30 replies to this topic

[LostAtSea]

I'm writing to receive advice and some type of guidance within my life. All responses are welcome, rude, judgmental or encouraging, write as you like...penmanship is yours. I don’t care about life anymore and feel hopeless.

In my life, I have formulated an addiction or an egregious problem (viewing of adult videos, haram sexual acts for years) that I have used to "escape" from my other life problems or issues. It became worse to wear I would show myself to others online and have sex chat etc.

I formulated this problem as a result of my failure to address issues while I was a teenager. When younger, I was teased and made fun of and really did not have many friends and still dont.  I guess I started to believe what I was told and really did not know how to deal with people in school so I used videos to “solve” my problems.  The same fears and feelings (feeling inadequate, socially rejected in school, didn’t understand why kids didn’t want to be my friend, etc.) stuck with me when I grew-up.

I am always very sad, depressed, and never happy because I feel that the good, sincere, and pure person that I want to be is trapped by some monster or a person, some evil, and twisted person. In other words, the Angel (purity) within me has been taken over by a Demon (evil).

With such a dark past, along with this addiction or problem also came deception, lying, betrayal, anger, frustration, confusion, hate, guilt, shame, sorrow, despair and an enormous and tremendous amount of rejection of myself and others.

As a result of my actions, many many things became najis (i.e. bathroom,carpet, mattress, clothes, seat in the car, bed etc.)

I have tried to clean those najis areas and sometimes I didn't because at the time I felt like a piece of trash, and I felt that I was worthless and did not deserve to live; there are other things that became najis that I don't remember exactly since it was so long ago and my memory is bogged down.

Because of my addiction and dozens of attempts to try to stop, I do not know what has become tahir and what areas ara najis. This is what haunts me and keeps me in a cycle of depression and hopelessness.  The cycle of wanting to “Escape.”   Because of the issue concerning najis, I feel that I can never improve my problem…let me explain why.
When siblings, as kids are, come out of the shower wet and drips water on the carpet, or when it rains and one gets into the car (with najis seats), then goes into the home and sits on the couch, other things become najis.

I feel that I cannot fix and make things tahir so then to “escape” my problem I resort to videos. I try to pray everyday and ask for forgiveness but that goes straight out the window because I always resort back to “escaping” my problems.
Many times I feel so angry and mad and sad and frustrated. I feel I want to turn into the HULK and punch a hole through the ground and want to scream as a loud as a tiger can roar. I want to just crush everything with one massive punch.  I want to escape and leave; this is the only way that I can describe how it feels when I want to escape.

Imagine standing in a small room and the walls are 20 feet high. Suddenly the walls start to close in and the room you are in gets smaller and smaller. Obviously you are going to panic and try to escape but you cannot because the walls are 20 feet tall and there is no way out.  Imagine that panic feeling..that feeling of wanting to escape. That is how I feel the Angel within me is..the Demon is pushing the walls closer and closer until the Angel becomes nothing.

I want to get married one day but I know that no Muslim girl will ever accept me because of my problem. I mean, I would never do to a girl what is done in those videos, but no girl will ever believe me and see that I am worthy to be with them.
Sometimes I wish I can just make everything tahir so I can be at piece because I cannot sleep at night..for example when my sibling is in the bathroom because I feel that she is spreading the najis area unknowingly because she gets water on the floor etc. then walks on the carpet.

Everyday seems to be the same. Wake-up, feel like a dark cloud is over me, unmotivated, bogged-down, don’t see how I fit in with society. I feel lonely and don’t really understand why I am here.  Many times, when alone, I cry and can only put my face down into the pillow trying to understand what I am doing to my life…how much of a failure I am to my family and to myself.  Sometimes I wish to just fall off the face of the Earth and never return because I have lost all hope in my life.  Sometimes I wish not to live, but I don’t have the courage to do that.

I am always zoned-out. Physically I may be on the bus, train, car, in the mall, at a sports game, talking to family, friends, etc. but I am mentally on another planet. I may hear what people are saying to me, and I respond, yet, my mind is not really with the conversation; I am not fully in the moment and am never fully in the moment. Despite all of the love around me and given to me, I feel that all I have is my heart beat to keep me company.  I never learned to be proud of myself, of my accomplishments. Anytime that I may seem happy, its just a fake happiness.

