13 replies to this topic

[Faatima_ki_kaneez]

As'Salaamu'alaikum everyone.

okay, I have a situation. My parents want me to get married cause supposedly there is a good proposal. I don't want to get married cause I want to continue my education and maybe get married later. I explained this to my parents (ALOT) but they won't listen to me. They are basically blackmailing me into getting married. How do I convince my parents to leave me alone about this topic without hurting their feelings?

Thanks,

Edited by Faatima_ki_kaneez, 27 May 2012 - 12:55 AM.

[Ricky-Dee]

Sometimes the truth hurts.

Id rather hurt someones feelings with the truth, then live a painful life, living a lie

[TruthSeeker_953]

the most difficult phase of life when you have differences with your parents on something......and Specially on marriage...
I will advise you to listen to your parents if you dont have anyone else in your mind for wedding..

[md. ammar ali]

i think you could continue with ua studies even aftr marriage

isnt it?

so what is ur issue - is it just for studies or u dislike that person or have some 1 else in your heart

or u never wanna get married?

[Darth Vader]

Sister its obvious that you'll get married because you are not willing to disobey your parents which is a good thing imo but the big mistake you might be making here is that you have probably not made a good enough appraisal of your future husband. This isn't time for complaining or indecisive indifference towards this most important matter. You should determine if the guy is compatible, this is one of the biggest decisions of your life which will decide how the rest of it will play out. If you suspect that he's not compatible or feasible for getting married with then alert your parents. Or else you will have hate for your parents for their wrong decision (and yourself for not paying attention) for the rest of your life. Many people make this mistake and pay for living with it for the rest of their lives.

So you should lens out the guy's short comings and his mother's and sisters' too if he lives with his parents. Be meticulous about it, it is YOUR life. After that, you should address your parents like a grown up and list all the things wrong with the proposal. Tell your parents that you love them but don't want to hate them later for making a bad decision for you, and instead they should wait just a little longer for a better proposal instead of possibly ruining their daughter's life.

That's the first thing you should do right now and it just might work for you. If it doesn't work then relax, it might be ordained and you should start to learn to be more patient. Have a positive attitude about it, make it a memorable time, and don't ever let it get under your skin.

[ShahBano_BZ]

I am sorry to know that you are going through emotional turmoil and a phase of uncertainty. I can sort of relate to it. I also got married just because most girls do get married in our family round about 17/18 and despite my reluctance and disinterest in marriage, I sort of gave in to subtle pressure of people around me.  I was not at all pressurized by my Baba, it's just that 16 onwards was a very irritating periods because of proposals and insistence from the others, so just to get rid of this discrete pressure by the other people and on-going saga of marriage proposals , I told my father to chose one and get over this whole nasty business.
Childish--I know.

Do not give in to the pressure if you are really not interested in marriage. It's not easy to live with a man who wants more from you than you are willing to give.
You would feel guilty, irritated and cornered. Be responsible and tell your parents firmly and politely that you are just not interested in marriage right now, and ask them if due to your emotional barriers you can't be a good wife than whose fault it would be. It's your life and more than this life the after-life is also yours, you would be answerable for the level of interest and effort you put in the marriage. What if you just did not want to give too much to the man---it happens, unwanted love is nothing but a burden, you know-----but still you would be considered responsible for your actions.

One must never marry until one  either really wants to or really needs to.

Good Luck

Edited by ShahBano_BZ, 27 May 2012 - 04:36 AM.

[Haydar Husayn]

Faatima_ki_kaneez, on 27 May 2012 - 01:32 AM, said:

If you guys have any hadith from the prophet about women and marriage, their rights, importance of education for women, etc, I'd appreciate it.

The hadiths say you should get married young, and that if you get a proposal from someone pious and who's character you like, then you shouldn't turn him down. A woman's education is not very emphasised in the hadiths, to put it mildly. On the other hand, nobody can force you into marriage, so you have the right to say no.

Therefore, the best thing for you to do would be to take Abu Dujana's advice, and make some efforts to find out what this man is like. The chances are he won't be compatible, so you can then turn him down with a valid religious reason. If he does turn out to be compatible, then you would be making a big mistake in turning him down, since it may take a long time to find another such person;

[ShahBano_BZ]

Haydar Husayn, on 27 May 2012 - 04:50 AM, said:

The hadiths say you should get married young, and that if you get a proposal from someone pious and who's character you like, then you shouldn't turn him down. A woman's education is not very emphasised in the hadiths, to put it mildly. On the other hand, nobody can force you into marriage, so you have the right to say no.

Therefore, the best thing for you to do would be to take Abu Dujana's advice, and make some efforts to find out what this man is like. The chances are he won't be compatible, so you can then turn him down with a valid religious reason. If he does turn out to be compatible, then you would be making a big mistake in turning him down, since it may take a long time to find another such person;

Compatibility is not an issue, you can be reluctant to be even with a compatible person. The simple thing is when you do not want to play a particular role than it becomes very difficult to play along the line.

They  is no point in feeling guilty for the rest of your life.

Edited by ShahBano_BZ, 27 May 2012 - 05:03 AM.

