384 replies to this topic

[heba1010]

As Salaam Alaikum to all that read this post. I 'm the first wife and my husband has choses a co wife. I m having some problems with this. He has not married her yet, but they are spending the night together in a hotel alone. This is very hurtful to me because I ask him to wait until they are married before I have to start to share our time. Keep in mind I only found out about her a week ago by drving by a hotel and seen his car their. I was so hurt I havent been able to eat or sleep since this took place. some one plese help me understand. she has been spending time with my husband on some level since May 2011 and i just found out about her 8/23/11. in the above way. I dont think im being vauled and since Ive only been in the deen 3 years i have no clue if this is right please help someone with Quran or sunah referances to give be help

heba1010, on 26 August 2011 - 04:21 AM, said:

As Salaam Alaikum to all that read this post. I 'm the first wife and my husband has choses a co wife. I m having some problems with this. He has not married her yet, but they are spending the night together in a hotel alone. This is very hurtful to me because I ask him to wait until they are married before I have to start to share our time. Keep in mind I only found out about her a week ago by drving by a hotel and seen his car their. I was so hurt I havent been able to eat or sleep since this took place. some one plese help me understand. she has been spending time with my husband on some level since May 2011 and i just found out about her 8/23/11. in the above way. I dont think im being vauled and since Ive only been in the deen 3 years i have no clue if this is right please help someone with Quran or sunah referances to give be help

[Awaiting_for_the12th]

if they are not permenently or temperary marriage, then he is committing adultery which has the punishment of stoning to death.

[Gepetto_Zapata]

You should talk to him about it more sis, not us... He should be more open with you about it... It's normal if he wants to take another wife as long as he'll keep taking care of you the way he's supposed to, and in the way that makes you happy as if nothing had changed, you should always be getting attention from him... If it goes too far and he gets worse and worse just cut it short and ask for a divorce...

[heba1010]

Awaiting_for_the12th, on 26 August 2011 - 05:01 AM, said:

if they are not permenently or temperary marriage, then he is committing adultery which has the punishment of stoning to death.

Thank you for your insight

Violently_Happy, on 26 August 2011 - 05:07 AM, said:

You should talk to him about it more sis, not us... He should be more open with you about it... It's normal if he wants to take another wife as long as he'll keep taking care of you the way he's supposed to, and in the way that makes you happy as if nothing had changed, you should always be getting attention from him... If it goes too far and he gets worse and worse just cut it short and ask for a divorce...

I understand I guess my feeling are so raw that I dont want to say the wrong thing and make matter worst. I am not upsent about him taking a co wife its how I found out and if the act of ZIna has  accured . that bring harm to our union and makes it hard for this to work as is should

[ImAli]

I will probably get flamed by a million pro polygamy men on here for telling you this....BUT RUN SISTER, and run fast. It will become an addiction of his and he probably won't stop at her by the way he is already behaving.

[BabyBeaverIsAKit]

He didn't tell you about it? That's a little fishy, don't you think?

[ImAli]

Awaiting_for_the12th, on 26 August 2011 - 05:01 AM, said:

if they are not permenently or temperary marriage, then he is committing adultery which has the punishment of stoning to death.

That is the best thing you have said on here ever.

[Haydar Husayn]

If he is committing adultery, then it is a grave sin, which if proven would be punishable by stoning as stated above. However, are you sure he hasn't performed a temporary marriage?

It's understandable that you are upset by all this, as you haven't been raised to believe that such behaviour is acceptable (and modern culture, Muslim or otherwise, definitely doesn't condone it), but provided your husband has some kind of marriage contract with the other woman (permanent or temporary), you have to understand that he isn't doing anything wrong. I would advise reading up on the lives of the Prophet and the Imams to understand that polygamy is workable, and to pray to Allah (swt) for guidance. I would certainly not recommend divorcing someone over this (again, provided it's not adultery), although you should at all times insist on you Islamic rights as a wife. If these aren't been given to you, then divorce is a serious option.

As for the proof about whether such behaviour is acceptable, I would point out that the Prophet had a temporary marriage in secret from his other wives. One of them eventually found out and told another wife as well, causing big problems, but it shows that there is nothing inherently wrong with doing this, as difficult as it might be to accept for women living in the 21st century (or even back then in some cases).