As a result of my dysfunctional life...what it has become...I do not love myself or accept myself because of my problems. I feel that if I accept myself, then I will be accepting the haram sins that I committed. All I have known is self-rejection and I push love away from me because I do not love myself. Siblings tell me they love me-as all families do- but I don’t feel it. I hear it, yes, but that’s it.

I pray to God, and logically thinking, I know He accepts and forgives one for their sins, but in my mind, I do not understand how God will forgive me since I do not know what is tahir and what is najis due to my problem. I want piece of heart to know that God will accept me and love me and forgive me for my sins, but I do not know if He will.

Becauses of this nothing in the world really matters. I don’t care about iphones, slick cars, or anything because Im always worried about making it to Heaven.  I’m scared to die, yet, I feel dead.

I feel lost in life and uncertain. I have many dreams that I want to accomplish but nothing ever happens because of severe low self esteem and no self confidence.

I always feel that girls can see right through me whenever I try to talk to them as little as I do and because of this, I avoid them and never really talk to them.

I just wish I had someone to talk to and cry to and just get help to somehow fix my life so I can actually live because I feel alone like I want to disappear or be invisible and not live.

[Waiting for HIM]

Here is to cure your self worthlessness which is the base of your problem.

1. Pick an exercise or fitness habit. No need to join the gym, just walk, treadmill, body weight workouts such as pushups and so on.
2. volunteer in your local area. Do not aim to fix the world, just do something small like a soup kitchen etc.
3. Regularly go to your masjid and get involved in religious activities.
4. Set small goals around work, fitness, and academics. Write down ways to achieve those. Ask a responsible adult to counsel you for this.
5. Set long-term goals around work, fitness, and academics. Write down ways to achieve those. Ask a responsible adult to counsel you for this.

The key ingredient is CONSISTENCY... Be consistent and regular and regain your life back.

As far as najasat, just tell your parents that you brought a puppy home when they were out and it has made everything najis including rug, floors, bathroom etc. Let them handle it.... (ideally you should not lie but obviously you can not tell them that you were that puppy....

[3rd June]

Waiting for HIM, on 17 November 2011 - 12:24 AM, said:

As far as najasat, just tell your parents that you brought a puppy home when they were out and it has made everything najis including rug, floors, bathroom etc. Let them handle it.... (ideally you should not lie but obviously you can not tell them that you were that puppy....

Nice reply but this made Me laugh

[Awaiting_for_the12th]

Waiting for HIM, on 17 November 2011 - 12:24 AM, said:

Here is to cure your self worthlessness which is the base of your problem.

1. Pick an exercise or fitness habit. No need to join the gym, just walk, treadmill, body weight workouts such as pushups and so on.
2. volunteer in your local area. Do not aim to fix the world, just do something small like a soup kitchen etc.
3. Regularly go to your masjid and get involved in religious activities.
4. Set small goals around work, fitness, and academics. Write down ways to achieve those. Ask a responsible adult to counsel you for this.
5. Set long-term goals around work, fitness, and academics. Write down ways to achieve those. Ask a responsible adult to counsel you for this.

The key ingredient is CONSISTENCY... Be consistent and regular and regain your life back.

As far as najasat, just tell your parents that you brought a puppy home when they were out and it has made everything najis including rug, floors, bathroom etc. Let them handle it.... (ideally you should not lie but obviously you can not tell them that you were that puppy....

...or do bring a small puppy borrow it from a friend or something and well let it run lose in the house or areas you think are najis. And After that the best solution is (if you live in usa) to get one of those Rug Doctors for deep wash/clean (you can rent it cheap $50 dollars a day and easy to use) and have all the house carpets, sofas and car seats cleaned. The carpets should be cleaned anyways twice a year since Allah knows whose dirty feet are all over them.

[Aly ReZa]

you wil get many thread like this
where a person is fighting with the similar prob.
i knw that its very tough  to keep control on our desire but theres not the other way out.
try to fast or bang your lap top on the wall so that you will not be able to watch videos.

