  that my acquaintance was involved in a divorce case, where his ex wife pressed charges on him for domestic violence, and that his case was taken up all the way to supreme court. The entire court  transcript was online!!!

See, men always put their best foot forward when they meet you, but they will   never reveal their skeletons only after it's too late and they've got you married. What I'm trying to say is that, don't make the mistake of rushing into marriage , and thinking oh this guy is going to love me more than my family. I'm not trying to paint a grim picture, but in especially this generation, genuine  is hard to find. Also you are almost done with your education and should start thinking of a job; soo option C of filling up your time is the best choice .Don't think a man respects a lady who is a home maker now a days, and if they tell you any different they are liars. If you get married, know there will be times when your man will come home exhausted from work and might want to blow some steam off, so he will start taking it out on you. So be ready to put up with that. Be ready to be yelled at, and he will think it's his right to yell  at you because he is the one putting bread on the table. I've witnessed this many times happening to friends and family alike. I'm not saying you'll end up with a guy like that, but there is a 50% chance you might. Have bigger dreams in life than just a man. Concentrate on yourself, because believe me, I have married friends who always come up to me and tell me that they envy me and  to enjoy these single years, because they are one of the best years of your life. No added responsibilities. But just like you said don't be haste and throw yourself at just any suitor. You don't want to marry someone, only to google his name on your honey moon night and find he's a wife beater. Or worse, you find him in the morning removing his makeup foundation only to find a tear drop tattoo next to his eye.....LOL

Edited by ImAli's Shadow, 11 June 2012 - 05:43 AM.