22 – And he said: And al-Fadl ash-Shaybani narrated by his isnad to al-Baqir عليه السلام that `Abdullah b. `Ata al-Makki asked him about the saying of Allah تعالى “And when the Prophet disclosed” (to the end of) the verse (66:3).  So he said: Verily the Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وآله married a freewoman in mut`a, and one of his wives found out about it and accused him of lewdness.  So he said: It is allowed for me, it is a marriage with a term so keep it secret.  So she informed one of his wives about it.
http://www.tashayyu....fulness-of-muta

[heba1010]

ImAli, on 26 August 2011 - 06:57 AM, said:

I will probably get flamed by a million pro polygamy men on here for telling you this....BUT RUN SISTER, and run fast. It will become an addiction of his and he probably won't stop at her by the way he is already behaving.

Thanks like I said before its not abou the co-wife I have the issuse it the conduct and the matter in which he is conducting himself around her. And he has not married her I did find that much out.

[Waiting for HIM]

If he is staying with her with out any kind of nikah (temp or perm), he is doing a grave sin. The punishment for those who di zina and are married is even tougher than those who are unmarried and do zina, which is already pretty tough.

If he has done nikah, and you had allowed him to do so, and then he did it before the time you both had agreed, then he is not doing anything wrong from sharia point of view. But still you should have trust issues and should talk to him as to why he did not go by his promise or the agreement you both had.

Lastly, please do not listen to the feminist sisters on this forum. This is a matter of a family, and if he is so far a good husband who loves you and takes care of you and kids and his duties, do not rush for divorce.

[ImAli]

LOL by feminist sisters Waiting for HIM means ImAli, BabyBeaversKit, and OneNoteSong hahahaha. Listen it is not about feminism or anything like that, I am the furthest from a feminist but it is about respect and he is not respecting you. If what you say that he really hasn't married her yet why would he choose such a bad woman to be a co wife (she is bad she is spending the night in a hotel with him). I wouldn't want a polygamous marriage and you are stronger than me for agreeing to stay in one....but don't you think he should at least find one more respectable who will not spend the night in hotels with men?

[Waiting for HIM]

Agree with sister imAli on the 2nd part that your husband should chose someone as good as you are or someone better in eiman than you.This matches a ruling of our scholars who wouldn't alow even muta with ahlulkitab if your nikah spouse is already a muslima.

Now I won't know under what circumstances she was meeting your husband in a hotel. You will need to find out for yourself. It coild be something smaller thsn what you could be suspecting.

[Abu_zar]

The relationship between husband and wife is most personal and complicated one. It is hard to issue general, sweeping statements about it.

[Awaiting_for_the12th]

ImAli, on 26 August 2011 - 07:01 AM, said:

That is the best thing you have said on here ever.

you only know my opinion on certain issues we disagree on, so dont say something which you dont know of. I might have said something useful, that could have saved a life which is 100 times better then any marriage thread you start every other day.

[ImAli]

Awaiting_for_the12th, on 26 August 2011 - 09:04 PM, said:

you only know my opinion on certain issues we disagree on, so dont say something which you dont know of. I might have said something useful, that could have saved a life which is 100 times better then any marriage thread you start every other day.

And we disagree on just about everything and I doubt you have saved a life by using a forum.

[Awaiting_for_the12th]

ImAli, on 26 August 2011 - 09:25 PM, said:

And we disagree on just about everything and I doubt you have saved a life by using a forum.

k

[BlackVeil]

I don't think it falls within the crime of adultery, unless the other woman is in fact married to someone else. Otherwise it is just fornication. Since it is so easy to enter into a temporary contract, I wonder why they did not do so. Sounds very sleazy.

Most unfortunately, dear sister, I do not find your husband's ways very good. You are inclined to keep silence rather than saying anything that would make things worse, that is understandable.

Maybe just leave him to work out this strange behaviour. But be aware of your rights and insist upon them. Look at your situation in marriage without sentimentality. It is a question of rights. He has the right to take another wife, but you have the right to be maintained in a genuine marriage. As soon as your rights are not met, ask for a divorce.

[Awaiting_for_the12th]

sister, dont take anyones opinion here. This is a serious matter. Read a lot on the rules of marriage, speak to your husband, and definitely talk to a sheikh regarding your options in case if it is adultery. Dont take wrong advice here, brothers will talk from the fiqh angle on how its allowed for a guy to have more then one wife, sisters (as you probably have seen) will tell you to leave the guy. If you have children then definitely the first aim should be to save the marriage. I am sorry to hear it and its a hard time for you no doubt.

