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Arbaeen 2017


As some of you know I'm a christian who converted and still living in a christian household practicing my religion in secrecy. Before i discovered islam and before i committed I used to camp in nature and i have this photography hobby. This year i decided to tell my parents i'm going camping in the nature in our country for 6 days and in this way i managed to travel to iraq.

We went me and my friend alone, we had people there in iraq who were having us as guests. The moment we went to the airport the struggling begun, we missed our plane which was in the morning, we waited the whole day for available seats but it was way too crowded. On that day, the last plane had 4 overbooked seats, basically they sold them seats which didn't exist, so Alhamdulillah they fixed us with them, we went from Lebanon to Turkey and from turkey to Najaf, we arrived to najaf at 3 am in the morning without sleep. This was on wednesday and the arbaeen is on friday.

We took a cab to visit imam ali, there was a point where the taxi couldn't go further, so he dropped us and i literally started running with my bag i couldn't believe i'm miles away of My Imam. When i reached it was so overwhelming, WHAT A MYSTERY HE IS! I felt powerful that he is my leader i felt like he's right there looking at me i literally felt his presence i felt the utmost sympathy which was coming from him it felt as if i'm visiting my guardian, my protector. It was very strange and pleasant.

We couldn't stay more, so we went to the house where we were staying at, we ate and we started walking from imam ali's makam to the first pole. I reached the first pole and started feeling the weakness of my body. It is worth to mention here that I'm athletic, I run since almost 4 years everyday and i do some very intense workouts (interval training, lactic acid training, fartlek training, etc). But walking is nothing like running.

First of all No one told me how much it was hard to finish the 100km walk. No one told me i should get some doaa to listen to quran perhaps or latmiyat or whatever else, and all people told me it's very nice it's fun you feel the spirituality, etc... So i went there having this mentality, i wasn't mentally prepared for it. I hit the 200 pole and i seriously started questioning if i can continue or not. I called friends who reached to 950 pole and they started insisting on me that i should take a taxi and go to them. This was at maghreb prayer after 6 hours walking. After they called me several times telling me to come i started thinking if this was my case then what was the case of sayeda zeinab or roukaya or soukayna and the whole household of ahlulbayt?! The thought of me not being able to finish it ached my heart and it made me cry. I rested, my friend told me that she will carry my bag to help me and with the grace of God i started walking. With all the psychological and physical pain, suffering, sleeplessness, shivering (due to the hectic situation), swallowed feet, empty stomach, burning feet, cramps, i reached at 12.30 am to 634 pole. The thing that didn't help was the pace of my friend she was always 10-20 meters ahead of me, so there was no talking or conversations to help me forget about the pain. But she really helped by carrying my bag. So we slept at 1.30 am till 3.30 am the noise and all the snoring didn't help much. We prayed i slept 2 hours after that then continued to walk. The second day i was falling asleep when i was walking, i started having the flu with the fever and when i rested for few minutes I'd fall asleep on the chair. Nevertheless, We continued and we finished with couple of km left which i finished the second day because there were a big number of crowd, more than any other year and i didn't have the energy anymore to withstand all this crowd and walk among them.

We reached the shrines of imam hussein and aba l fadel on saturday in the afternoon, we waited for couple of hours but it was all worth it, you can't exactly feel a lot of spirituality because you can't sit and focus your thoughts and get your head together. Everything was so quick. And if you want to sit for example pray talk to the imam someone comes and hits you.

Of course there is special energy at every makam, you feel something different, for example when i reached the shrine of imam hussein i couldn't believe that i'm standing in front of the one and only man who's earth and skies are created due to his sacrifice. That we exist due to his sacrifice, everything we are everything we have is from Ashura.

The rest of the trip took it's flow, other things happened but alhamulillah we managed everything in the end.

"الأجر على قدر المشقة" It means you get rewarded as much as you tolerate pain and hardships.

