30 replies to this topic

[ShIaGiRl19]

Salam wa alakion,

To all the brothers I have a question i wanna ask coz seriously i cant understand men...so maybe u can help me

I am engaged to a guy who is 21 and everytime me or my parents invite him over for a coffee/tea he never comes. Sometimes my mum calls him and he says he will come yet he never shows.

Like 2day mum was having a bbq....mum told him like 2 weeks ago to keep the day free and we reminded him and he promised to come..yet yesterday he rang me and told me that he had to work and couldnt come...i was so upset and to ashamed to tell my parents....although they were disappointed they didnt mind...

I dont understand it ...does he hate my parents?..is that wat its like for all guys when getting to know  the inlaws...there are no family problems and my parents love him like a son..but i dont know why he keeps disrespecting me and them like that..wat should i do?

[faithmuslima]

Salam Alaykum.

Sis, try asking him.  Be straightforward, especially since you're supposed to spend the rest of your life w/this guy.

[SyedIrfanMuslimZaidi]

Dear Sis,
            He is collecting all of the beautiful moments and things which he would like to share after marriage with you. Don't ever think that he is not interested in you or in your family. He loves you very much and he is doing what a real Shia MUSLIM do. Please believe me he still loves you very much , he is just waiting for a marriage after then you will be ensure that i was right .
           God bless you all and live a happy life under the shadow of PANJETAN PAK(A.S).
            ELAHI- AMEEN

[sayed_ali]

ShIaGiRl19, on Dec 25 2003, 02:06 AM, said:

Salam wa alakion,

To all the brothers I have a question i wanna ask coz seriously i cant understand men...so maybe u can help me

I am engaged to a guy who is 21 and everytime me or my parents invite him over for a coffee/tea he never comes. Sometimes my mum calls him and he says he will come yet he never shows.

Like 2day mum was having a bbq....mum told him like 2 weeks ago to keep the day free and we reminded him and he promised to come..yet yesterday he rang me and told me that he had to work and couldnt come...i was so upset and to ashamed to tell my parents....although they were disappointed they didnt mind...

I dont understand it ...does he hate my parents?..is that wat its like for all guys when getting to know  the inlaws...there are no family problems and my parents love him like a son..but i dont know why he keeps disrespecting me and them like that..wat should i do?

i would be too nervouse and shy to go myself to be honest! but yeh, you should confront him!

[hinna]

sis u need 2 seriously question him why he is avoiding ur parents and sort the matter out b4 u get married if u dont and he carries on u will b unhappy 4 the rest of ur life.  I hope things work out well 4 u.

[hinna]

ooooops sorry i just realized this question was 4 the brothers and im in their forum

[Abdul Hussain]

Quote

Sis, try asking him. Be straightforward, especially since you're supposed to spend the rest of your life w/this guy.

That would be the best thing to do. I mean if you have a problem with your partner, it's usually best to talk to him/her first.

[sana_abbas]

faithmuslima, on Dec 25 2003, 03:27 AM, said:

Salam Alaykum.

Sis, try asking him.  Be straightforward, especially since you're supposed to spend the rest of your life w/this guy.

ders ur answer lol

[Heaven]

sayed_ali, on Dec 25 2003, 06:55 AM, said:

i would be too nervouse and shy to go myself to be honest! but yeh, you should confront him!

Salam Alaikoum...

Why would you be? If the family is treating you just like their son, aren't you supposed to feel comfortable around them? And besides, if the guy had the guts to ask for their daughter's hand...why would he still be shy/nervous?

Sis ShIaGiRl19, do ask your hubby about this matter since you don't want to end up being in your parents position later on either. If he's not respecting your parents invitations or "appointments"...chances are that he might be post poning things with you as well. Inshallah kheir, and i hope that all goes well

wa/salam

[Gypsy]

It is very important to keep your promises and to treat you in laws with respect.

Oh..come on.. how long can you afford to be nervous and shy?

Tell your fiancee to go and appologize to your parents

What he did.. doesnt help anyone. It gives people negative view about you. First he break his promises. Second it gives the impression that your fiancee doesnt care about your family(which might not be true..but that's how it look from here).

Talk to him.

[Hajar]

Salaam alaikum,

Sister, this doesn't sound right at all.  This is disrespectful to your parents.   You definately need to find out why he is doing this.  And you need to know, before you get married.  I would be wondering what he was going to do after marriage, if he is acting like this now.

WaSalaam, Hajar

[Ridah_Zainab]

Salam

Sis, you said he's 21. Without getting into a heavy debate about maturity, do you find him mature? He is young and thus I can understand he is shy, but he cannot avoid your parents forever, Im sure you are just as young. What about you, YOU'LL have to deal with his parents all the time, esp if you are going to live with them. So if you have to get over being shy then so does he! How would he feel if you did this to him???

I am sure he wouldnt like it and would make a point to let you knw! Your parents are sweet, and the girls side always turns a blind eye for the sake of no hassle for their daughter!

Only you can sort this out! be brave and go for it! and let us knw wot he has to say for himself - lol!

God bless you!

