41 replies to this topic

[Zahra_]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and I would really appreciate some advice. I finally told my parents that I am interested in marrying an American man who wants to convert to islam.We're both 22 and I've known him for about 5 years now and we've only been friends until about a year ago. My parents said it was okay as long as he is honest about becoming muslim and he is a good person. What I've been worried about is that he really doesn't know much about islam besides the basics. He's looking forward to meeting my parents but he's also afraid because of his lack of knowledge about the religion. I'm just worried about my parents not trusting him because of the fact that he doesn't know very much and his sole reason of converting is because we want to be together and we want it to be right and not sinful. My parents are very very religious and they're worried about him messing with my head even though I've told them that isn't the case since I've known this person for 5 years. He said he'd do anything to make sure that we get married and make my parents happy. I'm just very stressed out over this whole ordeal. What do you suggest I do?

[Quranist]

offtopic.

OP please dont mind it.I have no intention to bully you.

but i find it really funny that teengers specially girls first gets involve with man and then they think what will be the out come.....what were they thinking before getting in love with an unknown person who is not even muslim.and then they cry over here to get the solution LOL

any ways...i hope u will get some better reply from other guys.

Edited by yamolaAlimadad, 12 January 2012 - 03:30 AM.

[Zahra_]

yamolaAlimadad, on 12 January 2012 - 03:21 AM, said:

offtopic.

OP please dont mind it.I have no intention to bully you.

I posted in the sisters forum because I did not want any input from males.

[alimohamad40]

reasons for coming to islam should not be for the self interest  but the man needs to be convinced that this is the way that he wants in his life,,,  religion is not a joke but it determines your eternity ,,,,

5 years your friends?
in islam this is all haraam to have a relationship outside marriage,,  there is no friendship between the opposite genders and you have proved it with your scenario that you did not remain freinds,



marriage is so simple  its only a few words and doesnt even require witnesses, and even you have the option of temporary marriage to be used instead of haraam engagements but a muslim female is not allowed to marry a non muslim man.

[Waiting for HIM]

OP - with all due respect and consideration, the following words are gonna be tough but I've witnessed several cases like yours. Based on these:

1. He is marrying you for you, not for Islam.
2. You are not in love, you and he are in lust and infatuation.
3. I see a breakup and a heartbreaking divorce in 3-5 years. You will have one or two kids by then and you will be left alone to take care of the kids.
4. Get ready for him messing up with a secret girlfriend somewhere 4-5 years down the road.
5. Get ready for alcohol and domestic abuse 2-3 years down the road.

Again since testosterone are flowing high and wide, you may not listen to this advice just yet. But mark these words, and come back in 2017, and re-read this post and reflect.

[kim.tinkerbell]

First he needs to convert to islam for islam and not other reason. It sounds like your part of the reason his converting. But Allah 3lam.

Its nice when people tell you they will do anything for you, but you have to put god first then that individual.

You should leave him to study the relgion by him self to understand it fully. You can marry him because he has converted but dont drop to hard. One of my mates married a convert but he only converted for her and not the relgion, two years down the line she has a baby and his left her and islam. The thing is some converts convert for the wrong reasons without knowibg. But the converts that convert truely for the relgion they usually know alot, more then a born muslim at times.

You can talk more to determine if his converted for the right reasons and not just for you.

They may accepte the relgion out of love , for the person they love. He does sound like he wants to impress your family so his probably going to study more , you can help him to but its best if he does it himself because thats a test for him.

[Waiting for HIM]

Here's my criterion for any relationship - friendship, courtship, marriage, love, and all...

You can agree or disagree at your own risk

Allah created us, gave us Islam and Eiman, made us Muslims and humans, fed us, blessed us with good parents, siblings, friends, food, luxuries, entertainment.
A living, walking, flying creature of Allah, has to die so we humans can fill our stomach. Imagine how infinitely merciful Allah is and has been to us.

Then you find people who are not faithful to this infinitely merciful Creator - who has given us everything.

How come this person could be faithful to you and I ????

So first make sure he submits (a very tall order even for born Muslims) fully to Allah (swt) before you submit to him.