When i came back home, I accidentally forgot my ticket in the bag so when mom was removing the clothes to wash them she saw the ticket of course she snapped but she didn't tell my father or else he would have kicked me out of the house, it is the one and only time she didn't mention anything, because before that when she sensed that i was fasting or doing things related to religion she told my dad right away, but this time she couldn't. Everyone of us is protected by the imam of our time, he handles our matters all the time.

I hope this was an inspiration to the readers and i hope everyone will experience this zyara, because after my personal experience i realized that the walk part is very essential for our Akida (creed), it is a kind of training.


:salam: Brothers and sisters.

What words you use nowadays to define happiness in this life? Do you seek to achieve it? What do you do to achieve it?

This concept have made people go astray just to obtain it, they have quit their religion and commitment and have fallen into this trap that the western culture always point at.

This topic is a reminder for all of us, including me, to remember the very Purpose we came here for.

Before I became a Shia i met many individuals who always wanted to hear about the truth and always wanted to acquire this ultimate feeling that we call happiness. Only they don't understand that they can't have it in this life.

A friend of mine used to always talk about owning a house next to a lake, work in a job that she likes, that is true happiness she says, but yet this lifestyle is temporary. She doesn't think well okay after I've done all that what is next? What is the meaning behind it?

Or another one that used to always tell me she wants to travel the whole world and camp in every mountain, forest, valley, beach, or any outdoor place she could ever find. Imagine you have the whole money in the world and you went on to do this endless trip you talk about and then after you almost discovered every country, every civilization, you'd probably feel that life has no purpose now and you'd decide to end it. Because simply there is nothing new for you to do anymore, everything is repetitive in this life and everything is temporary.

I had friends who quit their jobs and went on a 6months trip to India living like homeless people. When they came back they claimed that this trip changed their life, but i just didn't see it, it wasn't genuine to me. Many people go to places now, pretend to do things or even feel like they Have to do certain activities just to show the world how cool and happy they are. But trust me behind their smile they are miserable.

Happiness is overrated, it's just some other weapon that they use against us.

It's normal that we slip sometimes but it's important to get back up, because True happiness comes from religion and from God, and the ultimate happiness is founded in the hereafter, not here.



After having many people telling me I should write my story and that it will be beneficial for my shia brothers and sisters, that it would be inspirational for their religious path, I decided to write it.

Humans from the very beginning of time fight for something to believe in, they struggle with reality as they try to make sense of their world. As I grew up I always felt there was an ultimate truth and knowledge hidden from us, I just didn’t know where and how to look or even What to look for. I used to lead a very very reckless sinful lifestyle, since I was trying to find my place in this world in my own ways so I decided to try everything and live with no boundaries. I always felt this deep Emptiness that was never filled, so I did what I had to do in order to discover what might fill this empty hole. I even experienced the power of love but it was all just temporary, everything in this world is temporary. I loved to try everything, I had neither moral standards nor basics to follow, I used to love life and was living it to its fullest. I felt independent like nothing and no one can stop me because I was free to do whatever I want but in reality I had all these invisible chains around me pulling me back deceiving me to think that I was liberated (that’s one of the tricks of the devil he makes you think you’re free but you’re his prisoner).

I felt the happiness instantly with the moment and later when I’d go home I would feel depressed and sad like I was missing something, I couldn’t sit alone I couldn’t stand home, my soul was always agitated and unsettled.

I studied Christianity before but it was all science fiction. Studying Christianity made me even more lost and drove me to doubt the existence of God, which was worse; I would die just to know what can fill this empty space I always had. I asked myself is that it? We came here to eat sleep party have fun work make a family and die...

One night when I hit rock bottom after I finished this self-discovery journey and I arrived nowhere, I started calling upon God (without even being sure that He existed and listening), I told him God if you were there if you existed please help me find my way, suddenly and out of nowhere there was a man whom I’ve met 4 years ago, he started coming up to my mind which was so weird because I had no interest what so ever to talk to him and see him(because he was a muslim and I didn’t like Islam just like any other brainwashed Christian middle eastern person) so I contacted him, turns out he was a committed Shia who triggered my path into Islam, and in the same time I met a Christian man who was living in France and he converted the same month as I did, this was God telling me that I’m not alone, this was God giving me a kind of motif, I mean what are the odds?