BlackVeil, on 26 August 2011 - 09:47 PM, said:

I don't think it falls within the crime of adultery, unless the other woman is in fact married to someone else. Otherwise it is just fornication. Since it is so easy to enter into a temporary contract, I wonder why they did not do so. Sounds very sleazy.

husband is married

[DeeeeeBo]

Im going to get slaughtered here, but i have to say sis well, even tho there is halal and haram, if i did that to my mrs, she would prob shoot me between the eyes !

Plus i personally dont think its right, it might be halal under certain circumstances, but i dont agree with it. I wouldnt like my mrs to be alone in a hotel room with another man, and neither would 99% of the guys in here, so please all of you get off your high horses, and dont talk to me about halal haram !

For all the pro mut3a and pro multiple marriages, im asking you ALL for permission to do mut3a with your sisters, and take them as MY 2nd or 3rd or 4th wife !!! then after i have them, i will take the rest for mut3a purposes !

Lets see how you all like that ? not barking so confidently now are we ?

gee no wonder why SUnnis are laughing at us, something that Allah Blessed us with, so we can cope in certain circumstances has been BLOWN out of proportion to fulfill mans sexual desires !

so please guys show a little respect, im going to post this on every where i see a mut3a or multiple marriage post, because even though its halal im sick of guys defending it, who have never even kissed a girl, let alone held hands with one ! when you do one day, and you do fall in love, and have a family, then come back here and share with everyone how complex and hard it is to pull off...

THink about her for a second instead of testosterone !

Salams

if you delete this post, then this site is a scam, because i have no broken the rules , im only portraying a blunt reality !

[Haydar Husayn]

DeeeeeBo, on 27 August 2011 - 07:12 AM, said:

For all the pro mut3a and pro multiple marriages, im asking you ALL for permission to do mut3a with your sisters, and take them as MY 2nd or 3rd or 4th wife !!! then after i have them, i will take the rest for mut3a purposes !

Lets see how you all like that ? not barking so confidently now are we ?

You have permission to seek to do muta with whoever you want. Whether they would want to do it with you is another matter. People seem to be forgetting that 'pro-muta and pro-polygamy' people are not pro-forced marriages. Nobody is forced to do muta or to become a second wife, so I really don't see what all the fuss is about.

Quote

gee no wonder why SUnnis are laughing at us, something that Allah Blessed us with, so we can cope in certain circumstances has been BLOWN out of proportion to fulfill mans sexual desires !

Certain circumstances? And what do you imagine those to be? No doubt some nonsense involving long-distance travel or war.

3 – And by his isnad from Salih b. `Uqba from his father from Abu Ja`far عليه السلام.  He said: I said: Is there reward for the one who does mut`a?  He said: If he had intended by that the countenance of Allah تعالى and opposition against the one who denied it, he does not speak a word but that Allah has written ten good deeds for him by it, and he does not extend his hand to it but that Allah has written ten good deeds for him.  So when he has approached it, Allah has forgiven him a sin by that, and when he has done ghusl, Allah has forgiven him by the measure of what has passed of water upon his hair.  I said: By the number of hairs?  He said: By the number of hairs.

4 – And Abu Ja`far عليه السلام said: Verily when the Prophet صلى الله عليه وآله did the night journey to Heaven, he said: Jibra’il عليه السلام reached me and said:  O Muhammad صلى الله عليه وآله, verily Allah تبارك وتعالى says: Verily I have forgiven the doers of mut`a of the women from your Umma.

5 – He said: And it is narrated that the believer is not perfected (or, completed) until he does mut`a.

6 – And in al-Khisal from his father from Sa`d from Hammad b. Ya`la b. Hammad from his father from Hammad b. `Isa from Hariz b. `Abdillah from Zurara b. A`yan from Abu Ja`far عليه السلام.  He said: The amusement (lahw) of the believer is in three things: Mut`a with women and joking with brethren and salat at night.

7 – Muhammad b. al-Hasan in al-Misbah from Ibn Abi `Umayr from Hisham from Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام. He said: Verily I love that the man should not leave the world until he does mut`a even if once, and that he prays the jum`a in jama`a.