[-Enlightened]

sister , do not worry =]
everything in the will of Allah.
Take this man if he is good for you (seek help from Allah ..istikhara)
and leave the rest.

He will become more religious with time ..perhaps he may consider going to hawza for a few months . Go with him

[Zahra_]

Enlightened_x, on 12 January 2012 - 06:44 PM, said:

sister , do not worry =]
everything in the will of Allah.
Take this man if he is good for you (seek help from Allah ..istikhara)
and leave the rest.

He will become more religious with time ..perhaps he may consider going to hawza for a few months . Go with him

Thank you for your advice.

[Zahra_]

Waiting for HIM, on 12 January 2012 - 11:01 AM, said:

OP - with all due respect and consideration, the following words are gonna be tough but I've witnessed several cases like yours. Based on these:

1. He is marrying you for you, not for Islam.
2. You are not in love, you and he are in lust and infatuation.
3. I see a breakup and a heartbreaking divorce in 3-5 years. You will have one or two kids by then and you will be left alone to take care of the kids.
4. Get ready for him messing up with a secret girlfriend somewhere 4-5 years down the road.
5. Get ready for alcohol and domestic abuse 2-3 years down the road.

Again since testosterone are flowing high and wide, you may not listen to this advice just yet. But mark these words, and come back in 2017, and re-read this post and reflect.

Your reply is funny because he doesn't drink (he's never done it and looks down on people who do it) he doesn't smoke or eat pork and he's the most honest person I know. I understand that some girls are niave and have had this happen to them but you can't go around telling girls that this will for sure happen like you know them personally. Even if you believe that this is the case, say it in a respectful manner and warn the girl about the dangers of it.

[Chipkali]

Salaam alaikum sister,

Perhaps you should give him a test like someone else has mentioned. See if he is sincerely wanting to revert to Islam because he BELIEVES it is the truth. Not because he wants to marry you. I married a man who I knew at the time was probably closer to Allah (swt) than I was. And alhumdulillah with his help, I have gotten the opportunity to serve our Lord so much more than I probably would have if I wasn't married to him.

If this man you want to marry holds impeccable akhlaq and has beliefs that are sensibly, have him explore Islam on his own and remove the condition of a potential marriage if he decides to revert.

Marrying someone who will revert only because he wants to marry you is a bit dangerous. What if he doesn't believe in Islam anymore after the marriage? Or what if he is a "non-practicing Muslim?" These are all factors to take in to consideration.

May Allah (swt) guide us all to the path of righteousness.

[BillyJo]

Its obvious that you don't really like this person in Islam since you were friends with him before he considered it and you said the only reason he is converting is because of you so basically you know he doesn't believe in Islam but he will fake it just to be with you. This whole relationship sounds very strange and awkward and I am sure if you guys get married it will only get more awkward. Inshella you make the right decision.

لا تتزوجي انسان لغير دينه اختي والله كلامك غير مقنع ابداً وتبريرك ليس في محله بس الله يهديكي ان شاء الله كان من المفترض ما تكوني صداقات مع غير المحارم ابتدءاً بالذات انك من النجف وما عهدنا هذا الشيء منكن .. المهم اختي الله يسهل عليكي ان شاء الله وتلاقي زوج الذي يقال انه فعلا زوج غير مشكوك في دينه فهذا الانسان والله ما هي الا بضع سنين حين يزهق منك راح يطلقك او انتي تطلقيه بالذات ان العادات بعيدة فخذيها نصيحة اختي

[AmericanShiaSister]

If he is willing to revert before the marriage, preferably before or during engagement, and it doesn't work. Then at least you know his decision was in true faith. But if it is solely to marry you, I would be wary. Allah (sub7anahu wa t3ala) wants us to have a lawful marriage that includes a religious love. When I was younger, I always thought I would marry a non-Muslim once he agreed to conversion. Now that I am older (and hopefully wiser!), I know my intentions were makruh. It is better to have a marriage that would last and is favored by God than out of lustful love. Trust me, it never lasts. But if you can find someone who truly loves Allah (sub7anahu wa t3ala), then that is truly remarkable. Again, I am not trying to tell you what to do. Only God knows what is best for you. Good luck in your journey towards marriage, sister.