[786khayr]

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim-- Wa la hawal wala quwata illah billah- Allah is the supreme there is no power except that of Allah's, depression is a very bad thing, the hopelessness we feel after we have sinned is due to the accursed Satan, but Allah has given man the great will power and knowing what is right and wrong. This is the ultimate chance you have to undertake the great jihad- against one self, if you believe Allah's has given you the ability to fight it, pray to Him to directly, He will give you further strength, satan will keep tempting you as you try to fight it. Think of the sacrific of Imam Hussain, he sacrificed everything to save this great religion for the coming generations, the least we can do is try to save our religion for our own selves.. keep your aim clear.. u have to iA try to fight this and overcome it, focus, pray and Allah truy does help those keep their intentions pure for Him alone.. remember there will be a day when you will be standing in front of the Creator.. only Allah knows the depths of our actions noone else knows.. so ask for forgiveness and iA have a new begining.. may Allah truly make this difficult task easy for you..illahi Ameen

[Waiting for HIM]

786khayr, on 17 November 2011 - 05:00 AM, said:

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim-- Think of the sacrific of Imam Hussain, he sacrificed everything to save this great religion for the coming generations, the least we can do is try to save our religion for our own selves..

Loved the perspective here.... Good thinking brother.

[Ruq]

Salams,

First off, forget about whats najis and tahir, this is very much a secondary issue, your iternal enivironment is much more important and that is what you need to be concentrating on. You said yourself that you are in the dark as to how to solve it, so untill this is made clear theres nothing you can do about it anyway, just do your best with the knowledge you do have. Youve managed to work yourself into a bit of a situation, but there was a path in and there is a path out and you have to recognise that you are in control of what is happening, even when it doesnt feel like it. Dependencies are usually going to take a little hard work to over come, but people do it every day and so can you.
This is my advice to you: you need to cut down your time frame. Top and tail the past and future, everytime you dwell on the past you are bringing it back to life like Frankenstiens monster, re-animating it and giving it power, so accept that certain things have happened, but they are past tense, nothing can be done to change them, you are not living there now, youre living in this fresh new moment where you have choices and can decide who you want to be, you can decide to realise the BEST version of yourself this day, so do something kind for yourself and let yourself do that. Then you have the issue of feeling undeserving, i complete understand where your coming from and why these thoughts and feeling might exist, but they are completely rooted in old habits and experiences that are part of the past you, they have no place in the now and as long as you concentrate on resurrected them rather than creating new positive information about yourself, you will drag yourself down.
This isnt going to change over night, it is a day at a time and within that day you will make little positive changes that will be stepping stones to you realising the best version of yourself. These must include limiting old negative behaviours and thought patterns and introducing new positie ones, even if your hearts not in it at first, you must argue with yourself. Instead of saying things to yourself that ammount to 'im a worthless pile of [Edited Out]', you are going to tell yourself all the reason why you are not a worthless pile of [Edited Out]. Remind yourself of your good qualities and positive impacts youve had, no matter how small, they all count, in the whole scheme of things you dont know just how much, only God does, so dont think just because you havent been spooning food into the mouths of orphans that the positive things you have done (as simple as a smile or a kind word) havent made an impact- they have and they do. Also, meditating on the person you want to be, the 'best version' of you will help a lot. Take time to look at that you and the differences in you that you will see as you grow into this you and admire yourself as that person, let yourself feel the way that person feels and imagine you are him already.
Specifically with the video's, stop them. It really is that simple. At first you will have with drawel symptoms, but as long as you are indulging that impulse that path in your brain is fresh and easily firing, you need to create new habits and let that path become over grown and disappear. It will take time, if you slip up dont crucify yourself, the long term goal is not lost by a moments slip. But do your very best each day and it will become easier over time.

You seem to be craving a more spiritual life, this is extremely positive and it shows that you are already on this journey out of your old ways and the old you that you are disatisfied with, the journey is already under way.  Remeberance of God and the blessings you have will be very good for you, saying 'bismillah irahman irahim' for all the ease you recognise with the pain, supplicating and asking forgiveness is purifying, it can also help us to refocus on whats important and our betterment. Thank God for the pain because that is the lesson, the pain is the lesson. Sometimes it takes a long time to fully appreciate the lesson, but within the pain is the confrontation to yourself that is the lesson.

Also, there is alot of concentrating on yourself here, and that is not a bad thing, but sometimes we do it too much, we spend too much time analysing and not doing and often thinking and analysing can lead to resurrecting the past and negative thoughts and feelings that are not helpful at all. When you recognise yourself dwelling and being negative have a word or action that stops it in its tracks, like clapping your hands or saying 'SHUT UP', then immediately after consciously change what you are occupying your mind with and change it so something positive and in the now and try and 'get out of yourself', try spending a portion of your day concentrating on other people in one form or another, whether thats actively showing interest in family members or friend or learning about another person, historical/religious or someone currently living, or anything that is not concentrated on what happening with you internally.