Ridah

[Ridah_Zainab]

ps - HOW could he want to cancel a BBQ invite! YUMMMMMMYYY! my favourite...  hehe

[rahat]

I heard its haram to miss a BBQ .... (jk )
-
rahat

[Dhulfiqar]

Hajar, on Dec 28 2003, 05:12 AM, said:

Salaam alaikum,

Sister, this doesn't sound right at all.  This is disrespectful to your parents.   You definately need to find out why he is doing this.  And you need to know, before you get married.  I would be wondering what he was going to do after marriage, if he is acting like this now.

WaSalaam, Hajar

It's a cultural thing. I'll explain:

Actually I can't explain cause it's such a stupid concept.

Basically, you hide the groom and bride from the rest of the world until the wedding day. Why? I don't know. It suppose to be "the first time" everyone has seen the two (or the first time they have seen each other). What they look like is a surprise! It takes the awe away from the wedding if the groom / bride are seen before hand. Sadly, sometimes the bride is virtually "locked" in her room wearing the same dingy yellow clothes for days until the marriage.

In some wedding they have the bride and groom look at each other through a mirror and this is suppose to be the FIRST time they see each other. It's a hindu ritual of course connected to pre-arranged marriages.

Maybe his parents are traditional and ask him not to go.

Wa Salaam,
Dhulfiqar

[Hajar]

Salaam alaikum,

That explanation doesn't work when the couple are seeing each other.  From what she has said she is not only seeing him, but going places with him too.  In the other thread she said she went to his friend's house with him.  It's only when her parents invite him over, that he doesn't show up.

WaSalaam, Hajar

[Dhulfiqar]

I'm trying to give the brother the benefit of the doubt here

Hmm... let's see what else... maybe he suffers from soceraphobia. And needs medical attention right away!

What do you think, Sis. Hajar?

Wa Salaam,
Dhulfiqar

[Hajar]

Dhulfiqar, on Jan 7 2004, 03:39 PM, said:

I'm trying to give the brother the benefit of the doubt here

Hmm... let's see what else... maybe he suffers from soceraphobia. And needs medical attention right away!

What do you think, Sis. Hajar?

Wa Salaam,
Dhulfiqar

Salaam alaikum,

This would be something that would sound a warning bell to me. I think I would insist that he tell me why he's doing this.  In my opinion too many women see warning signs, but ignore them cause they want to get married.  They make up excuses for aberrant behavior.  Later, after marriage, they have problems.  We should be more careful.  Marriage is serious, divorce is even more serious.  A lot of divorces (not to mention abuse) could be avoided if women listened to the warning signs.  

WaSalaam, Hajar

[Dhulfiqar]

I agree. The excuse about him being 21 and immature doesn't cut it. We'll have to know a bit more about this story. To make a clear judgement. Questions like:

Is this a "love marriage" (I get a kick out of that phrase ?
Did the parents of girl have someone else in mind?
  If so, was there beef between the girls parents and the guy/parents?
Did the parents of the boy have someone else in mind?
  If so, was there beef between the guys paents and the girl/parents?
Are the two related in anyway?
  If so, Is there an ongoing family feud?
Does the guy have a complex problem?
How do the two interact?
  Is it halal interaction?
Does the girl go when the guys parents invite her?

and so forth. I don't think we know enough to make a judgement on the brother without knowing all the facts.

Wa Salaam,
Dhulfiqar

Edited by Dhulfiqar, 08 January 2004 - 10:56 AM.

[~Umm Ali~]

dont marry him...[edited out]

[Moderator's Note: Offensive Language]

Edited by Heaven, 08 January 2004 - 05:53 PM.

[Hajar]

Dhulfiqar, on Jan 8 2004, 01:55 PM, said:

I agree. The excuse about him being 21 and immature doesn't cut it. We'll have to know a bit more about this story. To make a clear judgement. Questions like:

Is this a "love marriage" (I get a kick out of that phrase ?
Did the parents of girl have someone else in mind?
  If so, was there beef between the girls parents and the guy/parents?
Did the parents of the boy have someone else in mind?
  If so, was there beef between the guys paents and the girl/parents?
Are the two related in anyway?
  If so, Is there an ongoing family feud?
Does the guy have a complex problem?
How do the two interact?
  Is it halal interaction?
Does the girl go when the guys parents invite her?

and so forth. I don't think we know enough to make a judgement on the brother without knowing all the facts.

Wa Salaam,
Dhulfiqar

Salaam alaikum,


Yes, you are right, we don't have enough information to decide what the problem is.

Good questions.  Le me add one more.

* Does the guy dissaprove of the way the girl's family practices Islam or of their cultural practices?

WaSalaam, Hajar

[Peer]

Dhulfiqar, on Jan 7 2004, 04:53 PM, said:

Sadly, sometimes the bride is virtually "locked" in her room wearing the same dingy yellow clothes for days until the marriage.

I just found it out like a couple of weeks ago!!

[Gypsy]

I think the best approach would be for him to explain if this is the "excuse"/reason why he is not seeing his fiancee. Otherwise, if he keep mum about this then certainly no one will know. People cant really read minds.

[shah-e-mardan-ALI]

everyone,

some very good points made by everyone, including the sisters ( even though this is the brothers forum..... ) it just shows women can't keep their opinions to themselfs when it comes to subjects like this.....but its always a pleasure to have the comments of the sisters..lol.

I think we don't have enough information and so it would be bias to say anything, but from what the sister has said maturity does not seem to be the problem. she needs to confront him before the matter gets any worse.

inshallah everything will work out.

wassalaam