[AR2011]

whilst u should use life's experiences to ur advantage, u shouldnt let them dictate ur life. not all marriages are abusive by any measure. dont close urself off. find out about this suitor. if he is a good mumin, ur compatible and he is 100% agreeable to u continuing ur education (u can even have this as a clause in ur marriage contract) then do not refuse. a religious person who u r compatible with doesnt come knocking on ur door every day. dont take a decision to refuse lightly and dont refuse because ur afraid of getting into an abusive marriage.

[Shiashiashia!]

salamu3alaykum sister

dont let your mothers bad experience make you not want to get married, if every girl did that , no one would get married!

and why would getting married stop you from continuing study?

sister just trust in Allah swt, what ever happens now is for the best and inshallah khair,

but just make sure you dont turn down a good man for a silly reason \

may Allah swt help you make the best decision

wasalam

[Gypsy]

Faatima_ki_kaneez, on 27 May 2012 - 01:32 AM, said:

no one else in my heart. I probably could keep studying. I know how illogical and unreasonable my reasoning is. I'm not trying to offend any of hte men btw. After seeing the way my mom has lived for hte past 25 years, abused physically and emotionally, I'm afraid of getting married, ending up in the same situation, adn not being able to get out. Especially since her education was stopped to get married, she never continued, and is suffering still. I can't tell my parents this cause i'lll offend my father, and my mother.

But this is the exact thing you need to tell them. You are right to fear that what happened to your parents will happen to you. The apples don't fall far from the tree.

Education is a life saver in a bad marriage. It gives you options when you most needed it.

[1472Maryam]

Salam alaikum fatima_ki_khaneez,

First of all, you are not bothering us.

There are several things that seem to be concerning you:
1) Finishing your education - you can tell any man you talk to that that is a condition of your marriage.  If he is not willing to accept that condition, then he would not be for you.
2) Ending up in an abusive marriage like your parents' - this is a valid concern.  Do you know what the marriages of people who do not abuse or accept abuse look like?  Do your parents know?  You would want to be very careful in your choice of a husband.  In some ways you may have your antennae up for that type of behavior since you have seen it in your own family, but in other ways because it may seem "normal" you may overlook some behaviors.  In many cultures it is common for other male family members to come to the first meeting of families of prospective couples.  Do you have a trusted uncle or other male relative that has a good marriage and a good insight into human nature that may be able to look out for problem behaviors to be sure that whoever you choose to marry will be suitable?
3) Talking to your parents about it.  This is a very touchy situation.  I don't know your father and what his reaction would be, but I have known families in which the wife was abused, but the daughter never was until she became a teenager and questioned something her father said.  I would not want that to happen to you.

These are a few things you may want to think about.  This is a very difficult time for you and I wish I could be more helpful.  Inshallah you will find what will work best for you.

[shia_from_texas]

Shiashiashia!, on 28 May 2012 - 01:58 AM, said:

salamu3alaykum sister

dont let your mothers bad experience make you not want to get married, if every girl did that , no one would get married!

and why would getting married stop you from continuing study?

sister just trust in Allah swt, what ever happens now is for the best and inshallah khair,

but just make sure you dont turn down a good man for a silly reason \

may Allah swt help you make the best decision

wasalam

Salam alaikum (from Johanna),

I have to agree with you. It is true, sometimes whenever you look at your mother and her experience, you really become fearful that maybe your life would turn out the same way. My parents did not allow me to get married till I graduated from college. The reason was my parents always said that I needed my education in case something happens in the future and I had to take care of myself with no husband. They were right. In my case, I was determined to not have my mother's life and so I married a man that I thought would be good to me, etc. I was very young and naive and guess what? He was just like my father! He was abusive mentally and physically, I hated every day that I was married to him.  I wanted to continue my education (do graduate work) and he made it impossible for me to do so. Suffice it to say that after 3 years of marriage, I had to walk away.  It was hard, but I learned a life lesson.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are no guarantees in life and maybe you will have a bad experience, but then again you might just have the most wonderful life too.  Don't be so frightened and trust in Allah.

[Christianlady]

Faatima_ki_kaneez, on 27 May 2012 - 01:32 AM, said:

no one else in my heart. I probably could keep studying. I know how illogical and unreasonable my reasoning is. I'm not trying to offend any of hte men btw. After seeing the way my mom has lived for hte past 25 years, abused physically and emotionally, I'm afraid of getting married, ending up in the same situation, adn not being able to get out. Especially since her education was stopped to get married, she never continued, and is suffering still. I can't tell my parents this cause i'lll offend my father, and my mother.

If you guys have any hadith from the prophet about women and marriage, their rights, importance of education for women, etc, I'd appreciate it.

If you think this is a topic where there can really be no concrete answer, feel free to say so. you might not have the answer, but neither do i. i dunno what to do. If i dont' do smehting, I will have to get married

Hello Faatima_ki_kaneez,

Have you ever talked to your Mom and asked her why she stayed in a relationship where she was being abused?

Sad to say, many women of many different beliefs go through this, and it ends up hurting their children as well. And the cycle continues...

Is there a Muslim human rights group or women's shelter in your area that can help you explain to your parents that it is important for you to get your education before getting married?

My Mom and Dad got married when they were both 18 years old. Neither one finished college. My Mom dropped out when she gave birth to me. She is going to university now! (I am so proud of her!) It is possible to continue one's education after getting married (my sister did) but it's really hard, especially when babies come.

Maybe if you encouraged your parents to think in the way of improving the family's situation through you getting your education, that would help? Education is a great gift from God!!!

Peace and God bless you