Whoever wants God, God will answer him, He will not leave him alone, but only few people really want God all they want is this world, they are blinded by it.

When I found Islam, my ultimate destiny, and when I found God it felt so ecstatic and intense, I felt this deep power and enlightenment, It was entirely uplifting, deeply emotional and pleasurable, I felt a deep joy that finally my existence made sense, that God gave me a purpose to live for to strive for and to fight for, to reach the highest level of existence. He chose me out of all these people who are lost, I had met more than 2,000 people and he just gave me this special gift, showed me the door to his secrets, Our(shias) status To God is special, this is why we should fight this world and fight ourselves and desires and never give up, to be worthy of this privilege that God gave us. When I personally realized this it was time for the hard work. When we understand the power laying behind us we would never have to fear anything ever again in our entire life. 

I was so afraid to jump into this transition, my faith was weak and I had doubts at some moments. I had to give up my friends, my activities, habits, shut off my desires, change my morals, my rules, my lifestyle, my priorities, my social life, my behavior… I was shifting my core belief which is something very hard for a human to change. I was trapped and afraid at some point; I didn’t know how to do it. I was never home, I was never alone, I was lazy, I never respected my parents, I didn’t prioritize anything except my plans, I’d quite jobs because my work schedule didn’t match my entertaining plans...This is how much I was messed up and attached to the world.

I seeked happiness and the more you feel happiness the more you want it, it’s like a drug, so you indulge more in dunya activities until you are completely lost.  Happiness wasn’t created to feel here, happiness is for the next world, we should never waste time here getting attached to this world because we will do eventually whatever we want in the afterlife. We are born to pass this test and to return to our original home where Prophet Adam was created. It took me time to realize this.

My friends were atheists, mushrikin, infidels, and almost all my activities were sinning, I quite them all and now I don’t befriend no one but the lovers of Ahlulbayt. It was very hard and I suffered deeply at some point, washing away your sins purifying yourself from them is EXTREMELY hard, it’s like you’re pulling forward and the devil is pulling you back all the time. But God didn’t let me feel I’m alone, he rewarded me, gave me a steady job where I can be fully committed in, gave me this feeling of security and self-satisfaction, gave me Many privileges that I didn’t possess before. This entire process made me someone else; I became very mentally strong and different. Islam isn’t for sissies; Islam needs strengths, stability, mental toughness, brave hearted individuals who take sacrifices for God, who are ready to face the evil and the challenges of this world.

The equation is simple, as much as you give God as much as He gives you in return. After I was guided I tested myself, tried doing some things that I did in the past to see if this was a phase in my life, but I felt disgusted ashamed weak and I became afraid of death. Now if I touch a man by mistake or if I eat something from a table that has alcohol on it without paying attention I would think about it for 3 days feeling guilty because I disappointed God. I do not fear punishment as much I fear to fail God, because I love Him, that is the true worshiping. Each time I do something to get closer to God I feel my soul elevating I feel that I’m gaining spiritual power and my perspective towards the world changes… Everyone told me it's just a phase but as each day is passing I'm falling more in love with this religion and with Ahlulbayt. I still have hard time committing to my religion as my parents don't know(or kinda in denial), so i practice everything in secrecy.

To conclude I want to tell you, brothers and sisters something, this world is evil, you shouldn’t love it nor seek to have fun in it, you should hate it and never ever be dependent on something related to it, even though I know the truth behind my past life how it’s all evil empty and worthless, it still tempts me sometimes till this very day, the love of this world isn’t easy so don’t get yourself trapped because once you’re in it’s so difficult to get out. Don’t go to hell to enjoy life here; don’t sell your soul to the devil.

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