8 – And there has preceded in (the book of) hajj the hadith of Zurara from Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام (wherein) he said: Mut`a, by Allah, is the best, and the Book was sent down with it and the Sunna brought it about.

10 – Muhammad b. Muhammad b. an-Nu`man in Risalat al-Mut`a from Ja`far b. Muhammad b. Qulawayh from Sa`d b. `Abdullah from Ahmad b. Muhammad b. `Isa from Hisham b. Salim from Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام. He said: It is recommended for the man to marry in mut`a, and I do not love that the man from you should leave the world until he marries in mut`a even once.

11 – And by the isnad from Ibn `Isa from Ibn al-Hajjaj from al-`Ala from Muhammad b. Muslim from Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام. He said: He said to me: Have you done mut`a?  I said: No.  He said: Do not leave the world until you have revived the Sunna.


12 – And by the isnad from Ahmad b. Muhammad b. Khalid from Sa`d b. Sa`d from Isma`il al-Ju`fi.  He said: Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام said: O Isma`l, have you done mut`a this year?  I said: Yes.  He said: I do not mean the mut`a of hajj.  I said: So what then?  He said: The mut`a of women.  I said: With a Berber slave girl.   He said: It had been said, O Isma`il, do mut`a with what you find, even a Sindhi woman.

13 – And by the isnad from Ahmad b. Muhammad from Ibn Ashyam from Marwan b. Muslim from Isma`il b. al-Fadl al-Hashimi.  He said: Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام said to me: Have you done mut`a since you have gone out from your family?  I said: Due to the abundance of what is with me of wives, Allah has made me needless of it.  He said: And even if you are needless, for verily I love that you should revive the Sunna of the Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وآله.

14 – And by the isnad from Ahmad b. Muhammad b. `Isa from `Ali b. Abi Hamza al-Bata’ini from Abu Basir.  He said: I entered in upon Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام, and he said to me: O Abu Muhammad, have you done mut`a since you have gone out from your family?  I said: No.  He said: And why?  I said: What is with me of expenditure is short of that.  He said: So he commanded me (to be given) a dinar.  He said: I adjure you if you end up in your house until you do it.

15 – And from Ibn `Isa from Muhammad b. `Ali al-Hamdani from a man whom he named from Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام.  He said: There is not a man who does mut`a then does ghusl but that Allah creates for every drop (of water) that drops from him seventy angels seeking forgiveness for him until the day of the resurrection and cursing the avoider of it (i.e. of mut`a) until the Hour rises.

http://www.tashayyu....ability-of-muta

If people one this site are said to be 'pro-muta' based on some pretty mild comments, I can only imagine what you think of the words of the Imams .

As for what the Sunnis think, who cares? They have basically had to reinvent an inferior version of muta in the form of misyar marriage in order to make up for having done away with it. If they want to laugh at the religion of the Prophet , then that is their problem.

[Elvis_King]

Can a married wife engange in muta if she is not satisfied?
I have heard that its possible., its only haram to marry marry a second man while she is stil with first husband.

Edited by Elvis_King, 28 August 2011 - 11:17 AM.

[Haydar Husayn]

Elvis_King, on 28 August 2011 - 11:15 AM, said:

Can a married wife engange in muta if she is not satisfied?
I have heard that its possible., its only haram to marry marry a second man while she is stil with first husband.

A married woman cannot marry another man, whether permanently or temporarily. If she is not satisfied with her first husband, then she should ask for a divorce and then marry someone else.

[Elvis_King]

Why isnt a women allowed to marry moore than 1?
any reason?

[titumir]

Elvis_King, on 28 August 2011 - 11:27 AM, said:

Why isnt a women allowed to marry moore than 1?
any reason?

Ask Allah (SWT) why he didn't allow it.

[Waiting for HIM]

Elvis_King, on 28 August 2011 - 11:15 AM, said:

Can a married wife engange in muta if she is not satisfied?
I have heard that its possible., its only haram to marry marry a second man while she is stil with first husband.

Are you serious. Muta is just like nikah except that nikah is for unlimited duration, muta is for a specific time.

You seem either confused, ignorant, or are here to make a fool out of yourself thinking you can redicule an islamic ruling with your silly comments. Please research more on the topic if you are sincere on www.al-islam.org under marriage section.