Getting active also helps, it helps with depression and it helps with self discipline also and releasing emotion. Having a good cry deffo can help, but dont set yourself up for it by dwelling, let it come naturally and then go and move on.

If you havent already you might want to ask your doctor about counselling services, if you think it would help, other peopls perspectives and encouragement can help, but we have what we need in us to fix ourselves, we're all stronger and more intuitive than we realise.

I hope some of what i have said will help, i will dua for you also =)

[Abu Hadi]

Salams,

If you take a quick look at this site, you will see that there are alot, alot of brs (and some sisters even) with the same problem.
Remember that you are not alone and Allah(s.w.a) is Merciful. There are three issues here and should be dealt with seperately
1) Issue of Najis and Tahir
2) Issues of a temporary solution to your problem
3) Issue of a long term and permenant solution to your problem

1) Regarding the issues of najis and tahir, according to the resalat of Sayyid Sistani(ha) and Sayyid Fadlallah(ra), which are the ones that I am familiar with, something is tahir unless you have 100% proof it is najis. If najasat (substance which is najis in itself such as blood or semen) splashes on a carpet or a car seat, only the areas that came in direct contact with the najasat are najis until you make them tahir (pak). So if some najis substance got on a car seat, then it rained and water got on the car seat and spread the najasat, the seat is only najis to the extent of the spreading. If you don't know how far it spread, then you can assume the seat is tahir except the area where you are 100% sure and actually saw with your own eyes the najasat spreading out. If you forgot then it is tahir.

I know that some people and some families try to pound into their childrens heads that everything is najis except what you are 100% sure is tahir(pak). This is from Shaitan and against the clear teaching of our Prophet and Imams(a.s) and marjaa. If you don't believe me, look it up in the Resalat of the marjaa you follow. They are almost 100% in agreement on this.

This paranoia about najasat is definitely from Shaitan. Remeber that he is your enemy and once you go a little off the Sirat Al Mustakeem(the strait path laid down for us by Allah(s.w.a)) he tries to push you further and further off by telling you to delay or not to do your ibadat, like Salat(Namaz) because he, the Shaitan knows that if you continue with your salat that eventually you will find the Sirat Al Mustakeem again and he doesn't want that for you. Allah(s.w.a) wants you to follow the Sirat Al Mustakeem and that is why he made Salat very easy for us and made it very easy for us to make ourselves tahir, by ghusl and wudu (and also tayammum if this is applicable) and made it very easy for us to do Salat by being very specific in the teachings of our Prophet and Imams(a.s) that every place and everything is tahir unless you are 100% sure, by seeing by eye at that time, that it is najis. Some people are ignorant of this and don't follow it, unfortunately. Don't be one of those people.

2) As for a temporary solution, there is alot of them and you can pick which one is most viable for your life and situation. There is mutah, there is doing nawafil salat and mustahab sawn(fasting). Reading Quran, doing thikr. I have gone over these issues in other posts and you can do a search for this subject and you will probably find them. All these things loosen or weaken the connection Shaitan has over you. What you have done is opened a door for Shaitan to get into your soul. You need to close that door thru the above actions. You are not worthless. You are a creation of Allah(s.w.a) and you are blessed with hidayah because you know of the path of Islam and Ahl Al Bayt. The simple fact that Allah(s.w.a) has placed in your mind the idea that what you are doing is wrong and the desire in your soul to do Tawbah(repentence) means that Allah(s.w.a) has not abandoned you. If Allah(s.w.a) had abandoned you, then you wouldn't even think what you are doing is wrong and have no desire to do tawbah. 'There is noone that doesn't fear the punishment of Allah(s.w.a) except those who are destined to be within it'.

3) The long term solution is permenant marriage (zawaj tul nikah). If you have the opportunity to do it now, you should not wait. It will be easier for you to conquer this problem once you are married(either mutah or zawaj nikah). Salams,

[rosec]

If you live in the West, you might want to consider joining a twelve-step programme (Sex-addicts Anonymous or something like that) which will help you deal with your addiction, teach you how to live and love yourself. You need help and understanding and love, not judgmental advice.