[AlphaMale_ASAD]

You should let him be Muslim for a while. Im a revert. The first few years are the hardest. It'll make or break u. Specially with ur parents and family.

[Janana]

I 100% agree with what Asadullabdallah has said. Converting and making huge lifestyle changes is not something that comes easily. Aside from all the he will be experiencing (if he converts InshaAllah) he has to deal with his family and social sphere which can be a huge emotional roller coaster. It took me a few years to be completely comfortable in my own skin as a Muslim, having made drastic changes in my life over a fairly short period of time. Several of my own dearest friends ended up in divorce simply because they got married too soon after conversion and found that their beliefs and way of life was drastically different from their spouse's. I also agree with what the others have said - make sure he is converting on his own volition and let him seek his own knowledge. He may not realize it yet but if you wait and let him develop as a person you'll have a much healthier relationship in the future.

If I were you I would give it more time before you consider marriage to each other. The best guidance for him right now may be for you to introduce him to a practicing brother (your brother, male cousin, friend's brother, or friend's husband) that can be a support to him while he is discovering Islam. All the best!

[Gypsy]

I think the first step is to find out if his conversion to Islam is a long term commitment or not. You will need to ask him if he will be a Muslim even if you were not thinking of marrying him.

If he is just doing this for you, then chances are he'll grew out of Islam after a few years of marriage.

On the plus side, I have also seen some men/women who converted to Islam and stay in the same religion for life long.

No one can really answer this question for you. You know him more than anyone else here. While his reasons for converting to Islam may looks flimsy now (to be married to you) but it may turn out that he could became a sincere follower of Islam.

[Alejandro Sosa]

Zahra_, on 12 January 2012 - 03:04 AM, said:

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and I would really appreciate some advice. I finally told my parents that I am interested in marrying an American man who wants to convert to islam.We're both 22 and I've known him for about 5 years now and we've only been friends until about a year ago. My parents said it was okay as long as he is honest about becoming muslim and he is a good person. What I've been worried about is that he really doesn't know much about islam besides the basics. He's looking forward to meeting my parents but he's also afraid because of his lack of knowledge about the religion. I'm just worried about my parents not trusting him because of the fact that he doesn't know very much and his sole reason of converting is because we want to be together and we want it to be right and not sinful. My parents are very very religious and they're worried about him messing with my head even though I've told them that isn't the case since I've known this person for 5 years. He said he'd do anything to make sure that we get married and make my parents happy. I'm just very stressed out over this whole ordeal. What do you suggest I do?

no offense to any reverts here..
but why yould you marry a man who clearly only wants to convert to please you and your parents? That is not a real conversion

I was listening to a lecture by Sayyed Mustafa Qazwini the other day, on this exact topic, he sees it all the time in his hussainiya in america, guys coming to convert just to get married, in his words, "99% of their Islam is rubbish"

I wish our honourable Muslim sisters would stop getting swayed by these kafirs, but what can you do.

Waiting for HIM, on 12 January 2012 - 11:01 AM, said:

OP - with all due respect and consideration, the following words are gonna be tough but I've witnessed several cases like yours. Based on these:

1. He is marrying you for you, not for Islam.
2. You are not in love, you and he are in lust and infatuation.
3. I see a breakup and a heartbreaking divorce in 3-5 years. You will have one or two kids by then and you will be left alone to take care of the kids.
4. Get ready for him messing up with a secret girlfriend somewhere 4-5 years down the road.
5. Get ready for alcohol and domestic abuse 2-3 years down the road.

Again since testosterone are flowing high and wide, you may not listen to this advice just yet. But mark these words, and come back in 2017, and re-read this post and reflect.

I agree 100% bro.

Shi3i, on 14 January 2012 - 03:58 AM, said:

Its obvious that you don't really like this person in Islam since you were friends with him before he considered it and you said the only reason he is converting is because of you so basically you know he doesn't believe in Islam but he will fake it just to be with you. This whole relationship sounds very strange and awkward and I am sure if you guys get married it will only get more awkward. Inshella you make the right decision.

