i think all new member (especially the teen girls) will need to read this one.
There is a growing negative trend amongst youth in the muslim community. This problem has to be dealt with through vigilance and broad awareness of a serious social issue. Teenagers in particular, especially females, are falling into errors that causes dire implications for the rest of their lives.
Teenage years are usually faced with the following realities:
1 - Hormonal peak.
2 - Naivety about life (although they THINK they know it all)
3 - Rebelliousness against parents/society, thus the pursuit of a comrade/companion who "understands" them.
4 - Desire to be "cool" and show it off to others and to "fit in".
5 - (Particularly applies in the west and a increasing in traditional communities) i.e. "these things are normal, so must mean there's nothing wrong with it"
How does one fall into error?
Humans naturally yearn for companionship. Allah (swt) created us as social beings having fondness for communal interaction. This fundamental aspect of human creation, leads a person (who's reached puberty) to hope for that companion to come, who will share their lives together, etc, etc, etc. If an individual walks into another person's life, and they seem to have the character of the companion one is hoping for, thus starts the first stage, a critical stage, where a person may be exposed to their desires. There is nothing wrong with having such feelings, as previously mentioned, it's humanly natural and without it, who would want to have a family and continue humanity? However, where the problem arises, is how these feelings are approached and dealt with. One falls victim to natural human instinct. It's an instinct in all, but it must be controlled in a way such that it's advantageous for the person. Imam Ali explains "One who rushes madly after inordinate desire, runs the risk of encountering destruction and death." This is where one must be cautious, alert and vigilant - being most aware of how to deal with these desires in a proper manner.
Allowing a relationship to start
The relationship starts when there's communication between the couple. This communication is the next critical step. We know the famous hadith of Rasool about two individuals of opposite genders being alone, i.e. "shaytan is the third". This can be simply through a discussion over the phone or even in a chat room.
What occurs at this stage?
1 - natural human instinct kicks in. Thoughts of, e.g. living together with the other person and all those "dreams", etc.
2 - a growing fondness, for exposure makes the heart grow fonder.
3 - as time progresses, more conversations are heald, the couple are more comfortable with each other, new and personal things start to be discussed - the attachment has been built.
Attachment is a most concerning stage. Some people would call it "love" depending on the debate about what "true love" is.
Why is attachment concerning?
Firstly, if a person is attached, they are just that, attached, and find it very difficult to get out of the "trap" and walk away.
Secondly, the mind starts to justify the relationship. The mind is clouded by "love" and realistic judgements aren't made. E.g. "it doesn't matter if this person's like that, i "love them." The mind starts to think short-term instead of long-term. Due to this problem, Imam Sadiq says "Love the one you marry, don't marry the one you love." That is, be rational in your thinking BEFORE any relationship, not try to justify the wrongs after an attachment has occurred.
Thirdly, unrealistic dreams have built up in their minds. E.g. "we're going to live happily ever after", "nothing can go wrong now", "insha'Allah we'll let our parents know soon", "everything will be fine", "i really care for them", "we're nearly married anyway", "we love each other like romeo and juliette" etc. Reality proves, and statistically speaking, 95% of high school couples don't end up getting married and new partners are usually found.
Fourthly, due to the above point, the errors occur, e.g. a haram physical relationship.
Religious justification of the relationship
Some muslims feel guilty about what they're doing, and they try to find ways around it, so that in their mind, they can justify their acts as being halal, whereas in reality, it's not. As sis Hajar mentioned HERE, some sisters
QUOTE
had secret mutahs or have done zina. Usually it's a secret mutah, that not even the girls family know about. The mutahs are usually not valid, since the girls are very young and under the care of their fathers and usually in the taqlid of a Mujtahid that requires the father's permission. Later the girls inevitably regret what has happened.
This, again, is a shortfall of attachment and having fallen to one's desires. Their minds are clouded and not thinking straight, reasonably, rationally or logically. By then it's too late, damage has been done, and if regret is felt, the process of tawbah, etc has begun. For females, the damage is much worse. As sis Hajar also mentioned
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the reality of society is less burden falls on the male if he falls into error than on the female.
The reality of the akhira is the punishment is the same for both parties, and under Islamic law, punishment for any wrong doing should be the same (surah nour 1-10), but how many people really truly worry about the akhira as much as they should be doing?
Critique of the couple.
Females, generally speaking, long for true relationships, a family home, etc. So when getting into the attachment, that's what's on their minds. Males on the other hand, their minds are usually along the lines of, "I can't wait for the wedding night". This is a reality that must be understood. As youth, the guy would make false or flawed promises (whether out of naivety and ignorance or otherwise) and the girl would believe it (also out of naivety and ignorance). Both need a reality check. This belief however forms a cornerstone to committing the error, i.e. by thinking "everything will be O.K.", however no one knows what the future holds. Again, most of the onus of the consequences will fall on the female, they particularly have to be most careful, SISTERS BEWARE, DON'T FALL INTO THE TRAP !!!
What needs to be done, which approach should be taken?
If the "couple" really did care for each other, the approach of the relationship would be fully in accordance to Islamic Law and would proceed in an Islamic manner. Those who really care, care for the akhira.
The first and foremost point that needs to be made, is the importance of PARENTS from the very BEGINNING. This is highlighted by the necessity for sisters to get the father's permission for marriage, so the above situations don't occur. Parents have had the expertise and experience. Their minds aren't clouded by "attachment". Their roll is invaluable. If the couple were serious about a true relationship, each would consult their parents early on.
Recognition of what's occurring. Know if attachment is happening, know about how desires kick in etc. "The intellect is better than desire, for the intellect makes you a king over your destiny, and desire makes you a slave of your destiny." – Imam Ali .
Don't be fooled by "religiousness". Actions speak louder than words. Just because a person may portray themselves as religious and have religious knowledge, their actions and deeds conflict with what they preach. Acting on religious knowledge is all important. The Prophet explains that part of true knowledge "is to practice according to what you have learnt." There are sayyids and shekhs out there that are corrupt, and have memorized the qur'an. Imam Khomaini say "There are some sayyids not worth the black turban they have on their head."
The best protection is prevention. Prevent it from happening in the first place, and if you feel the situation is slipping and their could be attachment, walk away. Islam and our uluma' offer the best advice, that's why mixing of genders in private is ill-advised.
Be patient, formal, serious, mature and think logically with reason and rationale about this issue.
As a side note, on the issue of divorce. These days (particularly in the west), divorce is all too common. In fact, as high as two-thirds of couples get divorced within the first two years of marriage. This has prompted many westerners to live in a de-facto relationship, saying "why do I have to get married, since it's easy to get a divorce anyway". They don't see the significance of divorce or the sanctity of a proper marriage. Oprah even had a show on how to make divorce easier and stay friends with your ex. Figure that one out.
Hold true to the love of the Ma'soomeen . Only then would you really care about living true Islam.
If anyone needs further explanations of any of the points mentioned above, please let sis Hajar or I know.
wassalam
i just found it in this link, just in case you want to recheck
http://www.shiachat....showtopic=53069