[Saviour]

Bro, your not alone, the things with these kind of problems are that we think we are alone and that we are the worst of men for no one else on the planet does these acts. but the truth is that we are not alone. Allah (SWT) has an infinite amount of mercy. Why else Is he called the Merciful so often in the Quran.

To quit firstly you need to really think what's happening in your life and you need to realise the source of all these problems and fix it. If the problem is porn then you need to look back and reflect on the damage it may have cause to your life and from looking at that the aim is not to feel bad and become a hermit who is rapped and depressed. but the aim is to look back realise your mistakes and the wasted years and then make a vow to Allah (SWT) to change because surely he is the one who brought you into this world and surely he is who we return too.

Another way to stop these habits is to never let yourself become bored as when you are bored that is when you think of these acts and slowly become tempted to take part in them believe me this is actually true and it has effected me as well as many, so remember you are not alone. In addition being alone is what causes these problems, because if we think about it who would dare view one of these videos in front of his parents, family or friends. So therefore by hanging around such people the temptation wont arise. So i suggest to you brother to start to re-gain contact with those who you have become distant from. It may be hard at first but surely anything which is easy is not worth achieving. To conclude this point, remember this:

Say: O My servants who have transgressed against their own souls, despair not of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. (Surah az-Zumar 39:53)

So remember Allah (SWT) is the All Merciful, it is one of his Beautiful attributes and it does matter how many sins you have committed.

Secondly, after reflecting and realising what has caused these things or even before, set vows not only to Allah (SWT) but to yourself and Ask Allah (SWT) for forgiveness and do not despair because surely Allah (SWT) is the Most forgiving of the forgivers and the most Just of the just.

Brother , please take this advice on board and please feel free to contact me, it is not a bother The most important thing is to want to change.

Finally remember. 'If you sort out your problems with Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì, he will solve your problems with everyone else.'

[Maitham]

Salam alaykom wa rahmatuallahi wa barakatuh
an example one who is addicted to cigarettes may feel it is hard to stop smoking them,may even feel like it is not possible, but this is just the addiction trying to cling on or being magnified on someone, once that person stops after a little time the urge for it so much goes away. sometimes one may be tempted to smoke one but if they just ignore it, say that is not good for me and move on and get their mind occupied in better things it goes away. . you must just step away form this addition, go and pray or fast through the days when you shall be tempted, spend much time away form places were you can watch such things such. spend time with The qu'ran, and with family do not feel it is so big because that is a vanishing feeling. remember your at war with your addiction and self inclined towards adornment of sin you must over come it with turning away from it and turning towards Allah the absolute beauty. you should also take to repentance and if you can't ask Allah to help you, sorrow is a repentance, if you have sorrow that is good therefore you should seek the forgives of Allah and try not to count  a sin as small or else you may forget the magnitude of it;'s effect and the treat of it's chastisement. Allah has giving mankind the ability to design air plans and space crafts you can surly use that ability to over come a attachment to a worldly lust and bridle your own lust and passion for only what is lawful, striving to be a human is not being an animal. human are those who submitter to Allah and turn away from their own low desires and use the intellect and the animals are those who disregard intellects, and their low desires rule them, and they have submitted to them instead of the lord of all that is, was and is to be. Allah hafiz

[TarekH]

Salaam Brother,

Abstain from being alone. Try to always keep occupied in sports or out with friends or even better get invloved with a local mosque and volunteer there on a regular basis.

May Allah get you away from this habit.

Fe Aman Allah

[LostAtSea]

Saviour, on 10 December 2011 - 06:28 AM, said:

Bro, your not alone, the things with these kind of problems are that we think we are alone and that we are the worst of men for no one else on the planet does these acts. but the truth is that we are not alone. Allah (SWT) has an infinite amount of mercy. Why else Is he called the Merciful so often in the Quran.

To quit firstly you need to really think what's happening in your life and you need to realise the source of all these problems and fix it. If the problem is porn then you need to look back and reflect on the damage it may have cause to your life and from looking at that the aim is not to feel bad and become a hermit who is rapped and depressed. but the aim is to look back realise your mistakes and the wasted years and then make a vow to Allah (SWT) to change because surely he is the one who brought you into this world and surely he is who we return too.