لا تتزوجي انسان لغير دينه اختي والله كلامك غير مقنع ابداً وتبريرك ليس في محله بس الله يهديكي ان شاء الله كان من المفترض ما تكوني صداقات مع غير المحارم ابتدءاً بالذات انك من النجف وما عهدنا هذا الشيء منكن .. المهم اختي الله يسهل عليكي ان شاء الله وتلاقي زوج الذي يقال انه فعلا زوج غير مشكوك في دينه فهذا الانسان والله ما هي الا بضع سنين حين يزهق منك راح يطلقك او انتي تطلقيه بالذات ان العادات بعيدة فخذيها نصيحة اختي

Again, good advice imo.

[kareema]

Assalamu alaykum,

I'm a Muslim convert. I don't know if I can say much but it is a very big thing to become a Muslim and it can lead to serius anxieties and mental distress even if you did it sincerely. No matter what is perhabs the first reason and the motivation a person should live with the decision after that. Becoming a Muslim and living as a Muslim openly and in public after converting may not be an easy thing. Is the guy ready to be a Muslim in public? If the only connect to islam and Muslim society is your spouse then you are weak. Encourage him to make friends with good Muslim brothers that could make dawa for him.

Sometimes it is said that female converts have become Muslims because of love. Maybe some have done so but is it wise? Who is ready to be the target of hate from non-Muslims only because of love for some humanbeing? Should be really big love and sorry to say, I don't believe in such thing. The love can end to divorse or death. You should still live as a Muslim after that. Is that man aware of that once a person becomes a Muslim there's not any going back to the old life or how seriously islam conciders leaving islam if that happened one day, god forbid?

I wouldn't advise you to introduse the guy to your parents if you didn't do it already. Instead forget about the marriage until you are sure that he's actually going to convert - sincerely and aware of that it's a life long commitment even if your relationship would end one day. The best thing to do at this point is to give him a serious chance to get to know about islam more. Invite him to your local mosque where you usually go to. Ask him to talk to the imam and other Muslim brothers and ask about islam...

[Inception]

Salaam aleykom

FIrst, I feel your 7eerah, its not easy situation, and dont listen to judging people who don't know you and don't know your situation in details...I dont think you made anything haraam, you probably met in class, and have doing your uni together for so long..we shouldn't judge

and it can be a very beautiful thing, that you were one of the reasons he wants to be muslim, you showed him good islamic manners, peioty, honesty, respect for others..you gave him a good example of a good muslim, and he wants to be a part of islam thanks to you

and we have to admit, admiration and respect can help to show the right way..

Having said that..

you have got very good advice from others...READ THEM CAREFULLY, really read them over and over and think about them..(not the offensive ones)


to be practical, and to summarize what have been said:

1. be sure he wants to become muslim for God's sake, not yours...he should proof it to you (and to himself)..pleeeeeaaaase, understand, it can be just words he THINKS he believes in..be tough with him in this point..you will be marrying a kafir, think about it (although, we can't call him a kafir, but I'm trying to frighten you hehehe)

2. push him to learn more, introduce him to a religious guy that would teach him about islam..

3. after a while ask that brother about his faith, does he show signs of being eager to know islam?? to live as a muslim?? to love Allah more than loving you??

wish you all the best, may Allah guide you in this one and throughout life inshaAllah

cheers

[shiaaliibrahim]

Why don't you admit that the haraam has already happened. 5 Years and you got to know him so well, what about your modesty?  It sounds like if your parents were not involved you would marry him conversion or not.  If this was a pure situation he would have converted already, what were you talking about the last 5 years?

[Maryammm]