Another way to stop these habits is to never let yourself become bored as when you are bored that is when you think of these acts and slowly become tempted to take part in them believe me this is actually true and it has effected me as well as many, so remember you are not alone. In addition being alone is what causes these problems, because if we think about it who would dare view one of these videos in front of his parents, family or friends. So therefore by hanging around such people the temptation wont arise. So i suggest to you brother to start to re-gain contact with those who you have become distant from. It may be hard at first but surely anything which is easy is not worth achieving. To conclude this point, remember this:

Say: O My servants who have transgressed against their own souls, despair not of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. (Surah az-Zumar 39:53)

So remember Allah (SWT) is the All Merciful, it is one of his Beautiful attributes and it does matter how many sins you have committed.

Secondly, after reflecting and realising what has caused these things or even before, set vows not only to Allah (SWT) but to yourself and Ask Allah (SWT) for forgiveness and do not despair because surely Allah (SWT) is the Most forgiving of the forgivers and the most Just of the just.

Brother , please take this advice on board and please feel free to contact me, it is not a bother The most important thing is to want to change.

Finally remember. 'If you sort out your problems with Allah سبحانه وتعالى, he will solve your problems with everyone else.'

Hello,

I'm sorry I did not respond sooner. I lost my username and password and could not log in for some time. I would like to chat with you and ask you questions about my severe troubles if you don't mind. Please let me know you accept and how I can contact you.

Thanks again for answering my post; it means a lot.

[alisayyed]

this will help , i a sure :

http://makaremshiraz...i=4&itg=10&s=ca

[Saviour]

LostAtSea, on 09 January 2012 - 07:00 PM, said:

Hello,

I'm sorry I did not respond sooner. I lost my username and password and could not log in for some time. I would like to chat with you and ask you questions about my severe troubles if you don't mind. Please let me know you accept and how I can contact you.

Thanks again for answering my post; it means a lot.

No, I am sorry my dear Brother/sister, I just sort of had a break from Shia chat, I'm really sorry, but if there is anything else, you can contact me at SaviourAli@hotmail.co.uk, It really is no bother at All

Again I'm really apologize for the late reply, I only saw this now.

May Allah (SWT) guide our hearts to reason. Insh'Allah.

Edited by Saviour, 21 January 2012 - 05:33 AM.

[~RuQaYaH~]

''Your sickness is within you, though you do not realize

And your cure is within, yet you do not see

You claim that you are nothing but a tiny entity

Yet wrapped up inside of you is the greatest universe

You are the clear book, through whose letters

All that is secret is revealed and made known.

So you have no need for anything outside of you

Your consciousness is within you, though you do not know''

- Imam Ali on the amazing nature and potential of human beings. ALL human beings.

wasalaam

[Ali H Syed]

If possible go do ziyarat in syria and visit bibi zainab as, emotionally it will probably be one of the hardest things to do, standing infront of them knowing what you have done but believe me it will help.

[Rocke]

Don't be Sad, Allah is with us.

[Hasan0404]

LostAtSea, on 16 November 2011 - 11:58 PM, said:

I'm writing to receive advice and some type of guidance within my life. All responses are welcome, rude, judgmental or encouraging, write as you like...penmanship is yours. I don’t care about life anymore and feel hopeless. In my life, I have formulated an addiction or an egregious problem (viewing of adult videos, haram sexual acts for years) that I have used to "escape" from my other life problems or issues. It became worse to wear I would show myself to others online and have sex chat etc. I formulated this problem as a result of my failure to address issues while I was a teenager. When younger, I was teased and made fun of and really did not have many friends and still dont. I guess I started to believe what I was told and really did not know how to deal with people in school so I used videos to “solve” my problems. The same fears and feelings (feeling inadequate, socially rejected in school, didn’t understand why kids didn’t want to be my friend, etc.) stuck with me when I grew-up. I am always very sad, depressed, and never happy because I feel that the good, sincere, and pure person that I want to be is trapped by some monster or a person, some evil, and twisted person. In other words, the Angel (purity) within me has been taken over by a Demon (evil). With such a dark past, along with this addiction or problem also came deception, lying, betrayal, anger, frustration, confusion, hate, guilt, shame, sorrow, despair and an enormous and tremendous amount of rejection of myself and others. As a result of my actions, many many things became najis (i.e. bathroom,carpet, mattress, clothes, seat in the car, bed etc.) I have tried to clean those najis areas and sometimes I didn't because at the time I felt like a piece of trash, and I felt that I was worthless and did not deserve to live; there are other things that became najis that I don't remember exactly since it was so long ago and my memory is bogged down. Because of my addiction and dozens of attempts to try to stop, I do not know what has become tahir and what areas ara najis. This is what haunts me and keeps me in a cycle of depression and hopelessness. The cycle of wanting to “Escape.” Because of the issue concerning najis, I feel that I can never improve my problem…let me explain why. When siblings, as kids are, come out of the shower wet and drips water on the carpet, or when it rains and one gets into the car (with najis seats), then goes into the home and sits on the couch, other things become najis. I feel that I cannot fix and make things tahir so then to “escape” my problem I resort to videos. I try to pray everyday and ask for forgiveness but that goes straight out the window because I always resort back to “escaping” my problems. Many times I feel so angry and mad and sad and frustrated. I feel I want to turn into the HULK and punch a hole through the ground and want to scream as a loud as a tiger can roar. I want to just crush everything with one massive punch. I want to escape and leave; this is the only way that I can describe how it feels when I want to escape. Imagine standing in a small room and the walls are 20 feet high. Suddenly the walls start to close in and the room you are in gets smaller and smaller. Obviously you are going to panic and try to escape but you cannot because the walls are 20 feet tall and there is no way out. Imagine that panic feeling..that feeling of wanting to escape. That is how I feel the Angel within me is..the Demon is pushing the walls closer and closer until the Angel becomes nothing. I want to get married one day but I know that no Muslim girl will ever accept me because of my problem. I mean, I would never do to a girl what is done in those videos, but no girl will ever believe me and see that I am worthy to be with them. Sometimes I wish I can just make everything tahir so I can be at piece because I cannot sleep at night..for example when my sibling is in the bathroom because I feel that she is spreading the najis area unknowingly because she gets water on the floor etc. then walks on the carpet. Everyday seems to be the same. Wake-up, feel like a dark cloud is over me, unmotivated, bogged-down, don’t see how I fit in with society. I feel lonely and don’t really understand why I am here. Many times, when alone, I cry and can only put my face down into the pillow trying to understand what I am doing to my life…how much of a failure I am to my family and to myself. Sometimes I wish to just fall off the face of the Earth and never return because I have lost all hope in my life. Sometimes I wish not to live, but I don’t have the courage to do that. I am always zoned-out. Physically I may be on the bus, train, car, in the mall, at a sports game, talking to family, friends, etc. but I am mentally on another planet. I may hear what people are saying to me, and I respond, yet, my mind is not really with the conversation; I am not fully in the moment and am never fully in the moment. Despite all of the love around me and given to me, I feel that all I have is my heart beat to keep me company. I never learned to be proud of myself, of my accomplishments. Anytime that I may seem happy, its just a fake happiness. As a result of my dysfunctional life...what it has become...I do not love myself or accept myself because of my problems. I feel that if I accept myself, then I will be accepting the haram sins that I committed. All I have known is self-rejection and I push love away from me because I do not love myself. Siblings tell me they love me-as all families do- but I don’t feel it. I hear it, yes, but that’s it. I pray to God, and logically thinking, I know He accepts and forgives one for their sins, but in my mind, I do not understand how God will forgive me since I do not know what is tahir and what is najis due to my problem. I want piece of heart to know that God will accept me and love me and forgive me for my sins, but I do not know if He will. Becauses of this nothing in the world really matters. I don’t care about iphones, slick cars, or anything because Im always worried about making it to Heaven. I’m scared to die, yet, I feel dead. I feel lost in life and uncertain. I have many dreams that I want to accomplish but nothing ever happens because of severe low self esteem and no self confidence. I always feel that girls can see right through me whenever I try to talk to them as little as I do and because of this, I avoid them and never really talk to them. I just wish I had someone to talk to and cry to and just get help to somehow fix my life so I can actually live because I feel alone like I want to disappear or be invisible and not live.

Be strong my bro. Ur problem is not above ur will.The best thing is that u are fighting it. Allah be with u. Have faith and keep struggling. My heartiest prayers wd u. I pray you get a caring, loving momina wife.

[AlAbd AlThaleel]

Speaking from experience of living in a Western, overly-exposed and sexual society, and not being in a postion to get married, here's the advice I can give:

First and foremost, make dua, sincere dua daily (multiple times a day if possible) that Allah (swt) keeps you safe from this sin. Make sure you ask Him to keep your believing brothers safe as well, as I notice when I make dua for others and then myself, they are more likely to be answered, and I believe there are ahadith on this as well.