Salam, just wanted to say that shiaaliibrahim is unfair in their comment, they shouldn't assume that just because of the time span that you have known this man, you and him have commited haram, that's not fair and is unIslamic to presume someone has sinned.
  I would definitly like to echo some of the other points though, you REALLY REALLY need to make sure he is serious about Islam for the sake of Allah(swt) and not for being with you, otherwise any shahadah he recites will not be valid, and subsequently any marriage contract you do will not be valid and therefore the relationship would then be a haram one.
I suggest that you discuss with him and explain that Islam is a lifelong commitment and a huge struggle, it is a whole lifestyle change and invloves a lot more then no pork, no alcohol and no smoking. You need to explain some of the basic beliefs, Tawhid, nabuwwah and risalah, wilayat, kitaballah, malaikah, akhirah, yaum al qiyamah etc. You also need to explain some of the basic practices, shahadah, salah, sawm, hajj, ziyarah etc. As well as the fact that their is laws and guidance for everything, in Islam that we must follow in every way in sincerity, i.e. fiqh, shari'ah etc. I would also suggest that you ask him as part of this conversation if he is ready for all that, and that the conversion cannot just be a formality for marriage, and that he should believe in it for a whole life change, regardless of whether he ends up marrying you, or if the marriage ended in divorce or death. The Quran says that when a person enters Islam, they must enter into it wholly. If as a result of this conversation, he is still interested in Islam, and professes that he truly wants to believe in it for AllahÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì, then I suggest refering him to a reliable scholar at a masjid and/or hawza for serious study, you could also attend as well but at a higher level of study, but I would suggest that after you refer him, he needs to do this on his own for A LONG TIME and to prove himself to be a true reasonably knowlegable and practicing Muslim for the sake of AllahÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì. I would suggest he studies and (if he converts) starts practicing Islam and implementing it into his life for about a year to a year and half-sounds like a long time, but when it is such an important and massive re-structuring and re-shaping of your value system, religion and lifestyle, that could possible include loosing or damaging relations with family and friends, a year to a year and half is nothing...

I wish you all the best in your time of difficulty and I hope that this all works out for the best inshallah. I hope that you can maintain patience in dealing with this, as it could be a very long and hard struggle, and you may not get the outcome that you would like. Try as hard as you can to not let this situation and love consume you, and maintain your faith and remember Allah(swt) and the beloved Ahlul Bayt(as). Keep your parents on board and try to listen to their advice, even if you don't like it, keep communications open and try to deal with them in a kind manor. I will keep you in my du3as inshallah, and once again, salams and all the best x

[fightingsoul001]

shiaaliibrahim, on 19 June 2012 - 06:10 PM, said:

Why don't you admit that the haraam has already happened. 5 Years and you got to know him so well, what about your modesty?  It sounds like if your parents were not involved you would marry him conversion or not.  If this was a pure situation he would have converted already, what were you talking about the last 5 years?

Don't judge anyone. Look at your own self first. I am pretty sure you yourself will not be perfect yet.

[yukapuka]

It seems that there is alot of intolerance from the brothers here.

Sister follow your heart, follow your reason and logic, and follow and seek God's guidance.

The best thing to do is to do Istekhara and see that it is good for you, also check with somebody who has better knowledge of Islam such as a Sheik etc

Also think about your life and future, and think about what it is you want, and be realistic.

In my personally experience i have found many non muslims to be better in Ahlaq then most muslims and just more honest and true then those who know truth, so dont be discouraged, but do make sure to check istekhara and be reasonable and realisitc and think this through, and really be certain as to what it is you are seeking with this man, is it physical love? or is there a more deeper connection, you know the truth and dont be bias and prejudice or ever let that influence your mind.

Inshallah you arre successfull and find what you are looking for.

[Waiting for HIM]

yukapuka, on 21 June 2012 - 11:28 AM, said:

It seems that there is alot of intolerance from the brothers here.

Sister follow your heart, follow your reason and logic, and follow and seek God's guidance.

Bad advice.

Instead follow your reasoning (aql) only, follow the reasoning of your parents and well wishers, follow the reasoning of the experiences that others had, and best of all, follow the collective wisdom of right-minded Shia Chaters.

Life is neither a Hollywood Chickflick nor a Bollywood dancing duo. This is your life. A precious life that was given birth after carrying 9 months in a womb, fed by the blood of your mother, raised and cared for, physically, emotionally, and spiritually until now, where your dad and mom toiled to give you a good and secure livelihood and much more that we don't know.

Its a precious life of yours that you have to return it to your Allah (swt) in its best form. Do not devalue it such that you give it over to another man who is coming in Allah's fold only for a woman's vagina.

inshAllah hormones will subside and you will find a good solid wisdom in making the right decision for your self.

Edited by Waiting for HIM, 21 June 2012 - 11:56 AM.