Secondly, do your best to look away. The moment you see something haram, look away as soon as possible. Try not to register what you just saw as a thought, and completely ignore it. Over time, it will be much easier to look away and ignore these things, but it will be difficult at first.

Thirdly, fast as much as possible. Especially in these holy days of Rajab and Sha'baan where fasting has quite a bit of reward to it, fast as often as you can, at least once or twice a week. (I suggest Mondays and Thursdays, but see what works for you.)

Lastly,do what you can to get married, as these are all temporary solutions. If you cannot get permanently married, perform temporary marraige, there are even websites where you can meet people to do this. If your intentions are pure, and you want to fulfill this desire as a means of staying away from sin, surely Allah (swt) will help you.

Fi aman Allah, and you're in my duas inshaAllah.

Also, always remember, Allah (swt) would not try one with a problem He does not believe the person can handle. So if Allah (swt) believes you can beat this, why don't you?

[Haydar Husayn]

Ali H Syed, on 21 January 2012 - 10:49 AM, said:

If possible go do ziyarat in syria and visit bibi zainab as, emotionally it will probably be one of the hardest things to do, standing infront of them knowing what you have done but believe me it will help.

I don't see what would be so hard about it. Plenty of people have no issue of standing in front of Allah (swt) while in prayer knowing what they have done. If someone feels more shame and remorse standing at the shrine of a human being than in front of Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì, then they have much bigger issues than a haram addiction.

[Kamranistan]

Haydar Husayn, on 15 June 2012 - 11:38 AM, said:

I don't see what would be so hard about it. Plenty of people have no issue of standing in front of Allah (swt) while in prayer knowing what they have done. If someone feels more shame and remorse standing at the shrine of a human being than in front of Allah سبحانه وتعالى, then they have much bigger issues than a haram addiction.

Huh

[Maryammm]

Haydar Husayn, on 15 June 2012 - 11:38 AM, said:

I don't see what would be so hard about it. Plenty of people have no issue of standing in front of Allah (swt) while in prayer knowing what they have done. If someone feels more shame and remorse standing at the shrine of a human being than in front of Allah سبحانه وتعالى, then they have much bigger issues than a haram addiction.

The extra shame in ziyarah of ahlul bayt at their shrines, as well as going for hajj or umrah, rather then everyday salah, would be because you would be standing in a holy place where the glory of Allah(swt) and the proximity to Allah(swt) and greatness that Sayeda Zaynab(as) or any other ma'soom achieved would put you to shame in your meager efferots. Yes we should try and have this khushu' and taqwa in every salah, but humans are forgetful creatures and keeping such awareness of Allah(swt) would be easier at a holy and blessed place, purely created for the worship of AllahÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì, a place where numerous angels dwell, a place where a human being that achieved such love and awareness of Allah(swt) is buried, or where they lived and struggled for AllahÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì. It is not about being more ashamed of our sins infront of the ma'soomeen(as) rather then AllahÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì.

[Haydar Husayn]

Maryammm, on 29 June 2012 - 07:07 AM, said:

The extra shame in ziyarah of ahlul bayt at their shrines, as well as going for hajj or umrah, rather then everyday salah, would be because you would be standing in a holy place where the glory of Allah(swt) and the proximity to Allah(swt) and greatness that Sayeda Zaynab(as) or any other ma'soom achieved would put you to shame in your meager efferots. Yes we should try and have this khushu' and taqwa in every salah, but humans are forgetful creatures and keeping such awareness of Allah(swt) would be easier at a holy and blessed place, purely created for the worship of Allahسبحانه وتعالى, a place where numerous angels dwell, a place where a human being that achieved such love and awareness of Allah(swt) is buried, or where they lived and struggled for Allahسبحانه وتعالى. It is not about being more ashamed of our sins infront of the ma'soomeen(as) rather then Allahسبحانه وتعالى.

Quote

If possible go do ziyarat in syria and visit bibi zainab as, emotionally it will probably be one of the hardest things to do, standing infront of them knowing what you have done but believe me it will help.

Why can't people ever just say what they mean? Anyway, from what you have said, it would make more sense to go on Hajj or Umrah.